British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 9

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BTF

  • Wednesday 11th October 2017, 10:23pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 100 posts
Quote: JonT @ 10th October 2017, 8:48 PM

Just catching up with all these. Bloody hell, the standard is good. You could make a solid show of oneliners just from these that never even made the "nearly" stage, let alone all the people that submit but don't post on here. I'll stop berating myself for failures.

@Thosisd Thought the bags for life oneliner was v good
@Mrkgrngr Love the pigs wings oneliner
@Danno Really liked the home delivery oneliner and the bodyclock number cruncher
@Bigger Piece really like the Johnson poem one but the Plath joke might be too close to the knuckle for NJ! Not sure I quite get the references for the sketch, but may have missed the news story.
@TurkeyNotTheBird like the Puerto Rico one and number cruncher made me chuckle too
@Goalo Thought these were all strong, unlucky not to get on.
@Ponderer Favourites are 1 and 3 of the breaking newses. How did I miss the beach bollocks story??
@Damian B I thought the number crunchers were v good.
@BTF liked both of those
@skram Thought these were all strong, especially oneliners 1 & 3, and numbercruncher 1
@Exe Chris all v strong, especially first two

My rejects from last week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Michael Gove has called for increased recycling of plastic bottles. The move would clean up beaches, protect marine life, and make it safer for the Environment Secretary to slither back into the ocean to spawn.
2. Theresa May has told interviewers she doesn't want a cabinet of "yes men". Instead she has five "Yes women", sixteen "Know-nothings" and one "No Boris, I said no, Boris... Oh for Christ's sake, Boris!"
3. Amber Rudd has accused technology giants of "patronising" politicians trying to regulate the industry. Ms Rudd had prepared a Powerpoint presentation on the topic, but resorted to her notes after it wouldn't go full-screen, the graphs had gone funny; and the clicky thing didn't work.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 2.2 million - number of voters in Catalonia's banned independence referendum;
100 million - people whose only interest is whether or not Barcelona will still be playing in the Spanish league for the release of Fifa 19.
2. 100 million - pounds forecast as loss for 2018, leading to the collapse of the Monarch airline;
17 - Number of gin and tonics in the VIP tent at Aintree, leading to the last time a Monarch collapsed.

And one I cut from this week as there were too many:

4. Gordon Strachan blamed Scotland's failure to qualify for the World Cup on "inferior genetics". He plans to clone Rob Roy with DNA extracted from a midge trapped in amber, saying it would "be easier than teaching that lot to defend a corner".

Last number cruncher very funny in particular
MONARCH one also and
Clicky thing and
Yes women...know nothings
:):D:P:D:D:D:D:D

More original than mine

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Stobbart42

  • Wednesday 11th October 2017, 11:23pm
  • Japan
  • 88 posts

I'm not so keen on the Monarch jokes because everyone has already made the Queen connection before the setup has even finished.

I quite liked the plastic bottle / Gove joke though. If performed right that joke could work really well.

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Danno

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 7:14pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 60 posts

Here are my shredders for No.5, the 'quiet' episode...

Prince William's charity Heads Together has pledged two million pounds to help further its cause - welcome news for drunk Glaswegians.

A planetary fortune-teller has predicted seven years of tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes: sceptics are calling it a storm in a teacup.

warning, this is awful (well, more awful)...
A poodle has caused lengthy delays in a Tokyo airport after it escaped onto the runway. Passengers were eventually allowed to disembark, some of whom were in desperate need of a shih tzu.

34: The number of kilos of the party drug ketamine eaten by rats while in the custody of Mumbai Police.
134: The number of Mumbai 'Hard Bhangra' nightclubs that have recently called out pest control.

7000: The current cost in pounds of a PhD dissertation bought from the internet.
4: The number of letters you should have after your name if you paid for one you cheating 'BLEEP'

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BTF

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 7:26pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 100 posts

6 - the number of social security benefits combined together for Universal Credit.
6 - the number of bloody weeks before it's paid.

346 - the size of Amber Rudd's majority.
346 - the number bus she gets home after parties when Boris offers her a lift.

Can't get on laptop and can't recall the others at mo.

Quote: Danno @ 12th October 2017, 7:14 PM

Here are my shredders for No.5, the 'quiet' episode...

Prince William's charity Heads Together has pledged two million pounds to help further its cause - welcome news for drunk Glaswegians.

A planetary fortune-teller has predicted seven years of tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes: sceptics are calling it a storm in a teacup.

warning, this is awful (well, more awful)...
A poodle has caused lengthy delays in a Tokyo airport after it escaped onto the runway. Passengers were eventually allowed to disembark, some of whom were in desperate need of a shih tzu.

34: The number of kilos of the party drug ketamine eaten by rats while in the custody of Mumbai Police.
134: The number of Mumbai 'Hard Bhangra' nightclubs that have recently called out pest control.

7000: The current cost in pounds of a PhD dissertation bought from the internet.
4: The number of letters you should have after your name if you paid for one you cheating 'BLEEP'

Hi Danno

I like the dissertation one and rats one and tea cup one. The shih tzu one (I have two of these by the way) - I see where you are going with it but am not quite sure it works as well verbally, if you don't mind me saying.

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Damian B

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 7:29pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 65 posts
Quote: Danno @ 12th October 2017, 7:14 PM

warning, this is awful (well, more awful)...
A poodle has caused lengthy delays in a Tokyo airport after it escaped onto the runway. Passengers were eventually allowed to disembark, some of whom were in desperate need of a shih tzu.

Brilliant. Would that the show accepted more jokes like that. Laughing out loud

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Danno

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 7:42pm
  • Azerbaijan
  • 60 posts

haha, I'm glad they don't. It's terrible. Couldn't find a respectable punchline so went rogue ;)

@BTF...the bus one! funny

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BTF

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 8:08pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 100 posts

We should take our reject jokes and make our own homemade crackers with our own jokes. Blue Peter - here I come!

Another I remembered. It is dreadful. I was losing the will to live at that point. It involves knowledge of Love Island....

Chris, from Love Island, has gone into partnership with Topman. Kem has said he's happy working with Chris and doesn't mind if he's not on top.

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Damian B

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 8:35pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 65 posts
Quote: BTF @ 12th October 2017, 7:26 PM

346 - the size of Amber Rudd's majority.
346 - the number bus she gets home after parties when Boris offers her a lift.

Like it. That would definitely draw their attention in the week of a leadership contest.

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Otterfox

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 9:31pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 987 posts

Satire isn't really my thing but I gave Newsjack a go with a few one liners. Alas I got nowhere but here's what I threw in:

NFL players kneel during anthem. Mike Pence walks out in protest....on his knees.

Rory McIlroy admitted that he dislikes Roy Keane after the former footballer gave him a wide berth. By the same token McIlroy must despise every single golf tournament he played this year.

Conor McGregor film takes viewers 'inside his mind' where he has agreed to wrestle himself for the right fee.

1: the number of letters that fell during Theresa May's presentation.

26: the number of letters she failed to pronounce during the same speech.

2049: the title given to the latest blade runner movie.

2049: the age Harrison Ford will be if they wait as long to film a third installment.

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Bigger Piece

  • Thursday 12th October 2017, 11:19pm [Edited]
  • Cockermouth, Scotland
  • 137 posts

Last week's "Nah, not even close" submissions:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Production was halted for 36 hours when a leopard was spotted in a New Delhi car factory. A spokesman said "we take health and safety very seriously and didn't want to risk a wildcat strike".

2. As Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein is fired from his own company following accusations of inappropriate conduct over three decades, the movie boss said "I ain't been feeling too good".

3. A Downing Street spokesman declined to comment when asked to respond to reports that Islamic State had claimed responsibility for the Prime Minister's speech.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. More than 500: The number of people killed or injured in the Las Vegas shooting.
Fifty five: The cost, in dollars, of The Kids' Experience, for children to shoot a Beretta ARX semi-automatic and a fully automatic M4 at the Machine Guns Vegas firing range!

2. 850: The number of Poundland stores that will continue to accept the old pound coin after it ceases to be legal tender on Sunday.
75: The buying power of the pound, in percentage terms compared to last year's high, as it continues to slide against the Euro.

3. 100,000 The amount paid, in dollars, by Harvey Weinstein, to actress Rose McGowan in a 1997 settlement related to allegations of sexual impropriety.
2018: The date Rose McGowan's memoir, Brave, goes on sale.

GIVE ME A BUZZ

GRAMS: BEACH BOYS: GOOD VIBRATIONS (CHORUS)

LUKE: Cybersecurity is more important than ever. As we spend more of our lives online we need to be careful to guard against fraud, identity theft and worse...

FX: CYBER-BLOOP TRANSITION NOISE

MANDI: We may not have to worry about emails from Nigerian bank managers any more, but with the rise of social media, on-line scams have become more sinister. Young girls, for example, are being targeted by fraudsters on Instagram, claiming to be scouts for model agencies who ask the girls to send revealing photos or trick them into fake Skype interviews.

ANGELA: Oh. My. God. An Instagram message from a model agency. I just don't believe it! I'd better reply right now so I don't lose the opportunity! "Yes. I can take a Skype call right now: I am Angie Sparkle Princess".

FX: INCOMING SKYPE CALL

JASON: Yo. Angie Sparkle Princess. We 'ave seen your Insta profile and we fink you is well good for our campaign, innit. Can you put your video on so we can evaluate you for a screen test, like?

ANGELA: Oh, I'm so excited! I've always wanted to be a model. What's the campaign for ... Oh, wait: why are you dressed like a boy scout?

JASON: Can you lift up your top and show us your ti--

FX: SKYPE CALL ENDED

MANDI: On the Internet of Things, televisions have been taken over for bot-net attacks while stories of hijacked webcams and printers abound. But a worrying new trend is emerging around BlueTooth enabled sex toys.

FX: CYBER-BLOOP TRANSITION NOISE

LUKE: OK babe, I'm all hooked up for ya.

ANGIE: Alright, you naughty boy, I'm going to give you a burst with the power set to three.

LUKE: Oh! Ange! Ooh - ooh

ANGIE: And because you've been so very naughty, I've going to have to take it up to five ...

LUKE: Ooh! Ye--ss ... no! Argh! Safeword! Safeword!

ANGIE: What is it babe?

LUKE: Stop! Quick! The bread's just jumped out of me toaster!

FX: CYBER-BLOOP TRANSITION NOISE

ENDS

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Stobbart42

  • Friday 13th October 2017, 12:05am
  • Japan
  • 88 posts

Here's my one-liners:

1. Six men have robbed a Regent Street jewellers and escaped on a single moped. Police are said to be on the lookout for a very well decorated human Christmas tree on wheels.

2. Reports suggest that Catalonia's leader may imminently announce they are going independent. But when I called for comment, Cerys Matthews had no idea what I was talking about.

3. A soldier is being investigated for wearing Apple earphones on duty. An army spokesman said it looked "odd" with his "18th century armour and sword." Wait, what year are we in again?

And a sketch. Bear in mind it's my first ever sketch, so be kind :-)
I'd appreciate any feedback, especially suggestions for gags punchlines to make better. Cheers.

TRUMP'S "CALM BEFORE THE STORM" PHOTO OP

WINTER IS COMING

ANGELA: President Trump this week gestured to his room full of top military men and mysteriously exclaimed,

TRUMP: "This is the calm before the storm."

ANGELA: My guess is they'd all just got back from an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet. But I suppose we'll never know what he really meant. After all he isn't exactly known for being very specific.

FX: CAMERAS FLASHING

REPORTER 1: Can you tell us what you meant by "Calm before the Storm" Mr. President?

TRUMP: You'll see.

REPORTER 1: See what?

TRUMP: The writing on the wall...

REPORTER 2: What wall, Mr President? You haven't built it yet, sir.

REPORTER1: Is this something Mexican people should be concerned about?

TRUMP: I don't know, you tell me.

REPORTER 2: Is it something the American people should be concerned about?

TRUMP: Be afraid. Be very afraid. So afraid.

REPORTER 3: Come on, Sir. Give us a clue.

TRUMP: (cough)winteriscoming(cough)

REPORTER 2: I'm sorry, Mr President. Did you just say "Winter is coming?"

TRUMP: I absolutely said no such thing. I said "Covfefe!"

REPORTER 1: What did you mean when you said "Winter is coming", sir?

TRUMP: You'll see.

REPORTER 2: Nuclear Winter?

TRUMP: Cold. So cold.

REPORTER 2: Cold War?

TRUMP: SPOILER ALERT!

REPORTER 1: Mr President? Are you talking about Game of Thrones?

TRUMP: Maybe. Maybe not.

FX: SOUND OF A TROLLEY BEING WHEELED IN

REPORTER 2: Mr President. What is that?

TRUMP: Oh, this?

REPORTER 2: Yes, the big red button, you're about to press?

FX: MORE CAMERAS FLASHING

TRUMP: You'll see. Here we go...

REPORTER 1: WAIT!

REPORTER 2: STOP!

GRAMS: GAME OF THRONES THEME STARTS TO PLAY

TRUMP: I love this show. Greatest show.

END

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TurkeyNotTheBird

  • Friday 13th October 2017, 6:18am
  • Turkey
  • 9 posts

Sent in my first sketch submission this week, I enjoyed writing it but it seems they didn't enjoy reading it :) In retrospect I realize the premise may have been a bit too gimmicky.

THOSE AREN'T THE REBELS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR
ANGELA: It hasn't been an easy week for Theresa May. Following a problematic speech at the Tory Party conference, recent reports have revealed that a group of rebel MPs are seeking advice on a leadership challenge. It's been reported that the rebels sought advice from those involved in the successful coup against Iain Duncan Smith, but what other options might they have explored first?

GRAMS: OFFICE BACKGROUND SOUNDS
MAN: So who is our next appointment?
WOMAN: Someone who has previously assisted efforts to topple a leader. I think he'll be a great asset.
MAN: Excellent.
FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR
WOMAN: Here he is. Come in!
FX: DOOR OPENING
EWAN: Hello?
WOMAN: Ah, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Thanks for agreeing to see us today.
EWAN: Yes, I did play Obi-Wan. But I go by Ewan.
MAN: Yes, well we appreciate you coming in today Obi-Wan.
EWAN: Ewan.
MAN: Yes.
EWAN: To be honest, I'm a little bit confused about this meeting. You do know that-
WOMAN: We thought it was clear. We let your representation know that we were interested in your experience in overthrowing the Emperor.
EWAN: The Emperor? Do you want me to do a convention appearance?
MAN: No, I'm afraid that we're too late to have you talk at the conference.
EWAN: So what is this about?
WOMAN: You see; we also have a situation with a despotic leader ruling with an iron fist.
MAN: And considering your successful track record in the Rebellion, we thought you would be the best person to consult.
EWAN: The Rebellion?
WOMAN: We also see that you have prior experience in working with leaders with confusing speech patterns. That is a definite plus for us.
EWAN: You are aware that that was a film?
MAN: So what you are saying is that you can't help us?
EWAN: I am a Scottish Labour supporter.
WOMAN: So that's a no?
MAN: Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
EWAN: Are you trying to tell me that you have placed all of your hopes of mounting a leadership challenge on a Scot with beliefs that significantly differ from your core constituents?
BEAT
EWAN: This is absurd.
MAN: So does this mean that you don't have any advice for us?
WOMAN: Help us Obi Wan Kenobi, you're our on-
EWAN: Don't! Just... don't.
FX: DOOR SLAMMING
MAN: Well that didn't go particularly well.
WOMAN: No...
MAN: Do we have any other appointments today?
WOMAN: We do. Next up we have someone who has slightly darker methods to topple an administration. He comes with glowing recommendations, but all of his former staff are terrified of him.
GRAMS: THE FIRST BARS OF THE IMPERIAL MARCH
WOMAN: Ah, here he is. Welcome Lord Mandelson, come on in.
END

Also had a few one-liners and a number cruncher (that was a converted breaking new)... Again no luck, but I enjoyed writing them so that must count for something (he tells himself so as to not give up hope). I still think my one-liners are a bit too long.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Following the accusations of sexual harassment against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, the Swiss Film Commission has announced an upward revision in the number of films to be made in Switzerland in 2018.
2. This week the USA has suspended visa processes for Turkey, effect on Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners across the country still unknown.
3. Microsoft has announced that they have given up on their work on a Windows smartphone. In charge of an increasingly irrelevant project that could not keep up with the appeal and efficiency of its competitors, the project leader for Bing said he was sorry to hear about the announcement.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1: The number of Laws passed in France this week that requires photoshopped models to be labelled.
250000: The number of XS labels ordered this week by French fashion publications.

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Mike X

  • Friday 13th October 2017, 7:58am
  • United Kingdom
  • 56 posts

Mine for this week. How could they not use these brilliant one-liners?!??!?!

1. A report out this week has highlighted the problem of race inequality. Hamilton's Mercedes is just too good.

2. Singer and rapper Nelly has been arrested. Police told him that he had the right to remain silent. In fact after hearing his latest album they insisted on it.

3. A gaffe by Debbie McGee ruined Strictly Come Dancing this week. She tried to deny responsibility, but it's clear she'll have to carry the can-can.

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Danno

  • Friday 13th October 2017, 10:30am [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 60 posts

....baaaaahahaha, there's some really funny schnizzle going on here people!

thanks for sharing:D

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Damian B

  • Friday 13th October 2017, 1:32pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 65 posts
Quote: Bigger Piece @ 12th October 2017, 11:19 PM

3. A Downing Street spokesman declined to comment when asked to respond to reports that Islamic State had claimed responsibility for the Prime Minister's speech.

1. More than 500: The number of people killed or injured in the Las Vegas shooting.
Fifty five: The cost, in dollars, of The Kids' Experience, for children to shoot a Beretta ARX semi-automatic and a fully automatic M4 at the Machine Guns Vegas firing range!

Like these. Though I doubt whether Newsjack would air jokes about a massacre. More's the pity...

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 13th October 2017, 12:05 AM

1. Six men have robbed a Regent Street jewellers and escaped on a single moped. Police are said to be on the lookout for a very well decorated human Christmas tree on wheels

Nicely done. I've been kicking myself for not writing something about this story - I just couldn't find an angle, yet everyone else could. I counted at least two jokes about this on the show.

Quote: Mike X @ 13th October 2017, 7:58 AM

2. Singer and rapper Nelly has been arrested. Police told him that he had the right to remain silent. In fact after hearing his latest album they insisted on it.

:D:D:D

Quote: TurkeyNotTheBird @ 13th October 2017, 6:18 AM

1. Following the accusations of sexual harassment against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, the Swiss Film Commission has announced an upward revision in the number of films to be made in Switzerland in 2018.

:D. They probably received a ton of unbroadcastable jokes about Weinstein. I didn't submit mine on the subject for that reason.

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