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William Daniels

  • Friday 14th July 2017, 2:24pm
  • England
  • 9 posts

Hello! I used to post on here a lot but have been inactive for a couple years. I have recently written something and would love some feedback (i will happily return the favour!). This is a sitcom called 'La vie de Larry'. I am just going to put it all here and you can read as little or as much as you want. Feel free to tell me if you get bored and cant finish! But yeah, let me know what you think!

1. Int. apartment. Day 1. 17:30

FADE IN:

The apartment is an open plan kitchen living room. There are thousands of DVDs and books covering every wall. The place has a slight lived in feel without being too messy. A laptop rests on the arm of the sofa, with multiple manuscripts of the mega novel LAWRENCE has been writing littered nearby. There is a LAWRENCE shaped groove in the sofa where he sits. LAWRENCE (28, bearded, glasses, overweight, wearing a polo shirt a size too small) & MARLON BRANDO (late years, fat) enter carrying shopping bags in a jovial mood, LAWRENCE carrying his work bag. They set them down on the coffee table. LAWRENCE takes his usual spot. MARLON unpacks the contents.

LAWRENCE
We are ready, we are set to go.

MARLON
About time we had some time to ourselves. We can really get some work done.

LAWRENCE
We are gonna do some hard-core writing this weekend my friend. I got all my notes I made during work.
(takes a massive wad of loose papers from his bag)
We got the supplies.

MARLON
We got it all. I'll put the kievs in the freezer. You got the winegums?

LAWRENCE
Two bags, baby, buy one get one free.

MARLON
And the rolos?

LAWRENCE displays an enormous multi-pack of rolos to MARLON. MARLON pumps his fist in celebration.

LAWRENCE
Here we go. No distractions. No need to leave the apartment.

MARLON
Which part are you starting on?

LAWRENCE
Volume 2. Chapter 15. I need to really consolidate those introductory pages.

MARLON
Do you mind if I open the sausage rolls?

LAWRENCE
Help yourself.

LAWRENCE takes his laptop. He turns it on. He readies his notes neatly next to him. He flicks through briefly the various manuscripts to the other side of him while his computer loads up. Finally, he poises himself ready to write. As he is about to start, there is a knock at the door. LAWRENCE curses to himself.

LAWRENCE
(annoyed)
Come in!

DANNY (27, small and dainty) enters. LAWRENCE keeps his attention on his computer.

DANNY
Only me.

DANNY takes a seat on the arm chair. He has a restless air to him.

DANNY
So, good day in work?

LAWRENCE
Same as ever. You?

DANNY
Yeah, not bad, we got one of them nespresso machines put in.

LAWRENCE
(uninterested)
Sounds good.

DANNY
Yeah, it is. Although, they're bad for the environment so I don't use them.

LAWRENCE
Right.

Beat.

DANNY
What you doing?

LAWRENCE
Working on my book.

DANNY
Still?

LAWRENCE
Well, it's a big project. You can't just bang something like this out on a rainy afternoon.

DANNY
How long is it?

LAWRENCE
As long as it needs to be.

DANNY
Just one book?

LAWRENCE
Yep.

DANNY
But if it's dead long, why don't you split it into loads of books like JK Rowling did? You could make buckets loads like that.

LAWRENCE
(chuckling)
This is not some child's wizard fantasy, this is the real deal, this is serious.

DANNY
Yeah, but you don't even say what your book is about.

LAWRENCE
(sighs)
I could, but it would take too long to explain.

DANNY
Well, how does it start?

LAWRENCE
It doesn't really have a beginning.

DANNY
How does it not...

LAWRENCE
(interrupting)
Did you want to borrow something?

DANNY
No, just bored, kinda don't wanna be in the apartment.

LAWRENCE
Well, this one is just the mirror image of yours.

DANNY
Yeah, well, your royal highness is working on his dissertation, as he keeps telling me, so needs peace and quiet. Like I'm some kind of distraction.

LAWRENCE glances at DANNY.

DANNY
(continues)
Yeah, so I thought to myself why not come see old Lawrence. See what the old scoundrel is up to.

LAWRENCE
Well, you're looking at it.

DANNY
What are your plans for the weekend?

LAWRENCE
You're looking at it.

DANNY
You don't want to go to the cinema?

LAWRENCE
Nope.

DANNY
The pub?

LAWRENCE
Nope.

DANNY
You're just gonna sit on your bum all weekend.

LAWRENCE
I'm working on a novel.

DANNY gets up out of frustration.

DANNY
Oh bloody hell, you and Ben, thick as thieves, I'll leave you to it then, guess I'm not wanted anywhere.

DANNY leaves. MARLON remerges sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper.

MARLON
Jesus, I thought he'd never leave.

LAWRENCE
Tell me about it.

2. Int. TV studio - dream sequence

We are watching a television interview with LAWRENCE hosted by JEREMY PAXMAN. LAWRENCE is wearing a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. He looks almost annoyed to be there.

PAXMAN
(to camera)
Hello there and welcome, tonight is the night we've all been waiting for. An interview with the elusive writer of what is being described as the book of the century. It remains at the top of bestseller list for the fourth consecutive month. His work has been dissected and interpreted by academics and critics alike. He has repeatedly declined interviews but is here for one night only. We will be delving into one of the most enigmatic minds in modern times. He has been described as percipient, provocative, a genius, a mad man amongst many other things, he's here tonight,
(turns chairs to LAWRENCE)
so may I say welcome to the show Mr. Barraclough. Thank you for coming.

LAWRENCE
Happy to be here.

PAXMAN
Are you? You don't look it.

LAWRENCE
Well, I don't believe these things are necessary but...

PAXMAN
(interrupting)
But you have to give the public what they want?

LAWRENCE
Your words, not mine.

PAXMAN
I would never put words your mouth, much in the same way I would never get in the ring with a heavyweight champion.

LAWRENCE scoffs.

PAXMAN
Well, I'm serious, this book is already being hailed as a cultural cornerstone, you're a household name almost overnight, and now you're here with me and I don't even do book reviews.

3. Int. Apartment - Day 1 - 18:00

LAWRENCE is in his spot working on his novel. MARLON is at the kitchen table playing solitaire with a deck of cards. LAWRENCE scratches his beard in contemplation. He then has a flurry of writing while going 'Yes, yes, yes'. He ponders for a minute. He then shakes his head in disapproval and deletes what he has just written. We hear arguing emanating from DANNY & BEN's apartment. LAWRENCE and MARLON give each other a look and shake their heads. We hear doors slamming. DANNY bursts through the door uninvited.

DANNY
I have had enough of that of bloody ponce.

LAWRENCE
(sarcasm)
Come in, by all means, make yourself at home.

DANNY
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I had to get out of there. He's driving me crazy. He acts like writing a dissertation is defusing a bomb. I mean, you're doing some writing but you're not biting my head off every time I take a breath. It's ridiculous. He just can't contemplate anything other than himself. Did I tell you he had a go at me for eating marshmallows? Marshmallows, Lawrence.

LAWRENCE
(Frozen in disbelief)
Doing...some...writing...

DANNY
He shushed me. I'm asking for the olives and he shushes me. Pointed finger and all.

LAWRENCE
What exactly do you think I'm...

DANNY
(interrupting)
He's such a wolly.
(noticing the cards on the table)
You're playing solitaire?

LAWRENCE
(covering)
Just a quick game.

DANNY
I always lost that game.

There is a knock at the door.

LAWRENCE
Oh, please don't bring this argument in here.

DANNY
(going to open the door)
Don't worry, it's only Gaz. Here for moral support.

LAWRENCE
What? So you just invited him here?

DANNY opens the door. GAZ (30, bit of a lad) enters. LAWRENCE is a little frozen with frustration.

GAZ
Alright, boys.

DANNY
Tea?

GAZ
Er, yeah, why not?

DANNY goes to make tea. GAZ slumps in the armchair. LAWRENCE tries to focus himself.

DANNY
He shushed me, Gaz, he shushed me.

GAZ
(disbelief)
No!

DANNY
Pointed finger and everything.

GAZ
No!

DANNY
Unbelievable, isn't it?

GAZ
What did you say?

DANNY
I'd rather not repeat it.

GAZ
Well, you can't just stay here forever.

LAWRENCE
(taking note)
He's right there.

DANNY
I gotta go back in. I can't let him walk all over me.

GAZ
Don't back down, Danny.

DANNY leaves.

GAZ
Alright, Larry, how's life treating you?

LAWRENCE
Ups and downs.

GAZ
Any update on that tea?

LAWRENCE
What? I'm not even having one.

GAZ
Some host...

LAWRENCE
Well, I thought you were here for moral support.

GAZ
Well, that and a bit of my mate charlie. My dealer doesn't come to my part of town. Normally, I wait in Danny's but not going in there now.

LAWRENCE
So you're here for the foreseeable feature?

GAZ
(a little offended)
Alright, keep your hair on, he's on his way anyway, it won't be long.

LAWRENCE
Sorry, it's just I had this weekend put aside for some intensive writing on my book.

GAZ
Writing a book? Since when?

LAWRENCE
4 years.

GAZ
Long time. Is this the final push?

LAWRENCE
Well, in a few months, I hope to have the first draft more or less there, but that might be being a little ambitious.

We here arguing coming from the other apartment.

LAWRENCE
You're not gonna sort that out?

GAZ
Hell, no!

GAZ's phone buzzes.

GAZ
That's my cue. Let me know how it goes.

GAZ leaves. LAWRENCE mutters to himself and continues with his writing.

4. Int. TV studio - dream sequence

Back to the PAXMAN interview.

PAXMAN
So what was your inspiration?

LAWRENCE
It's hard to really say. I don't think I have inspiration, I just write, it's what I do. I guess if there was one thing, it would just be boredom of everything else out there, I guess.

PAXMAN
Well you have been credited with reinvigorating the literary world.

LAWRENCE
I don't really go in for that whole thing.

PAXMAN
Oh, come on, you can't tell me you haven't read the reviews.

LAWRENCE
I honestly haven't.

PAXMAN
I scoured through them before and I struggled to find a bad one.

LAWRENCE
Well, you know, I think that's great but...

PAXMAN
You're being very modest.

LAWRENCE
Look, you can't just put things so simply.

5. Int. Apartment - Day 1 - 18:20

LAWRENCE is lying on the sofa in contemplation. MARLON is sat at the window with a pair of binoculars.

LAWRENCE
I just can't get this thing to fit. I need Vladimir to fall out with Solomon over this feudal land system but it's just not working.

MARLON
Take a break, take your mind off it for a minute.

LAWRENCE
(rubbing his eyes with weariness)
I can't, I need to finish this. I've lost enough time as it is.

MARLON
You need a break. Come try this, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff you see.

LAWRENCE
No, I can't stop, I'm in the zone, I've hit a little speed bump, but I'm en route, nothing is going to break my rhythm.

We here a knock on DANNY & BEN's apartment. It's VICKY (27, gorgeous but tough glamour model)

VICKY
(OS)
It's me!

LAWRENCE takes note and tip toes over to the door. He peers through the peep hole. He readies himself. Takes a deep breath. Opens the door.

6. Int. Corridor - Day 1 - 18:22

LAWRENCE
(faking surprise)
Oh, Vicky, it's you, for some reason I thought that was my door.

VICKY
Hiya, Danny text me.

LAWRENCE
Oh yeah, it's world war three in there.

VICKY
Yeah, well they're not answering.

LAWRENCE
You can wait in mine, if you want?

VICKY
You don't mind?

LAWRENCE
Not at all. I insist.

VICKY shrugs and follows LAWRENCE into the apartment.

7. Int. Apartment - Day 1 - 18:23

LAWRENCE
Tea?

VICKY
Sure.

LAWRENCE starts to make the tea. VICKY wanders the apartment inspecting the bookshelves.

VICKY
You sure have a lot of books.

LAWRENCE
Well, yeah, I love to read, you know.

VICKY
I never read.

LAWRENCE
Well, yeah, I can't stop. I'm a bit of a bookworm, you know.

VICKY attempts to take a book from a shelf, it's a little stuck so she gives it a yank. It comes out producing a cloud of dust at the same time. VICKY chokes a little on the dust.

LAWRENCE
Oh god, are you ok?

VICKY
(still coughing)
Fine, yeah, fine.

LAWRENCE
Water?

VICKY
No, I'm fine, I'm fine, got anything to eat though?

LAWRENCE
Erm, yeah sure, help yourself.
(he gestures to the shopping bags)

VICKY rummages through the bags. She finds the rolos.

VICKY
Ah, yes, rolos, do you mind?

LAWRENCE
By all means.

VICKY
I love rolos.

She starts eating. She notices the binoculars.

VICKY
What have you got these for?

LAWRENCE
Erm, bird watching.

VICKY
(unconvinced)
Sure.

DANNY enters unannounced. His eyes are puffy and nose red from crying.

VICKY
Relax, deep breath, have a seat, bag of rolos?

DANNY
Yeah, that'd be nice.

DANNY takes a seat. VICKY tosses him a bag of rolos.

DANNY
So, yeah, he's being a nightmare, I'm at the end of my tether, he finished the milk and didn't replace it, he hid the remote so I couldn't watch TV, and then he left bloody huge skidies all down the toilet.

VICKY
He's under a lot of pressure.

DANNY
Bollocks to that. It's not just that, it's other stuff. It's been going on for weeks now too.
(to LAWRENCE)
Sorry, Lawrence, do you mind giving us a minute?

LAWRENCE
But it's my apartment...

VICKY
Just a minute, Lawrence.

DANNY
No, he's right, it is his place.
(to VICKY)
Ok, so sexually he's...

LAWRENCE
(interrupting)
Ok, one minute.

LAWRENCE scurries into the bathroom.

8. Int. Bathroom - Day 1 - 18:26

MARLON is on the toilet smoking a cigar.

MARLON
If they eat all my rolos, there will be hell to pay.

LAWRENCE
Hey, do you mind not smoking?

MARLON
Why?

LAWRENCE
This is a nightmare.

MARLON
Why don't you go out there and tell them where to go, you do realise it's your apartment?

LAWRENCE
I'm not kicking Vicky out on her arse. Her perfect arse.

MARLON
Don't you ever think maybe she'd like a man with a bit of authority, someone who will put their foot down once in a while?

We hear the front door open. VICKY enters the bathroom.

VICKY
Don't mind me.

LAWRENCE
Ben's here?

VICKY
Yeah, think this might be sliptsville for romeo and romeo out there. Do you mind if I smoke?

LAWRENCE
No, no, go right ahead.

VICKY lights a cigarette. Awkward beat.

VICKY
I like your apartment, Larry.

LAWRENCE
Yeah?

VICKY
Yeah, it's nice.

We hear screaming and door slamming. LAWRENCE & VICKY return to the living room to investigate.

9. Int. Apartment - Day 1 - 18:28

DANNY has left the apartment. BEN (29, tall, lanky with glasses) is standing there shell-shocked.

BEN
It's over.

VICKY leaves to see to DANNY. BEN is stood, frozen.

BEN
I can't believe it.

LAWRENCE
Maybe a walk will do you good.

BEN sits himself in LAWRENCE's spot, much to LAWRENCE's annoyance but he doesn't notice.

BEN
Four years.
(Beat)
Four years and that's it.

BEN takes a bag of rolos.

LAWRENCE
Alright, Ben, how about...

BEN
(ignoring)
Have you ever put four years of your life into something and then have it fall apart?

LAWRENCE
(looking at his many manuscripts)
Well, not as yet...

LAWRENCE takes a seat on the arm chair. BEN starts to cry silently.

LAWRENCE
Look, maybe it's for the best.

BEN
Do you think?

LAWRENCE
Yeah, you know, fresh start, new beginnings and all that.

BEN
But how can I go on? What am I supposed to do?

LAWRENCE
Well, it's not really my area of expertise but...

BEN
(interrupting/barking)
Why are you giving me advice then?

LAWRENCE
Well, you asked me, I dunno...

BEN
Can you get me some paracetamol?

LAWRENCE
Erm, sure...

LAWRENCE goes to the bathroom.

BEN
Not the drowsy kind!

LAWRENCE bites his tongue.

10. Int. Bathroom - Day 1 - 18:31

LAWRENCE starts to rummage through the cupboard. MARLON is running a bath.

MARLON
Can you believe that guy?

LAWRENCE
I'm trying to get rid of him. I cannot believe this though, of all the weekends!

MARLON
Just say whatever you need to.

LAWRENCE
He seems suggestible enough to get him back into that flat tonight.

MARLON
You know, if he's that suggestible you should pour water all over this campfire once and for all, if you catch my drift.

LAWRENCE
(interested)
I'm listening.

MARLON
Well, let's be frank, we'd get a lot more work done without Ned & Ed Flanders popping round every 5 minutes asking for a cup of sugar.

LAWRENCE
Go on.

MARLON
Well, think about it, you've got this boy right where you want him, all you need to do is give him a little push. Him and Danny go to splitsville, they can't live together anymore after that, best case scenario they both move out, we get some peace and quiet, worst case scenario, one goes and we cut our gay time by 50%.

LAWRENCE
That's not a bad idea.

MARLON
Lawrence, have I ever steered you wrong before?

LAWRENCE
Well, the short answer to that is 'yes', and we don't have time for the long answer right now.

MARLON
Well, let's not split hairs. And if I remember correctly, the apartment is in Danny's name.

LAWRENCE
That's right, we saw it when they couldn't figure out how to pay their council tax. It'd be a shame to get rid of the both of them, I mean, Vicky's cool...Gaz is not bad, you know.

MARLON
Well, you say whatever you have to, just strike while the iron is hot.

LAWRENCE
(determined)
It will be done.

LAWRENCE leaves the bathroom with the paracetamol.

11. Int. Living room - Day 1 - 18:34

BEN is sprawled on the sofa, working his way through the rolos without restraint. LAWRENCE takes a seat on the armchair and tosses the paracetamol to BEN.

LAWRENCE
Here you go.

BEN inspects the box.

BEN
No, no, this won't do. I can't take the flavoured ones.

LAWRENCE
Well, it's all I've got.

BEN
Oh, it doesn't matter I suppose, I didn't really want them anyway.

LAWRENCE rolls his eyes.

BEN
I've just been sitting here, thinking, was I right to say, to do what I did? Is it really worth it? I mean, what we have, or had, it's special, you know? Or maybe, you don't, you're somewhat of a lone wolf, I'd have thought.

LAWRENCE
Well, trying to be...

BEN
I mean, he always has good intentions, maybe it's the stress, maybe once my dissertation is finished, we won't have these problems. Maybe I should go back in and apologize.

LAWRENCE
Well, I dunno, your dissertation is pretty important. He should really respect that, don't you think?

BEN
Well, I guess.

LAWRENCE
I mean, it's serious work, what's the title again?

BEN
Rainstorms and by-elections.

LAWRENCE
I'm mean, it speaks for itself, and he had the nerve to eat marshmallows.

BEN
It was pretty loud.

LAWRENCE
You need peace, you need quiet, most of all you need some you time, when was the last time you had any of that?

BEN
...not recently.

LAWRENCE
Not recently, exactly.

BEN
What do you think I should do?

LAWRENCE
Look, sometimes these things run their course.

BEN
Do you think?

LAWRENCE
It's not a bad thing, sometimes it's good.

BEN
Yeah...like a new beginning.

LAWRENCE
Exactly.

BEN
Yeah, maybe, you're right.

BEN gets up.

BEN
I suppose I should go talk to him.

BEN goes to the door. He stops just before he leaves.

BEN
Thanks, Lawrence, you've been a real help. I know we don't always see eye-to-eye but you do occasionally have a point.

BEN leaves. LAWRENCE sighs to himself in relief. He begins to put his apartment back in order. He starts to collect his notes for the book. There is a frantic knock at the door.

LAWRENCE
Go away!

GAZ bursts through the door.

GAZ
Lawrence, Lawrence, mate, can you do me a favour?

LAWRENCE
No.

GAZ
Go on.

LAWRENCE
No, I have no interest in helping people, I'm afraid, there's no more room at the inn.

GAZ
Thing is, I went to meet my dealer, Scotty, same place as always, business as usual but this time they're doing a raid on the bookies at the same time, so Scotty bricks it and does one.

LAWRENCE
Why is this of importance to me?

GAZ
Because I need a place to make this deal, and right now the street is a no go zone.

LAWRENCE
What? Here?

GAZ
Yeah, why not?

LAWRENCE
What? A drug dealer? In my apartment?

GAZ
Please, come on.

LAWRENCE
And leave myself vulnerable to being raped and robbed blind?

GAZ
Yeah, out of all the people that come in and out of this apartment, Scotty is the last one who is going to rape you.

LAWRENCE
No, out of the question, no.

GAZ
Come on, I'm begging you Lawrence, I'm begging.

LAWRENCE
Absolutely not.

GAZ gets on his knees and puts his hands together in prayer.

GAZ
I'm on my knees, please.

LAWRENCE
I'm sorry, Gaz.

GAZ gets up, enraged.

GAZ
Fine! Last time I do anything for you!

GAZ storms out.

LAWRENCE
(to himself)
Like you ever do anything for me...

LAWRENCE settles himself. He goes back to his laptop. He organises his papers. He types something then strokes his beard in contemplation.

12. Int. TV studio - dream sequence

We return to PAXMAN & LAWRENCE.

LAWRENCE
Well, I don't know what you want me to say?

PAXMAN
I want you to admit this book shatters all that has preceded it.

LAWRENCE
Well, it's opinion, all art forms are subject to opinion.

PAXMAN
Yes, but not all...

DANNY
(OS, interrupting)
Lawrence? Lawrence?

We here echoes of DANNY, PAXMAN is bemused.

PAXMAN
What on earth is that?

13. Int. Living room - Day 1 19:00

LAWRENCE is in a daze, robotically working his way through a bag of rolos. DANNY is standing next him.

DANNY
Lawrence? Lawrence?

LAWRENCE
(comes to)
Sorry.

DANNY
Away with the fairies?

LAWRENCE
Potentially still.

DANNY
I'm sorry, I need to be here right now.

LAWRENCE
Right.

DANNY
It's over. It's over. It's weird to say but it's over.

LAWRENCE
(faking interest)
Oh, erm, wow, yeah.

DANNY
It's mental.

LAWRENCE
Mental is the word.

DANNY
But yeah, he's worse than me, believe it or not.

LAWRENCE
Right.

DANNY
Yeah, Vicky is in there, seeing to him.

LAWRENCE
Yeah, these things happen, I guess, the heart was made to be broken, what will be, will be and all the rest.

DANNY
I'm ok you know, maybe it hasn't sunk in yet.

Beat.

DANNY
You're not going to make me a cup of tea? I've just come out of a break-up.

LAWRENCE
(reluctant)
My apologies.

LAWRENCE starts to make the tea. DANNY takes a seat.

DANNY
Got any biscuits?

LAWRENCE
(gestures to the bags)
Help yourself.

DANNY
I love the way you've always got biscuits.

DANNY helps himself to a Twix.

DANNY
They're always so messy break ups. Even if it's on good terms, there's always the inevitable dividing of the CDs, the DVDs, the books.

LAWRENCE
Mmmm.

Beat.

DANNY
Although I have all my music on my iTunes and all the DVDs and books are his, so I guess that part is easy. The benefits of breaking up in the 20th century, I guess.

LAWRENCE
It's the 21st century.

DANNY
No it's not, it's the year twenty-seventeen. Twenty, it's not complicated. You and Ben, Jesus Christ, it's eerie sometimes.

LAWRENCE
Right... sure.

DANNY
Tell you what though, it's a good thing you haven't broken up with yourself, it'd be a nightmare dividing all this up.
(gestures to the books)

LAWRENCE
(finishing the tea)
Yes, I'm sure my severe schizophrenia would take a back seat in that scenario.

DANNY
(taking the tea)
Thanks.

Beat.

DANNY
Don't worry, I'm not looking to crash here for the night, I know you're working on your book.

LAWRENCE
That's very much appreciated.

DANNY
Vicky is gonna take me in.

LAWRENCE
That's very kind of her, are you giving Ben the night to pack his stuff?

DANNY
No, just to get some space. We'll have a girls' night or something. Eat Ben & Gerry's.

LAWRENCE
Good plan.

DANNY
It's not him that's moving out anyway. It's his nan's flat.

LAWRENCE
(concerned)
What?

DANNY
Maybe I'll see if Gaz wants to move in. Although he does live a little far.

LAWRENCE
Oh, I thought you had some sort of claim to the place, no?

DANNY
Me? No. I should be so lucky. But yeah, so what if I have to flat share for a bit. It could be a good thing. I could meet some new people. I tend to get on better with girls but even if it was a gang of straight lads, I'd just introduce them all to Vicky and then I'm in.

LAWRENCE
(a little panicked)
Excuse me.

LAWRENCE rushes to the bathroom.

14. Int. Bathroom - Day 1 - 19:06

LAWRENCE enters the bathroom to find MARLON in the tub, enjoying some bubbles.

LAWRENCE
You idiot.

MARLON
What?

LAWRENCE
You f**ked it up, you told me it was Danny's flat and Ben would be the one to go.

MARLON
I said that? Are you sure?

LAWRENCE
Yes, I'm sure.

MARLON
It doesn't sound like me.

LAWRENCE
You're unbelievable.

MARLON
Ah, so you wanted to see more of Vicky, even though you have no chance with her, and you wanted less of Ben but in fact the opposite is now going to happen. Is that it?

LAWRENCE
Yes.

MARLON
So, in essence the whole thing has backfired.

LAWRENCE
Yeah, thanks, ok, so what are we gonna do?

MARLON
Well, you're the only one here who's real so it's really all up to you. My suggestion would be to get them back together. How hard can it be?

LAWRENCE
Unbelievable.

LAWREMCE storms out.

15. Int. Living room - Day 1 - 19:08

DANNY has just put a CD on. He is standing by the speaker system, all depressed.

DANNY
Ben loves this song. I don't have it on my iTunes. I guess it's the last time I'll ever hear it.

DANNY starts to cry. LAWRENCE is extremely uneasy. He goes to say something but can't decide. He goes over to DANNY sobbing by the stereo. He stretches his arms out to hug DANNY but quickly abandons that and settles for a slight pat on the back. DANNY turns around and grabs LAWRENCE, sobbing into his chest.

DANNY
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I thought I was ok but I'm not, I'm not ok.

LAWRENCE
Erm...

DANNY
I love him, I still love him, what am I going do on my own?

LAWRENCE
Erm...why don't you take a seat?

DANNY
Yeah, that's a good idea.

DANNY sits in LAWRENCE's spot. LAWRENCE, slightly annoyed, takes the armchair. DANNY spots the box of tissues next the laptop.

DANNY
Do you mind if I take a tissue?

LAWRENCE
No, knock yourself out.

DANNY
Good place for the tissues, it's always good to have them at hand.

LAWRENCE
Erm...yeah.

DANNY
I'm sorry for blubbering all over you. I just need a good cry, I think. I can't be weak. I've got to keep it together. It's just hard when you've been together so long. You're used to seeing the same person there every night when you get home from work, and then it goes.

LAWRENCE
And how does that make you feel?

DANNY
Like, sad, you know, really sad.

LAWRENCE
So there's lots of things you'll miss?

DANNY
Everything. He makes good scrambled eggs. He puts curry powder in them and does a little whistle while he's cooking them.

LAWRENCE
(surprised)
And you'll miss that?

DANNY
Yeah, of course and other stuff. There's loads of stuff.

LAWRENCE
Well, maybe, things don't have to be so concrete. Maybe, you have a night at Vicky's, you sleep it off, and tomorrow you wake up with a different opinion, maybe he does as well.

DANNY
He's not going to change his opinion. He's so stubborn. Once he has it in his head, that's it. He's stronger than me too, always has been.

LAWRENCE
I don't know, I had him in here before and he was real mess, you know.

DANNY
Really?

LAWRENCE
Yeah, he was crying and everything.

DANNY
I've never seen him cry.

LAWRENCE
Well, you're not missing much, but yeah, he did it.

DANNY
But I can't just go crawling back.

LAWRENCE
Listen, I bet you any amount of money, Vicky is in there saying exactly what I'm saying.

DANNY
Do you think so?

LAWRENCE
Of course! And it's only crawling back if he doesn't want you. You can't give up something like this. I mean, it's Ben.

DANNY
You're right. I should go in there.

LAWRENCE
Too right.

DANNY
Alright, can I use your bathroom to wash my face first?

LAWRENCE
Go right ahead.

DANNY
Thanks.

DANNY goes off to the bathroom. LAWRENCE collapses in his chair with relief. He lets out a huge sigh and laughs to himself, shaking his head with bemused disbelief at the situation. DANNY returns.

DANNY
Were you having a bubble bath in there?

LAWRENCE
Oh, no, oh it's a long story.

DANNY
Alright, well, here I go, wish me luck.

LAWRENCE
You don't need luck.

DANNY
Thanks, Lawrence. You've been so good. You are a real friend, you know. I'm lucky to have you in my life.

LAWRENCE
Thanks.

DANNY
(leaving)
You know, I was even discussing with Vicky us three moving in together, imagine that! I think she was into it as well. But you'd probably hate it. We'd drive you up the wall.

DANNY leaves (without closing the door). LAWRENCE is dejected. He picks himself up from the armchair and begins to put his flat back in order, muttering to himself. He arranges everything back in order, takes his seat and readies his laptop. He is about to start typing when he sees GAZ at the door. GAZ is a defeated man. He looks like he's on the verge of tears. His face and clothes are stained and grubby.

LAWRENCE
Alright?

GAZ shakes his head.

LAWRENCE
Wanna come in?

GAZ nods his head. He comes in a takes a seat.

LAWRENCE
So?

GAZ
I was in a bin, Lawrence. A bin.

Beat.

GAZ
He refused to meet me on the street, so he said in the alley behind Sainsbury's. So I said ok, I go there, but then I see these two police guys having a snoop around, so I get in the bin, I didn't know what to do, it's the only place I can hide and I can't miss Scotty again. I was waiting there for ages, texting him, ringing him, kneeling in piss, a rat was in there with me. And he never even came!

LAWRENCE
What can I say, that's a real bummer.

GAZ
My whole life is a bummer. Lawrence, it's my whole life. It's a mess.

LAWRENCE
Oh, come on, Gaz, you're not like that, you're Mr. Positive.

GAZ
I dunno...

LAWRENCE
Nah, c'mon, where's the Gaz we know and love? It's just a bit of coke. You'll get more.

GAZ
It's not that mate, it's my whole life. What am I doing? Hiding in bins to meet dealers, it's pathetic.

LAWRENCE
What? You've got a great life.

GAZ
I've got nothing. I'm 30. No direction. I bounce from guy to guy. I'm doing the same job since forever. Did I tell you about Tony?

LAWRENCE
A boyfriend?

GAZ
No, no, he's straight.

LAWRENCE
Go on.

GAZ
He's only 27, he shadowed me when he started two years ago, and now he's management, Lawrence, management.

LAWRENCE
Well, that doesn't mean...

GAZ
(interrupting)
It means everything. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. I've got nothing. I'm nowhere.

GAZ stares into space, deep in contemplation. LAWRENCE composes himself and prepares to give a speech. He goes to say something but hesitates to rephrase. He tries again but hesitates. He tries a third time but before he can get the words out, GAZ's phone buzzes. GAZ leaps with joy and scares LAWRENCE out of his skin.

GAZ
Get it there my son!

LAWRENCE
What the...

GAZ
We're back on, baby, we're back on.

GAZ bounces out the apartment.

GAZ
In a bizzle!

GAZ exits. LAWRENCE is finally left alone. He sighs to himself. He picks up the multi-pack of rolos, it's empty. He chucks it to one side in disappointment. He readies himself for more writing.

16. Int. TV studio - dream sequence.

Back to the interview with PAXMAN.

PAXMAN
What did you mean by 'the morning is the worst of all vicissitudes'?

LAWRENCE
Well, I don't like to tell people how to interpret my work. I put it out there and then I let it go. I'm not gonna sit here and tell everyone how to think.

PAXMAN
Well, I think a lot of us would like that.

LAWRENCE
Oh, please.

PAXMAN
No, I'm being serious, some people are treating this as gospel, a new and improved testament.

LAWRENCE
Listen, I am not God. I'm a writer.

PAXMAN
Lawrence, what's next?

LAWRENCE
I'm working on a couple things but nothing I'm prepared to discuss at the moment.

PAXMAN
Please, Lawrence, tell us something.

LAWRENCE
It's not going to happen.

PAXMAN
Please, Lawrence, please!

LAWRENCE
No, I'm sorry, this interview is over.

LAWRENCE pulls the microphone and storms off set.

PAXMAN
Lawrence? Lawrence? Lawrence? Please, Lawrence?

END

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Will Cam

  • Friday 14th July 2017, 6:49pm
  • England
  • 7,971 posts

I read the first few scenes but it's just conversations pinging backwards and forwards, there's no action and more importantly no jokes.

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Will Cam

  • Saturday 15th July 2017, 12:29am
  • England
  • 7,971 posts

Sorry, my original comment Comes across more blunt than I intended. It could do with a rewrite.

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beaky

  • Saturday 15th July 2017, 10:01am
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,701 posts

It's normal to post ten pages, the whole thing is too much for most people to wade through.

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Lazzard

  • Saturday 15th July 2017, 10:22am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,635 posts

As Beaky says - too much.
Also, it's much easier to read if you post is as script pages on a hosting site somewhere - the endless scroll is a bit daunting. :)

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Saturday 15th July 2017, 10:45am
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,492 posts

It's too verbose with meaningless chit chat.
I'm sure there is a story to tell - tell it quicker with less words.

As said; a rewrite and a clear out is needed.

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gappy

  • Sunday 16th July 2017, 2:02pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

I basically agree with everyone else, so this post is redundant, but I wanted to do it so you'd know another person had made the effort to read (some).

The opening visual is strong, the busy set and the sheaves of paper, and I'm intrigued to know why Marlon Brando is sitting there, but then not much happens and there are no jokes. You've got me intrigued in the first 10 seconds with the set up, now get me hooked with a big fat plot point, otherwise I'll drift awaty (I think the "I'm just trying to work and everyone bugs me" plot is valid, but probably not for an opening episode, only once we know who everyone, how they related, is and why his writing is important).

Plus, like I said, some jokes wouldn't do any harm. ;)

Good luck with it.

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Crindy

  • Monday 17th July 2017, 2:10pm
  • England
  • 116 posts

Welcome back. :) Although I wasn't here a couple of years ago, so, erm, just welcome, I guess.

Sort of read through the whole lot, though I employed some juducious skimming through the second half, and I'd agree with much of what has been said. Couple of additional notes that I'd add into the mix:

- There was something a bit tonally...off for me. It's quite a neat, self-contained and fairly understated set up, with everything happening in this one guy's flat. But then there's a Marlon Brando that only your main character can see and long fantasy dream sequences with Jeremy Paxman. Maybe this just wasn't the best episode for me to be introduced to the concept, but there was something slightly jarring about those two sides of the script, almost like I'd rather have had the more absurdist bits leant on a bit harder for comedy purposes. But that may not have been what you were going for.

- Lawrence, either by accident or design, is very passive throughout the script, which means that he comes across as slightly boring, despite his fantasy sequences and hallucinations. Even when he does try to drive the story, trying to split up the couple next door, he's only really doing it because Brando told him to. I ended up wanting to see more of all the side characters and what was happening to them off camera, rather than sticking with Lawrence. Which, I guess, isn't a great position for the main character to be in.

Feel free to take this with a pinch of salt. I offer feedback from a position of complete hypocrisy given the state of my own sitcom scripts. Good luck with the rewrite! :)

(Also, I don't know what the etiquette here is for posting scripts for feedback, but I'd second the preference to a properly formatted pdf file. This forum doesn't seem to lend itself to easy-to-read formatting when you C&P Huh ).

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William Daniels

  • Thursday 20th July 2017, 8:55pm
  • England
  • 9 posts

Hello everyone, thanks a lot for reading and commenting, all your comments are appreciated. Thanks Gappy and Crindy too for your detailed analysis. Yes I guess this episode is not the best to demonstrate it. It wouldn't be the first in the series and I was actually trying to write something that took place in just one room. I do have other episode which have more action, maybe I should concentrate on them. Sorry for C&P, it was just the quickest way at the time! Many thanks for all you feedback though!

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gappy

  • Thursday 20th July 2017, 11:11pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

No problem. I personally love a bottle episode, I'm just not sure it's the one to pitch, as it were.

C&P is not a big deal to me, I found it readable (though a pdf or similar online doc is better).