British Comedy Guide

I am a giver



  • Friday 14th July 2017, 1:46am
  • Canada
  • 1 posts

Strong language and sensitive context warning!

Before you read make sure to be relaxed, nothing personal and nothing serious. Well, a little bit serious. When you read, it will be a voice in your head, your voice. Give it some flavor, act like you are on stage doing a comedy routine. Be open minded. Some drink will help, or some weed.

here it goes

I am a giver. I'm so f**king giver so I would enjoy eating pussy more than you suck my dick. That's how much giver I am. Don't judge me yet, i have my reasons.

F**k me, right? The first sentence and that's it; I will never give it to my wife to read for grammar check .

This is like the level set of the context that follows. the level of my dirtiness. The expectation is that after the first sentence you would think "what the f**k" then say
"honey, do you want to put kids to bed? And do you want me to read it out loud?"
"no, darling. go ahead, I'll read it tomorrow on my way to work."

Let's start with the word "f**k". this is a magical word, very powerful, the most popular in the entire planet. the easiest to use in any "f**king" context. the word that can express 100th of different moods, like long "f**k me" for disappointment and self-pity and emphasized "f**k you" for anger and arrogance. probably the only word that beats the "f**k" is the "ok". which makes "f**k you, ok?" the most popular expression. Literally, it means asking permission to f**k someone, right? But, in reality, it is kind of, telling someone "I am telling the truth, you don't believe me? it is your problem, bitch".
Kids are not allowed to say "f**k", and that is correct. "You don't know what the f**king means, you little freak, you cannot use it. We, adults, we don't use your little bullshit gibberish words we don't understand. So f**k off".
And by the way, the literal meaning of f**king is way more positive than negative.
F**king is the process of having sex, intimate intercourse with the intention to achieve one the best and shortest pleasant states by the end of the intercourse- the orgasm. It also the common way of creating future generations and keep the continuity of human race. it also encompasses the pleasant processes such as eating pussy and sucking dicks. and this list of positive shit goes on and on. The only negative aspect of f**king is raping, and it is half negative since it is still positive for the rapper.
So why in the world when you say "f**k you" to someone, that someone takes from all the positivity of the intent only half of one "rape" meaning and get offended. it is insane.

Another misinterpretation.
Balls and pussy.
Do you realize how tangible the balls are? It is so f**king tangible, it should be labeled
"tangible product, be careful while carrying". The man should make tattoos on them.
"this guy has some balls, be careful"
all that means is, the guy is weak and vulnerable, be careful, don't go hard on him. The same goes for the dick by the way.
The pussy, on the other hand, is the strongest shit ever. People kill for pussy, countries get into wars for pussies. Pussy is a power, plus it is not tangible at all.
"Don't be a pussy"
what? I wish I am.

that is why eating pussy is like consuming the power, it is the end game, the finish line. you feel like you climbed the highest mountain in the world.
"Don't f**k with this guy, he is powerful. He is pussy eater" that what you should say"
Every presidential candidate should make it a running campaign.
"did you eat a pussy, Mr. President? Did you get the power?"

now you understand why giving is good, right?

I am a giver, ok?
Giving is good, and I enjoy it. And my sex life is none of your god dumb business.

I mean, giving is way cooler than getting. That is what I think. Or maybe not. And maybe I am sick.
But I will stick with who I am shit and try to explain it

I enjoy it; I enjoy giving. I really do. And I hate my birthday, and I also hate Donald Trump.
Although it is nothing to do what I am talking about. I am telling it just to create some sympathy, like " see, so many things we have in common"

I hate my birthday. And every year on my birthday I want to be a stand-up comedian to tell how much I hate it. F**k my birthday, I wish I have it every week, and maybe I will become an actor.

I love giving, but on my birthday I give less and get too much. Too much love and attention. It contradicts my giving nature. I hate it. More I hate the fact that I should pretend that I am happy to get all this shitty fake wishes from people who don't give a shit about me. There is no way I can give more than I get on my birthday. It makes me sad.

F**k birthdays. And f**k Facebook. F**k that shit.

My wife says "You say, I hate my birthday, then why are you replying all the birthday messages? "
Cause it is the only way to keep the f**king balance of getting and giving. And I always go back with some nice comments, funny gif or joke. Trying to say "F**k your straight forward happy birthday message, I give more. F**k you, enjoy my reply."

The social media is screwing with us in many different ways. Starting from mostly fake propaganda and advertisement, ending with tracking and selling private information. And by the way, the date of birth is one of the important pieces of private information that identifies you. Plus many people use it is as part their passwords, right?.
But what people do, they post their date of birth everywhere.
"Oh, I like when people send me their nice wishes on my birthday."
Idiot. The people care about you, know your birthday by heart, you don't need to remind them.
Post your f**king bank account with your credentials, you moron. Maybe they will deposit some money on your account as a birthday present

Some "I have no idea who you are, and I just followed so you will follow me back" dude sends you "happy birthday, all my best wishes to you and your family" shit. F**k that. I don't know you, I never saw you, and most likely I am not gonna see you in my life, cause you motherf**ker lives in some shitty small village in Asia, with the population more than in my country and i have no intention to come by to visit you. I just connected so you would put some f**king like on my post, that's all, you are just a social headcount, that is all. So do not f**king happy birthday me. And more, don't f**king expect me to reply back with thank you. This is so sad what this f**king social media does to us. We become digital monsters, hunting for human souls in form of likes and follows.

I don't mean it; I love my followers. It's just a joke, don't unfollow me. I spend 50$ per month on followmydick.f**k website to get you

The worse is the Linkedin
This shit is serious, right? Like serious shitty people there with ties, right? And I have about 1600 of those, connected. But many of those idiots in suits are sending me a message "Happy Birthday!" by just clicking a predefined button. No writing, no effort what so ever. Just click, click, click. I can click 100th of Happy Birthdays per day. To reply you have only three buttons: Thanks, smile and thumbs up emojis. Should I just smile back or give thumbs up, or unemotional Thanks?
No, f**k. I am a giver; I cannot do that. I must give more than I get. F**k it. So for every click from you motherf**ker, "I have no idea who you are" I have to type at least Thank you my dear friend "I have no idea who the f**k you are," I appreciate it!


I think one day when I retire, I am gonna post this on Linkedin. That would be hilarious.

Btw I write this shit on my iPhone, and even I used tons of f**k and shit, my "smartphone" does not auto populate it for me. So annoying, screw you Apple.

Giving is tough, but I love giving. I enjoy it. I really do.

Here another one about social media Happy Birthday! from strangers crap. You get a notification on the messenger, Linkedin or Facebook, or whatever. You open it and same f**king Happy Birthday! a message like 5 times. you think the dude clicked it multiple times, but no. It one f**king Happy Birthday! per year. This motherf**ker send me Happy Birthday!, get lost for a year, no contact, nothing. he doesn't even give a shit if I am dead already. Next year, "Happy Birthday my friend, all the best to you and family." F**k you, moron!

I hate birthdays, but I love giving

Enjoying birthday is a mistake, after the day you realize that your mom had sex exactly your age + 9 months ago. When you know the exact time, it is f**king easy to visualize and it is disturbing. And celebrating birthday after 40 is it even worth. It is a countdown, dude.
I wonder if there is an adoption date celebration.
"Maybe we should tell him"
"he is a kid, don't traumatize him"
"Honey, maybe we should tell him now, he is 13 already he understands stuff, and he hates us anyway. Let's get back to this little piece of shit".
"not yet, he will run away"
"how about now? he is 40"
"we can't, he is our sponsor"
"But he can guess, honey. we are white and he is not"

Hi hate this shit, it is awful

But I love giving, giving is a relive

And by the way, giving makes me also a shitty seller, you know?

I never sell any shit without giving up a bunch of money.

I had this cool camera, Canon. shit is almost a professional camera. I bought it brand new for 2600, like three years ago. And I used it f**king a lot, a lot. Now I am selling it, right?

So let me ask you, what would you do before putting it on Kijiji. Market research, right? To figure out the right price and all. does anyone think what the thing you are selling has given to you during the usage of the thing the are selling? Like how much value you have received?

I know, you will consider me stupid. But, here is my thought process. I bought it for 2600, did a lot of shots, literally learned photography on that shit, that makes at least minus 1500, so I give it away for 1100. F**k the market value which is maybe 1300. That's how shitty seller I am the shittiest seller, but a good giver.

Yesterday I was selling a small digital piano; I was drunk when a young man came by to buy it. I was in my sensitive mood, you know. I imagined for a moment that this young man could've been my son, I mean I dream my son to go to buy a piano, rather than a PS4 game. Anyway, I was so touched by my own f**king idea, plus I asked the dude to play for me, and by the end, I gave it away for 60$ instead initially agreed 100$. Honestly, I was thinking to give it for free, but I don't. the guy would understand, neither do my wife.

I also love buying new shit; I don't care how expensive it is. Although maybe this is nothing to do with giving. But hey, f**k you. This is my show I can tell any shit I want.

But seriously, I love buying new shit. Mostly i love the smell. The f**king smell of some f**king corporate production line. It's like giving a hug to some Chinese dude in uniform

Actually, it is kind of giving away too. The stupid one

Buying a new car vs. buying a car that someone bought before you two days ago it is like giving away 5000 f**king dollars. That's how stupid I am and that's how much f**king corporate smell costs.

Speaking of corporate, I love office job. White collars, parasites of the society.

Imagine the first white collar dude. Or I should say relatively clean fur dude.

It's like all these f**king dirty hunters lined up in front of the cage with their trophies. And this fat motherf**ker accountant says "Next. Dinosaur leg. Good, good stuff ma man." and carving a line on the stone
"Next. What the f**k is this, bitch. Are you f**king kidding me, a chicken? where you get this shit. who gonna eat this shit. Go f**k back, and be sure I am gonna escalate this to compliance office, young man. One more strike and you are fired" carving X in front of the dude's name.

This corporate shit also about giving though. Ask Karl Marks, he will tell you.

I am also not a hero. F**k heroes! I have never been a hero; I just had a hard time accepting it. I mean I knew I am not a hero from the beginning, but was so much afraid what would people think of me, so I would hide it until I realized that nobody gives a shit who I am. Thank you, Canada.

When I was a kid, I would hang up with these f**king bully morons so that I wouldn't get bullied myself. I hated them, but I was a smart kid who knew how to survive, you know? Now I am over 40, and I confess. I am a pussy. Pussy smart survivor.

Give me a thumbs up if you want me to continue writing. Or just tell to shut a f**k up