British Comedy Guide

Skunkcont 12 - 20.6.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 12th June 2017, 7:50pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to ME for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. It isn't really. I am joking.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - me
1 - 5 - Otterfox, Crindy
Speckled mention: Gappy

Your next subject is GHOSTS (chosen by GAPPY).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 20.6.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me
2 - 5 - Patrick. Otterfox, Crindy

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gappy

  • Monday 19th June 2017, 1:23pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

GORDON: Order, everyone, order. Thank you for coming to the Spectral Communication Project Committee. Angus, just before we start, can you remind us all how long the current project's been running?

ANGUS: Since the dawn of human history.

GORDON: Yes. So I feel it's high time for a review. Sally, perhaps you'd remind the committee what our message to the living is.

SALLY: Certainly, Gordon. Our demands are that the rights of ghosts, spirits and all revenant peoples are acknowledged, and that we have representation on all legislative authorities within the temporal realm.

GORDON: Very good. And what is the main method we've used to express this to the breathers?

SALLY: Moving stuff about at night.

GORDON: Right. Well, that seems crystal clear, our communication methods could hardly be more obvious. I move that we just carry on with that for another few millennia, see how it goes. Meeting adjourned.

DILBERT: Now, hang on a minute.

GORDON: Ah, Dilbert, the floor is yours. Oh, yes, and the space just in the corner of my vision, if you'd prefer.

DILBERT: [SOUNDS LIKE SCARGILL, OR SIMILAR] This plan of ours is getting us nowhere. Our aims are too big. What about the politics of the personal? As a representative of The Ghosts Of People Who Died In Threshing Accidents, my members demand -

ANGUS: We've told you before, your severed limbs don't get separate votes!

DILBERT: My members and I demand that our corporeal elements are reunited and buried on hallowed ground. It is through these local initiatives that the best results for spriritkind will come about.

GORDON: And how have you ben communicating this request to the vale of tears?

DILBERT: I shifted an ashtray to the other side of a table.

GORDON: I honestly cannot see how you could have been clearer in your communication. Have you made any progress?

DILBERT: No. Plus I made the Stevensons' bathroom a little bit cold.

ANGUS: What?

SALLY: At least send a consistent message, Dilbert! Don't bombard them with contradictory demands.

DILBERT: Contradictory demands, is it? The time for namby-pamby politeness is over! I intend to go back and....wobble a painting a bit.

SALLY: [GASP]

GORDON: Did you say...wobble a painting?

DILBERT: Aye. A bit!

SALLY: [HUGE GASP]

GORDON: Those methods are entirely at odds with the ethos of respectful, rational and clear communication at the heart of our endeavour. I regret to inform you, Dilbert, that you are no longer welcome within the Spectral Commission.

DILBERT: Oh. But, is it OK if -

GORDON: And all your limbs are banned too.

DILBERT: Bloody hell!

GORDON: And I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say, quite categorically, "wooo".

SALLY &: Wooo!
ANGUS

DILBERT: You didn't have to be so blunt about it. I bid you good day: Good day!

GORDON: Sorry about that, everyone. So, I think that wraps things up, I shall record this meeting as closed. Sally, could you pass me that pen?

SALLY: Of course, Gordon...just after I've rolled it a couple of inches to the left.

GORDON: [UNDER BREATH] Sally, not in public!

SALLY: [WHISPER] Wooo....

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Crindy

  • Tuesday 20th June 2017, 3:30pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 116 posts

INT. BANK - DAY

A BANK MANAGER sits opposite MR JONES, well groomed, blond, wearing a necktie.

BANK MANAGER
Right then, Mr Jones. I just have a few questions about this business loan application. This is the seventh loan you've requested from this very bank?

MR JONES
That's right.

BANK MANAGER
And all of your previous loans are still outstanding.

MR JONES
Outstanding, eh? Well, thanks very much.

A burst of unconvincing canned laughter fills the air.

BANK MANAGER
What was that?

MR JONES
Oh, that? It comes and goes.

BANK MANAGER
Ok...Well, we're just a little concerned about what you're using this vast amount of unpaid capital for. Can you tell me a bit more about this business of yours?

MR JONES
Well, it's me, my friends and a dog. And we basically drive around the country hunting for supernatural entities.

BANK MANAGER
Did you say 'supernatural entities'?

MR JONES
Yeah, you know. Ghosts, ghouls, zombies, that sort of thing.

BANK MANAGER
I see. Actually, I don't see. What does that actually entail, from a business perspective?

MR JONES
Well, just last week, we drove to Mr Stevens's old funfair. The one just out of town?

BANK MANAGER
I think I know what Mr Stevens's old funfair is. It's the ninth old funfair on the right on your way out of town.

MR JONES
Well, anyway, we'd heard rumours that there was a ghost in the hall of mirrors, so we investigated.

BANK MANAGER
And did you find a ghost?

MR JONES
Yes!

BANK MANAGER
Oh. Really?

MR JONES
Well...no. It turned out to be Mr Stevens wearing a sheet over his head. But it looked really convincing for the most part.

BANK MANAGER
I see. Well, did you at least get paid?

MR JONES
Oh no, we don't charge.

BANK MANAGER
You're asking for a loan to fund a business that doesn't actually charge clients for services rendered?

MR JONES
No. I'm asking for my seventh loan to fund a business that doesn't actually charge clients for services rendered!

Another burst of over-the-top canned laughter.

BANK MANAGER
That's really off-putting, isn't it?

MR JONES
Yeah, I think we'll drop it from now on. So, anyway, the loan?

BANK MANAGER
Mr Jones, can I ask you: How many have you actually found?

MR JONES
What do you mean?

BANK MANAGER
You know. Ghosts, ghouls, zombies, how many genuine incidents of supernatural phenomena in major tourist attractions across the country have you and your team unearthed?

MR JONES
Are we excluding incidents of supernatural phenomena that turned out to be just owners and/or employees of said major tourist attractions wearing unconvincing costumes?

BANK MANAGER
Yes, we are excluding those.

MR JONES
Ah. So, zero, I guess.

BANK MANAGER
So, you don't get paid for your work, you don't appear to have any business strategy whatsoever, according to the form you've filled in, you also don't appear to have any assets at all beyond a garishly-painted van and a stash of a so-called 'snack' that I'm going to assume is slang for some sort of narcotic, and over the course of nearly half a century of searching, you have failed to uncover a single example of the supernatural phenomena you claim to be investigating?

MR JONES
Did I mention that the dog can talk?

BANK MANAGER
Several times. I put that down to the narcotics.

MR JONES
Well, ok, but apart from all that, can we have another loan?

BANK MANAGER
I'm afraid not, Mr Jones. I'm going to have to decline your application. Now, if you'll excuse me, my next appointment is here.

MR JONES
(sighing)
Fair enough.

Mr Jones exits disconsolately. A second CUSTOMER walks in and sits down. The Bank Manager picks up another file from the desk.

BANK MANAGER
Right. Now I've been looking over your car insurance application, and I do have a few questions for you, Mr Dastardly...

THE END

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 20th June 2017, 6:42pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

Heard about the priest with two dicks? Put the willies up choirboys.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Tuesday 20th June 2017, 10:05pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 125 posts

I saw a movie yesterday, it was about a spirit that needed petrol: Ghost in the Shell Forecourt.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 20th June 2017, 11:42pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,693 posts

How do ghosts keep in touch?

On Face Boo...k

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gappy

  • Wednesday 21st June 2017, 10:26am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

Crindy for me, you can't beat a Scooby Doo sketch.

Rerry runny.

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playfull

  • Wednesday 21st June 2017, 10:37pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,693 posts

Crindy, just, from Gappy.

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Crindy

  • Thursday 22nd June 2017, 11:26am
  • England
  • 116 posts

The one-liners were as entertaining as one of them was disturbing. :D But I vote gappy. Good idea, well executed. :)