British Comedy Guide

Skitcomp 22 - 30.5.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 22nd April 2017, 12:13pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY, PATRICK, PLAYFULL and me for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous. I will PM myself!! I won't really. I'm joking.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, Patrick, me, Playfull

Your next subject is SWIMMING (chosen by Gappy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 30.5.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Playfull, Gappy
2 - 20 - Patrick
3 - 10 - me

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gappy

  • Monday 24th April 2017, 8:14pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

VOICEOVER: [Infuriating radio advert tones] I'm here to tell you about Boscombe's Holidays. Do you remember how great it felt when you swam with dolphins?

VOICE 1: No.

VOICEOVER: You don't remember?

VOICE 1: I've never done it.

VOICEOVER: I see. Well, this advert's not for you, please don't talk again.

VOICE 1: OK, no problem.

VOICEOVER: [Annoyed growl] Do you remember how great it felt when you swam with dolphins?

VOICE 2: Yes!

VOICEOVER: And would you like to relive that feeling?

VOICE 2: The feeling of remembering?

VOICEOVER: No, the feeling of the actual swimming.

VOICE 2: Then, yes! Tell me more.

VOICEOVER: A Boscombe Holiday is perfect for you. Just as you spent heart-tickling time circling some mammalian pack animals in Florida, you can do the same right here in Tadcaster - plus we have more different types of pack mammals, and you won't even get wet!

VOICE 3: I have never had a more spiritual experience than jogging with heifers.

VOICEOVER: And how did it feel, third person here?

VOICE 3: Amazing. I could jog near the heifers, jog round the heifers - touching them was the most intense experience, we shared a bond. A bond and a field. I could run next to them for a bit, stop, do...the first one again. The options were infinite!

VOICEOVER: Yes, trotting towards livestock is the same as swimming with dolphins, don't think about it too deeply. Book today and, in addition to jogging with heifers we'll throw in bonus sessions of scampering with sheep, hiking with bullocks and orienteering with llamas! If we get any llamas!

VOICE 2: That sounds incredible!

VOICE 3: It was incredible!

VOICE 1: Can I go now? Because it looks as though you're pretty much done.

VOICEOVER: Book your trip running near cattle now - because it's basically no more stupid than something that already exists!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 25th April 2017, 6:46am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

I jizzed in the bathwater and now my mother wants to use it. What a problem. It's insoluble.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 30th April 2017, 11:48am [Edited]
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

There was a young man called Tim,
Who wanted to learn how to swim.
He said to a guy:
"Teach me butterfly!"
And a bird flew down and ate him.

And

It's hard to learn how to swim, but it's best to throw yourself in at the deep end.

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playfull

  • Monday 1st May 2017, 12:02pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Doh! missed the deadline!

It has to be Gappy. I think you have the basis of a sitcom here. A dodgy farmer trying various schemes to replace his disappearing EU grants...

Loved the VOICE 2: The feeling of remembering?

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gappy

  • Monday 1st May 2017, 12:15pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Patrick.

PS That'sa ctually a good idea for a sit com, Playfull - quick, pitch it now!

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Patrick Robinson

  • Monday 1st May 2017, 9:12pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Gappy wins for me: nice idea of a mundane version of swimming with dolphins etc. Made me think of:
What would a dolphin's bucket list look like? Swim with humans? Play darts with bears? Drive a car with a badger?.......

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gappy

  • Wednesday 3rd May 2017, 10:33am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 1st May 2017, 9:12 PM

What would a dolphin's bucket list look like? Swim with humans? Play darts with bears? Drive a car with a badger?.......

I think my sketch is inspiring better ideas than it embodies :)

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 5th May 2017, 11:21am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Gappy.
Sorry for the delay. Computerless and all I got for wanking is the topless jogger scene in 'The Meaning Of Life'.