British Comedy Guide

Comedy script writers wanted for a new TV show

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Bindi Sandhu

  • Wednesday 19th April 2017, 8:39pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 2 posts

Hi Guys

We are looking for comedy script writers from the WEST MIDLANDS area for a new 20-episode TV show that will be filmed between May-August 2017.

Location for the TV show will be in Warwick/Solihull where we will have a writers room for our team of script writers.

Please send the best short example of your writing skills, as well as your CV and cover letter is optional.

If you are selected, there will be an agreement to sign an NDA and you will receive full credits on all works.

This will be paid work.

Thank you and good luck!

Off-topic post by david kendell on Wed 19th Apr 2017, 20:41

To work in any kitchen and last a long time you need a certain mindset

No matter what happens or how bad it gets do not quit

If you are told to do something just do it don't bitch about it

Never get offended

Always remember what happens in the kitchen stays in the kitchen

Yes you will f**k up lots but it is how you deal with it that counts

Yes kitchen work is an institution

It's a head chef job to be a massive c**t the 2 most common head chefs i have come across are the verbally intimidating and the jedi mind head f**k head chef.

Intimidating head chefs are easy to figure their game out

They do not have a problem screaming 2 inches away from you f**king face when you f**k up

They also may like to bring waiting on staff to tears and like to think that people are scared of them as they may well believe they are an alpha male

2. Jedi mind f**k head chefs

In my opinion these are worse as you never know what they are thinking and the punishments for f**king up is all/mostly psychology and come in many forms.

You could f**k up and 3 weeks later head chef comes along at 9pm gives you a job list, you think this will take 3 hours to do but you finish at 10pm and he will say i need it done before you leave.

Pot wash / kitchen Bottom feeder

Ok we all gotta start somewhere in the kitchen and normally this is it, welcome to the easiest shit job in the kitchen. What i mean from easiest shit job is

Its f**king easy

Its shit
Ok first f**king shit day on the job you have been shown around the shit hole maybe by a head chef/sous chef c**t whoever it may f**king be, at this time the person giving you the tour is making out he is your best f**king bum chum of a friend showing you just how much of a c**t he is, he may even crack a shit f**king joke and for some stupid f**king reason it makes you feel f**king fruity and good inside that weak f**king mind, a feeling of being accepted and respect how f**king short lived it may be on the first day of the rest of your pitiful shit life.

The place where you will be slaving being treated like absolute dog shit or the place you call work may have a 1 to 5 star rating attached to it. This star rating just gives you an idea as to how shit or how pretentious the place is. This rating is awarded by some c**t who goes around with his AA checklist a glass of wine and a nice mouldy cheese. You can see a full list of these places along with where you work in a book titled AA Food and Drink guide which can be purchased in any seedy blood semien stained motorway service station.

If you are really f**king lucky and love the idea of being surrounded by a kitchen full of special super dick c**t wannabe tv personalities and edible f**king flowers then where you work may have AA Rosettes, That fine if you can handle some c**t chef going on with bullshit stories about London or France all the f**king time working in this environment.

Ok you have been shown around the pretentious shithole , head chef/sous chef c**t has shown you where to get changed and said once changed come to kitchen to meet john the head pot wash.

You enter the kitchen you see the pot wash area and see some middle aged man wearing some sort of boiler suit this must be john as you walk over you see the individual who had shown you around earlier and cracked some shit jokes with you. He sees you, you see him the c**t blanks you/ just doesn't respond like he did earlier.

Ok Don't worry this is normally shit. He blanks you just to let you know that in front of the brigade of chefs/c**ts that you are a piece of f**king shit that doesn't deserve the waste of light and reflection time it takes for the light to be reflected back to his eyeball for him to f**king see you looking back , And that he is top c**t in the kitchen.

Ok let's get into some points

Head pot wash/kitchen bitch/tea maker/ some c**t who has been washing pots longer cuz there life is shit and one day this person may one day go on a killing spree/May own an asian sex doll

Ok nobody when they are young think they will ever be washing the f**king dishes in their 30/40s.

So if you come across one of these specimens don't get too f**king close or friendly these guys usually come with a whole bag of f**ked up problems, even worse personal hygiene and tons of bullshit just waiting for some c**t to tell them all about it.

If you are a dumb person/friendly/trusting and someone who sees the good in everyc**t then you are sure to get f**ked. It might start out as a small and simple as can i crash a cigarette or can i use your phone then next thing you know you wake up with a clowns pocket for a shit hole, there's a reason they are washing dishes in there 40s.

Normally these people have a secret past or maybe they like young boys or some shit

Whatever it is you don't want to know. Stay away but don't offend as these persons may well be a shit stain on the eyes of society but they are still higher in the kitchen chain than you.

2. Listen to everything/do everything/ make them cup o teas bitch

Yeah real easy one,If you wanna get out of washing the f**king dishes and telling all your dickhead mates that you're a chef.

Simple don't talk shit and bollocks don't get lost in my dick is bigger stories what some chef de partie c**t might be telling you about some shit he has installed into his car, just get your head down and wash them pots and empty them f**king bins.c**t.

Your job is simple make yourself so good at washing pots that it makes whoever else who works on that section look like a massive incontinent dick.

3. Do not get an opinion or grow a f**king brain about anything

Ok you have proven your penis sucking and tea making abilities don't f**king spoil it by trying to go all charles dickens and try joining in on conversations this will only f**k you making you look like a c**t and will result in you washing pots longer.

4. Don't f**king whistle or hum some shit c**t song no matter how good your mad lip skills are

Yeah no c**t wants to hear the f**king guy who washers the pots whistling like he's having the time of his f**king life while the chefs are in the shit running around like c**ts getting amongst it,going check blind and shit.

They will only punish you later, they may make you clean the walk in freezer or burn loads of pans for you

You can be happy as f**kin larry inside but look miserable as f**k on the outside.

5. Never miss a day of work/sickness bullshit

Ok like most shit in kitchens this is f**ked up.

Even if you have the shits and projectile vomiting by normal standards you must not return to work until 24-48 hours after your last vomit. BUT quoting this to a head chef will only get you more time washing them f**king dishes.

It's so commonplace now and is accepted in most trades that if you got the sniffles/ got wankered the night before/ got a new boys toy. That it's somehow ok just to say you been sick and say shit on the phone like oh i would come to work but been sick so i should wait 24 hours.

Yeah don't even try that shit in a kitchen.

If you find yourself actually ill you better suck that shit up plug up your arshole and man the f**k up.

Again failure to do this will result in you washing pots longer than you have too.

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Paul Wimsett

  • Wednesday 19th April 2017, 9:08pm [Edited]
  • Folkestone, England
  • 2327 posts

Why do we have to sign an NDA and get full credit? Surely an NDA is only for ghostwriting?

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Lazzard

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 10:36am [Edited]
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4092 posts

The guy probably just wants to keep the project quiet until he's further along with it.
20 episodes of TV - blimey ! No wonder you need a roomful of writers.
I'm in the area, but from the sniffing around I've done, I'm not sure we're right for each other.
Good luck with it though - good to see people keeping it local.

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Bindi Sandhu

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 10:37am
  • United Kingdom
  • 2 posts

The producers will ask all the successful candidates to sign a NDA before they disclose the content/synopsis of the show.

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playfull

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 3:06pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1224 posts

I'm in the 'Midland Engine' (no i have no idea what it is either) but not in the West Midlands.

Shooting is to start in May ???

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Paul Wimsett

  • Thursday 20th April 2017, 4:30pm
  • Folkestone, England
  • 2327 posts

I believe Bindi is a girl's name, Lazz.

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Lazzard

  • Friday 21st April 2017, 10:43am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4092 posts

Not if it's the Bindi Sandhu I'm thinking of.

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