British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 30.3 - 7.4.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 31st March 2017, 11:45am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to PLAYFULL for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next subject is HORROR (chosen by Playfull).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 7.4.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Playfull
2 - 15 - Gappy
3 - 5 - Patrick

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gappy

  • Tuesday 4th April 2017, 6:34pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

ARAB: My friend, you appear troubled.

CLIVE: [Posh 1920s type] Quite so, my man. Yesterday I procured this petrified scorpion's tail from a trader on this very spot. Today, on wishing to discuss my purchase with the man, I find his business...[Mysterious] is no longer here!!

ARAB: Market is on Wednesdays only.

CLIVE: Oh, right. He won't be back till next week, then?

ARAB: That's right, effendi. Sometimes the farmers sell their cheese on a Monday. But this is not cheese.

CLIVE: No. By Jupiter, I wish I could find that infernal trader! I wish to speak to him urgently.

ARAB: Aha, is your scorpion's tail, perhaps, curs-ed?

CLIVE: No. I just wanted to say that it is the best petrified scorpion's tail I've ever had. I wanted to see if I could get one for my cousin.

ARAB: They do do good scorpion tails here. It is in the guide book and everything.

CLIVE: Yes. Also, he sold me a bag of stuffed camel phalluses, which were excellent value.

ARAB: Always a good price, my friend. Always.

VOICEOVER: [English, and in a local radio ad style] For unbeatable value, and award-winning local cheese, come to Baghdad market, every Wednesday, from eight AM. Get there quickly, before those camel cocks [Cheap reverb effect] sell out! [Really quickly, low] Cheese only available on Mondays. Some items may carry the curse of King Neppumuk. [Reverby and shouted] Camel's cocks!

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Patrick Robinson

  • Friday 7th April 2017, 8:35am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 125 posts

Scene: hospital office. Dr Smith at desk. A tall man enters:

Dr Acula: Hello, I'm here for the Phlebotomy job, blood testing department.

Dr Smith: Yes, welcome Dr.......?

Dr Acula: Acula.

Dr Smith: Ah yes. Dr Acula. Is that Romanian?

Dr Acula: No, Transylvanian.

Dr Smith: Ah, OK. Sorry about Brexit.

Dr Acula: Brexit?

Dr Smith: Oh, it doesn't matter. Well, let's look at your CV..........You've certainly worked in blood testing a long time.

Dr Acula: Yes indeed, you could say it runs in the family. My father vos into blood, as vos my grandfather and my great grandfather also.

Dr Smith: So what makes you qualified for the post of blood testing manager?

Dr Acula: I have a great passion for blood. I know it inside out. I live for it. And I have a 2:1 degree from Derby University.

Dr Smith: What blood type are you yourself?

Dr Acula: A.

Dr Smith: What blood type are you?

Dr Acula: A.

Dr Smith: I said, What blood type are you yourself?

Dr Acula: A. Blood type A. Does this matter for the job?

Dr Smith: Not really, we just ask as we ran out of questions. Well, you're certainly qualified for the post. Do you have any questions about the job?

Dr Acula: Yes, could I vork night shifts?

Dr Smith: Why yes, that's possible.

Dr Acula: I vondered if I could do blood vork from home? I have all the equipment needed.

Dr Smith: it's an unusual request, vhy? Sorry. why?

Dr Acula: My patients vould be more comfortable. They never complain. And I like flexible hours.

Dr Smith: No, this wouldn't be possible.

Dr Acula: (trying hypnosis) YES, I CAN WORK FROM HOME. YES, I CAN WORK FROM HOME.

Dr Smith: No you can't, why have your eyes gone weird? Are you trying to.......hang on, you're a bloody vampire aren't you?

Dr Acula: NO, I'M NOT A BLOODY.....

Dr Smith: Stop trying that hypnosis crap, we've all seen Star Wars. Get out of my office.......(Dr Acula leaves in a huff). Bloody vampires. Then again, we are short staffed for our night time paramedic staff......(runs after Dr Acula)..............Dr Acula, Dr Acula....

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 7th April 2017, 10:28am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

I filmed a porno with Edward Scissorhands wanking. Cut.

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playfull

  • Friday 7th April 2017, 11:27pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,693 posts

INSPECTOR: Mr Todd?

TODD: Hello gentlemen what is your pleasure, a haircut? Or maybe a hot shave?

INSPECTOR: I am Inspector Grate and this is Sargent Spigot.

TODD: You want to inspect my grates?

INSPECTOR: What?

TODD: You said you are a grate inspector.

INSPECTOR: No I am Inspector Grate of the yard.

TODD: You are a yard inspector?

INSPECTOR: Enough of this frivolity, are you the Barber Sweeney Todd?

TODD: The best Barber on Fleet Street!

INSPECTOR: Also known as the 'Demon Barber of Fleet Street?'

SPIGOT: Grate inspector! I get it...he thought you were here to inspect his...

INSPECTOR: Ignore him, we just keep him for the coshing. Where was i?

TODD: I think you had just finished.

INSPECTOR: Very amusing Mr Todd. I think I had just asked if you were called the 'Demon Barber of Fleet Street?'

TODD: Indeed, I am he. Please take a seat here inspector and allow me to give you one of my special close shaves whilst we talk, complimentary of course.

INSPECTOR: Well that is very kind of you, I don't mind if I do. We have had several complaints Mr Todd. There are reports that people are disappearing after visiting your establishment.

TODD: Disappearing?

INSPECTOR: Do you have any explanation for these disappearances?

TODD: Well people can look very different after a good haircut.

INSPECTOR: Are you suggesting that people are just failing to recognise their loved ones after you have trimmed their fringe or changed their parting?

TODD: Or they might have decided to emigrate. The Americas are proving a great draw.

INSPECTOR: Sudden spontaneous emigration eh? I can't help but notice the large amount of blood you were mopping up when we entered.

TODD: Ah yes, I nicked the ear of my last customer.

INSPECTOR: About five pints I would estimate, quite an earful I would suggest.

WHOOSH BANG.

SPIGGOT: You took your time, I nearly coshed him myself.

TODD: The foot pedal wasn't working. I think there is a finger jammed in it.

SPIGGOT: I'll see you in about a week when we have a new inspector.

TODD: Don't forget to pop next door for you free pies.

SPIGGOT: Do you recommend any flavour?

TODD: The vegetarians good, made with real vegetarians.

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gappy

  • Saturday 8th April 2017, 10:31am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

Patrick is my definite winner this week, good work. Nowt wrong with the other 2, but sometmes a sketch just grabs you, and I like P's a lot.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 8th April 2017, 10:42am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

All good but Gappy again. I mean all good but I'm voting for Gappy, not all good except...

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playfull

  • Saturday 8th April 2017, 11:42am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,693 posts

Was really not happy with mine, almost didn't post it. Strange how hard it is sometimes.

Liked Patricks Bloody effort - particularly the "And I have a 2:1 degree from Derby University."

Michaels was strangely devoid of swearing, blasphemy and offensive references - though he still managed to work in a severed cock. Good work there.

But it has to be Gappy again for me. I was beautifully misdirected twice in the opening few lines.