- Monday 27th March 2017, 12:02pm [Edited]
- 705 posts
Gave Newsjack a go last series. Got nothing on in the first three episodes so stopped trying and did other things.
May give a go when it comes back so if I can learn anything about where I'm screwing up that'd be great! Below are two sketches of mine that got rejected. Maybe they're not satirical enough (or, er, just crap).
ANGELA: A draft letter of abdication written by George III has been made public for the first time. You can tell the letter was an early draft because it has a waffle-y introduction that goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on (DEEP BREATH) and on and on and on and on and on and no-one likes an introduction that does that. Who knows what other royal letters we may soon see?
GRAMS: SOPHISTICATED MUSIC.
F/X: WRITING ON PAPER WITH PEN (UNDER).
YOUNG GERMAN MAN: Though I am yet to receive all the details as to what your invention does, I have heard it is a contraption that is attached to the end of an appendage, and therefore surmise it is some ingenious prosthetic hand or foot. Ergo, I am more than happy for my name to be associated with such a monumental life-changing instrument. Yours sincerely, Prince Albert.
HENRY VIII: Dear Catherine Parr, my wondrous finance. To answer your prior question as to what happened to my last five wives... Errrr... (INHALES THROUGH TEETH) Well, you'll probably hear some jokes about that during the best man's speech. By the way, regarding wedding gifts, best not ask for ruffs or scarves. Yours sincerely, Henry VIII.
RUSSIAN WOMAN: Dear Ivan. I am fed up of people attaching me to the front of drains and air vents. Yours sincerely, Catherine the Grate.
PRINCE CHARLES: Dear mother. Awfully frightened to hear about your recent heart trouble. Please find enclosed my gift to help you while away your time in hospital: Blu-rays of the entire Friday the 13th series. Best to watch them at night with the volume turned up high and feel free to enjoy those butter-infused lardy cakes I got you. Yours sincerely, Ki... Prince Charles.
DER SPIEGEL EDITORIAL MEETING (Could've done some trimming with this one)
ANGELA: The German news magazine, Der Spiegel, has received a lot of complaints for having a front cover which has Donald Trump holding the bloody severed head of the statue of liberty. Now, they say you shouldn't judge something by its cover, but if you're looking for a Harry Potter book, buy the book that says Harry Potter on the cover. That's what covers are for - judging the book. However, in this case, we can assume the editorial board at Der Spiegel were just courting controversy.
JOHANN: OK, for this cover of Der Spiegel we want something bold and striking.
MONA: How about... Mike Tyson?
MONA: He's bald and he strikes people. That's what you asked for, yes?
JOHANN: Er, I think there's been some misunderstanding - which is understandable given we are Germans who are for some reason conducting this meeting in English. What I meant was - what image can we can have on the front cover that will really shock people?
HERMAN: How about the prophet?
JOHANN: Errr... Well... Errrr.
HERMAN: Profit, Johann, profit. Will this shocking front cover get Der Spiegel more revenue?
JOHANN: Oh thank God! Well, I think yes, because we'll get lots of publicity. We'll be featured in other publications, TV shows, people will write comedy sketches about us.
JULIA: Oh, really? Satire?
JOHANN: (MAKES ERMING AND AHHING SOUNDS) Anyway, so, I was thinking our cover should be a cartoon. What shocking political statements made via the medium of caricature can we think of?
MONA: I've got it! - A statue of Merkel. And Theresa May is a pigeon who's defecating onto her!
JOHANN: Well, it's an idea that's political, but it's not really funny in any way. So, perfect for a German cartoon!
JULIA: Please. I thought you wanted something shocking? How about Trump holding the severed head of the statue of liberty?
HERMAN: No! Wait! I've got it!
F/X: SCRIBBLING ON A SHEET OF PAPER.
HERMAN: I'll make a draft. This is the most offensive vile cover you could ever, ever, ever have on a publication!
F/X: PAPER PUSHED ACROSS TABLE. PAPER PICKED UP FROM TABLE.
JOHANN: Herman, all you've done on this sheet of paper is write "The Sun".
JOHANN: We want shocking, but we're not barbarians. Trump holding the statue of liberty's severed head it is.