British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 18 - 26.3.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 18th March 2017, 1:20pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to PLAYFULL for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Playfull
2 - 5 - Patrick

Your next subject is PSYCHOLOGY.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 26.3.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Playfull
2 - 10 - Gappy
3 - 5 - Patrick

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 20th March 2017, 11:58am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Imagine a fellow. He is beset by anxiety over famine, political imprisonment and disease. He aims to fly food to Africa, liberate the oppressed and donate to valuable medical research. Sadly, these are all sad affairs, so the lad runs the rather sad risk of becoming rather sad, sadly. Let us then apply the rudiments of positive psychology, whereby the youth rather ruminates on three nice things - say, three cupcakes. He may further contemplate three nice characteritics thereof - overall tastiness, ready availability, ease of consumption - so that his rapture exponentially increases ninefold. He may even wheel himself to the nearest grocer to purchase the vital victuals, masticate voraciously and muse yerse, the world is indeed a fine place - would one only let it be so. Positive thinking. Don't let's complain, or I shall rip your f**king head off.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Monday 20th March 2017, 7:03pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Letter from Freud to Jung:

Jung man, there's no need to feel down
I said, Jung man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, Jung man, when persona's all bound
Your spirit tends to be unhappy.

Jung man, there's a place you can go
I said, Jung man, when you're free of shadow
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will see
Many ways to a healthy psyche
It's fun to stay at the S.E.L.F
It's fun to stay at the S.E.L.F

All the best, Freud.

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gappy

  • Sunday 26th March 2017, 2:00pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

AMANDA: Hi, Jacqui. Come in, please.

JACQUI: Hi, Amanda. How you doing?

AMANDA: Not bad, thanks. So, shall we - oh, do you mind taking your shoes off?

JACQUI: Of course not! Sorry, I didn't think.

AMANDA: Shoes off, that's the rule here, I'm afraid. I'm a little bit OCD about it.

JACQUI: Oh, you're a little bit complex psychological condition about it?

AMANDA: Yes, I'm a tiny bit crippling mental illness typified by self-destructive ritualistic obsessions when it comes to removing shoes. And coasters.

JACQUI: Fair enough. Anyway, we'd best go, the train is at twenty past.

AMANDA: No, I think it's twenty to.

JACQUI: Really? I'm clearly having a bit of a senior moment.

AMANDA: A bit Alzherimer's today, are you?

JACQUI: Yes, a bit vascular dementia, me. A bit slow methodical atrophy of the fronto-temporal lobe.

AMANDA: A bit tragic erosion of the persona of a loved one?

JACQUI: A bit corticobasal degeneration-inspired dystonia, yes.

AMANDA: What are you like?

JACQUI: I don't remember.

AMANDA: Figures. Well, shall we grab a seat whilst we wait?

JACQUI: Ooh, yeah, I'm knackered. My legs are killing me. I'm a little bit paraplegic, to be honest?

AMANDA: I know the feeling. I'm a bit arthritic inflammation due to ankylosing spondylitis myself.

JACQUI: I'm an absolute double amputee. Do you mind if I smoke?

AMANDA: Course not, Jacqui.

JACQUI: [BEAT, THEN LONG RACKING COUGHS]

AMANDA: That looks like quite a lot of blood. You should get that seen to.

JACQUI: Gah, doctors, what do they know?

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playfull

  • Sunday 26th March 2017, 2:25pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Psychology

GUTTENBERG 1: Good morning and how are we this morning.

GUTENBERG 2: I'm good thank you. And you?

GUTTENBERG 1: I'm good also. Do you mind if we get started, I have rather a busy day today.

GUTENBERG 2: Of course not, although...

GUTTENBERG 1: Yes?

GUTTENBERG 2: Well you are kept in your cell for 23 hours a day with no visitors. So I was just wondering what you might...

GUTTENBERG 1: ...Ahh, it is going to be one of those days.

GUTTENBERG 2: One of what day's?

GUTTENBERG 1: One of those days where you assume the role of doctor.

GUTTENBERG 2: But I am your doctor. I am here to ask a few questions. One of our regular little sessions.

GUTTENBERG 1: How interesting. Is this another of your personalities? Who am I speaking with?

GUTTENBERG 2: You are speaking with your doctor. Dr Guttenberg.

GUTTENBERG 1: But I am Dr Guttenberg. And I can prove it. If you look you will see my name Guttenberg embroidered on my white coat.

GUTTENBERG 2: Yes I can see your embroidered name, all inmates have their names embroidered on their clothing for both security and laundry purposes.

GUTTENBERG 1: I see. Well listening on the other side of the metal door behind you is Carl who Is on duty today. Carl is in his early forties and he has two children and a beard. Shall I ask him to step in to confirm who I am?

GUTTENBERG 2: If you wish. Although it is in fact Sharon behind the door. She has no children and halitosis. Which might explain the no children. Shall I ask her to step in?

GUTTENBERG 1: I have another way that we can settle this.

GUTTERNBERG 2: Yes?

GUTTENBERG 1: We could ask Playfull.

GUTTENBERG 2: Excellent idea!

PLAYFULL: Hang on, no you can't do this...

GUTTENBERG 1: Why not?

PLAYFULL: Well it's braking the third wall, or fourth wall, or something, you just can't...

GUTTENBERG 2: We just did.

PLAYFULL: But you can't. I created you! You don't really exist.

GUTTENBERG 1: And how long have you been having these illusions of omnipotence?

PLAYFULL: Look I'm not having this. I'm going for a walk and when I get back...

GUTTENBERG 2: What a walk around your cell?

PLAYFULL: ...when I get back I'm going to wipe this skit.

GUTTENBERG 1: I wouldn't do that if I were you Playfull.

PLAYFULL: Why not?

GUTTENBERG 2: Well unlike the people who stopped reading this five minutes ago, we know where you live...

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playfull

  • Monday 27th March 2017, 1:11am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Tricky one as they are so different. Michael's switcheroo ending, Patricks Y M Psyche A, but it has to be Gappy's for
AMANDA: What are you like?

JACQUI: I don't remember.

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gappy

  • Monday 27th March 2017, 8:26am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Props to Michael and Patrick for good ideas, but Playfull gets my vote for a slightly meatier dish.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 27th March 2017, 5:49pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Playfull indeed.
Positive psychology is indeed bollocks. 3 nice things a day for 21 days? There are only 5 Spice Girls. So I wouldn't even get thgrough the weekend. And it'll still be Monday afterwards.