British Comedy Guide

Skitcomp 7 - 15.3.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 7th March 2017, 3:40pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Playfull
Speckled mention: Crindy

Your next subject is HOME (chosen by CRINDY).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 15.3.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Playfull

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 8th March 2017, 2:47pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT?

My best friend said Mel C's a girl next door. So I moved in with him.

The removal men caused quite a stir when they carried the bath into the van. Maybe I should've gotten out of it first.

Hooligans burnt down my house. Arson fire, and the rest of me.

I told my landlord the flat's too cold. He said go to the zoo, you can get a little 'otter.

The worst thing about moving house is all my partner's make-up, high-heeled shoes, suspenders... But if that's what he likes.

Every day someone in London moves house. He must be knackered.

The ironmonger doesn't like me. Every time he sees me he says 'I'll make a bolt for the door.'

To save money I got my house restructured - by the green-grocer. It went pear-shaped.

If you move to Stoke, beware the time difference. It's three decades behind the rest of the world.

The great thing about my new room is there's a sink in the corner, so in the morning I don't have to get to the toilet... Still got to wipe my bottom after wards though.

My father's in the back garden, he has green fingers. Well he would have, he's been dead for a year.

An Englishman's home is his castle. Especially if you're David Beckham.

I have a user-friendly lock on my toilet. Easy come, easy go.

I call the land behind my flat 'Brighton Rock'. Greene composition with a big plot.

You can get water from my garden... Well there!

Heard about the American director with fab holes in the ground? AWESOME Wells.

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gappy

  • Saturday 11th March 2017, 5:46pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

GORDON: Good morning, Buckle and Bracket, Estate Agents.

ALEC: Ah, good morning to you. My name is Alec Douglas-Home. It's pronounced Alec Douglas-Home.*

GORDON: So I gathered.

ALEC: Yes. And I'd like your help, because I wish to buy a new hose.

GORDON: A...hose?

ALEC: Yes, a hose! A hume! A building in which I might lyve.

GORDON: Oh, yes, I see. Well, that's what we're here for. What sort of hou-, err, dwelling where you looking for?

ALEC: Nothing fancy. A see my.

GORDON: Sorry, I'm not sure I caught that.

ALEC: Seemy! A seemy-detayched hose.

GORDON: Ah, yes. How many bedrooms?

ALEC: Threh. We could make do with toh, but ideally threh. And we want oaf stret payerkynge.

GORDON: OK, that sounds fine - well, obviously it doesn't sound fine, because of the...yes, so, we can help with that.

ALEC: And it must have a really big kyetcheen. I need a big kyetcheen, because I love cocking.

GORDON: Do you?

ALEC: Oh, yes, Alec Douglas-Home loves cocking. I spend a lot of time cocking. It's my main hobby, cocking - especially now it's illegall to go fux hoonting.

GORDON: Plus, I'd imagine, watching 'Allo 'Allo.

ALEC: Allow Allow? I'm not sure I've ever heard of Ayeloo Oolah. No, hang on, someone did tell me about that. Isn't there a man with a funny accent?

GORDON: Yes.

ALEC: I love that, it's so funny. Some people don't know how silly their voices are. Like Dyke Van Dick. In Marry Poopines.

GORDON: Good. Anyway, if you come in later, I can give you some details of hous- accommodation we have on the market.

ALEC: Capital. And, is there still that hardware store next door?

GORDON: Err, yes.

ALEC: Perfect! I need to buy four canedeels. I just hope there's no mix-up...

*His name was pronounced Douglas-Hume. You probably knew that, but if you didn't, it's sort of the crux of the joke, thin though it might be.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 12th March 2017, 11:23pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 125 posts

What did the Beaver say when he hit his thumb with a hammer while fixing his house?

He said :"Shit it, I've whacked my thumb with a bastard f**king hammer!"

I think he should have said "Damn".

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Crindy

  • Wednesday 15th March 2017, 12:42pm
  • England
  • 116 posts

INT. TINY FLAT - DAY

An ESTATE AGENT shows a young MAN and WOMAN around a poky little flat.

MAN
I'm beginning to think we'll never find anywhere.

AGENT
I wouldn't say that, we've already seen some excellent properties.

WOMAN
That last place was a garage!

AGENT
Former garage. And anyway, this is the place for you. Just inside your price range, ideally located, good transport links, I'm getting a really good feeling here.

MAN
How is it ideally located? It's above a kebab shop slash charity shop slash internet cafe.

AGENT
Close to local amenities. High speed internet available.

WOMAN
And good transport links? It was a half-hour walk from the train station!

AGENT
Which is a lot more convenient than a 45 minute walk.

MAN
There was a tramp in the back garden when we arrived!

AGENT
Friendly locals. Remember how he offered you some of that leftover kebab he found? Anyway, that's all part of living in London.

WOMAN
We're in Luton!

AGENT
Which, legally speaking, is now London. Check the airport if you don't believe me.

MAN
Also, this place is really small.

AGENT
It's cosy. Compact. Very homely. Everything within arm's reach.

WOMAN
Where's the bathroom?

AGENT
Ah, well this particular flat comes with a kitchen-bathroom fusion area.

MAN
A what?

AGENT
There's a power shower above the sink, and the toilet's in the cupboard by the washing machine.

WOMAN
That sounds very unhygienic.

MAN
Nah, it's perfect. Haven't we all wished we could load a boil wash from the comfort of our own toilet? It's all about multi-tasking, very 21st century. Like how you'll be able to draw the curtains in the living room from the comfort of your own bed.

WOMAN
The bed's in the living room?!

AGENT
No, it's in the living-sleeping fusion area.

MAN
No, I'm sorry, we can't take this. We've got our dignity.

WOMAN
Isn't there anything else in our price range?

AGENT
Well, there's a unique development opportunity on the other side of town that's just come onto the market. Exposed brickwork, open plan layout--

MAN
Is it another garage?

AGENT
Yes, but this one's south-facing.

MAN/WOMAN
We'll take it!

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playfull

  • Wednesday 15th March 2017, 11:21pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,693 posts

PREDATOR: I'm Home! Where are you?

ALIEN: I'm in the kitchen.

PREDATOR: Hello darling, had a nice day?

ALIEN: About time, where have you been? And don't put those skulls on the table.

PREDATOR: Well where should I put them? And where are the bodies I left hanging from the ceiling?

ALIEN: I moved them into the spare room. They were dripping blood and spinal fluid all over the kitchen floor.

PREDATOR: Oh! I can't have my trophies hanging from the kitchen ceiling but you can have the milkman and the postman glued to the wall. Is that the man from the flat upstairs?

ALIEN: Yes, he came down to complain about all the screaming.

PREDATOR: So you glued him to the wall?

ALIEN: I had to, it was his wife doing the screaming.

PREDATOR: How many times have I told you - don't attack the neighbours.

ALIEN: Well it wasn't me who hung his wife from the kitchen ceiling was it.

PREDATOR: Oh right. Well I suppose we had better look for a new place...

ALIEN: Somewhere with a nursery?

PREDATOR: Somewhere a bit quiet....wait, a nursery?

ALIEN: Yes, we are expecting!

PREDATOR: You mean you are pregnant?

ALIEN: Well technically it's you that's pregnant.

PREDATOR: I thought you were the female?

ALIEN: It's complicated...

PREDATOR: Oh great! I should have listened to my mother. "Don't marry a genetically engineered bio weapon" she said. "Stick to your own species" she said. Hang on is this to do with that thing you shoved down my throat the other night!?

ALIEN: You said you enjoyed it.

PREDATOR: That was before I realized you had impregnated me with a penis shaped monster that would burst out of my chest!

ALIEN: It's not a monster! It has a name!

PREDATOR: Go on then what is it's name?

ALIEN: (Pause) Alien...

PREDATOR: Brilliant! How original.

ALIEN: So says Predator, son of Predator and Predator. What are you doing with that thing on your wrist?

PREDATOR: You'll see.

ALIEN: Oh go on then, blow the bloody neighbourhood up! That's your answer to everything isn't it.

PREDATOR: That's it 10 second left. Any last words?

ALIEN: I could never stand your dreadlocks, they are so seventies! Wow that feels so good to say it! You got anything to say?

PREDATOR: You couldn't do that throat thing again could you...

BOOM!

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gappy

  • Thursday 16th March 2017, 8:17am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

P-P-P-P-P-P-Playful.

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playfull

  • Thursday 16th March 2017, 9:28am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,693 posts

All good stuff. Liked Michaels set. Gappy's very nice two Ronnies homage. Patrick's foul mouthed Beaver and Crindy's pitch for a new channel four tea time show. But it has to be Patrick's perfectly formed Beaver!

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Crindy

  • Thursday 16th March 2017, 11:10am
  • England
  • 116 posts

playfull takes my vote. Really enjoyed that. :D

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Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 16th March 2017, 11:41pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 125 posts

Really enjoyed Alien versus Predator sitcom: playful.