In Leeds With The Devil

Evening, all. Unless it;s not evening where you are. Or when you are. But, rest assured, it shall be again if you sit tight.

Anyway, here's a script for a sit com I've written, and I'd be fascinated to hear any comments you guys had. I appreciate a whole script is a lot to read, so I quite understand if nobody does, fear not.

It's set in an arcane supplies shop (like the magic shop on Buffy, but with new age replaced by black metal. And no actual magic and demons and all that stuff).

I set myself the challenge of writing a scipt with one simple location and only 4 characters; I was going to keep it down to 15 minutes too, but I found the plot kept falling over itself, so I rewrote to be roughly Channel 4 length. Despite this apparent simplicity I have still managed to write something that is far beyond my means to ever stage Laughing out loud.

There are lots of bits I like, and a couple of things that leap out at me as failings, but if you have ay thoughts I'd be delighted. And, yes, I embrace "shit, mate" as much as anything else, all responses give the illusion of companionship. Hug

It's in pdf here: https://www.scribd.com/document/339844462/ILWTD-1f-Formatted

Hello,
I had a quick read because I couldn't sleep.
Firstly, it's very funny. You have talent, no doubt about it.
Perry's lines in particular are brilliant especially the board game themed ones.
It does seem very similar to Black Books, in fact I kept picturing Dylan Moran, Bill Bailey and Tamsin Greig as the 3 main characters. It's testament to you that it stands up in comparison with Black Books.
However, I think Gareth could be funnier/ crazier/ crueller.... Considering he is the owner of the shop, I would've thought he would be the main character and have the lion's share of the laughs, however most of the time he is the straight man to Perry and Alice.
Also more could be made of the Satanic setting, for example something like an incompetent Satanist character. He could be constantly trying to lure Perry to be sacrificed (as Perry is revealed as a virgin) by surreptitiously trying to draw pentagrams on him, anoint him in oil etc
I think you build the plots well but the resolution seems a bit off. The final scene could be funnier too.
These are minor gripes, compared to how good this is in general. It is the best thing I have read on these Forums so far.

Thansk so much - not just for the kind words, but for making the effort to read it all, and offer such well though out comment. Greatly appreciated. I hope, if nothing else, it cured your insomnia ;)

Interesting you thought of Black Books, that never crossed my mind. When I was writing it I realised it had a bit of a Linehan feel, but it was IT Crowd that hovered at the back of my consciousness.

Your other comments have provided some food for thought, I'll maybe come back to you after I've pondered.

Cheers, once again.

Ignoring the fact that I am called Perry...

You are obviously capable of writing a sitcom - the dialogue worked and the characters were distinct. I really liked the lines -
"Yes, but it really disrupted his eulogy"
And "How wide is your head?"
I think you need a few more killers like those.
However I have to agree with Mahatma, with the setup it is hard not think of Black Books. I know this is unfair because both Miranda & Bull were also set in shops (as was the Rebel - in part at least) and the characters are very different, but in my mind it is essentially the same set and two males and one female combo...

I did think the last third did not flow as well as the first part and the diving suit did not really work for me.

Two other small points -
Will every scene be in the shop? A little change might be good.
And will Perry be in the shop for every scene? A little change might be good...

Overall very good and well worth honing.

And now the bit where I say "I did have a thought".......and you politely reply "yes, that's interesting, I'll think about fitting that in".....before sensibly ignoring it.

I thought you could have Gareth being very anti Harry Potter and being very pissed off that that is all people are asking for.

GARETH ON PHONE: "No we don't sell Horcruxes, you do know that's not a real thing don't you."

THREE TEENAGERS WALK INTO THE SHOP. GARETH WITHOUT LOOKING UP: "No we don't have any Griffendor scarves". THEY TURN AND LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING A WORD"

You get the idea, I'm sure you could make it funnier than me.

Sorry this has come out more like random thoughts than proper critique, but well done and I look forward to seeing you develop it.

As always feel free to ignore as WTFDIK.

Awesome, thanks, Perry (there's absolutely no reason why the character is called Perry, BTW).

You've both sort of hit on some areas I was aware of already, but good to have it reinforced. I'll probably do a little post-mortem comment over the weekend, addressing some of the things that have been raised, but really quickly for now:

1) I decided to write all in one location and with a reduced number of characters just as a challenge to set myself (and with the idea of performing it live at the back of my mind, although obviously that becomes challenging, to say the least, half way through), but there's no reason why every episode would follow that rule.

2) I love the Potter idea, that's great. If I ever do more with this, consider it nicked ;)

Hi Gappy,
Sorry for the late reply and you may not be interested now but i thought id try and help anyway as you have done the same for me in the past.
I really like the jokes such as the cluedo joke and the eulogy joke, and i dont mind the same setting for an entire episode as long as its just for the pilot for example but I agree with the others that you should consider some other places e.g. a wholesaler nearby with a creepy guy who speaks in riddles or philisophically and freaks everyone out (not the best idea I know but still just counts as an idea... just)

I'd also think about making Gareth and Alice very cynical towards each other in the episode where in the end, just to win the bet, they cause each other to lose a substantial amount of money as that could lead to a better finale.

Sorry if this sounds too critical but I did really enjoy it and it's better than my sitcom so well done (he says enviously)

P.S Did you set it in Leeds just for the pun of the title... because its a great title for a sitcom!

Quote: Dave C @ 27th February 2017, 10:47 PM

Hi Gappy,
Sorry for the late reply and you may not be interested now but i thought id try and help anyway as you have done the same for me in the past.
I really like the jokes such as the cluedo joke and the eulogy joke, and i dont mind the same setting for an entire episode as long as its just for the pilot for example but I agree with the others that you should consider some other places e.g. a wholesaler nearby with a creepy guy who speaks in riddles or philisophically and freaks everyone out (not the best idea I know but still just counts as an idea... just)

I'd also think about making Gareth and Alice very cynical towards each other in the episode where in the end, just to win the bet, they cause each other to lose a substantial amount of money as that could lead to a better finale.

Sorry if this sounds too critical but I did really enjoy it and it's better than my sitcom so well done (he says enviously)

P.S Did you set it in Leeds just for the pun of the title... because its a great title for a sitcom!

Thanks, Dave, greatly appreciated, you've all given me ideas to work with. I'm sure, were I to write more, the setting would vary, definitely. Yes, it's just set in Leeds* because of the pun, I have never been to Leeds.:D

*Sorry, Batley.

Evening, all. Happy new year!

Anyway, something reminded me of this sit com earlier, so I thought, just for the hell of it, I'd share the other script I wrote. If you're interested, have a read, but I won't mind if not.

I set myself the task of writing a 15 min 1 scene sit com. Not too far through the first draft of this script I realised I liked it, but it wasn't really suitable fior a pilot episode type affair - the 2 main characters spend too much time apart, and the plot mostly happens *to* them rather than springing from their characters. But, as it was flowing freely, I just airlifted the introductory scene to a new script, and finished this one.

To be honest, I think this is much better than the other script. Maybe I'll try to write another, or at least rewrite the last 30% of the other script in 2019, I've not touched it since I posted it nearly 2 years ago

So, let's be honest, probably not.

www.scribd.com/document/396627892/ILWTD-2b

Oh, it's not formatted to industry standards, either, but is perfectly readable. Or, at least, if it;s not, that's entirely to do with the words, not the layout :)

Cannot sleep and spotted this. I enjoyed it..impressive the work you have put in to it. Some really funny moments and ideas.
I am too tired to give more detailed feedback. Apologies. I am a novice but it seems to me that you have talent. Good luck.

Thanks for reading, BTF, glad you liked it. I hope I kept an insomniac amused for a brief while, I know what that curse is like.

Quote: gappy @ 2nd January 2019, 10:43 AM

Thanks for reading, BTF, glad you liked it. I hope I kept an insomniac amused for a brief while, I know what that curse is like.

Sleepy

'Lo gappy,

I remember you providing me with some very useful feedback on one of my scripts last year, so let me try to repay the favour by providing some very useful* feedback of my own.

* extent of usefulness exaggerated for dramatic effect.

So:

- It's a good read. To put it bluntly. Plenty of decent gags, a clear plot, and a well-constructed pay-off with the painting. Though I'm not quite sure how well that particular bit would translate onto screen, there's a lot of words to read in the original baffling block of text. I know that worrying about how things will work 'on screen' isn't really much of an issue at this stage, but I think there might be a more succinct, snappier way to work that bit.

- There's a few issues with your main characters being passive, which you already alluded to I think. A lot of the time Alice and Gareth are just standing around watching events escalate around them, rather than actively getting involved in the plot, which runs the risk of making the main characters seem less interesting than (what I assume are) the one-off guests. But then, it's only 11 pages and there's a lot of stuff to get through, so I can understand that to some extent. If you were looking at re-drafting this as a full half-hour episode, there's plenty of room to focus on getting them more involved, presumably by ramping up the competitiveness between them over their two clashing events, both wanting their night to be a success that saves the shop, or wins them some sort of wacky sitcom bet, or whatever.

- Minor nitpick, but the Laurence/Lawrence names of two of the teenagers made it a confusing read in places. I thought there might be some sort of pay-off coming up about them having the same name, but they're never referred to by name in the actual dialogue, so I'd consider making the names a bit easier to differentiate, especially as all the teenagers sound quite similar anyway. (This feedback courtesy of some advice I was once given to try and make character names as 'unique' as possible, both in length and sound, to make a script easier to read - stemming from a 'bit' in an old pilot of mine involving a guy named Lindsey and a girl named Lindsay which was nowhere near strong enough to justify making the scene so confusing to read on the page!).

- You've already mentioned the formatting, so I won't dwell on this, but some action lines might help this out, especially in establishing the sort of shop this is. It took me ages to really picture where we were and who the characters were based off the dialogue, so once I figured it out I had to go back and re-read what was happening in the context of a weird occult supply shop, and then things became a lot funnier. Until that point they could just as easily have been in a Londis. Which was less funny. Although, as a side note, I'd love to see a sitcom set in a Londis.

Blah. Lots of words. Sorry. But overall, there's a lot I like about this idea. I can see the potential in the setting, I'd just want to see a bit more from the main characters if/when you decide to push on with another draft. :)

Hope some of this helps. Important disclaimer: This was all the opinion of someone with zero paid writing credits who doesn't really know what he's talking about. As such, these are opinions, not facts, and the feedback provider accepts no responsibility should you blindly take his comments as gospel advice and end up with a fundamentally weaker draft for your efforts.

Cheers Crindy

The fundamental issue about a lack of agency is key. No getting round that. I realised this in no time at all, but decided to carry on and finish this script, because I was enjoying it. This is also why it doesn't do anything to set up the relationships and the shop type and all that, because that made it to the "proper" pilot, that I shared upthread back in 2017. Though, for all the faults I prefer this script to the other.

Really good point about being able to "parse" the ripped poster. I'm not very good at visual stuff, I only ever write audio scripts, so I would never have thought of that. This why I set myself very strict and simple rules for these scripts (which makes them a bit limited, as others have noted above).

The Laurence variations was just to amuse myself, but I regret it now, you are right to point that out.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I have enjoyed rereading these yesterday, so might try to find time to play a bit more with them.