British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 20 - 28.2.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 20th February 2017, 2:09pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to CRINDY for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Crindy
2 - 5 - Gappy, me

Your next subject is WISDOM (chosen by GAPPY).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 28.2.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Gappy
2 - 35 - Frankie
3 - 25 - Otterfox
4 - 20 - Playfull, me
5 - 10 - Crindy
6 - 5 - Carlos Manwelly, Crindy

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 26th February 2017, 11:14am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

If Stephen Hawking manages to wank, is it a stroke of genius?

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Crindy

  • Monday 27th February 2017, 11:47am
  • England
  • 116 posts

INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY

Two MARKETING EXECS sit opposite a kindly old businessman (ADDIS).

EXEC 1
Ok, Mr Addis, we've finalised our proposal for your company's rebranding. I think you'll be pretty pleased with the results.

ADDIS
Well, I'm not sure we really need rebranding. Wisdom Toothbrushes is a household name with over 235 years of history.

EXEC 2
And you wanna know why your sales are dropping? It's that name.

ADDIS
Wisdom?

EXEC 1
Exactly! 'Wisdom'! Do you have any idea how elitist that sounds?

EXEC 2
Mr Addis, in today's climate, the average consumer doesn't like to feel belittled. Especially by oral hygiene products.

EXEC 1
Exactly. They've been told to distrust anything that might appear informed or intelligent.

EXEC 2
Yes, people don't want to feel like their toothpaste is more intelligent than they are. Even though, in a lot of cases, that may well be true.

ADDIS
But what about our history? My great great great grandfather William Addis chose that name when he mass produced the prototype tooth cleaning device he invented from a tube of glue and some leftover bristles!

EXEC 1
Is that all true?

ADDIS
Of course it is! It's on Wikipedia!

EXEC 2
Mr Addis, we don't have time to fact-check all the details of this little conversation via Wikipedia.

EXEC 1
And anyway, from now on, your company will be known as...Reem.

ADDIS
What?

EXEC 2
No, Reem. Reem Toothpaste.

ADDIS
Is that...even a word?

EXEC 1
Absolutely. It's a popular slang term that means 'really good'.

ADDIS
Does it?

EXEC 2
Of course it does! It's on Urban Dictionary!

EXEC 1
Now, your new ad campaign. Picture this: Joey Essex--

ADDIS
I can't picture that. I don't know who that is.

EXEC 2
He's basically this generation's Lord Robert Winston.

EXEC 1
Ok, so picture Joey, surrounded by hot women.

EXEC 2
We're talking proper stunners.

EXEC 1
All in bikinis.

EXEC 2
Obviously. And in the middle, there's Joey, and these stunners are literally throwing themselves at him. And there's his winning smile, cue winning voiceover...

EXEC 1
"Reem Toothpaste: Gets you hella laid and that."

EXEC 2
And next to that, a line of suggestive emojis depicting the dirtiest sex act we can get past the Advertising Standards Agency.

ADDIS
Is that even in English? That all sounds awful!

EXEC 1
Trust us. It's a winner. People will lap it up.

ADDIS
But what's wrong with promoting good oral hygiene? Talking about the health benefits of regular brushing?

EXEC 2
Boring. You're boring me.

EXEC 1
Also, that sounds like science to me. People don't want science these days, Mr Addis. Science is the enemy.

ADDIS
But just last week, the Department of Health issued new guidelines--

EXEC 2
Stop! No no no! People definitely don't want the government's opinion on anything!

EXEC 1
Although, is there any way we can get those guidelines re-written by Philip Schofield? People might listen then.

ADDIS
Does he work for the Department of Health?

EXEC 2
It's only a matter of time.

ADDIS
No! I'm sorry, this is not what I imagined at all!

EXEC 1
Ok, we hear you, Mr Addis. Maybe tell us what you were thinking?

ADDIS
Well, I thought we could focus more on the contradictory advice people have been getting about brushing their teeth. I think sometimes people can feel lost, out of control even--

EXEC 2
Ok. Wow. Wait. Got it. How about: "Reem Toothpaste: Take Back Control"!

EXEC 1
That's the one.

ADDIS
Mmm. I could see that working.

EXEC 2
Brilliant! That's settled! Thank you for your time Mr Addis, now if you'll excuse us, we've got a meeting with the CEO of Tampax.

EXEC 1
Or as they'll now be known, Vajazzle Empowerers.

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gappy

  • Monday 27th February 2017, 7:59pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

SOLOMON: I have considered your dispute, hear you now my verdict. I decree that you must both grasp the babe, and when it is cut in twain by my blade, you may retain half each.

1: What are you talking about?

SOLOMON: You object, subject?

1: Yes. There isn't a baby.

SOLOMON: Hmmm?

2: In our case. There's no bay anywhere in our case.

SOLOMON: Oh. I admit, I wasn't really listening, but...so, what was your thing about?

2: Whether this guy was allowed to put a fence up on my land.

1: It's my land!

SOLOMON: I see. So...hear you this well! Hear this well, y- You this hea- Listen to me. You both grab hold of the fence, and I'll smack it with my sword - or a hammer, whichever works better - and you can have half each.

1: Sounds good.

2: No! Because, at the end of that, the fence will end up broken. And that's what he wants.

SOLOMON: Aha! Then, my friend, I can see it must be your fence.

2: I know it's my fence! That's the basis of this entire discussion. We've been here an hour.

SOLOMON: I see. And, just to check, neither of you have a baby?

1: No.

SOLOMON: Right. Well, actually, I have one here for just this sort of occasion, so, if you'll both grab one end -

2: No!

1: This is your answer to everything, Solomon: slice up a baby.

SOLOMON: I am your wise ruler!

2: If you're so wise, then, come up with a solution to our problem that doesn't involve eviscerating a neonate.

SOLOMON: What, no child-slitting at all?

1: No! Come up with a fair judgement for our contention where no babies are severed.

SOLOMON: Ah. That's a tough one. Ooooh. I guess we could...toss for it?

1: I suppose.

2: Best we've got.

SOLOMON: Excellent. Solomon! Back on the wisdom horse! Or camel. Whichever we would use the most. Right: call.

1: Heads!

SOLOMON: Okey-doke, here we go.

SFX: BEAT, THEN HORRIBLE FLESHY SQUELCH

[BEAT OF STUNNED SILENCE]

SOLOMON: Ah, you were thinking I'd use a coin. Yes, yes, I see that now.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 28th February 2017, 9:56pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

SPICER: Hello Mr President.

TRUMP: Oh, hi Sphincter.

SPICER: That's Spicer Mr President.

TRUMP: I know but Sphincter is funnier. I made that up you know. It's a great joke...really great.

SPICER: I know Mr President you keep saying.

TRUMP: I bet no one has ever made that joke about your name before?

SPICER: No Mr President. I have never heard that before. Did you know Trump means fart in the UK?

TRUMP: That is fake news Sphincter!

SPICER: No it's true Mr President. The guy from the BBC ...

TRUMP: ...The failing BBC!

SPICER: ... the failing BBC told me. The two words are completely interchangeable
. TRUMP: That's sad. That makes me sad. Is that real though?

SPICER: Yes it's a thing. Just like the old English saying "thank god he's of Scottish decent."

TRUMP: Is that a real old English saying?

SPICER: It is now Mr President. I have the assistant who is loading your address to the press corps onto the teleprompter outside. He would like to clarify something in your address .

TRUMP: My address. It's great you know, really great.

SPICER: I'll ask him to step in.

YOUNG ASSISTANT STEPS IN.

TRUMP: Hi son. Great speech I wrote eh?

ASSISTANT: Yes Mr President great. I just have a question about the second paragraph?

TRUMP: What about it son?

ASSISTANT: Well, there isn't one.

TRUMP: I know it's a great speech though isn't it?

ASSISTANT: Er, yes Mr President but you are scheduled to speak for 90 minutes. I timed the first - well the only - paragraph at 2minutes 15 seconds.

TRUMP: Oh I see, well I have to allow pauses for all the applause.

ASSISTANT: That would explain the big gaps between the words. Here you have the word 'Great' repeated six times with big gaps between, and you also keep saying Hillary?

TRUMP: You got 40 minutes right there kid. It's gold, solid gold. When you are as great at speechifying as l am it's second nature.

ASSISTANT: Speechifying...that brings me to my next point - here on line two. You talk about 'wisdoming'.

TRUMP: 'Wisdoming' yes.

ASSISTANT: I'm pretty sure that's not a word.

TRUMP: Sure it is, it's a great word. It sum's me up perfectly.

ASSISTANT: I'm sure it does. But it's not a word. You can't do wisdoming.

TRUMP: I've always had great wisdom. I'm just applying it now I'm President. I'm wisdoming problems away.

ASSISTANT: You can have 'wisdom' sir but you can't go 'wisdoming.'

TRUMP: So if you have a horse you can't go 'riding'??

ASSISTANT: It's also what you have been wisdoming about...

TRUMP: Remind me. I'm sure It'll be brilliant.

ASSISTANT: Well you say you can build the wall for 20% of the original cost and in a third of the time.

TRUMP: I know, it is brilliant. It is going to be beautiful.

ASSISTANT: You say here that the Mexicans are small so you only need make the wall 4' high.

TRUMP: That is soooo smart. We can save a fortune. But that is not the brilliantest wisdoming.

ASSISTANT: No, I'm guessing that would be the signs?

TRUMP: Yes! Signs placed every 100 yds along the wall 40 ft into Mexico. Saying one mile to the wall! In Mexican! They will think it is a hundred feet tall! Wisdoming kid, the application of great wisdom! Any more questions?

ASSISTANT: No Mr President. It all sounds ...great. Will Mr Spicer be making the address?

TRUMP: No old Sphincter thought it better if I talk direct to the journos myself. They love me you know, really love me.

SPICER: I'll just go and announce you Mr President Fart...sorry Trump.

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gappy

  • Wednesday 1st March 2017, 10:38am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

I think it's Playfull's trick wall signs that gets my vote this week.

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playfull

  • Wednesday 1st March 2017, 2:08pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

I liked Crindy's
"I can't picture that. I don't know who that is."

but it has to be Gappy for me - i did not see that ending coming...

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Nick81

  • Wednesday 1st March 2017, 4:03pm
  • Preston, England
  • 358 posts

Gapster.

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gappy

  • Wednesday 1st March 2017, 6:41pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: playfull @ 1st March 2017, 2:08 PM

I liked Crindy's
"I can't picture that. I don't know who that is."

That line nearly swung my vote, I must admit.

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Crindy

  • Thursday 2nd March 2017, 11:08am
  • England
  • 116 posts

gappy for me. :)

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 5th March 2017, 8:41am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

(Whoops missed the deadline but wanted to share........)
Confucius sayings: a first draft:
"I hear and I forget
I see and I remember
I do and I understand
I wee and I whistle".