British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 2 - 10.11.16

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 2nd November 2016, 3:35pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Frankie Rage
Speckled mentions: Nick

Your next subject is NIGHT.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 10.11.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Frankie Rage

Avatar

gappy

  • Sunday 6th November 2016, 5:27pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

SCHEREZADE: And I have heard, O fortunate ruler, that the genie then turned to the trader's third son and said also to him, "if you can draw back your bowstring and loose an arrow into the eye of a single locust, I shall spare your father's life". Ah, but, my lord, it is daybreak.

KING: Right.

SCHEREZADE: I could, perhaps, continue the tale tomorrow.

KING: Ermm....no, you're alright, I'll kill you now, thanks.

SCHEREZADE: But, do you not wish to learn what happens next in the story? I have left it at an exciting point in the narrative, so that you feel you were holding on to the edge of a precipice - it a technique I have named the eyrie-dangler.

KING: Like a nudist ghost?

SCHEREZADE: No, eyrie like an eagle's clifftop home. Your statement was strange - especially so in Arabic, which is what we are talking.

KING: Right. Well, I'll kill you anyway.

SCHEREZADE: Wait! Do you not hunger for resolution? Have I not enticed you to spare my life and return tomorrow to discover the conclusion?

KING: Nope.

SCHEREZADE: Oh. It's just, I was given to understand the eyrie-dangler was a good way to ensure listeners return to a story.

KING: Yeah, once maybe. In my grandad's day, may Allah soothe his bones. But things have changed now. I have loads of condemned floosies I could ask for stories, too many to choose from, to be honest. Plus, I don't have to wait until the same time each night to catch up on my tales, I can catch up on demand.

SCHEREZADE: What's that?

KING: I just demand people tell me things. Seems to work, I am king. You're doing it all wrong, you see. Don't keep me guessing what will happen tomorrow - tell me.

SCHEREZADE: Tell you?

KING: Yes. I f you want me to come round and not kill you tomorrow, tell me what will happen, and then I'll be interested to hear it.

SCHEREZADE: That's mental.

KING: I know. But it's still true. So, do it.

SCHEREZADE: Right...errr...next time, on, err, talking to the king all night so I don't get beheaded, this happens. The 3rd son tricks the genie and is alright.

KING: Yes. OK, that wasn't bad. But do a little tune before it.

SCHEREZADE: What sort of tune?

KING: A short one. Nice and exciting. Mostly drums. Like [Sings a little dramatic sting] Ba ba baa ba ba ba baa!

SCHEREZADE: Alright, so [Sings same theme, in a lilting, courtly fashion].

KIING: Drummier!

SCHEREZADE: [Sings it, err, drummier] Next time, the son gets away with it and...stuff.

KING: Great. Now, do it so you don't actually tell me what happens, but you just say a few sentences that actually completely tell me after all. With some more tune in the middle.

SCHEREZADE: Next time [Sings the tune] [Deep voice for son] Oh, will I get away with it? [Reedy voice for genie] I hope you don't do a trick and trick me. [Sings the tune, then deep son voice] Yay, I did a trick and got away with it. [Funny 3rd voice] Pistacchio, boss? [Lots of laughter, in all 3 voices].

KING: Yes! Yes! Exactly that! Now I know what happens tomorrow, I want to hear what happens tomorrow, but at greater length - and with breaks where you could try to sell me pomegranates and sandals. So, do it again, but do it really properly, so you tell me all the things in tomorrow's story, including the bits after the trick.

SCHEREZADE: But...but I don't know what they are yet. I need to make them up tomorrow.

KING: Pah, rubbish! I could make up a million great things right now. Beheading time for you, love. Oh, or wait - how about I could decide what happens next? Like, maybe me and all my mates could let you know what happens, possibly through a voting system organised by the people who sell the pomegranates? Yes, let's do that.

SCHEREZADE: Huh, I'd rather die.

KING: Yeah, it is a bit Fortieth Year Of The Blooded Crescent, isn't it? So, looks like we're back to you showing your boobs

SCHEREZADE: Meh, what are you going to do? It gets the audiences.

Avatar

Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Monday 7th November 2016, 1:32pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

INT. NIGHT. THREE MEN IN A DIMLY LIT KITCHEN.

DANNY:
What shall we do tonight?

DAVE:
What's on the menu?

MART:
Is there a dessert?

DANNY:
We could play cards .. again..

DAVE:
It's too dark, I can't tell the diamonds from the hearts, I can't even see the spades and clubs..

MART:
Well, it stays dark until we've used all those 20 Watt bulbs Danny bought from the pound shop. Bargain that was..

DANNY:
I got another bargain today..

DAVE:
I've been thinking.. if the World was made transparent then there'd never be any dark!

MART:
That's true ..and granny wouldn't need to visit Australia to see the grandkids, she'd just be able to look down..

DANNY:
She can't look down she's got Impetigo..

MART:
Don't you mean vertigo?

DANNY:
No, Impetigo ..she get's it on her face and if she looks down the pus goes just everywhere..

DAVE:
Wasn't that why they took the kids to Australia?

DANNY:
No, that was the farting..

DAVE:
Ah, yeah, that's right.. anyway the World isn't transparent and it's getting darker by the minute..

MART:
So...

DAVE:
Let's go to the pub!

MART:
With what, they don't take Monopoly money!

DANNY:
Maybe we could get credit!

MART:
What, in the 'Sheep Shagger's Piles'? ..the landlord would skin you alive for just arksking!

DAVE:
Maybe one of the regulars would buy us a round..

MART:
Ha! No one's ever bought a round in that pub. They eek out the price of a half in small change.. about once every two hours..

DANNY:
Cinema!

DAVE: No dosh, same problem!

DANNY:
We could sneak in the exit when someone comes out..

MART:
When you do that you know it's always the security guy coming out, he chased us for half a mile last time..

DANNY:
We could read a book..

THERE IS A PING AS THE LIGHT BULB FAILS AND THE KITCHEN IS NOW PITCH BLACK.

DAVE:
Not now we can't..

MART:
And that was the last of Danny's bulbs..

DANNY:
Bed then..

DAVE:
Well then.. G'night Danny..

DANNY:
G'night Mart.. G'night Dave..

DAVE:
G'night Mart..

MART:
Aw come on, now..

HISSING SOUND.

DAVE:
..what's that, can't be a gas leak, we're cut off..

DANNY:
It could be the snakes.. I told you I got another bargain, pet shop had a sale on, venomous Adders a pound each or four for a fiver..

RUSTLING SOUND & CLICK.

DAVE:
Wh- what's that..

MART:
'Razzle' by torchlight..

Avatar

Mighty Joe Middle Aged

  • Wednesday 9th November 2016, 3:40am
  • United Kingdom
  • 5 posts

The Case of The Complete And Utter Darkness

Holmes : Watson!

Watson : Yes Holmes?

Holmes : Have you noticed something?

Watson : I can't notice anything at the moment it's completely dark

Holmes : EXACTLY!

Watson : I don't understand Holmes

Holmes : Do you know what time it is Watson?

Watson : No I don't I can't see my pocket watch

Holmes : All right ... well for the sake of observation I shall light a match [lights match] and smoke my pipe

Watson : Good lord!

Holmes : [blows out match] What?

Watson : Oh it doesn't matter

Holmes : Everything matters in an investigation Watson ... what was it that made you exclaim in such a fashion

Watson : I thought I saw something that's all

Holmes : Where?

Watson : Over there

Holmes : I can't see where you're pointing my good friend. Let me light another [lights match]

Watson : Good lord!

Holmes : What is it Watson, what is it?

Watson : The house is on fire!

Holmes : I very much doubt that Watson ... we'd be able to see the flames

Watson : Oh no ... it's a picture

Holmes : Yes I bought that painting from an extraordinary gentleman who has a little studio off Regents street. He paints with nothing but his own bodily excretions

Watson : Eww is that ...?

Holmes : Don't touch it it's not quite dry yet [match burns his fingers and fizzles out] OW ow ow!! I shall light another match Watson

Watson : Wouldn't it be easier to just light a candle Holmes?

Holmes : We haven't got any left

Watson : What?

Holmes : I haven't been able to afford any since I bought the painting

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 9th November 2016, 10:28am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

What happens when you leave your kid overnight with a deranged pop star? Mike'll jack son. (Sorry if that's too topical.)

Avatar

SSTT

  • Thursday 10th November 2016, 11:34am [Edited]
  • Southampton, England
  • 1,548 posts

CREATURE OF THE NIGHT MR. PRESIDENT-ELECT IS VISITING A DEPARTMENT STORE IN LONDON. HE DECIDES TO TRY ON A GARMENT AND LOOKS FOR ASSISTANCE.

MISS BRAHMS
Watch out for your pussy, Mrs. Slocombe!

THE WOMEN OF THE DEPARTMENT STORE LOOK DOWN IN FEAR, SHOCK AND HORROR. THE MEN DO NOTHING.

FADE.

Avatar

Otterfox

  • Friday 11th November 2016, 12:51am
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

TITLE: TWO ROOMS.
INT. SHED. - DAY.
EMILY, THE RECEPTIONIST ADDRESSES HER CUSTOMER GEOFF.

EMILY:???Good afternoon sir and how can I help you today?

GEOFF:? Hi, I'd like to book two rooms.

EMILY:??Alright sir. I'll just see if there's anything available. What's the name?

GEOFF:???Clonkers. Geoff Clonkers. I want two rooms.

EMILY:? Yes, I'm checking this for you now.

GEOFF:?You don't understand. I want two rooms. One in this shed and the other in that boutique shed at the end of the terraced garden.

EMILY: ? Sir I cannot book you into another shed. I will do my best to accommodate you for the nights you wish to stay here but you will have to contact the other shed for the nights you wish to stay there.

GEOFF:??Unbelievable! What kind of a service do you call this?! Alright, alright I'll take the two rooms here then.

EMILY:???Okay and how many guests are staying?

GEOFF:??What!? Are you for real? Are you from reality? Do I look like an old married couple? Or perhaps I'm a group of girls on a school tour. The last time I checked there was only person getting annoyed at how long this is taking.

FX: ?DISGRUNTLED MURMURINGS FROM OTHER CUSTOMERS.

EMILY:??Apologies. I must have misunderstood. You're booking different rooms for different nights.

GEOFF: How is that even possible?

EMILY: Easy actually, it's-

GEOFF:? I didn't interrupt you.

EMILY: I believe you just di-

GEOFF:??Please let me finish! Same night, same night, same night. The night of the same.

EMILY:???You're looking for two rooms for one night?

GEOFF: Europa! She has it! And I want them side by side and none of this opposite ends of the shed nonsense. I can't stretch that far.

FX: EMILY TYPES. GEOFF STRUMS HIS FINGERS ON THE BENCH IMPATIENTLY.

GEOFF: (CONT'D) Can you hurry up, I'm very
annoying....oooohhhhh!!! What's wrong with you? You shouldn't be using your thumb on the enter key. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

EMILY: (ANNOYED)?First off the word isn't 'europa' it's 'eureka'. Secondly we're completely booked out. You can't just show up at the height of lawn-cutting season and expect to get a room.

GEOFF: Two rooms.

EMILY: ...Expect to get two rooms.

GEOFF:??Final offer I'll just take one then.

EMILY: ??We have none.

LONG BEAT.

GEOFF:??I'll take it.

Avatar

gappy

  • Friday 11th November 2016, 10:47am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

Fun week. Probably the Otter for me, but with a special mention in dispatches for Mighty Joe.

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 11th November 2016, 11:54am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

Awesome but Otterfox. (I meant awesome but I'm voting OF, not aweswome except Otterfox.)

Avatar

Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Friday 11th November 2016, 11:58am [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

OTTERFOX : damn him! Special mentions to SSTT and Mike Monkhouse for their brevity/funny.

Avatar

Otterfox

  • Monday 14th November 2016, 9:15pm
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

Sorry for the lateness, I was off playing chess with some badgers. Gappy's was my favourite so I shall vote for him. There was something fun in all the entries. And not to worry Mikey, I'm not that awesome anyway :)

Avatar

Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 15th November 2016, 9:17am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

I like rowing. It's awesome. Consier it dung.