British Comedy Guide

New sitcom - Doomed Page 2

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Kealy

  • Sunday 20th November 2016, 2:21pm [Edited]
  • Leicestershire, England, United Kingdom
  • 86 posts

Hello everyone here is my revised version of the fist ten pages or so. (new scene) With changes made from comments and other things that I thought needed changing.(New character). Comments would be appreciated.

SCENE 1. EXT. CASH MACHINE. DAY. [08.50]

JOSH (EARLY 30'S) IS STANDING IN A SMALL QUEUE WAITING TO USE A CASH MACHINE. A WOMAN SUZAN (EARLY 30'S) COMES TOWARDS HIM LOOKING ANGRY .

JOSH SPOTS HER AND STARTS TO LOOK WORRIED. HE HIDES HIM SELF BEHIND ONE OF THE MEN IN QUEUE. SHE ARRIVES AT THE CASH MACHINE AND GRABS HIM BY THE ARM PULLING HIM OUT FROM BEHIND THE MAN.

SUZAN:
Drawing some money out for me?

JOSH:
Drawing money out, no not me. I'm just basking in the warmth and beauty of
others more fortunate. (PUTS HIS ARMS UP AND CHEERS) Another fifty
quid. Looks like everyone's a winner today.

SUZAN:
(LOOKING BEWILDERED) God you really are sad. I sent you an eviction
notice two days ago.

JOSH:
I was coming to see you about that to let you know, that I want have the
money for another week and your free to hurt me as badly as you like.

SUZAN:
It's beyond that.

JOSH:
You can do what you like to me, How about a couple of firecrackers down my
pants. (PULLS JEANS AWAY FROM STOMACH. LOOKS INSIDE.) Trust me
theirs lots of room in there.

A MAN OPPOSITE JOSH PUTS HIS HEAD ACROSS AND LOOKS INSIDE. HE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND SMILES.

THEN ANOTHER MAN WALKS BY AND THROWS IN SOME CHANGE.

JOSH:
I knew I should have washed my hair this morning.

MAN:
You could at least dance or belt out some tunes for your money.

JOSH:
I will do the Royal Opera House a waits. (HE SCREAMS OUT)
Practice makes perfect.

SUZAN:
That change is mine.

SUZAN PUTS HER HANDS IN HIS JEANS AND PULLS OUT SOME CHANGE.

SUZAN:
Where's the rest of it?

JOSH:
(LEANS FORWARD) I think it's gone into my pants. (SMILES, LOOKING
OPTIMISTIC)

SUZAN:
(SHE LOOKS AT HIM) You can keep it.

JOSH:
Wonderful I'll start up a trust fund right away. (PULLS JEANS AWAY)
Anymore donations. Betty and Martha will be eternally grateful.

SUZAN:
I think you best start packing your stuff hadn't you? Don't worry I've
already got someone interested in the flat, my parents actually.

JOSH:
Really, can I stay with them for a bit?

SUZAN:
No you bloody cant!

JOSH:
Go on just for a little while, they wont even no I'm there.

JOSH PULLS A SULKY FACE. SHE GRABS HIS HAND AND STARTS TO SQUEEZE IT.

JOSH:
(LOOKING AROUND EMBARRASSED) No, still doesn't hurt. You'll have to
squeeze harder than that. (LOOKS AT THE MAN NEXT TO HIM) Your turn
next. Ok It hurts, it hurts.

SHE LETS GO OF HIS HAND. SHE STOMPS HER FEET, BITES HER OWN HAND.

SHE PICKS UP A DUSTBIN BAG THAT HAS BEEN LEFT NEAR THE LITTER BIN. SHE LOOKS JOSH IN THE FACE. HE SMILES. SHE PULLS HIS JEANS AWAY FROM HIS STOMACH AND EMPTIES THE BAG IN HIS JEANS. THEN MARCHES OFF.

JOSH STANDS THEIR LOOKING BEWILDERED.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. INT. SHOP - DAY 1 [09.15]

TOM (EARLY 30'S) IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER. HE HAS A LAPTOP OPEN AND IS SIGNING GUITARS. ANDY (A GOTH) (LATE TEENS) IS WATCHING LOOKING ANGRY. ANNA (MID TWENTIES) IS FIXING A FLUTE ON A TABLE CLOSE BY.

TOM LOOKS UP AT ANDY. ANDY LOOKS BACK AT HIM. TOM PUSHES THE GUITAR AWAY FROM HIM. HE STEPS AROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTER.

TOM:
Just think we'll have you forging signatures with in a month.

ANDY GIVES HIM AN ANGRY STARE.

TOM:
Cheer up. You look like your chewing a wasp. (CONCERNED LOOK) Your
not chewing a wasp are you?

ANDY LOOKS CONFUSED AND HESITANTLY OPENS UP HIS MOUTH. TOM CROUCH'S DOWN AND LOOKS INSIDE HIS MOUTH.

ANNA'S HEAD COMES INTO VIEW. SHE'S WEARING A CONSTRUCTION HELMET WITH A LIGHT ON AND HOLDING A PAIR OF TWEEZERS.

ANNA:
I don't see it. You've cheeked his pockets and lunch box this week haven't you?

TOM LOOKS OVER AT ANNA STRANGELY. ANDY CLOSES HIS MOUTH.

TOM:
Good and don't start either. One bug could lead to another.

ANNA:
(EXCITED) Just like chocolate fingers.

TOM:
Exactly. Before you know it the whole ego system could collapse. Think about
that next time nibbling on a six legged nasty takes your fancy. You may leave.

ANDY LEAVES UPSTAIRS.

ANNA:
(LOOKING A TOM) He's such a sweet guy.

JOSH POP HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR. HE LOOKS AROUND THE SHOP. TOM STARTS TO WAVE HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE DUE TO THE SMELL. ANNA PINCHES HER NOSE.

TOM:
(LOOKING ANNOYED) What time do you call this?

HE WALKS IN HOLDING HIS JEANS WITH JUST HIS PANTS AND T SHIRT ON.

ANNA:
I see you have new attire for the winter season. Don't we get a twirl?

JOSH:
I had a bit of a domestic problem at home.

TOM:
You're landlady's been bending your little pinkie back and fourth again has she. I don't call that a real domestic problem.

JOSH LOOKS CONFUSED. THEN LOOKS AT ANNA. SHE HOLDS UP HER LITTLE FINGER AND POINTS AT IT AND SMILES. JOSH REALISES AND LOOKS RELIEVED.

TOM:
I warned you about not paying your rent.

JOSH:
I would, but you don't pay me do you?

TOM:
God its money, money, money with you, I want a new I phone, I want a new
TV, I want to buy some food because the doctor's say I'm dying.
JOSH:
I just what to pay my rent, when I couldn't pay last month she gave me a
Chinese burn and it wasn't on my arm either.

ANNA:
(SMILING) Chinese finger burns, effective and deadly.

JOSH:
She sent me an eviction notice two days ago.

TOM:
She's been threatening you for the last two years and do you still have a roof
over your head?

JOSH:
I think she's serious this time.

TOM:
Just do what you always do and glue yourself to the floorboards naked.

JOSH:
I wasn't naked they cut me out of my clothes. I'm never gluing myself to the floor again. Plus I promised the local fire brigade

TOM:
(LAUGHS) What about staples?

JOSH:
Are you serious?

TOM:
No pain, no gain. Theirs a staple gun over there. You'll have to refill it, if you
use it.

ANNA:
I thought by law she has to give you notice?

JOSH:
She has, two years. She prefers to get physical with me anyway.

ANNA:
I like to get physical with people. Perhaps really she like you.

JOSH:
People who like you don't put blowtorches to your face, at three in the
morning then threaten to burn it off. I'm never going to get a good night's
sleep again.

ANNA:
Well anyway it's time for me to go give Mrs Thomas her flute. I'll be thinking about you both when I'm gone. Don't worry I'll keep your pants on.

ANNA HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

TOM:
(SHOUTING) Make sure you keep yours on too

ANNA TURNS AROUND AND SMILES AND THEN LEAVES. TOM SHAKES HIS HEAD. JOSH STARTS TO WALK INTO THE BACK ROOM LOOKING SORROWFUL.

TOM PICKS UP THE STAPLE GUN AND FOLLOWS LOOKING DEVIOUS. HE FIRES A FEW ROUNDS OF STAPLES OFF. THEN BLOWS THE END OF THE STAPLE GUN.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3.INT. SHOP - DAY 1 [09.45]

TOM IS BEHIND THE COUNTER, LOOKING AT A MAGAZINE. JOSH IS COUNTING ON HIS FINGERS.

THE SHOP DOOR OPENS AND THE BELL RINGS. YOU HEAR PEOPLE CHEERING LIKE A SPORTING EVENT. IT STARTS TO GO DARK. A SPOT LIGHT STARTS TO MOVE AROUND THE SHOP.

A MAN WALKS INTO THE SHOP. HE LOOKS ANGRY AND IS HOLDING A GUITAR CASE. THE SPOT LIGHT STOPS ON HIM. FIREWORKS GO OFF IN A LINE TOWARDS HIM. HE SHRIEKS LOOKING PETRIFIED.

THEN SMALLER MORE PITIFUL EXPLOSIONS HAPPEN, EACH WITH A DIFFERENT EXPRESSION AND POSE.

JOSH:
The same old entrance you'd think he'd change it.

MAN:
What the bloody hell do you think your doing ripping of my brother?

TOM POINTS TO HIM SELF-MIMING THE WORD ME. JOSH PUTS HIS HANDS UP.

TOM:
Josh put your hands down. He hasn't got a gun. You haven't got a gun have
you?

THE MAN SHOWS HIS FISTS.

TOM:
He's just carrying two fists and what mighty big fine weapons they look as
well.

MAN:
This guitar isn't even worth fifty pounds.

JOSH:
It is, because that was the guitar with the sticker saying fifty pounds or
nudie photos. Does your brother own any photos of lovely ladies in
the nude?

TOM:
By the way, the criteria is they must be nude and they must be lovely. We'll
leave the ladies bit to your discretion.

MAN:
What?

JOSH:
Ok, Clearly not. What if I offered you my copy of Sports and Babes
Magazine? It's got pictures of hot babes all the way through. There's even a
two-page spread on sport.

TOM:
Don't worry complaints have been sent to the editor.

JOSH:
And the editor has sent us complaints.

POINTS TO WALL COVERED WITH LETTERS.

TOM:
I don't care what he says, two pages of sport is way too much.

JOSH:
(OPENS UP THE MAGAZINE) Lets look at this months issue. Big hairy
bearded Eastern Europeans at the annual tidily winks world championship.
Need we say more.

JOSH HOLDS THE MAGAZINE OPEN TO SHOW HIM.

MAN:
I'm warning you.

TOM:
(TURNS TO JOSH WITH HIS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH) I've been warned.

JOSH LOOKS HORRIFIED.

MAN:
I think the time has come to smash your face in.

TOM:
I wouldn't bother mate. Josh has seen Enter the Dragon ten times.

JOSH:
(SMILING) We all have to find ways of making our mothers proud.

TOM:
Josh, I think its time you sorted this man out.

JOSH:
I can't do that martial arts should only be used in self-defence.

THE MAN WALKS OVER AND FLICKS JOSH'S EAR.

JOSH:
Right then, time to show him the ways of the exploding fist.

THE MAN WALKS OVER TO JOSH, PULLS UP HIS SHIRT AND TWISTS HIS NIPPLES. YOU HEAR THE NOISE OF SOMEONE TUNING A RADIO. THE MAN TWISTS THEM AGAIN THE NOISE IS HEARD AGAIN. HE THEN PUTS JOSH'S RIGHT ARM UP AND TWISTS THEM AGAIN. MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY.

JOSH LOOKS OVER AT TOM, WHO FIDDLING WITH A LITTLE RADIO ON THE COUNTER.

TOM:
Sorry.

TOM TURNS THE RADIO OF AND PUTS IT BACK UNDER THE COUNTER. JOSH TURNS TO TOM LOOKING GONE OUT.

JOSH:
My nipples are going to be sore to night.

THE MAN THEN TAKES A RUN UP AND HEAD BUTTS HIM IN THE CHEST. HE THEN STARTS TO LAUGH. JOSH GIVES OUT A HUGE SCREAM. THE MAN SCREAMS BACK. THEY START TO GO BACK AND FOURTH. TOM SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND STARTS TO JOIN IN.

A WOMAN'S FIST COMES INTO VIEW AND PUNCHES THE MAN IN THE FACE. THE MAN STARTS TO STUMBLE AROUND.

HE PICKS UP THE SPORTS AND BABES MAGAZINE OFF THE COUNTER AND STARTS TO SPIN AROUND. HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND OPENS THE MAGAZINE UP AT THE SPORTS PAGE. LOOKS AT IT, THEN FALLS UNCONSCIOUS WITH HIS TONGUE STICKING OUT THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH.

JOSH TURNS AROUND. ANNA IS STANDING THERE.

JOSH:
(SCREAMS) I Win.

ANNA:
Please be OK, Please be OK. Think positive thoughts Anna.

TOM:
I think you may have killed him.. (CHECKS PULSE) He's alive. That's good
news isn't it?

SHE NODS HER HEAD FRANTICALLY.

THE MAN STARTS TO MOAN AND GROAN. HE OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. THEN CLOSES THEM, STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT AGAIN.

JOSH TIP TOES UP TO HIM AND SNATCHES THE SPORTS MAGAZINE OFF HIM. THE MAN'S WALLET FALLS OUT OF HIS POCKET. TOM PICKS IT UP AND HANDS IT TO JOSH SMILING.

JOSH TAKES IT LOOKING WORRIED. HE OPENS THE WALLET AND TAKES OUT SOME MONEY AND TWO PHOTOS. THEN HE PUTS THE WALLET BACK IN THE MAN'S POCKET.

ANNA:
That's robbery.

JOSH:
No it isn't. We placed a bet on who could scream the longest. I won.

ANNA:
Did that really happen Tom. Did it.

TOM NODS.

JOSH:
(BIG SMILE) He did have nudie photos after all and they'll fetch a fine price
on e bay.

ANNA:
(LOOKING ACROSS) These clearly haven't come from his family photo album.

TOM:
Nude photos and fifty pounds towards the rent Josh.

JOSH LOOKS EXITED. ANNA POINTS AT THE MAN.

ANNA:
What we going to do with him? We can't just leave him there.

TOM:
We could say he's taking an afternoon nap.

JOSH:
Maybe we should stick a bottle of whisky in his hand place a guitar near him
and put him in the window and make a feature out of him.

TOM:
Point taken. I'll get his arms, you get his legs and we'll put him outside. I'm
Sure someone will take pity and call for an ambulance. Then you can go
discus Andy's progress with him.

JOSH:
It's your turn.

TOM:
No its not. Earlier he looked as happy as a polo bear who'd been sent to
bed early with a hot water bottle stuffed under his arm.

JOSH LOOKS AT THE MONEY AND SMILES. HE THEN LOOKS AT THE PHOTOS CONFUSED. ANNA PEERS HER HEAD OVER HIS SHOULDER. TOMS HAND COMES INTO VIEW AND TURNS THE PHOTOS THE RIGHT WAY AROUND. THEY LOOK AT THEM AND BOTH SMILE.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5. INT. SHOP- DAY 1 [11.10]

THE ROOM IS DARK AND PAINTED BLACK. THERE ARE CANDLES BURNING. ANDY IS STANDING IN THE CORNER WITH HIS HOOD UP. HE LOOKS AT JOSH WITH AN EVIL STARE. JOSH STUMBLES PAST HIM.

JOSH:
We need to go through your progress sheets. Sheet 2575 to be precise, so if
you'd like to take a seat.

ANDY LOOKS AT HIM ANGRILY. JOSH LOOKS BACK AT HIM WITH A WORRIED EXPRESSION. HE POINTS TO TWO CHAIRS THAT ARE IN THE CORNER. THEY BOTH SIT DOWN.

JOSH:
Now lets see. (LOOKING DOWN AT SHEET) Only one incident this week a
sharp swift kick to the knackers that left a small child paralysed from the
waste down.

ANDY:
He had an asthma attack.

JOSH:
Yes I know I've made a note of that. Doctors said he just heeded a few
weeks rest to get the oxygen pumping around his body again. It was good of
them to supply that machine to do the job for him. Do you remember
what it was called? We've had this discussion before.

ANDY:
A life support machine.

JOSH:
(CHEERS) Good a life support machine. I'm afraid to say I also found a dead
pidgin in my lunch box.

JOSH PULLS OUT A DEAD PIDGIN, HOLDING IT IN BETWEEN HIS INDEX FINGER AND THUMB AND DANGLING IT IN FRONT OF ANDY'S FACE.

ANDY:
Tom put it there. He's looking for reasons to sack me.

JOSH:
Tom and me love you. You're an important member of the team. I also have
no doubt that you're a lover of small-feathered creatures. But I'm afraid I can't
let you keep him.

JOSH WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW AND THEN TURNS AROUND.

JOSH:
I'm under strict orders to get rid of him. He's flying away now.

SCENE 5A. EXT. SHOP- DAY1 (11.15)

A MAN WALKS UNDER THE WINDOW UNWRAPPING SOME FISH AND CHIPS. THE MANS MOBILE PHONE STARTS TO RING. HE PULLS HIS MOBILE PHONE OUT AND ANSWERS IT.

SCENE 5B. INT. SHOP- DAY1 (11.15)

JOSH SMILES AT ANDY AND LETS GO OFF THE PIDGIN OUT OF THE WINDOW.

SCENE 5C. EXT. SHOP-DAY 1 (11.15)

THE PIDGIN PLUMMETS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND LANDS IN THE MANS CHIPS, KNOCKING THE PIECE OF FISH ONTO THE PAVEMENT. THE MAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CHIPS.

MAN:
I didn't order pidgin and chips.

HE TURNS AROUND AND STARTS TO WALK THE OTHER WAY.

SCENE 5D. INT. SHOP-DAY1 (11.16)

JOSH DUSTS HIS HANDS OFF.

JOSH:
Hey but lets not dwell on the negatives. Lets look at the positives (STARTS
TO LOOK THROUGH THE SHEET. HE LOOKS CONFUSED) Right
back to the negatives.

ANDY GIVES HIM A DEATH STARE. JOSH LOOKS WORRIED.

ANDY:
(LOOKING ANGRY) Look is Tom going to pay me my last two week's
wages or what?

JOSH:
Ok, I'll see what I can do.

ANDY FROWNS.

JOSH:
Tom says that he's noticed some tension has built up between us. He's
worried that the costumers might think we don't like one another. So I
thought, maybe we should give one another a team hug. Tom suggested it
actually.

JOSH HOLDS HIS ARMS OUT.

JOSH:
That's it, one foot in front of the other.

HE WALKS OVER TO JOSH. JOSH CLOSES HIS EYES.

JOSH:
Now embrace.

SCENE 5A. INT. SHOP-DAY 1 [11.12]

TOM IS LOOKING AT THE SPORTS MAGAZINE. ALL OF A SUDDEN THEIRS A MIGHTY CRASHING NOISE. TOM LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAGAZINE AND STARTS TO LAUGH.

SCENE 5B. INT. SHOP-DAY 1 [11.12]

JOSH IS LYING ON THE FLOOR WITH A BLOODY NOSE, LOOKING HORRIFIED. ANDY CLENCHES HIS FIST.

JOSH:
No, not again. Please. I have money. Fifty pounds. Take it.

JOSH TAKES THE MONEY OUT OF HIS WALLET AND SHOWS HIM IT.

ANDY WALKS OVER AND SNATCHES THE MONEY OUT OF HIS HAND. HE THEN GRADS THE WALLET AND OPENS IT AND PULLS OUT THE PHOTOS. HE LOOKS AT THEM AND SMILES.

JOSH:
I know what you thinking, Team GB missed out on another gold in the
gymnastics. Take them free of charge.

CUT TO:

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Simon The Mighty

  • Monday 21st November 2016, 10:52am
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 77 posts

A WOMAN SUZAN (EARLY 30'S) COMES TOWARDS HIM LOOKING ANGRY . - It's better to 'show not tell'. Maybe you could say 'A WOMAN SUZAN (EARLY 30'S) COMES TOWARDS HIM WITH CLENCHED FISTS', instead . I liked the wackiness, it's a shame you edited the literal chewing a wasp scene, but it's good you added to it as well, I think. 'The same old entrance you'd think he'd change it,' was funny line. I also like 'I didn't order pigeon and chips'. I think it's interesting the way you use 'out there' humour, and mix it with almost drama-like humour. You need to spell check your work, though. I hate to tell you this, but I THINK the 'not paying the rent' idea you have has also been done by 'Bottom'. You might want to think of a way to make your plot more unique.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Thursday 24th November 2016, 3:43pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

I'd be inclined to say that fundamentally what you are doing is 'tweaking', i.e. minor adjustments. They may be improvements or just changes. I would say run with it as it is now and get it out in front of production companies. If you can get some professional feedback from that exercise, it could be invaluable. Btw I still feel BADGER is a stronger item in terms of it being that little bit different. As an unknown writer (I assume) you're going to need something that stands out. But maybe DOOMED is the one. Good luck.

AvatarBCG Supporter

beaky

  • Thursday 24th November 2016, 8:49pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,703 posts

I agree with Frankie. Badger is much more interesting, and if I were you I'd work more on it, and present that one. People are looking for an original voice.

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Kealy

  • Saturday 26th November 2016, 2:02pm
  • Leicestershire, England, United Kingdom
  • 86 posts

Hello everyone

Thanks for responding. A few points about the posts.

Simon their isn't an episode of Bottom about paying the rent I've cheeked. I did a quick Google search I couldn't find any other sitcom episodes about paying the rent. Which to be honest surprised me. Maybe their is maybe their isn't. But as I said before most things have been done before.

I get what your saying frankie and beaky about The Grimsby Badger being a stronger idea. But what I like about Doomed is that it's kind of like a traditional sitcom. Something that feels familiar yet is different with the mix of comedy in it. I know they say you shouldn't second guess what TV channels want but maybe a major station are likely to pick up Doomed rather than the Badger. Because to me it seems if the first thing you do isn't a success in this business it could be the last thing you do and when I look at the major channels I don't see much originality.

But your right frankie it is time to send it to production company's and start working on the Badger and some of my other comedy ideas.

Cheers.