British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 3 - 10.9.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 3rd September 2016, 9:41am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Sorry for not posting earlier - I was watching Mel C and had both hands busy - but congratulations to GAPPY for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - me
Speckled mention: you

Your next subject is CRICKET, chosen by GAPPY.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 10.9.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Gappy
2 - 10 - 404 Not Found, Lee
3 - 5 - me

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 3rd September 2016, 5:24pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Rugby is so unfair. It's just not cricket.

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Tiggy

  • Sunday 4th September 2016, 11:05pm
  • Reading, England
  • 176 posts

Crickets are little hopping bugs
And cricket is a game.
To save all the confusion
One should change it's name.

If I went to a cricket match
It just won't do at all
To get there and have to watch
Some insects play football.

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Lee

  • Monday 5th September 2016, 7:46am
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

Is your radio broken?

No, I'm just listening to the cricket.

Fair enough.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Monday 5th September 2016, 2:53pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

What is an over called before the bowler bowls it? And what is it called after he has bowled it? The correct answer is: I'm stumped if I know. In these situations it may be wise to adjust your bails and middle wicket. Also, although you can be 'out' or 'not out', it is usually wiser to be 'not out' when a policeman is around, unless they are Special Branch. Regarding the wicket, it should be noted that the wicket keeper does not actually keep the wicket. He usually leaves it to be kept along with the other cricket equipment. And this 'cricket stuff' (as it is universally known) is always kept in a shed by an old man. Without sheds there would be no cricket, or old men. Conversations you hear at cricket matches can be quite illuminating, for example, "I say, isn't that a Duck-Billed Platypus behind Silly Mid On?" and the response, "No, it's a cat called Tiddles..". By the bye, women are also known to play cricket but only because men have said they shouldn't be allowed to, and they only play on Tuesdays (wash day permitting). A woman umpire is known as an umpire-ess (or Mary) and is usually quite clumsy. When women play cricket men stand on the boundary and 'guffaw' at the ladies 'antics'. No one ever wins at cricket but if they did it would be the end of all things.

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gappy

  • Monday 5th September 2016, 3:52pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

[This sketch is a runner. that may or may not be a cricket joke]

GRAMS: Light music, jaunty violins and sweet woodwind.

BATTERS: [SPEAKS VERY MUCH IN THE TIPSY, AVUNCULAR BLOWERS MOULD] Welcome once again, naturenauts, to another edition of Country Matters, and another wander through the briar paths with me, Algernon Bathurst - or Batters, to you! This afternoon, I'm in balmy Amersham. I've got my eye on a gorgeous specimen of a cabbage white, which is flitting over a hedge. Did you know, the cabbage white pupates for - oh, I say! There's a cricket match over the hedge. Ooh, now, a wonderful cover drive there. Beautiful piece of batting. Simply breath-taking. And those gorgeous, sacramental cricket whites make the cruddy old cabbage white look like a tatty stupid insect with no back foot play.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

GRAMS: Airy trad jazz of the British tradition.

BATTERS: Ah, there you are, my good listeners, and welcome to a new show, which we hope shall become a regular fixture throughout the summer. I'm Batters and this is Roof Of The Nation, a radio companion to The Sky At Night. I'll be observing the heavens of Great Britain in daylight hours, and perhaps helping you to understand the subtleties of cloud formations. For instance, here in cheeky Amersham, I can see a glorious cumulo-nimbus drifting majestically above me. And just below, yes, I do believe there's a cricket match going on. Oh, I say, what a terrible piece of wicketkeeping, that will be 4 byes, unless I'm much mistaken. I recall seeing Jeffrey Dujon take a phenomenal catch in the 1982 Test; if you can imagine, Kapil Dev was running at a medium pace, you see, and -

DIRECTOR: Cut!

GRAMS: Sprightly vox humana synth melody.

BATTERS: Good afternoon, chums and chubbers, it's me, old Batters, and you're listening to Birds, Buses & Chocolate Cake, a three hour show dedicated solely to the constant discussion of ornithology, public transport and cocoa-based puddings. So [PAUSE] did you see the cricket last night?

DIRECTOR: Cut!

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Craig Hosie

  • Tuesday 6th September 2016, 4:49pm
  • Glasgow, Scotland
  • 8 posts

Jeff
Okay guys! I can only get BBC 2 tuned in...so I've only went and picked up Ben Stiller's boxset!!

Pete
What's on BBC 2?

Dave
Cricket

Pete
Never heard of it. Stick it on.

Dave
Oh, it's not actually Cricket, it's "A History Of Cricket"

Jeff
Any of you seen Zoolander?

Pete
I could do with brushing up on my Cricket history, Jeff.

Dave
Says here it's narrated by Jedward.

Jeff
You Don't Mess With The Zohan? UNCUT!

Pete
Will we actually see Jedward or just hear them?

Jeff
UNCUT, Pete!

Dave
It says here it's 5 hours long.

Pete
We've got enough beer to last us til morning.

Dave
AND Jedward intermittently sing and dance throughout.

Pete
There's a bottle of Whiskey in the cupboard.

TV Announcer: Due to a change in our planned schedule 'A History Of Cricket' will now be shown next week and instead we will be showing the 2008 classic, Tropic Thunder, starring Ben Stiller.

Jeff's face lights up with excitement

Dave
Which cupboard?

Pete
Top. I'll go pick up more beer.

END

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gappy

  • Monday 12th September 2016, 10:44am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Special mention for Craig, but Frankie wins my vote this week, with a nice Sellar & Yeatman tone.

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Lee

  • Monday 12th September 2016, 11:43am
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

Tiggy.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Monday 12th September 2016, 5:34pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

Have to go with Lee (but Monkhouse always raises a smile so gets a mention).