British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 20 - 28.8.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 20th August 2016, 8:35am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

Congratulations to GAPPY and 404NOTFOUND for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy, 404NotFound
Speckled mention: me

Your next subject is ATHLETICS, chosen by GAPPY.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 28.8.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - Gappy
2 - 10 - 404 Not Found, Lee

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 21st August 2016, 10:55am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,652 posts

What do you call smeone shagging an English Olympist? Roger Sloman.
George Best said, 'The worst thing about alcoholism is you don't notice it's happening.' You don't notice anything, you're too drunk.
Diego Maradona should shut up and stick to what he's good at. Basketball.
Difference between soccer and The Great Gatsby, Gatsby was a good sport.
Footballer spent 30 hours at the hairdresser's. He's described as absolutely lacquered.
A footballer's career is at risk after he injured his calf. Fans are worried, animal rights activists aren't happy either.
Man United T-shirts tested for chemical content: found to have worrying stuff inside. The fans.
David Beckham says he's been playing football since he was 8. He must be knackered.
Bad news for footballer Andy Goram, he's been diagnosed schizophrenic. Good news, he's befriended himself on Facebook.
Italy's Francesco Coco says he's behind gay players, not literally.
Italy's Francesco Coco says he's behind gay players, gives a whole new meaning to the expression Camp Instructor.

I've compiled my dream team: Cheryl Cole, Cameron Diaz, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Nicole Kidman. What can David Beckham do for me?
Enough football, golf now. How many holes are the on a celebrity golf course? 18, and an unlimited number of arseholes.

Bad news, a fan has been seriously injured in football hooliganism. Good news, he has a part in the next Lady Gaga video.

They're introducing a new live football blog. Won't the computer get in the players' way?

What's got 22 legs and runs? The English soccer team eating curry.

Yet again David Beckham has been accused of over-exposure, he'll be on the show to talk about it later.

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gappy

  • Sunday 21st August 2016, 8:14pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

INTERVIEWER: Jason! Jason! Can we have a word? Pleased with your performance?

McDUGGAN: [Out of breath] Well, it's just great to compete at this level, Clive. I ran as hard as I could, and that's all you can do.

INTERVIEWER: Indeed. So, when the starter pistol fired, what went through your mind?

McDUGGAN: Just...not much, just that I had to run as hard as I could, you know.

INTERVIEWER: Right. Right. [Beat] So, talk us through the race.

McDUGGAN: Erm. It was pretty...I started running - as hard as I could - and then -

INTERVIEWER: And what went through your mind?

McDUGGAN: Not very...just "keep running!". [Pause] And, after a bit, "I'm tired".

INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Right, Jason, I'm going to come out and say it, you're not really very easy to interview. Blood, stone, you know? Bit of a broadcaster's nightmare, to be frank.

McDUGGAN: I see. Well Clive, I'm going to come out and say something too. Perhaps it would help if you didn't restrict yourself to meaningless, facile questions.

INTERVIEWER: Ooh, you want more in-depth questions, do you?

McDUGGAN: Well, I just thought-

INTERVIEWER: Alright. What's the average height of all the runners in the race, to the nearest centimetre?

McDUGGAN: What's the average height of the runners?

INTERVIEWER: To the nearest centimetre, yes.

McDUGGAN: I don't know.

INTERVIEWER: Ooh, a bit too hard, was it, for the intellectual athlete? Not one you're used to at the Team GB debating society, hmm? Poor old Jase. Go on, have a guess. Nation's watching.

McDUGGAN: Erm...212?

INTERVIEWER: Nowhere near. 173.

McDUGGAN: Fine, well, I'll know for next time.

INTERVIEWER: It'll be different, you idiot!

McDUGGAN: Yes, alright, but it will act as a sort of reference for-

INTERVIEWER: What breed of dog is Scooby Doo?

McDUGGAN: I don't know. .

INTERVIEWER: Great Dane. That one's easy.

McDUGGAN: But not really relevant, Clive. Perhaps if you thought about questions that actually had some pertinence to the competition everyone would enjoy the interview more.

INTERVIEWER: OK, fine, here's a relevant one. Given the context that you've just stopped to be interviewed after only 4000m of a 5000m race, would you describe yourself as an astute tactician?

McDUGGAN: [Fading] Oh fuuuuuuck.

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tony kay

  • Monday 22nd August 2016, 10:01pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 92 posts

What do you call someone who gets a gold medal for tinkling the ivories. An olympianist.
What do you do when you're riding an elephant and need to go. Tinkle the ivories.
Did you hear about the woman who got pregnant even though she was on the rhythm method. I think her boyfriend tinkled the ovaries.

In the 1968 Dublin olympics why did they cancel the hammer event? The judge forgot to bring the nails.

I know a thief who is so good he just got a gold medal for breaking and entering.

I heard that each gold medal cost Britain £5 million. I think they've been ripped off. should have gone to cash 4 gold.

If I was running the IOC I would rename the medals, 'gold', 'silver' and 'thats a bit shit'

They were so short of money in Rio, the olympic caterers had to make mushroom risotto out of athletes foot.

At the 1984 Scottish olympics the athletes were so unhealthy they had to cancel the marathon and change it to a snickers.
What do British athletes call the 20th century?
The bronze age.

I hear the 4x100m relay team have just been sponsored by Gregs. They're gona be delivering sausage rolls.
They are also sponsoring the boxing team and promise to make all the boxers super heavy weight - by swapping the boxing ring for the ring doughnut.

Spectator: Why are those seats right at the front so cheap today ?
Ticket seller: I don't know sir.
Spectator: What events are on today?
Ticket seller: The final of the javelin.

Why are Jamaican athletes so good at sprinting?
They build their toilets about 100m away from their houses.

At the 1968 Dublin olympics, the only competitors allowed to take part in the pole vault were from Poland.

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404 Not Found

  • Wednesday 24th August 2016, 1:16pm [Edited]
  • Stoke on Trent, England
  • 389 posts

[WE SEE ABOUT A DOZEN PEOPLE IN SMART BUSINESS ATTIRE SITTING ROUND A TABLE]

ITV BOSS:
Well I've just spoken to my counterpart at the BBC and they're gutted that they've lost the Olympic coverage for Tokyo 2020.

[SNIGGERING FROM ROUND THE TABLE]

ITV BOSS:
But there's not time to sit here gloating, we have four years to go and a lot of planning to do. So Carole, I believe you've been doing some work on this.

CAROLE:
Yes that's right, Japan has a very rich and complex culture and history so I thought that we should have a documentary series in the run up to the olympics, exploring Japanese culture, history and etiquette in depth.

ITV BOSS:
Sounds good, so who do you have in mind to present it?

CAROLE:
Joey Essex.

[MURMURS OF APPROVAL FROM ROUND THE TABLE]

ITV BOSS:
Marvelous, moving on to the Olympics itself, we have the opening ceremony, The Japanese organising comittee are keeping the details under wraps, but I understand the theme will be international peace, harmony and understanding. So any thoughts on who we should have commentating?

GREG:
How about Katie Hopkins?

[GENERAL SOUNDS OF APPROVAL FROM THOSE AROUND THE TABLE]

ITV BOSS:
Fantastic idea Greg, You've been looking at the sporting events themselves I understand.

GREG:
Yes, the news from the focus groups is not good. Most of Team GB scored very low on public recognition. So I propose we keep the recognisable faces, your Mo Farrah and Tom Daley etc, but replace the others with celebrities, I've signed up Holly Willoughby for the marathon. Bradley Walsh has agreed to go on a tandem with Bradley Wiggins, and the cast of Loose Women are doing the beach volleyball.

ITV BOSS:
Fantastic,

GREG:
The most popular event is the mens 100 Meters, unfortunately, the IOC are not budging on their position. They're insisting on no pause for an advert break during the race.

[MUTTERING FROM AROUND THE TABLE]

GREG:
Also it clashes with Coronation Street.

[MORE MUTTERING]

GREG: I do have a plan though...

[CAPTION: FOUR YEARS LATER]
[WE SEE ANT AND DEC TRACKSIDE AT THE TOKYO OLYMPIC STADIUM]

ANT:
Well here we are Dec, just moments away from the 100m final.

DEC:
Yes Ant that's right, in lane one we have Usain Bolt, who controversially knocked our Christopher Biggins out in the heats, despite the public vote.

ANT:
And in lane two Keith Lemon is warming up, for his olympic debut.

DEC:
They take their positions now as the race is about to get underway.

STARTER:
On your marks, get set.... [STARTING PISTOL SOUNDS]

[THE RUNNERS SPEED AWAY FROM THE START WITH USAIN BOLT IN THE LEAD AND KEITH LEMON TRAILING BEHIND]

[THE CAMERA PANS TO TRACK THE RUNNERS BUT THEN PANS AWAY AND ZOOMS IN TO THE FRONT ROW OF SPECTATORS WHERE KEN BARLOW AND EMILY BISHOP ARE SITTING WATCHING THE ACTION]

[EMILY BISHOP IS SITTING THERE KNITTING]

KEN BARLOW:
[TURNS TO EMILY] Emily, I think I love you!

[CORONATION STREET THEME PLAYS AND "END OF PART ONE" CAPTION IS DISPLAYED ON THE SCREEN]

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gappy

  • Monday 29th August 2016, 1:55pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,016 posts

404's was well-written, but depressingly too plausible to be funny Angy

I kind of wish for a wee bit of structure around the other 2 random piles of gags, butmany of them are good gags, so top marks: Michael has slightly more quality lines,s o the prize goes to Don Monkhouse.

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Lee

  • Monday 29th August 2016, 2:40pm
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,346 posts

Forgot to enter!!

Gaps for me.

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404 Not Found

  • Tuesday 30th August 2016, 6:51am [Edited]
  • Stoke on Trent, England
  • 389 posts

Gold goes to - Gappy
Joint Silvers go to - Michael and Tony

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tony kay

  • Tuesday 30th August 2016, 11:33pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 92 posts

comments spot on so far. gappy gets my top score,I liked 404 and michael but they are so different I feel like chickening out from my role as a judge and give them equal 2nd.