British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 2 - 10.7.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 2nd July 2016, 4:30pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Congratulations to GAPPY and ME for rewinking. PMs, subjects, wanks etc.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy, me

Your next subject is WEAPONS (chosen by Gappy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 10.7.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Gappy
2 - 30 - me
3 - 15 - Otterfox
4 - 5 - Darren Hoskins

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 4th July 2016, 6:58pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

WREXIT

Ain't Independence Day awesome? The US declares its independence from the rest of the world cos 'We are Americans and we are AWESOME!'... The Monroe Doctrine proclaims the US shouldn't get involved in the rest of the planet cos 'We are Americans and we are SO AWESOME!'... The US stays out of 2 world wars as long as possible cos 'We Are AMERICANS and we're TOO GODDAM AWESOME!'... 2016, 52% of overaged Brits say, 'Um, if you don't mind, we'd rather not be, ah, overly involved in Europe...' 'You selfish ASSHOLES! You motherf**kers just don't care. It's just us, us, us.'

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Lee

  • Tuesday 5th July 2016, 9:28am
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

Two men are sat in a pub, one of them is wearing a jacket.

MAN 1
Look what I've got.

He pulls open his jacket to reveal a concealed knife.

MAN 2
What have you got that for?

MAN 1
It's a knife!

MAN 2
I can see that, it looks like a butter knife.

MAN 1
It is, it's for protection.

MAN 2
Against who, the Lurpak man?

MAN 1
No of course not. There's some funny buggers in here.

MAN 2
(Looking around)
Like who?

MAN 1
(gesturing to a man at the bar)
Like him over there.

MAN 2
What's he got, a spoon?

MAN 1
Don't be daft... He carries a potato peeler.

MAN 2
What's he gonna do, make me some chips?

MAN 1
Alright, what about him by the fruit machine?

MAN 2
What's he got, a whisk?

MAN 1
No actually. They call him the fire starter.

MAN 2
He's got one of those Creme brulee torches, hasn't he?

MAN 1
Yes, but he's very deadly at close range.

MAN 2
This is just silly. I don't think you need to carry that knife about...

THE PUB'S DOOR SWING OPEN, WESTERN SALOON STYLE.

MAN 1
Don't speak too soon.

IN WALK A SHADY MAN IN A TRENCH COAT, A COWBOY HAT CASTING A SHADOW HIDING HIS FACE.

MAN 1
Oh no...

MAN 2
Whose that?

MAN 1
You'll be sorry you didn't bring a weapon.

MAN 2
I could've bought a rolling pin but the missus is making pies today.

MAN 1
Mock all you want, but The Shredder has just walked in.

EVERYONE AROUND THE BAR SCATTERS TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SHREDDER.

MAN 2
What's he got, a cheese grater?

BARMAN
No Shredder, uhh, Mr Shredder... we don't want no trouble around here... please...

MAN 2
Hah!

SHREDDER HEARS HIM LAUGH AND SPINS AROUND. MAN 1 HANGS ONTO HIS BUTTER KNIFE.

SHREDDER
What you laughing a boy?

MAN 2
Who me? Nothing, my friend just told me a joke.

SHREDDER
You better watch yourself.

MAN 2
Or what, are you going to pastry brush me? Or bake me a cake?

SHREDDER PULLS A 3 PIN PLUG FROM HIS COAT AND HANDS IT TO THE BARMAN, WHO PLUGS IT IN BEHIND THE BAR. SHREDDER THEN PULLS OUT AN ELECTRIC CARVING KNIFE AND MENACINGLY FLICKS THE SWITCH.

NOTHING HAPPENS.

SHREDDER
(To the barman)
Did you switch it on?

BARMAN
Oh no, sorry.

HE SWITCHES IT ON AND THE KNIFE RIPS INTO ACTION. SHREDDER MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS MAN 2.

MAN 2
No come on, let's not do this.

SHREDDER
You know why they call me shredder?

HE LOOMS EVER CLOSER.

MAN 2
Because you look like a rat?

SHREDDER?
NO..No not anymore! Not it's because I like too do...

THE CARVERY KNIFE'S PLUG PULLS OUT OF THE SOCKET, CUTTING IT DEAD.

SHREDDER
Bloody thing... (To the Barman) Harry, have you got an extension lead?

BARMAN
Uhhh, no, sorry Keith. Dave only comes in on Tuesdays.

MAN 1
(To man 2)
He uses it like a whip.

MAN 2
(rolling his eyes)
Oh yeah.

SHREDDER
It looks like we'll have to dance again another time boy.

MAN 2
Can we make it Sunday? I'll be having beef here then.

SHREDDER
You had better be thankful this cable isn't 3 feet longer!

SHREDDER WALKS AWAY. EVERYONE GOES BACK TO THEIR DRINKS.

END.

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gappy

  • Tuesday 5th July 2016, 8:26pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

1: 15 dead, gentlemen, another 15 dead.

2: Dead? Of what?

1: Of suffocation caused by the kidney being forcibly removed from the body via the oesophagus, causing severe trauma to the digestive tract and rupturing the lungs. Same as all the others.

3: And was this caused by the kidney ejection ray device?

1: Of course! Does this look like an unejected kidney to you? Question is, what are we going to do to stem the tide of kidney ejections?

2: We could give kidney ejectors to the police.

1: They already have them. Don't you remember the other day, when a policeman thought a guy had a kidney ejector, but he didn't, but the policeman ejected his kidneys anyway?

2: Oh yeah, I remember. But they also eject kidneys of people who actually do have kidney ejectors, don't they? That's brilliant of them.

1: Oh, of course: I always say the only way to stop a bad man with a kidney ejector is a good man with a kidney ejector. But that's not going to get our figures down, I need more ideas.

3: How about an organisation?

1: An organisation for people who like kidney ejectors?

3: Yes. An association for all the fans who like to use the kidney ejection process responsibly. All the good kidney ejectors could join.

1: Hmm, sounds like fun, but what about the not-so-good people who don't want to eject kidneys responsibily?

3: Well, they won't join.

2: Some of them might...so they can get their hands on kidney ejection devices a little more easily. Or maybe just to drink beer.

3: Oh, yes, actually that will probably happen a lot.

1: Yes. And, just remind me, what are the ethical reasons to perform kidney ejection again?

2: Self-defence.

3: Oh, yes, self-defence. God knows you need to be able to defend yourself these days.

1: It's a dangerous world out there.

3: Yeah, everybody's got these things that eject your kidneys.

2: Even the police! I mean, come on, I'm not going to let any old cop wave a kidney ejector device about, they could get the wrong man. A man like me, who never did anything wrong...except maybe eject a couple of kidneys that one time, but that was by mistake.

1: Yes, fair points. Also, the kidney ejector machine manufacturers - Bangco, Renalsplat and Kid-Vicious - have lots of money, some of which they gave to me, so it sort of seals the deal. So let's leave things as they are, except maybe that club idea, we'll do that. Any other business?

3: Just a number of women who've recently had their earlobes imploded with the new earlobe-imploding apparatus.

2: Did they have their ears out?

3: I think.

1: Pfft, they were asking for it.

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gappy

  • Monday 11th July 2016, 12:34pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Lee for me too.

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Lee

  • Monday 11th July 2016, 12:48pm
  • Lincolnshire, United Kingdom
  • 36,348 posts

As always, gappy.