British Comedy Guide

How Not to Get a Job

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Aaron Broom

  • Saturday 14th May 2016, 11:54pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 9 posts

Hey guys, this is an 8-page script for a comedy sketch I've titled "How Not to Get a Job". Would definitely appreciate any feedback, positive or negative.

How Not to Get a Job

2 pm

Grace, Sawyer and Jake are sat around a table in a restaurant.

Jake: Nice day today.

Sawyer: Yeah. The sun's really beating down.

Jake: We shoulda sat outside.

Grace: Yeah, except this place doesn't have outside seating.

Jake: Oh, well, that sucks. I'm gonna suggest they make that a thing here.

Grace: Yeah, I'm sure they're going to put a bunch of tables outside, just because you suggest it.

Jake: Hey. I can be surprisingly influential. I'm the one who made the popcorn cappuccinos at Costa a thing.

Grace: Ew, those taste awful.

Sawyer: Yeah, that's not something to be proud of, Jake.

Aaron enters and sits down at the table.

Aaron: Hey guys.

Grace, Sawyer and Jake all greet Aaron.

Aaron: Nice day today.

Sawyer: Yeah, we've already had that conversation.

Aaron: Oh, okay. Moving on: who wants to buy me a drink?

There is a long silence.

Aaron: Well, don't all volunteer at once.

Grace: Why aren't you buying your own drink?

Aaron: Because I have no money and because the Dalai Lama once said that our primary purpose in life is to help others.

Jake: The Dalai Lama...now, that's a wrestler, right?

Sawyer looks at Jake as if to say "are you serious?".

Grace: Okay, well, Jake, you can buy Aaron a drink.

Jake: What? Why me?

Grace: Because your stupidity has to start costing you something. And, Aaron, if you're broke, then maybe it's time you started looking for a job again.

Aaron: I have been. I've been handing these out all day!

Aaron takes a wad of résumés out of his bag and drops them on the table. Sawyer takes a copy of Aaron's résumé and begins reading it.

Sawyer: Ah, you're looking for bar work, again.

Aaron: Yeah, there's something about getting paid to help people slowly poison themselves that just feels very natural to me.

Jake leans in closer to Sawyer so he can also read Aaron's résumé.

Aaron (to Sawyer, referring to his résumé): What do you think? Is it any good?

Sawyer: I haven't read it all yet. I'm just at the part where you talk about what you did at the last bar you worked at.

Jake (reading from the résumé): Routinely checked identification of customers purchasing alcoholic beverages.

Cut to Aaron working behind a bar. A kid walks in, wearing what is quite obviously a fake beard and moustache.

Kid (in an evidently fake deep voice): Ahem. Can I get a whiskey, please?

Aaron looks at the kid for a moment, with an expression that says "you're not convincing me for a second".

Aaron: I'll give you a beer for effort.

Cut back to the restaurant.

Aaron: Well, "routinely" might be a little generous.

Sawyer (reading from the résumé): Can work under stressful conditions without losing efficiency.

Cut to Aaron behind the bar again. There is a large crowd of customers on the other side of the bar.

Aaron: Okay, attention! Due to the bar being very crowded at the moment, anyone who orders a cocktail, or any drink that I can't just pour out of a tap or a bottle, will be getting a beer.

Aaron slams a bottle of beer down on the bar. Cut back to the restaurant.

Aaron: I like to think I thrive under pressure.

Grace: So, what're you gonna do when somebody hires you and actually expects you to behave like the guy on your résumé?

Aaron: Well, what do you want me to do? Be honest? That's not how you get stuff in life.

Jake: It's true. Everybody lies and exaggerates or at least embellishes a few little details about themselves on their résumés. I mean, take our waitress, for example. Earlier on, I saw her sneeze over Grace's food. But she didn't think anyone saw, so she brought it over here anyway.

Grace: Ew! What?! Why would you not tell me until now?!

Jake (continuing, disregarding Grace): But I bet you her résumé says something along the lines of "always hygienic when handling food".

Aaron: Exactly. Job-hunting's so competitive these days that you have to talk yourself up to a standard that you're never gonna actually be able to meet. You know, it's a shame we can't be having this conversation outside. It really is a nice day today.

Jake: That's what I said! Don't worry, Aaron. I'm gonna put in a suggestion for some outdoor seating.

Aaron (sarcastically): Oh yeah, I'm sure the waitress will pick up our table and move it outside right now, if you say something.

Grace and Sawyer laugh.

Jake: You guys need to give me more credit. You're forgetting: I made popcorn cappuccinos happen.

Aaron: Yeah, well, make them not taste like shit. Then, I'll give you credit.

Sawyer: Exactly.

Grace: Thank you. Anyway, Aaron, making yourself sound good on paper is one thing, but just make sure you don't blow it in the interview.

Sawyer: Says you. You've managed to blow it before you've even handed over your résumé.

Cut to Grace and Sawyer standing in a shop, at the till. A shop worker approaches the till.

Shop Worker: Hi there.

Grace turns to face them.

Grace: Hi.

Suddenly, Grace shrieks in disgust.

Grace: Urgh! That uniform is horrendous! You look like a inner city school janitor. There's no way I can--

Grace cuts herself off and composes herself.

Grace (to herself): Wait, no. Come on, Grace. You need the money.

Grace puts on a smile.

Grace: Here's my résumé.

Grace hands her résumé over towards the shop worker. The shop worker folds their arms and looks at Grace as if to say "there's no way I'm taking that now".

Cut back to the restaurant.

Grace: Ah, I can't work in retail anyway. It always ends up triggering my kleptomania. You know I stole over 200 pencil sharpeners from WHSmith before they finally caught on and gave me the sack?

Jake: My problem with job-hunting's always been that I really can't handle rejection. I can't stand in the queue at Starbucks for five minutes just to be turned away and do the walk of shame out of there in front of all the people who have jobs. So, whenever I go somewhere to apply for a job, I always pretend I'm just there to buy something and then I'm like "oh, hey, while I'm here, I just so happen to be looking for a job". So, that way, if they're like "nah, sorry, we're not looking for anybody", I can just be like "ah well, never mind. I got my pumpkin spiced latté, which is totally what I came here for".

Aaron: What, so you just go around buying stuff that you don't actually want or need?

Jake: Yep.

Aaron: Wow, that is...

Grace: Crazy.

Jake: I know right. It makes applying for bar work particularly messy.

Cut to a bar. Jake walks in and sits down at the bar.

Jake: Hey. Can I get a Budweiser, please?

Barman: Sure.

The barman gives Jake a Budweiser.

Jake: Oh, while I'm here, do you happen to have any job vacancies?

Barman: Er, we don't. Sorry.

Jake: Ah, no worries. It's happy hour. I've got my beer. I'm happy.

Screen fades to black and white text appears onscreen, reading "11 Bars Later...".

Cut to another bar. Jake is slumped over the bar, totally drunk.

Jake (desperately, to the barman): Pleeeeeease hire me. I have a credit card, no job and very poor self-control. It's only a matter of time before I'm in crippling debt.

Jake spills some of his beer on the bar.

Jake: Oops.

Barman (clearly fed up of Jake's drunkenness): It's okay. I got it.

The barman picks up a towel and goes to mop up the beer on the bar.

Jake: No...

Jake snatches the towel from the barman.

Jake: I got it. Your new bartender! You just have to say it first.

Barman: What?

Jake: Say I'm your new bartender.

Barman: I'm not gonna say that. Can you give me the--

Jake (beginning to cry): Say I'm your new bartender. Just say the words, man.

Jake stops and begins to feel nauseous. He throws up on the floor.

Jake: Don't worry. I got that too...I might need a bigger cloth, though.

Cut back to restaurant.

Aaron: Wow.

Sawyer: Why didn't you just order, like, a soft drink?

Jake: A soft drink? At happy hour? They'd see right through me!

Grace: Wow. I don't say this lightly but you are the most ridiculously irrational person I've ever met.

Jake: And just to prove your point, I'm going to take that as a compliment.

Sawyer (to Aaron): In any case, it's good to do a little thinking about what you might say in an interview.

Grace (to Aaron): Yeah, you don't wanna be caught off guard.

Sawyer: And you really don't wanna be caught out lying. But you also don't wanna be too honest. I've fallen into that trap before.

Cut to Sawyer in a job interview.

Employer: So, how would your friends describe you?

Sawyer: Not very nicely. My friends are assholes.

Cut back to restaurant.

Grace (to Sawyer, outraged): How dare you?!

Jake: Yeah, screw you, you chinless white trash assbutt.

Sawyer (to Jake): Funnily enough, that's exactly what I told him you'd say. Regardless, it clearly wasn't the answer he wanted.

Jake (to Aaron): Either way, Aaron. Don't worry if you're not the flawless person that your résumé says your are. We all lie on our résumés.

Grace: It's true. I put "good memorisation skills" on mine and that was a lie and a half. The other day I forgot where I work. I walked into some cocktail bar down the street and starting pouring drinks. I'd made 20 mojitos before I remembered I'm not a bartender.

Jake: See. But, Grace is right. You do wanna try to adhere to your résumé as much as you can, in the beginning, at least, so your boss doesn't think you're an all-out liar.

Sawyer: Yeah, be polite. Smile.

Jake: Pay attention to what your boss tells you.

Grace: Wear tight jeans...like, tighter than those ones.

Aaron: Thanks, but, I don't think you guys are the best people for me to be taking advice from on how to be a good employee.

Grace: Screw you. When have you ever seen me work?

Aaron: Exactly. I've never seen any of you work. In fact, it's 2 pm on a Wednesday afternoon and I'm pretty sure that at least two of you should be at work right now.

Aaron turns to Jake.

Aaron: And you certainly couldn't work in a bar. I asked for that drink like an hour ago.

Jake: Oh yeah. Hang on.

Jake goes to get the waitress's attention.
Aaron: Actually, you know what? Never mind. I should really get back to handing these out.

Aaron picks up his stack of résumés.

Sawyer: Well, hey, why don't you apply for a job here?

Grace: Yeah, this is a restaurant. There's a bar over there.

Aaron: Yeah. You know, that's not a bad idea.

The waitress walks by. She stops as Aaron addresses her.

Aaron (to the waitress): Hey, d'you guys have any job vacancies here?

Waitress: Yeah, we do, actually.

Aaron: Ah brilliant. Can I give you a copy of my résumé?

Waitress: Well, the owner's sat just over there...

The waitress motions to a table just across from theirs, where the owner is sitting.

Waitress: ...why don't you give it to him?

Aaron: Er, sure. Thanks.

The waitress continues to walk on by.

Aaron (to the owner): Hey man, can I give you my résumé?

Owner: Er, well, usually I'd say yes, but I've overheard your entire conversation and, honestly, there's no way I could hire any of you after what I've just heard.

Aaron: Hm. Fair enough.

Aaron turns back to the group.

Aaron (rising from his seat, holding his résumés): Okay, well. I'm gonna go try my luck elsewhere. Root for me, guys.

Grace: Always am, hon.

Sawyer: Yeah, you can do it, man.

Aaron: Later.

Aaron exits.

Jake (to Sawyer): Should we have told him that he spelt his name wrong on his résumé?

Sawyer: No. No...he's happier this way.

Grace: That boy really needs to learn to proofread.

End of sketch.