British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 26.4 - 4.5.16


Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 26th April 2016, 6:51am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,561 posts

Phwoarsome stuff again so congratulations to GAPPY for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - me

Your next subject is Food and Drink... I said, I'd like 2 Big Macs please. He said, With relish? I said, MMmmmmmm, I'd llllllllliiiiiiikkkke twoooooooo Bbbbbbbbbbbbig Mmmmmmmmmmmmacs please.
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Spanish geese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 4.5.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 55 - Gappy
2 - 25 - James
3 - 20 - Tiggy
4 - 15 - Stylee Ting Ting, me
5 - 10 - Otterfox
6 - 5 - Playfull, Scratchyr


Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 28th April 2016, 5:54pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,561 posts

MUST be read alongside

Wanking, Wanking

When will my cock jizz in my ear?

Wanking, Wanking

Where will I feel ass for years?

With no comin' in arse holes I'm just sploogin' on my coat

You can't shoot wads in my eye

Butt wanking, wanking

You aren't gay, but make me blind

Wanking, my palm is full

But here's my slime, the one eye cries

Wanking, I self loved my joystick

Wringing out all those sheets I dried

All the juice I polished off

Seemed to just slither down my pole

Let me date Mrs Palmer

Wanking, Wanking

I still shake the creamer here? Yeah

Oh Wanking my forsk weeps

All your jisms still taste sweet

I date Rosie Parmer's sisters

But Wanking, it's no crime to play pinball

With no skeet meat in my balls and just junior pole vault

Pet kitty plunk the twanger

But Wanking, I still flog the bishop

Everywhere my cock eye tries to cry

There ain't a woman makes come all my goo

Come on baby, dry her nice

But Wanking, Wanking

Fingers good I got all five

Wanking, Wanking, you c**ts, hey we never dried.



  • Sunday 1st May 2016, 2:35am [Edited]
  • dorset, England
  • 172 posts

the only way is wessex.

The first of the residents we meet is Donald, a local farmer from out past thornford zumwhere...

" so Donald. You are practising for next year's Masterchef? "

" yarp, I be trying out a few recipes with the foinest West Country ingredients "

" ok, what are you cooking "

" well for Moy main course I be doing pork. In cider. With baby carrots.. With a cider glaze.. And a pork bom bom with a cider filling. Served with cider mash, cider cream sauce, and deep fried leaves. From the cider apple tree.oh, and a cider foam "

" so....a lot of cider then Donald? Are you not afraid that one taste will dominate tho .?? "

" can't beat a drop of cider....and I will taste my masterpiece just to make sure but I know it's fine "

Camera pans out to Donald who dips in a spoon and tastes his creation.... A frown crosses his face and the camera zooms in.. And he says..

" bugger me your right ...
It needs less pork.!!! "



  • Monday 2nd May 2016, 12:00pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,113 posts

[MORGAN SPURLOCK enters his AGENT's office]

AGENT: Morgan! God to see you, take the weight off.

MORGAN: How you doing, Stan?

AGENT: Can't complain, can't complain. Now, shall we get down to business, Morgan?

MORGAN: Sounds good. Why did you call me in?

AGENT: We need to get you working again.

MORGAN: What do you mean? I've been doing a lot of work recently - let me tell you about a little idea I've got for a -

AGENT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, brilliant. But, I mean, we need to get you *doing* something again. LIke, doing one thing for ages, like the old days. I know you do all this cockamamie shit, but that don't interest the general public. We need a new gimmick, you know? Like in Supersize Me.

MORGAN: Well, that wasn't made to be a hit, it just caught the public eye.

AGENT: We want a hit, we can *make* a hit! We need another wacky thing for you to do. Like - and bear with me here, you're the film-maker - how about you had to hop everywhere for a month? Wouldn't that be a great film? Or, like - you'll love this - if you tried to only use one cent pieces for, like, a year, see what scrapes that got you in, huh?

MORGAN: One cent pieces?

AGENT: Yeah. "Hold on, Mr cab driver, I'm a madman for the copper coins". We could call it Penny For The Guy. Or Cent To Try Us. Or...whatever, we can work on the title later. How does that grab you?

MORGAN: It doesn't really address any meaningful issues. I like to look at real problems in my work.

AGENT: Problems, got you. Well, here's another idea. You did the thing where you only ate McDonald's food. How about we swap it over? You eat all the normal stuff, but try not defecate for as long as possible. Morgan Spurlock sees how long he can keep from going to the bathroom: oops, what sort of troubles will this madcap scheme get him into? Ker-ching!!

MORGAN: We're not doing No Shit Spurlock! We've been through this before! Why must you always try to force me down this idiotic path?

AGENT: Well, that's what you do. It's why I signed you as my client. The funny bet man. You're the guy who only eats burgers, you're the guy who goes round the Isle Of Wight carrying an oven, and plays snooker with the Latvian Eurovision guys.

MORGAN: Do you actually know who I am?

AGENT: I know who you are, son! You're the act I'm tied to who had one big hit but never delivered again. Plus you never followed up on all that skateboarding stuff. I don't run an agency along those lines. You're finished! You like that, huh? Make a film about that serious problem, kid, because you're fired! I need consistent winners, not one trick ponies.

MORGAN: Fine by me!

AGENT: Good riddance. Oh, and send in Tasmin Archer as you're going out, would you?


Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 5th May 2016, 8:46am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,561 posts

Masterchef asked 3,000 priests, What's the tastiest spice? They all said Emma Bunton. Must be the pigtails.



  • Thursday 5th May 2016, 10:35am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,113 posts

Slarnder for me - also, slightly perturbed that this is where Michael's mind goes when the theme is Food & Drink :O