British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 2 - 10.4.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 2nd April 2016, 11:26am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Phwoarsome stuff again so congratulations to TIGGY for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Tiggy
Special mention: moi

Your next subject is MAGICIANS (suggested by Tiggy after that dwarf died).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Spanish geese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 10.4.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Gappy
2 - 25 - James
3 - 15 - Stylee Ting Ting, Tiggy
4 - 10 - me
5 - 5 - Playfull

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Tiggy

  • Sunday 3rd April 2016, 11:06am
  • Reading, England
  • 176 posts

I'm assuming you all know how the magic trick featured here is done BTW!

A MAGICIAN COMES ONTO THE STAGE LOOKING VERY TRADITIONAL. THERE IS A 'CUTTING IN HALF' BOX ON STAGE, END ON TO THE AUDIENCE/US. IT HAS A 'CUTTING LINE IN THE MIDDLE, AND LOTS OF LITTLE COVERED HOLES TO POKE HANDS AND THINGS OUT OF.

THE GREAT IAN: And for my first trick...

MAN IN AUDIENCE: I'll do it!

IAN:...I'll need a volunteer from the audience.

AWKWARD PAUSE.

MAN: I'll do it!

IAN: Yes Sir, You! (Points)

THE MAN WALKS ONTO STAGE. IAN THE GREAT OPENS THE BOX'S LID.

IAN: Please climb inside my magical box of wonder.

MAN: I know I know. (Climbs in box)

IAN: We'll make sure you head is out...

IAN THE GREAT TURNS THE BOX ROUND SO WE SEE IT FROM THE SIDE. IT'S ABOUT 10 FEET LONG. IT'S ALSO VERY ROOMY LOOKING.

IAN: And now your feet. (The person in the bottom end of the box pokes their feet out) And your arms too.

ARMS COME OUT OF THE BOX FROM BELOW THE MIDDLE.

IAN: Arms in again!!! (Arms in)

IAN: Try again, just your TOP arms. (Person at the top end puts arms out)

IAN: Now we'll just test your reactions.

IAN THE GREAT PULLS OUT A FEATHER AND TICKLES THE FEET. THE FEET WRITHE AND THE MAN LAUGHS IN A VERY FALSE WAY. WHEN THE MAN STOPS LAUGHING WE HEAR LAUGHTER COMING FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX. IAN THE GREAT STOPS TICKLING AND ANGRILY SMACKS THE FEET, WHICH DISAPPEAR INTO THE BOX AGAIN. IAN WALKS TOWARDS THE MAN'S HEAD.

IAN: If you could just poke your feet out again. (The man puts HIS feet out of holes above the cut line) Feet in again!!! (Feet in)

IAN: Feet out THE BOTTOM please Sir. (One foot comes out) Both feet please. (Nothing) BOTH feet please!!! (Both men put both feet out) In again!! (Feet in) Now just feet out the BOTTOM of the box.

THREE FEET COME OUT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX. IAN THE GREAT IS CONFUSED.

IAN: Feet in! (Feet in) And TWO feet out.

ONE FOOT COMES OUT THE BOTTOM AND ONE COMES OUT THE SAME HOLE AS THE MAN'S HEAD.

IAN: Feet in! (Annoyed) (Feet go in)

IAN: And feet out. (Nothing) Feet out!!! (Angry) (Nothing) Stick out your feet now!!!!

AT LEAST 7 LEGS COME OUT OF THE BOX FROM EVERY DIRECTION

IAN: Feet in!!!!!!!!!! (Furious)(Feet go in)

IAN THE GREAT LOUDLY WHISPERS INTO THE BOX.

IAN: Right you pain in the arse, we'll try again and if it doesn't go right I'll switch this trick to the box of swords.

IAN THE GREAT WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE BOX TO ADDRESS THE AUDIENCE.

IAN: I can only apologise for the few teething troubles that have become apparent in this trick. It's a new box I've recently had made and some of the...er...hinges are a bit stiff, but I, Ian The Great shall overcome! I shall triumph over any adversary to achieve what you may well think is impossible. To cut in half a living and breathing human being...

DURING THE LONG WINDED SPEECH LOTS OF LEGS HAVE COME THROUGH HOLES IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX AND IT STARTED WALKING OFF STAGE. IAN THE GREAT NOTICES IT AND GRABS HOLD BUT IT JUST DRAGS HIM OFF TOO.

THE END.

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gappy

  • Monday 4th April 2016, 8:04pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

SFX: Zip undone. Wee wee flowing.

MAN 1: [Contented sigh]

SFX: Wee wee stops.

MAN 1: Hey, wow!

SFX: Door opening. Footsteps, another zip opening.

MAN 1: Hey, mate, look at this.

MAN 2: I think I'll just look straight ahead, thank you.

MAN 1: Not that, look at the door.

MAN 2: Which door?

MAN 1: The secret door!

MAN 2: Which one?

MAN 1: That one right there. To my left. Can you see it?

MAN 2: I can. Yet I'm wondering, if it's secret, whether I should be able to.

MAN 1: Yeah, OK, point taken. But, it's still pretty secret. It's small.

MAN 2: And that makes it secret, does it?

MAN 1: I reckon.

MAN 2: In the way a piccolo is a secret flute?

MAN 1: Yeah, or a chihuahua is a secret dog. I mean, this door here, it's like a foot shorter than most doors and that means...hey! It has no handle!

MAN 2: Hmmm.

MAN 1: Secreter and secreter. What do you think could possibly be behind this little handleless mystery magical micro-door?

MAN 2: Mops.

MAN 1: I don't think that. I think it's got elves behind it.

MAN 2: Do you?

MAN 1: Oh, yes. A secret door, just hidden away here -

MAN 2: In plain sight.

MAN 1: - who else would go through it but elves? To reach their enchanted realm.

MAN 2: Right next to the urinals?

MAN 1: Yes. It's OK. It's not like it's in the urinals. That would be horrible, and not enchanting at all.

MAN 2: A door in a urinal would be unpleasant, granted.

MAN 1: Yeah, very poor breed of elf would use that. But not this one, I bet it's stuffed full of elves.

MAN 2: It isn't, it's just mops.

MAN 1: Fairy mops?

MAN 2: Just mops. And paper towels. Some Ajax. I've seen inside it.

MAN 1: Are you an elf?

MAN 2: I'm a barman.

MAN 1: In a gnome's waystation?

MAN 2: In this pub.

MAN 1: Right. And so, as the Magical Director of this pub you know the password to the midnight land of...

MAN 2: So I've got a key. Which can open this slightly small door. To a cupboard. Of mops.

MAN 1: Oh. Right. That does make sense, now you say it. [Saddened] It's just, it looked so magic.

MAN 2: Of course it did. Never mind. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to have a piddle.

MAN 1: Yeah, course. Sorry to trouble you. Bye.

SFX: Pause. Sound of urinal flushing.

MAN 1: A waterfall? Indoors! What a giveaway. Show me your magicians' dell, o crepuscular sprite!

MAN 2: [Beat] Yeah, alright then. But don't tread on my toadstools or I'll bloody do you.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 6th April 2016, 6:03pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,702 posts

Celebs working for African famine. All those sad-eyed, skinny, pathetic individuals... And that's just Debbie McGee.

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Otterfox

  • Thursday 7th April 2016, 4:14pm [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

INT. DAPPER ELDERLY MANS LARGE HOUSE. DAY.

BARRY:
Hello sir, I'm journalist Barry Harp. I'm sure you've heard of me.

OLD MAN:
No.

BARRY:
Probably just gone a bit deaf. Anyway I've graced your house today as I'm working on a yearbook of all the old codg- pensioners in the locality. I'm sure you have a few stories to tell.

OLD MAN:
Nope. Nothing.

BARRY:
Come on, were you in a war; did you play a sport; achieve some magical feat.

OLD MAN:
(INTEREST PERKED) Magic? The best magicians I ever saw was Melbrook Fantasu. They were the best he ever was magicianwise - ever?

BARRY:
And whose the other one?

OLD MAN:
The other one what?

BARRY:
You keep referring to magicians. Whose the second one?

OLD MAN:
The second one was the one and only Melbrook Fantasu.

BARRY:
So he was two magicians?

OLD MAN:
Exactly right. It was his final act on his final night. Turned himself into two. Some say he was only half a man after that night and he never magicked again.

BARRY:
Oh come on, dividing into two? It's all smoke and mirrors.

OLD MAN:
He did that one too. The first person to turn smoke into mirrors. He can't be bested.

BARRY:
What about Houdini?

OLD MAN:
Houdini? He wasn't fit to tie the laces on his straitjacket. Speaking of straitjackets, Melbrook once tied himself into one in less than ten seconds. He then escaped back out of it even quicker. The best part was that his hands were tied the whole time.

BARRY:
Seriously! It was obviously just a fake knot on the rope.

OLD MAN:
There was no rope.

BARRY:
Handcuffs, whatever.

OLD MAN:
No handcuffs either. He had knotted his fingers together.

BARRY:
Impossible.

OLD MAN:
That's what I'm telling you, he could do the impossible. Did you ever see someone walk on nothing?

BARRY:
You mean lie down?

OLD MAN:
No I do not mean lying down, I mean hovering two feet above the ground walking on clear air as fresh as the air I now breathe.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY AND COUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY.

OLD MAN:
Good God! Your cologne smells like horses earwax.

BARRY:
Excuse me, I got it in a specialised perfumery, Walton & Mables.

OLD MAN:
Walton & Stables more like, it's rotten.

BARRY:
There's something wrong with your nose mate!

OLD MAN:
Ah The Nose of Nowhere, another trick that-

BARRY:
Look!...So what happened to this genius of men? Why is he not lauded from the highest heights?

OLD MAN:
He performed the ultimate disappearing act by managing to eradicate all traces of himself from history.

BARRY:
So how do you know about him?

KNOWING LOOK ON OLD MANS FACE WITH A TWINKLE IN HIS EYE.

LONG BEAT.

BARRY:
You're not suggesting that you're him?

CONTINUED KNOWING LOOK.

OLD MAN:
All I'll say to you is this; see this pedal - used to cycle horses around a stage. And this hat here, that was pulled out of a rabbit. Trees were turned into magnets-

BARRY:
Absolutely ridiculous! You're just naming random objects and ascribing outlandish and crazy feats to them. You're insane.

OLD MAN:
You see this burst ball. It's what's known as a future ball. It's actually not burst at all yet but a few minutes from now BOOM! It can foretell a future burst.

BARRY STANDS UP.

BARRY:
Wasting my time. I'm weeks behind as it is and you've wasted my whole bloody morning on cycling horses, knotted fingers and balls that can tell the bloody future!

HE STORMS OUT THE DOOR AND DOWN THE STEPS. HE SEES A MAN TENDING TO THE GARDEN. IT LOOKS TO BE THE SAME OLD MAN.

BARRY:
Hey! Wha-? How did-? No, no, no, no, no.

BARRY SITS INTO HIS CAR AND SCREECHES AWAY. A BALL RUNS UNDER THE CAR AND BURSTS. HE SWERVES AND DRIVES INTO A TREE.

BARRY:
A magnet tree! What the hell is going on? Someone get me out of here!

HIS DOOR OPENS AND TWO PAIRS OF HANDS WITH KNOTTED FINGERS REACH IN TO PULL HIM OUT.

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scratchyr

  • Thursday 7th April 2016, 4:29pm
  • southend on sea, England
  • 1,518 posts

INT. THEATRE STAGE.

A MAGICIAN is waving his wand over an upturned HAT.

MAGICIAN:
Alakazam

HAT:
The magic word you have entered is incorrect. Make sure you are using the correct magic word for this account.

MAGICIAN:
No. It's definitely, Alakazam

HAT:
Nope.

MAGICIAN:
Alakasham

HAT:
The magic word you have entered is incorrect. Magic words are case sensitive.

MAGICIAN:
Alakazam with a capital zed.

HAT:
Would you like to reset your magic word?

MAGICIAN:
Fine. Yes, go on then.

HAT:
Enter your email address to reset your magic word.

MAGICIAN:
sleight of hand sixty four at wand mail dot com.

HAT:
Please enter your new password.

MAGICIAN:
Alakazam

HAT:
You cannot use a previous password as your new password.

MAGICIAN:
Erm...Sim Sala Bim.

HAT:
Thank you. Your new magic word has been created.

The MAGICIAN composes himself and then waves his wand over the hat again.

MAGICIAN:
Sim Sam Bala.

HAT:
You have no new rabbits. This hat is empty.

END

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gappy

  • Monday 11th April 2016, 1:26pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Strong week, well played, everyone. Can't decide between Tiggy's strange visual image, and Scratchy's very elegant little sketch. I'll go for...Tiggy.

Special mention to Stylee for the cartoon. Not sure I understand it, but I love the way it looks like a TSB advert printed in a 1985 edition of Smash Hits.

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Tiggy

  • Monday 11th April 2016, 5:15pm
  • Reading, England
  • 176 posts

Scratchy for me this week.

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scratchyr

  • Tuesday 12th April 2016, 10:12am
  • southend on sea, England
  • 1,518 posts

Thoroughly enjoyed Otterfox's and marvelled at how he tied all together, but voting for Gappy as loved this exchange:

MAN 1: Yeah, OK, point taken. But, it's still pretty secret. It's small.

MAN 2: And that makes it secret, does it?

MAN 1: I reckon.

MAN 2: In the way a piccolo is a secret flute?

MAN 1: Yeah, or a chihuahua is a secret dog...

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Otterfox

  • Tuesday 12th April 2016, 11:46am
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,028 posts

Enjoyed lots this week. Tiggy and Scratchyr were standouts but Gappy pips it for me with his interesting take on little doors in public toilets.