A MAN SITS BEHIND A DESK. BEHIND HIM ARE LOTS OF RETRO COMPUTERS WITH REELS OF TAPES, FLASHING LIGHTS AND OTHER OLD SHIT. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
MR DESKMAN: Come in!
MR MAN COMES IN AND SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR ACROSS THE DESK. HE IS A WEEDY CIVIL SERVANT LOOKING PERSON. GREASY HAIR AND A SNIFF.
MR DESKMAN: Please sit down.
MR MAN: I'm already sitting down.
MR DESKMAN: (Does a double take) That was quick! All the more useful for your future of course.
MR MAN: So you've analyzed all the data I gave you and you've worked out my ideal profession?
MR DESKMAN: Yes I have.
MR MAN: And you're going to tell me?
MR DESKMAN: Yes I am.
MR MAN: Well, go on then.
MR DESKMAN. That's the kind of forward, go-getting attitude that makes you perfect for the role our automatic computation devices, or "Computers" (Does speech mark finger thing), have calculated for you.
MR MAN: Which is?
MR DESKMAN: It's been decided...
MR MAN: Yes?
MR DESKMAN: That your ideal job...
MR MAN: Yes?!
MR DESKMAN: Is...
MR MAN: Is?!?!
MR DESKMAN: Murderer.
MR MAN: What?!!!
MR DESKMAN: A murderer. You'd make a really great murderer Mr Man.
MR MAN: A murderer?
MR DESKMAN: That's what our "Computers" (Finger thing) say, and our computers never lie. They're frequently wrong, but they never lie. The wonderful world of murder lays before you like...a sleeping old person you're just about to strangle.
MR MAN: But I can't kill people!
MR DESKMAN: Oh I think we know best Mr Man. You have the steely eyes, beady legs and child baring elbows of a natural born killer.
MR MAN: But I just couldn't.
MR DESKMAN: Couldn't? Not after last time?
MR MAN: What last time?
MR DESKMAN: Surely with your talents and skills and extremely violent disposition you've already done some murdering in your spare time?
MR MAN: No. Never?
MR DESKMAN: Ever killed a French person? That still counts as murder.
MR MAN: No.
MR DESKMAN: What about a child? Ever killed a child?
MR MAN: No! That's even worse!
MR DESKMAN: How can murdering somebody little be worse than murdering somebody big? There's far less skill involved.
MR MAN: Well it is. I have never murdered anybody. EVER!
MR DESKMAN: Then I suppose you can't wait to get started!
MR MAN: No! I can't. It's illegal.
MR DESKMAN: I believe it's one of those grey areas.
MR MAN: Grey areas?
MR DESKMAN: If you take away vital benefits to people who rely on them and they commit suicide, isn't that a bit murderish?
MR MAN: Very satirical, but that's politics, not murder.
MR DESKMAN: What if you start off slowly.
MR MAN: Slowly?
MR DESKMAN: Slowly. Start by gently stabbing somebody until they're just a bit poorly.
MR MAN: Slowly.
MR DESKMAN: Then your next victim you lightly shoot. Just a bit.
MR MAN: I could do that.
MR DESKMAN: Poison somebody, but then call an ambulance for them.
MR MAN: All those sirens...sounds quite exciting!
MR DESKMAN: That's the spirit Mr Man!
MR MAN: Then I could work my way up to bludgeoning people to death with a baseball bat. My heart is beating like mad just at the thought of it!
MR DESKMAN: Brilliant.
MR MAN: I think I'd need some kind of motive though. Just until I get the hang of it.
MR DESKMAN: That'll be £500 please.
MR MAN: That's the sort of thing.
MR MAN PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS MR DESKMAN.
MR MAN TURNS TO THE CAMERA.
MR MAN: Have you ever considered the exciting possibilities in murder? The world needs more murders to keep pace with the demand from tabloid newspapers and late night true crime shows. If you're interested in murder as a profession, apply in any remote parkland, dark alley, or in an ordinary house when they least expect it. Sleep tight. (Creepy wink).