British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 22 - 30.3.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 22nd March 2016, 9:23pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Phwoarsome stuff again so congratulations to TIGGY for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Tiggy
1 - 5 - Stylee TingTing, Gappy

Your next subject is CRIMINALS (suggested by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Spanish geese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 30.3.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - James, Gappy
2 - 15 - Stylee Ting Ting
3 - 10 - Tiggy, me
4 - 5 - Playfull

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gappy

  • Thursday 24th March 2016, 11:17am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

[Scene of HENCHMEN hard at work over little desks, in deep concentration, like school children, tongues stuck out, etc. BOSS enters]

BOSS: So how's this ransom note coming then lads?

[HENCHMAN 1 approaches. Focus on traditional ransom note, made from letters cut from magazines. HENCHMAN 1 is grinning proudly]

BOSS: Not bad, not bad at all.

HENCHMAN 1: I used letters cut out from the paper, like you said.

BOS: Yes. You did. But, looking closer you've done them all out of the same paper.

HENCHMAN 1: Is that bad?

B: It is when it's a newsletter for your local bowls club, yes. Makes it a little easier to start tracing you. Especially as you edit it. Still, it's alright for a first go, keep at it.

[Moves to HENCHMAN 2, who has one of those kids' painting overall thingies on, and is covered in paint]

BOSS: So what's your approach then, Knuckles?

HENCHMAN 2: I'm using potatoes, boss, to stamp paint into paper.

BOSS: Good idea, let's have a look then.

[Focus on paper with basic shapes - squares, triangles, circles etc badly stamped into it]

BOSS: Is it in code?

HENCHMAN 2: No, it's in acrylic.

BOSS: Hmmm.

[Moves to HENCHMAN 3, who is gluing macaroni to paper to make a little picture of a girl]

BOSS: Yeah, not exactly what I had in mind.

HENCHMAN 3: Couldn't we send it anyway?

BOSS: No. It doesn't really get the ransom message across; plus, you've signed it.

HENCHMAN 3: [Downhearted] Oh.

BOSS: But you can put it on the fridge, if you like.

[HENCHMAN 3 celebrates, mouthing "Yes!" and punching the air. Cut to slow pan across fridge and kitchen cupboards, all of which have childish drawings and so on of gangsterish activities, guns, piles of cash, that sort of thing. "Left Bank", from Vision On is playing]

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Tiggy

  • Friday 25th March 2016, 11:33am [Edited]
  • Reading, England
  • 192 posts

A MAN SITS BEHIND A DESK. BEHIND HIM ARE LOTS OF RETRO COMPUTERS WITH REELS OF TAPES, FLASHING LIGHTS AND OTHER OLD SHIT. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

MR DESKMAN: Come in!

MR MAN COMES IN AND SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR ACROSS THE DESK. HE IS A WEEDY CIVIL SERVANT LOOKING PERSON. GREASY HAIR AND A SNIFF.

MR DESKMAN: Please sit down.

MR MAN: I'm already sitting down.

MR DESKMAN: (Does a double take) That was quick! All the more useful for your future of course.

MR MAN: So you've analyzed all the data I gave you and you've worked out my ideal profession?

MR DESKMAN: Yes I have.

MR MAN: And you're going to tell me?

MR DESKMAN: Yes I am.

PAUSE.

MR MAN: Well, go on then.

MR DESKMAN. That's the kind of forward, go-getting attitude that makes you perfect for the role our automatic computation devices, or "Computers" (Does speech mark finger thing), have calculated for you.

MR MAN: Which is?

MR DESKMAN: It's been decided...

MR MAN: Yes?

MR DESKMAN: That your ideal job...

MR MAN: Yes?!

MR DESKMAN: Is...

MR MAN: Is?!?!

MR DESKMAN: Murderer.

MR MAN: What?!!!

MR DESKMAN: A murderer. You'd make a really great murderer Mr Man.

MR MAN: A murderer?

MR DESKMAN: That's what our "Computers" (Finger thing) say, and our computers never lie. They're frequently wrong, but they never lie. The wonderful world of murder lays before you like...a sleeping old person you're just about to strangle.

MR MAN: But I can't kill people!

MR DESKMAN: Oh I think we know best Mr Man. You have the steely eyes, beady legs and child baring elbows of a natural born killer.

MR MAN: But I just couldn't.

MR DESKMAN: Couldn't? Not after last time?

MR MAN: What last time?

MR DESKMAN: Surely with your talents and skills and extremely violent disposition you've already done some murdering in your spare time?

MR MAN: No. Never?

MR DESKMAN: Ever killed a French person? That still counts as murder.

MR MAN: No.

MR DESKMAN: What about a child? Ever killed a child?

MR MAN: No! That's even worse!

MR DESKMAN: How can murdering somebody little be worse than murdering somebody big? There's far less skill involved.

MR MAN: Well it is. I have never murdered anybody. EVER!

PAUSE

MR DESKMAN: Then I suppose you can't wait to get started!

MR MAN: No! I can't. It's illegal.

MR DESKMAN: I believe it's one of those grey areas.

MR MAN: Grey areas?

MR DESKMAN: If you take away vital benefits to people who rely on them and they commit suicide, isn't that a bit murderish?

MR MAN: Very satirical, but that's politics, not murder.

MR DESKMAN: What if you start off slowly.

MR MAN: Slowly?

MR DESKMAN: Slowly. Start by gently stabbing somebody until they're just a bit poorly.

MR MAN: Slowly.

MR DESKMAN: Then your next victim you lightly shoot. Just a bit.

MR MAN: I could do that.

MR DESKMAN: Poison somebody, but then call an ambulance for them.

MR MAN: All those sirens...sounds quite exciting!

MR DESKMAN: That's the spirit Mr Man!

MR MAN: Then I could work my way up to bludgeoning people to death with a baseball bat. My heart is beating like mad just at the thought of it!

MR DESKMAN: Brilliant.

MR MAN: I think I'd need some kind of motive though. Just until I get the hang of it.

MR DESKMAN: That'll be £500 please.

MR MAN: That's the sort of thing.

MR MAN PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS MR DESKMAN.

MR MAN TURNS TO THE CAMERA.

MR MAN: Have you ever considered the exciting possibilities in murder? The world needs more murders to keep pace with the demand from tabloid newspapers and late night true crime shows. If you're interested in murder as a profession, apply in any remote parkland, dark alley, or in an ordinary house when they least expect it. Sleep tight. (Creepy wink).

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 26th March 2016, 9:29am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Again, this'll only make sense to fans but like the constipated African, I don't give a shit.

HOOK, CRIME AND STINKER

A rare interview with rock's shy, retiring Hookster

Pay to download it HERE or read it for free all over the f**king Net

Hi, Hooky! I've just extricated my tongue from your arsehole long enough to ask a coupla questions...

F**k off you c**t.
Well your 39616395274-word autobiography, 'F**k Off C**ts', is out between next week and Autumn 2086...
How'd you know that?
I'm writing it.
Oh yeah. What'm I like?... You see, the problems began when Ian was born. And me. And Bernard. Bastards. I hate all of us. Things were all right before that. It was like someone snatched the prize off yer before you won it so you said I'm gonna lose it again. Who buys vinyl anyway?
Mmmm...
I think people respected New Order because we stayed with Factory and Manchester without money or interviews, which is why we went to London and London and became millionires and told interviewers about it. People respect that too... When I hear New Order now, it makes me sad so I have to cheer myself up by playing these New Order songs live. I guess I'm lucky to have New Order so I can forget about New Order. I could get sad. I don't want to have anything to do with New Order, just play every New Order song. I'm angry that New Order are touring too, I'd never do that. I prefer worldwide live gigs to international concert performances.
How do you get on with them now?
I hate them. You see, I love New Order. I despise Bernard Morris, Stephen Wilson and Gillian Gretton and have tremendous respect for all of them. The next album was shit and I can't wait to play it live. It was okay until 2042's Repubelick, which was great as Bernard and Stephen Hague kept it a classic New Order album, then Stephen Hague and Bernard got involved and it just didn't sound like New Order. I honestly don't think Gillian Morris would've been involved either if I wasn't married to her and she hadn't hung himself in the kitchen on 31 February 1942. Also she's black and I think Tony was worried Granada would think he's homophobic. That's important to us Mancunians. We just don't care!
Any final memories?
Yeah, we were playing Sister Heat in East Uranus on 95 December 1907 and Gillian wanted to sing White Ray three times. Unfortunately her bass-playing was so bad Ian Albrecht threw up all seven times and Kim Dicken divorced her all four times. Fortunately I was strumming electric dums on Atmosphere Will Get Us Away With It with Johnny Gillespie from The Stone Smiths and Jack Savile, my daughter, so the crowds were all right.
Thank you, Hooky. I hope that's set the record straight.
F**k off.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 31st March 2016, 8:15am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Mass murderer is bored. He has 5 hours to kill... Liked Tiggy but Gappy just pips it.

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gappy

  • Thursday 31st March 2016, 8:36am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

I definitely see where Michael is coming from, but I think it's Tiggy for me this week.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 31st March 2016, 8:41am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts
Quote: gappy @ 31st March 2016, 8:36 AM BST

I definitely see where Michael is coming from.

So does my wife. Don't encourage me.

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Tiggy

  • Thursday 31st March 2016, 3:11pm
  • Reading, England
  • 192 posts

I would have loved to have written Gappy's. I'll go for that one.

A lots quieter round these parts nowadays, innit?

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gappy

  • Thursday 31st March 2016, 3:55pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 31st March 2016, 8:41 AM BST

So does my wife. Don't encourage me.

Ahem! "Please try to post just your entry/vote"

Laughing out loud

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 31st March 2016, 5:27pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

I don't understand the invisible man when he ejaculates. I just don't see where he's coming from.