British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 10 - 18.3.16

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 10th March 2016, 7:45pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

Phwoarsome stuff again so congratulations to GAPPY for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Stylee TingTing, Playfull, James, me

Your next subject is SCIENCE-FACTION (suggested by Stylee TingTing).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 18.3.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - James
2 - 20 - Gappy
3 - 10 - Stylee TingTing, me
4 - 5 - Playfull

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gappy

  • Sunday 13th March 2016, 11:41am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

OK, about to post my sketch, and I've just noticed it's Science Faction, not Science Fiction. Whatever that means. I'm not writing another, anyway. Laughing out loud

LEADER: [Alien voice - 70s Dr Who, all slow, raspy and malevolent] Is all in place to begin the scheme?

SNARGLE: [Same voice] Yes, my lord.

LEADER: How long until the detonation device is ready to function?

SNARGLE: 25 Earth minutes.

LEADER: [Quietly] Minutes. [Standard] And then how long until those ignorant worms the humans are entirely annihilated?

SNARGLE: [Relish] A mere 17 Earth minutes, sir.

LEADER: Minutes, Snargle.

SNARGLE: Pardon me, sir?

LEADER: [Speed up speech to normal rate from here] Minutes, not "Earth minutes". Just minutes. There's no need to specify Earth minutes. We're on Earth. Only the Earth has minutes.

SNARGLE: Oh! I see. You mean we don't need to say "Earth minutes" because our race don't use them?

LEADERR: Correct.

SNARGLE: We don't have minutes on our home planet of Pnang.

LEADER: Just Pnang! I know it's our home planet! I'm not likely to forget that, am I? I know where minutes come from and I know where I live! Just leave out the adjectival irrelevance, alright? It's not really military.

SNARGLE: Sorry, my lord. Shall I tell you about the explosion?

LEADER: Oh, yes! Tell me the vast radius of the blast that shall destroy the ignorant Earthling worms!

SNARGLE: 380 Earth miles! [Beat] Miles, I meant just normal miles! [Beat] Not normal, stupid; stupid abnormal Earth miles - but there's no need to specify the Earth bit. That's taken as read.

LEADER: For Plaark's sake, Snargle! Why do you even have to use miles at all? What's wrong with good old fashioned Pnang Feltrometers? It's really confusing doing the calculations in my head when you say miles. Why must you insist on using this filthy Earthling terminology?

SNARGHLE: Well, you're the one who started speaking English.

LEADER: I know! But I thought we could all learn English as a way into the mindset of our human enemies.

SNARGLE: You said they were ignorant worms. Not much to be learnt by thinking like ignorant worms, is there? Erm, sir.

LEADER: Shut up! Just use feltrometers from now on. [Pause] Actually, no, you can carry on using miles...they're probably actually better. It is quite useful to have a unit of measurement that is standardised, isn't it?

SNARGLE: Unlike ours, which is variable, because it's based on the length of the grand vizier's flurglewhacker, which can vary with altitude and mood? Yes, I always thought so. So, we'll keep miles.

LEADER: Yes. And, pounds. Money. That decimalisation thing is much, much easier than anything to do with square roots.

SNARGLE: And names, Sir?

LEADER: Oh, yes! I forgot that one. It really is handy to give everyone a different name, much less confusing than when everyone's called Snargle, Snargle.

SNARGLE: Yes, Lord Snargle. And shall we keep the numbers too?

LEADER: Oh, yes, we might as well. To be honest, when all the numbers are called Stwag, it's a bit of a mess. And it actually makes the feltrometer calculation all but impossible, even if the grand vizier's flurglewhacker is right in front of your face. But, still, that's it, everything else on Earth is valueless and we must destroy the miserable human worms!

SNARGLE: Right you are, sir.

LEADER: Aaargh! Thwunk me, Snargle, what in the name of Crudge is that on the scanner-o-visor-screen-o-scope?

SNARGLE: That? That's a human, sir. One of the paltry human worms!

LEADER: Oh. Ah. They, erm, they look quite tough actually. And pretty smart too. Perhaps we won't try to, err, attack them with an army of just 6, after all.

SNARGLE: Oh. Fair enough. What did you think they looked like, sir?

LEADER: Little, sort of squishy long stretched out fellers. Sticky. No thumbs or suchlike. Crawl about the mud.

SNARGE: I think you're thinking of worms.

LEADER: Oh! Do you know, Snargle, I think I can see how that problem arose.

SNARGLE: [Under breath] Stupid flurglewhacker.

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Tiggy

  • Wednesday 16th March 2016, 10:21am [Edited]
  • Reading, England
  • 192 posts

THE CREW ENTER THE TRANSPORTER ROOM AND STAND ON THE GLOWING DISCS. THERE ARE 5 OF THEM. THEY TALK IN ORDER FROM LEFT TO RIGHT AND IN CLOSE UP WITH ONLY THE PERSON TALKING VISIBLE. THE FIRST MATE AND THE FIFTH PERSON ARE MALE. THE REST ARE YOUR CHOICE.

CAPTAIN:
5 to beam across to Space Station Wombat.

FIRST MATE:
I hope they're OK with us.

THIRD PERSON:
Why are you asking that?

FORTH PERSON:
Well, we have been referring to them as Station Wom-FAT ever since we were in the star system.

FIFTH PERSON:
They'll be fine.

THE STANDARD SPECIAL EFFECT HAPPENS AND WE SEE THE CAPTAIN IN CLOSE UP IN THE TRANSPORTER ROOM OF SPACE STATION WOMBAT. THE CAMERA GOES FROM LEFT TO RIGHT AS THE CREW TALKS AGAIN.

THE CAPTAIN HAS THE WORD TWAT ON HIS HEAD.

CAPTAIN:
We're here!

THE FIRST MATE IS DRESSED IN DENIM HOTPANTS AND TINY TANK-TOP.

FIRST MATE:
And you're sure they're OK with us?

THE THIRD PERSON HAS THE LEGS AND TAIL OF A DOG.

THIRD PERSON.
I think they're happy. I'm happy. (Tail starts wagging)

THE FORTH PERSON HAS A LARGE TEAPOT FOR A HEAD.

FORTH PERSON:
Are you guys sure they've not...done anything?

THE FIFTH PERSON IS NOW A SEXY LADY IN A BIKINI. THE VOICE IS THE MALE VOICE THAT WAS USED BEFORE.

FIFTH MAN:
I'm feeling better than ever. Come on, let's go!

WE SEE A WIDE SHOT OF THE CREW ALL LEAVING THE TRANSPORTER ROOM.

THE END

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 18th March 2016, 4:31pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,553 posts

It's been scientifically proven pornography is addictive. Lucky scientists.

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gappy

  • Saturday 19th March 2016, 11:00am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,112 posts

Props to Stylee for the filth, but I like visualising Tiggy's images more.

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Tiggy

  • Sunday 20th March 2016, 12:27am
  • Reading, England
  • 192 posts

Gappy.

It reminded me of my favourite bad film. The heroine needed a spacey name so they called her Stella Star, and there were lots of references to space computers and galactic chairs and stuff.

It's called Star Crash. It's a cheap knock off of Star Wars. The best actor is a young David Hasselhoff. Look for it on YouTube.

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playfull

  • Thursday 24th March 2016, 10:03pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,916 posts

Too late to count but Tiggy would have got my vote just for the concept.

though liked Gappy's -

SNARGLE: [Under breath] Stupid flurglewhacker.

as I know a few Stupid flurglewhackers.