Sorry this a bit long. I wrote it for a family get together on Saturday. We all performed it as a 'Radio' play into a fake period BBC microphone, complete with bits of costume and a variety of items for someone to do the FX with. The jokes all creaked as they came out but it was great fun!
As it took me bloody hours to write (over three evenings) I thought why not put it here.
DEATH AT
FECKHAM HALL
A one act PLAY for radio
1933
CHARACTERS
Colonel Mustard 60's Blustering Military Type
Rev Green 40's Naive has Authentic Period Tourette's.
Professor Plum 50's Has German accent.
Miss Scarlet 20's Super sexy vamp. (Think Fenella Fielding)
Mrs White 50's The cook, talks in a friendly country accent.
Mrs Peacock 30's 'Lady Peacock' very posh.
Dr Black Very old, Hall owner, rich, unpleasant and dead
Inspector Hardstaff 40's Not bright, more Hancock than Sherlock
Judge Balls 90's senile old duffer
The Announcer Very suave, very period BBC Voice.
ANNOUNCER: Good evening and welcome to the BBC home service Saturday evening murder mystery play entitled. 'Murder at Feckham Hall'.
FX BAH BAH BAHHHH!
We join the guests gathered in the ballroom at Feckham Hall where wealthy magnet magnet Dr Black has promised an announcement regarding whom might inherit his magnificent magnet empire.
ALL: (MAKE SOUNDS OF PARTY CHATTER/LAUGHTER OVER FX)
FX TINCKLING AND CHINKING GLASSES.
ANNOUNCER: (ASIDE) Thrilling isn't it? Outside the thunder ...
FX THUNDER SOUND
ANNOUNCER: ...and lightning...
FX SWITCH LIGHTS ON AND OFF
ANNOUNCER: As this is Radio you will have to trust me about the lightning...
FX THUNDER AND LIGHTS ON AND OFF AT SAME TIME
ANNOUNCER: But it's very, very frightening. (PAUSE) We join Colonel Mustard and Mrs Peacock as they wonder what Dr Black is going to announce.
COLONEL MUSTARD: I wonder what Dr Black is going to announce, what, what?
MRS PEACOCK: Yes, I wonder that as well.
FX THUNDER & LIGHTNING
COLONEL MUSTARD: Bally impressive thunder!
MRS PEACOCK: And equally impressive lightning I feel I should add.
COLONEL MUSTARD: Ah, here is Mrs White.
MRS WHITE: Hello Colonel my dearie, how are you a doing?
COLONAL MUSTARD: Tip top Mrs White, tip top. Have you met Mrs Peacock?
MRS WHITE: No I don't think I have me Dearie...
FX SOUND OF LEAD PIPE HITTING FLOOR
MRS WHITE: Oh dear, you have dropped your lead pipe.
MRS PEACOCK: Oh bugger, yes.
MRS WHITE: Here hold my knife and I'll get it for you dearie.
MRS PEACOCK: Thank you. This is a cooks knife isn't it?
COLONEL MUSTARD: Yes, Mrs White is the head cook at Feckham Hall, and a jolly fine one too! You haven't lived until you have tasted her hairy pie what, what.
MRS WHITE: My hairy gooseberry pie.
MRS PEACOCK: Well that's a relief. Is it normal for the cook to mingle with the guests?
MRS WHITE: I don't know me dear, I haven't been in a play before. Here's your pipe Mrs Peacock.
MRS PEACOCK: Thank you. Allow me.
FX SOUND OF KNIFE BEING SHARPENED
MRS WHITE: Oh, thank e dearie. Me knife is lovely and sharp now.
MRS PEACOCK: My pleasure.
COLONEL MUSTARD: Is that why you carry the pipe Mrs Peacock?
MRS PEACOCK: What? Err...no. I carry it Colonel to remind me of my dear departed husband.
COLONEL MUSTARD: Which one?
MRS PEACOCK: All of them.
MRS WHITE: You have been married more than once?
MRS PEACOCK: Three times a widow alas.
MRS WHITE: Oh! That is terrible my dear.
MRS PEACOCK: Yes, tragically both my first two husbands died of mushroom poisoning.
MRS WHITE: How awful. What happened to the third husband.
MRS PEACOCK: He died from head injuries.
MRS WHITE: Oh dear, dear. What happened?
MRS PEACOCK: He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
MRS WHITE: Oh.
MRS PEACOCK: Good God here comes that tramp Miss Scarlet and that awful Reverend Green. Right I'm off, see you two later.
MISS SCARLETT: Well hello Colonel, have you got a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
COLONEL MUSTARD: Err, a gun actually...
MISS SCARLET: Oh, what a pity.
COLONEL MUSTARD: Always carry my bally service revolver Miss Scarlet. Especially to creepy old houses where after a sudden murder a will might need to be read. Can't be too bally careful what, what. Particularly when there is a thunder storm.
FX THUNDER
MRS WHITE: And the very impressive lightning...
FX LIGHTS ON AND OFF
REV GREEN: Very wise Colonel. Muffin!
COLONEL MUSTARD: Still suffering with the 'Period Appropriate Tourette's' I see vicar.
REV GREEN: Yes, Blast! We all have our crosses to Gobble Pipe! I mean crosses to bear.
MRS WHITE: My, my, that must be difficult during sermons, has it affected the congregation?
REV GREEN: Good grief no, the church has never been fuller, sweet patootie! The verger runs a book on how many expletives end up in the sermon bum hole! That's his name by the way, Derek Bumhole.
MISS SCARLET: I say vicar, you sound like you could do with a drink. Whisky ok?
REV GREEN: Feck yes. Err I mean yes...feck!
FX CORK OUT OF BOTTLE, SOUND OF DRINK POURING
MISS SCARLET: Ice?
REV GREEN: Please.
FX SOUND OF ICE PLOPPING INTO GLASS
MISS SCARLET: More Ice?
REV GREEN: Yes please.
FX SOUND OF ICE PLOPPING INTO GLASS
MISS SCARLET: Any more?
REV GREEN: No that is fine...ok then just a bit more.
FX SOUND OF ICE PLOPPING INTO GLASS
REV GREEN: Thank you. Giggle Juice!
FX SOUND OF BREAKING WIND
COLONEL MUSTARD: Good God sorry about that. Got a touch of the old India trouble coming on.
FX SOUND OF BREAKING WIND REPEATEDLY
COLONEL MUSTARD: Good job I tucked me moleskin trousers into me boots, what, what! Oh watch out there's a kraut about. Here comes Prof Plum.
PROF PLUM: Good God what is that schmell!
REV GREEN: Schmell? Poo Sticks!
PROF PLUM: Ya zat is it.
REV GREEN: Are you German Professor?
PROF PLUM: Nein! I am a Britisher born und bred.
MRS WHITE: And he is not a notorious poisoner either. Are you Professor?
PROF PLUM: Nein! Zey could not prove a thing! Nothing I tell you! Ahh, I zee you are ein cowboy fan wicker.
REV GREEN: Zorry? I mean sorry?
PROF PLUM: I zee you haf ein lasso hanging from your waist. No vait a minute it is not a lasso I see it is ein nooze.
REV GREEN: News??
PROF PLUM: Nein, ein nooze. You know for zee hangings.
REV GREEN: Els Hips ! Oh I see, the rope. It's just my hobby I like tying knots you zee. I mean see.
FX LONG - SOUND OF THUNDER
COLONEL MUSTARD: Sorry about that.
MRS PEACOCK: Ah Professor Plum how nice to see you again. Did you manage to get those mushrooms I am so fond of?
PROF PLUM: Ya here you are Mrs Peacock.
FX SOUND OF BAG OF MUSHROOMS BEING DROPPED
PROF PLUM: I must zay you look fantastich in zat dress Miss Scarlet.
MISS SCARLET: What this old thing? I just threw it on before I came out'
MRS WHITE: Yes and it looks like most of it missed. It is so low cut at the back I can nearly see your coxix.
COLONEL MUSTARD: Coxix? That reminds me of a native girl I met in Phuket.
REV GREEN: GAY!
MRS WHITE: Phraps a story for another time Colonel...
COLONEL MUSTARD: Most interesting girl, not only had an Adams apple but had a vagina the exact size and shape of a penis. She could gargle the whole of Colonel Bogie!
MRS WHITE: Oh dearie...there go our younger listeners...
ANNOUNCER: The BBC Home Service would like to apologise for any offence this broadcast may have caused... The very thought of having a member of staff mixing with the guests and a cook too...We re-join the guests later in the evening just as the saxophone solo is finishing and Dr Black is about to speak.
FX SOUND OF SAXAPHONE FADES OUT
MISS SCARLET: I do enjoy a good solo performance, don't you Reverend? I think I might applaud wildly.
FX SUSTAINED APPLAUSE
PROF PLUM: Mein Got how did you do zat Miss Scarlet you have a drink in von hand und a candleshtick in zee other!
MISS SCARLET: I used my buttocks Plummy. My buttock control is so good I could kneed bread with them.
FX TAPPING OF SPOON ON GLASS
DR BLACK: If I could have your attention. You all probably know why I have invited you here this evening. I don't have long to live and so I have decided to announce who I have chosen to inherit my magnet empire and vast...
REV GREEN: Piles!
DR BLACK: Indeed! Piles of money. The person I have chosen is...
FX SOUND OF LIGHTS GOING OFF.
MRS WHITE: Well blow me the lights have all gone off.
FX GUNSHOT, THEN SCREAM FOLLOWED BY SOUND OF LIGHTS GOING BACK ON
MRS WHITE: Oh good the lights back on.
(PAUSE)
DR BLACK: ...The person I have chosen is...
FX SOUND OF LIGHT SWITCH
MISS SCARLETT: Oh its gone dark again...
FX TWO GUNSHOTS FOLLOWED BY SCREAM AND LIGHT SWITCH NOISE
(PAUSE)
DR BLACK: ...It is going to be...
FX LIGHT SWITCH NOISE.
MRS WHITE: Dark again.
FX THREE GUN SHOTS
DR BLACK: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FX LIGHT SWITCH
MRS WHITE: And its light again.
PRF PLUM: Got in himmel. Dr Black has been stabbed!
MRS WHITE: Not surprising really, I expect the Colonel was running out of bullets.
MISS SCARLET: Wait look he has a noose around his neck.
REV GREEN: And there is a piece of bloody lead pipe next to him.
ALL: (ADLIB TALKING OVER EACH OTHER) Steady on old chap no need to swear, you can't say bloody on the radio... etc
COLONEL MUSTARD: Miss Scarlet! I say! The candlestick you're holding... its dripping blood!
MRS PEACOCK: Look...
FX SOUND OF BUBBLES
MRS PEACOCK: He's foaming at the mouth, I think he's been poisoned.
FX BAH BAH BAHHHHH!
ANNOUNCER: Well its moving along at a cracking pace now isn't it. Isn't radio fantastic! You can paint a picture using just your imagination.
MISS SCARLET: I can paint a picture using just by buttocks...
ANNOUNCER: We return to Feckham Hall Just as the police inspector is about to start questioning the guests.
FX TAPPING TRUNCHION ON TABLE
INSPECTOR: Right I'm about to question the guests. If I could have everyone's attention please. My Name is Inspector Hardstaff.
MISS SCARLET: Inspect a Hardstaff? Oooo sounds like my kind of game.
INSPECTOR: Ah, Miss Scarlett, where were you when the lights went out?
MISS SCARLET: I was sitting on Professor Plums right hand.
INSPECTOR: Is that correct professor?
PROFESSOR PLUM: Ya literally. She was demonstrating how she could remove my ring using only her buttocks.
INSPECTOR: I See. And you Mrs Peacock, where were you when the Dr was murdered?
MRS PEACOCK: I was trying to keep up wind of the Colonel.
FX BREAKING WIND SOUND
COLONEL MUSTARD: Sorry about that. Yes she had pitched her tent upwind so to speak. Nowhere near the Dr I'm afraid.
INSPECTOR: And where were you Mrs White?
MRS WHITE: Me dearie? I was with the Reverend playing Tourette's bingo. I only need a wank and two bollocks and I would have a full house.
INSPECTOR: Is that correct Reverend?
REV GREEN: Quiff!. Yes, that is correct.
INSPECTOR: In that case I suggest we all go through to the drawing room for the reading of the last will and testament of Dr Black, and see if that can throw some light on just who the murderer might be.
REV GREEN: Shouldn't we wait for the inquest or a lawyer or something?
INSPECTOR: Normally yes, but we have only got one act.
ANNOUNCER: Well just who do you think did the dirty deed listeners? My money is on Miss Scarlet, I have got her number, ding dong... And have you noticed...no butler! How frightfully modern... We now join our little gang of rascals as they are seated in the drawing room with the inspector, waiting for Dr Black's will to be read by his trusted old legal advisor, Judge Justice Balls.
COLONEL MUSTARD: Justice Balls, reminds me of a filly I met in Poonah...
MRS WHITE: Not now Colonel.
FX SOUND OF GAVEL BANGING ON DESK
JUDGE BALLS: Members of the jury we are gathered...
INSPECTOR: No me lord. You're not in court. You are at Feckham Hall remember? You are about to read Dr Blacks will.
JUDGE BALLS: Feckham Hall?
REV GREEN: Pitching woo! Judge, can't we bangtail! get on with it? Umm 'Feckham Hall' I must make a note of that one.
JUDGE BALLS: Right, right, let me see...
FX SOUND OF PAPERS BEING SORTED
JUDGE BALLS: Ahh, here we are, Miss whiplash, £3. 14s. 6d, all whips chains and restraints included, nappies extra. Oh, sorry that is a personal receipt.
FX SOUNDS OF PAPERS BEING SORTED. THEN SOUND OF BREAKING WIND
COLONEL MUSTARD: Sorry everyone. Could we hurry on to the inheritance please?
MRS PEACOCK: (COUGHS) Dear God yes, before we are all poisoned...
PROF PLUM: Zat was never proved. I vos innochent!
INSPECTOR: Quiet everyone. If you are quite ready Judge.
JUDGE BALLS: Here we are. This is the last will and testament of Dr Black...I will now break the seal on the document.
FX SNAPPING SOUND
JUDGE BALLS: Oh dear I think I might have snapped my wrist...
I Dr Black being of sound mind and body do hereby state this document is my legal and binding will. If you are all sitting here listening to senile old Judge Balls read this will I can only assume one of you has actually found the courage to kill me.
I thought something like this might happen so I invited the Inspector here tonight just in case.
INSPECTOR: Just as I thought.
JUDGE BALLS: I can see you all now, sitting there in greedy anticipation, my nearest living relatives... With your sweaty hands, sweaty brows and...
REVEREND GREEN: Betty Swallocks! Sorry.
JUDGE BALLS: I know you all thought I was mad. Well you can call me mad if you want...
ALL: (TOGETHER) Ok then, You're mad!
JUDGE BALLS: But then you have all always thought me mad haven't you?! When I invented the submersible life preserver you all called me mad. When I invented the silent piano you all laughed. When I invented the lace parachute you said I was mad and then laughed. You all told me to give up, that I would never make my fortune as an inventor. But then one day despite all your doubts and all your mockery... my father died and left me his vast fortune. That showed you all didn't it!!
ALL: (TOGETHER) Not really no.
JUDGE BALLS: Tragically a few months ago I was diagnosed with an incurable form of tinnitus. So I decided to settle my affairs.
But who should I leave my vast fortune to? That was my problem. Who amongst you could possibly deserve such wealth?
FX SOUND OF BREAKING WIND
COLONEL MUSTARD: Urghhh! Sorry, I err dropped off there.
Have I missed anything?
MISS SCARLET: No. The old lunatic always did take forever to get to a climax.
MRS WHITE: And the bloomin shipping forecast is due on any minute.
MRS PEACOCK: Oh, I just love the shipping forecast.
INSPECTOR: Please everyone. Somebody here is a murderer and I intend to find out who. Judge please continue.
JUDGE BALLS: Err yes where was I?
ALL: (TOGETHER) You were just about to tell us who Dr Black had decided to leave his vast fortune to. And in the process possibly help the inspector to uncover the identity of the murderer.
JUDGE BALLS: Err, thank you.
ALL: (TOGETHER) You're welcome.
JUDGE BALLS: Should I leave my fortune to syphilitic old Colonel Mustard who couldn't find his own arse with a map.
COLONEL MUSTARD: I say what, what!
JUDGE BALLS: Or to the Reverend Green who pretends to have Tourette's because he is so boring that even the corpses avoid turning up for funerals at his church.
REV GREEN: Golly! I protest.
JUDGE BALLS: What about the very posh and lady like serial husband killer Mrs Peacock? I remember her when she wasn't too proud to earn a living working on the streets. On her first day her husband asked how much she had earnt and she said 18/- and 1d. Her husband asked, who paid you a penny? 'All of them' she replied.
MRS PEACOCK: I have never been so insulted!
JUDGE BALLS: Then there is the delightfully dippy Mrs White. Who was definitely in the running until I found out what she really puts in her hairy pie. And I can tell you it isn't gooseberries.
MRS WHITE: Oh dearie me. It's me rampant undergrowth you see. Like the Brazillian rain forest down there it is.
JUDGE BALLS: So that leaves the feme fatale Mrs Scarlet, a woman with such powerful buttocks she has to use oak panelled toilet paper. A woman who has spent more time on her back than Leonardo Da Vinci.
Or a sausage munching mass poisoner from Ribblesdale. A man who for no apparent reason affects a German accent whilst denying being German, even though he has never been east of Sc**thorpe. A man so mad that he continued to eat Mrs White's hairy pie even after he found out what was actually in it!
PROF PLUM: Vot nonsense. I am completely innocent I tell you. Except for the pie thing....
MRS SCARLET: Damn. And when I think of all the bed baths.
INSPECTOR: You gave Dr Black bed baths?
MRS SCARLET: No inspector, he gave them to me...
INSPECTOR: Oh right, I see Miss. Carry on then Judge.
JUDGE BALLS: Right. The rules of my inheritance from my father state I must leave the estate to a family member. As I cannot decide, I have decided to leave it to anyone who is not implicated in my earlier murder. That is if I was murdered earlier of course. Otherwise I leave everything to the Lace parachute widows and orphans fund.
INSPECTOR: OK, let me see. Dr Black was shot with Colonel Mustard's revolver. Stabbed with Mrs White's Kitchen Knife. Strangled with the Reverend Green's noose. Clubbed on one side of his head with Mrs Peacock's lead pipe and on the other with side with Miss Scarlet's candlestick. And poisoned with Prof Plums Mushrooms.
ALL: (TOGETHER) But I'm innocent!
PROF PLUM: Ya dis time I actually am innocent!
INSPECTOR: I think the widows and orphans are in for a...
JUDGE BALLS: Wait there is something else written here at the bottom of the page.
I can't let any of those terrible people get their hands on my money Judge so I have come up with a cunning plan to disinherit them all. I will get them all together in the ballroom then switch the lights off and commit suicide in a manner that will implicate them all! P.S. don't read this bit out.
Oh Dear...
INSPECTOR: Just what I was about to say...It was obvious really...
COLONEL MUSTARD: So who gets all the lolly then?
MRS PEACOCK: Well one of us I suppose.
MISS SCARLET: Yes but which one?
PROF PLUM: Vell, zee last von schtanding I expect.
MRS WHITE: Thank you inspector and your worship, could you see yourselves out.
REVEREND GREEN: Collect your weapons and retire to your rooms then. And I hope not to see any of you alive in the morning...
JUDGE BALLS: Tinnitus usually isn't fatal is it?
INSPECTOR: Well only if you don't hear the bell on the fire engine?
ANNOUNCER: Well I didn't see that coming. What a rip snorter of a twist. Well its 6.30pm and time to close down the station for today. But we will be back tomorrow at 5pm. So remember don't turn that dial! Really don't turn it, there aren't any other stations.
You have been listening to the Saturday Murder mystery play on the BBC Home Service, and I have been your announcer Bruce Forsyth...
