Hey guys,

First time poster, long time reader.

I've written a sitcom and am looking for some feedback, also possibly some collaboration, certainly in terms of jokes.

So yeah, if anyone wants to take a look and tell me what they think then I would greatly appreciate it.

Also, if someone thinks they can make it better, or would like to collaborate on something else, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

https://studios.amazon.com/users/185799

Thanks

Joke gone wrong.

Guess that tells me everything I need know

First of all nobody reads a script all the way through unless they're being paid to or they comissioned it.

You'll have to contend with me reading the first 4 pages.

1 I'm saying this as a dyspraxic writer you have the worst page setting I've ever seen. Ok maybe you don't need to be fully script smarted if you're just getting a read through. But this is actively unpleasantly hard to read. Find a format you can work with. Also I use grammarly, it nearly died you got 237 critical spelling and grammar errors. My highest has been 124 and I'm basically illiterate.

2 It's a collection of characters both narrating exposition and telling jokes. Neither work in sitcom ever.

3 The characters are all one note and one dimensional. A teenager called Adolf, who dresses like Nazis and admires fascists?

4 There's no interesting situation or characters, I got this in 1 page I read another 3.

5 Perhaps you've got a decent sitcom inside of you? This isn't it though, go back and plan your next one.

Quote: sootyj @ 3rd January 2016, 3:12 PM GMT

First of all nobody reads a script all the way through unless they're being paid to or they comissioned it.

You'll have to contend with me reading the first 4 pages.

1 I'm saying this as a dyspraxic writer you have the worst page setting I've ever seen. Ok maybe you don't need to be fully script smarted if you're just getting a read through. But this is actively unpleasantly hard to read. Find a format you can work with. Also I use grammarly, it nearly died you got 237 critical spelling and grammar errors. My highest has been 124 and I'm basically illiterate.

2 It's a collection of characters both narrating exposition and telling jokes. Neither work in sitcom ever.

3 The characters are all one note and one dimensional. A teenager called Adolf, who dresses like Nazis and admires fascists?

4 There's no interesting situation or characters, I got this in 1 page I read another 3.

5 Perhaps you've got a decent sitcom inside of you? This isn't it though, go back and plan your next one.

View original

LOL!

I'm sorry, I meant the "don't comment unless you read it all" as a joke. Was a reference to the guy in the other thread who was being an asshat about it. My bad.

Also, you've referenced the wrong script. That was one on which I left a comment about terrible formatting

The one I wrote was called Bloomin' Mountains (Worst. Title. Ever.)*

Guess I inadvertently made things more difficult for myself here. Genuinely appreciate getting some feedback though, even if it wasn't for my work!

*including Cougar Town

first 4 pages on Bloomin Hills it's like its written by someone completely different.

Nicely laid out (film not TV style butthat's a quibble), pretty much error free.

Strong characters and some neat jokes on character and situation.

The only problem is after 4 pages of agreeable banter, where's it all going? Maybe get the plot in a lot earlier.

Also its very static, no one other than the initial stomping and finger guns is moving.

So maybe push the plot faster, make it faster and save some of the jokes for another day.

Also can you ditch the old scripts with bad feedback? They're holding you back.

Quote: sootyj @ 3rd January 2016, 3:35 PM GMT

first 4 pages on Bloomin Hills it's like its written by someone completely different.

View original

It is

Other than that little confusion, Sooty is on the money once again: the lines are decent, the characters come through, the scene is good, if a little drawn out, but how about some movement? If this were The IT Crowd, say, they could have this dialogue, but Jen would be frantically going backwards and forwards to her office, Moss would be constructing a giant robotic T Rex out of Meccano, Roy would be juggling coffee and a cake that are both too hot to hold, but which he can't put down because his desk's a mess. Although one character's storyline is driving the scene, all three characters impose on it and build an ensemble feel.

This is all really hard, and why I like to write audio stuff

What I read was decent, though, so good luck with it.

but with audio stuff there's implied movement surely?

Quote: sootyj @ 3rd January 2016, 3:49 PM GMT

but with audio stuff there's implied movement surely?

View original

There is,. but you can still get away with scene where people just talk to each other in a room for 90 seconds without having to worry about making the visuals interesting, or any of that guff.

Hey guys, thanks for the comments.

I think the plot comes in on about page 6. Is the standard about 4 pages, or less?

The "no movement" comment is one of those interesting things that you can't really notice unless you are reading the script fresh. When I read it, there's quite a lot of movement (mostly gesticulating and the such), but if it isn't on the page then people can't see it. Will definitely keep the "people doing stuff" element for future scripts.

Was also important that there was no mention of the "f" word (ie funny!) That suggests to me that I need to work with someone who is better at jokes than I, which is basically what I suspected.

Thanks again for the feedback. It was very helpful!

neat jokes means its funny, don't be so needy!

It's not hilarious but it is amusing, really funny sitcom needs setting up bigger situations for a bigger laugh.

Sorry, not trying to be needy or fishing for compliments, or any of that jazz. I just call it as I sees it.

If it is amusing, that's great. But at the end of the day, that isn't really going to cut it. Therefore, I need to identify how to make it better. One of those ways would be to find someone funnier than I (who perhaps has weaknesses where I have strengths) to work with.

But you have offered a second option, which I had not considered, namely bigger situations. If the situation is not big enough, then the humour is not big enough.

This is another valuable insight, which will hopefully make my next project a lot better.

Hi there,

I read through to the end, as ordered. My usual disclaimer: I'm just an amateur enthusiast offering some personal thoughts. Feel free to discount all the below as nonsense.

Overall, I thought it was structured pretty well. Not the most complicated of plots, but everything flowed naturally, and I loved the idea of war against red squirrels. Very Mighty Boosh.

Few random comments on specifics from my read through:
- Pg 2. The whole "Jill hates Bill" thing is a bit odd. I get that he probably hasn't done anything wrong and she's been finding excuses to sack a bunch of assistants, but I think that (at some point in the first act at least) you could do with either showing him annoying her, or emphasise that she's just being unfair. At the moment, it's not quite clear where our sympathies should be. You obviously don't want to waste lots of time setting everything up, and I do think you do a good job of getting things moving fairly early on, but maybe spend a bit more time establishing the situation and trim a few of the throwaway lines from Victor.
- Pg 4. I'm not sure what Jill and Tom's relationship actually was. Here, and the other times he is mentioned, it just sounds like he was a hunky assistant that she had a crush on, but then Jill also says "he would let me touch his luxurious golden locks whenever he was asleep", which either suggests something more between them, or this office has some really relaxed policies when it comes to sleeeping on the job. It's just not that clear, to me.
- Pg 8. I don't really get what the little office scene here is about. I can see you want to break up the David/Bill action, but the bit you've put in just didn't make sense to me as I was reading through.
- Pg 10. Minor nitpick, but not sure the Vietnam joke really works conceptually. Assuming this is in the UK, and in the present day (which I'm assuming because the script doesn't claim otherwise...), David is neither old enough nor the right nationality to have fought in 'nam, so Bill's line is just a bit daft. Maybe reference Afghanistan/Iraq instead?
- Pg 15. Really liked the spot the difference gag. That is all.
- Pg 21. Typo on 'DAIVD' at the bottom of the page.
- Pg 22. David says Bill's really weird. I'm not sure we've seen him be *really* weird yet.
- Pg 23. The phrasing gag is just an Archer thing. Don't get me wrong, I like a good phrasing gag, but I'm not sure that's quite leaked out into popular culture to the extent that it comes off as anything other than you lifting that from Archer.
- Pg 25. I like that you've not lumbered huge amounts of action descriptions throughout the script, makes it easier to read especially as a lot of it is quickfire back-and-forth dialogue, but this bit could maybe do with a bit more description. Do we see the squirrels blocking the path, or is it all just implied?
- Pg 26. Steve's appearance is a bit out of nowhere. He's the big boss there to sack Bill, I get that, but at the start, Jill seemed convinced that Diane had the power to sack him anyway. Maybe the earlier scene should have Jill mentioning that she has asked Steve to sack him, rather than her asking Diane.

All in all, it's pretty good. Some good jokes and lines. I just think maybe some of the relationships need clarifying a bit more and perhaps some of the character quirks need exaggerating or underlining a little more. It feels like every character is holding back, like Bill is meant to be really weird (or at least perceived as really weird) but never seems all that weird, and David is (I guess) meant to think himself a sort of Ray Mears/Bear Grylls type, but doesn't quite come across like that. That sort of thing.

Quote: Crindy @ 4th January 2016, 11:56 AM GMT

Hi there,

I read through to the end, as ordered. My usual disclaimer: I'm just an amateur enthusiast offering some personal thoughts. Feel free to discount all the below as nonsense.

Overall, I thought it was structured pretty well. Not the most complicated of plots, but everything flowed naturally, and I loved the idea of war against red squirrels. Very Mighty Boosh.

Few random comments on specifics from my read through:
- Pg 2. The whole "Jill hates Bill" thing is a bit odd. I get that he probably hasn't done anything wrong and she's been finding excuses to sack a bunch of assistants, but I think that (at some point in the first act at least) you could do with either showing him annoying her, or emphasise that she's just being unfair. At the moment, it's not quite clear where our sympathies should be. You obviously don't want to waste lots of time setting everything up, and I do think you do a good job of getting things moving fairly early on, but maybe spend a bit more time establishing the situation and trim a few of the throwaway lines from Victor.
- Pg 4. I'm not sure what Jill and Tom's relationship actually was. Here, and the other times he is mentioned, it just sounds like he was a hunky assistant that she had a crush on, but then Jill also says "he would let me touch his luxurious golden locks whenever he was asleep", which either suggests something more between them, or this office has some really relaxed policies when it comes to sleeeping on the job. It's just not that clear, to me.
- Pg 8. I don't really get what the little office scene here is about. I can see you want to break up the David/Bill action, but the bit you've put in just didn't make sense to me as I was reading through.
- Pg 10. Minor nitpick, but not sure the Vietnam joke really works conceptually. Assuming this is in the UK, and in the present day (which I'm assuming because the script doesn't claim otherwise...), David is neither old enough nor the right nationality to have fought in 'nam, so Bill's line is just a bit daft. Maybe reference Afghanistan/Iraq instead?
- Pg 15. Really liked the spot the difference gag. That is all.
- Pg 21. Typo on 'DAIVD' at the bottom of the page.
- Pg 22. David says Bill's really weird. I'm not sure we've seen him be *really* weird yet.
- Pg 23. The phrasing gag is just an Archer thing. Don't get me wrong, I like a good phrasing gag, but I'm not sure that's quite leaked out into popular culture to the extent that it comes off as anything other than you lifting that from Archer.
- Pg 25. I like that you've not lumbered huge amounts of action descriptions throughout the script, makes it easier to read especially as a lot of it is quickfire back-and-forth dialogue, but this bit could maybe do with a bit more description. Do we see the squirrels blocking the path, or is it all just implied?
- Pg 26. Steve's appearance is a bit out of nowhere. He's the big boss there to sack Bill, I get that, but at the start, Jill seemed convinced that Diane had the power to sack him anyway. Maybe the earlier scene should have Jill mentioning that she has asked Steve to sack him, rather than her asking Diane.

All in all, it's pretty good. Some good jokes and lines. I just think maybe some of the relationships need clarifying a bit more and perhaps some of the character quirks need exaggerating or underlining a little more. It feels like every character is holding back, like Bill is meant to be really weird (or at least perceived as really weird) but never seems all that weird, and David is (I guess) meant to think himself a sort of Ray Mears/Bear Grylls type, but doesn't quite come across like that. That sort of thing.

View original

Thanks for the feedback! Lots of useful insights in there.

Clearly I've not made some things clear enough, which is something to keep in mind for future projects.

I read it to the end, even though I got the joke

Generally agree there's a little too much banter (the discussion about a reality show that doesn't exist in particular springing to mind). Fortunately, your script is probably too long for a 22-25min episode anyway, so trimming that shouldn't hurt. And keep the "man, screen got scratched" bit, it's probably the funniest.

I like the line about being "gnawed to death by the cutest animals on the planet!" but can't help thinking you could have had the characters acknowledge the ridiculousness of the situation earlier.

Probably could benefit from at least one character (in the office or in the woods) that starts out thinking squirrels are nice, fluffy animals that just want to be friends; if not one of the characters being a full-blown animal rights activist.