Superb wank so congratulations to GAPPY for winning by a c**ty mile. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
7 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Playfull, Steve Sunshine
Special mention: Lee

For your next subject you can toss: IT SUPPORT (chosen by GAPPY), MOBILE PHONES (LEE) or POP MUSIC (STEVE SUNSHINE).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.12.15

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Gappy
2 - 10 - me
3 - 5 - Playfull, Steve Sunshine

Oops, I got my weeks muddled, and wrte my IT Support sketch last week! In retrospect it was f**king obvious that it was a different week, wasn't it? I'll have a crack at one of the others.

SUMNER WHINE

On this day, whatever the f**k it is, I hereby declare that as per the new New Order forum guidelines:
1. If Bernard says he's considering a drum 'n' bass prog rock epic with Jimmy Carr on flute and Jimi Hendrix on Moog and we all know it's all bollocks (and even if it wasn't at least half of it would be shite anyway), I shall get excited and start a new thread: 'Oooh, awesome news! Can't wait! Wonder what it'll sound like?' Under no circumstances whatsoever shall I write, 'We all know it's all bollocks (and even if it wasn't at least half of it would be shite anyway)' because that is negative and moaning and spoiling it for wide-eyed, wetarded womantics.
2. The Other Two are very nice. I understand Joy Division made two classic albums in two years, The Other Two have managed two in twenty-five and they're both like anal sex - f**king shit - but that's awesome 'cos they are so f**king NICE, which is the ultimate aim of the musician, eh John Lydon?
3. (My personal fave) I fancy Gillian... Sure you do. Guaranteed boner every time. Could any right-minded guy could choose between her or Danni Minogue, Kylie Minogue, Cheryl out of Girls Aloud, all Girls Aloud, all the girls Spice, all the girls twice: Hilary's muff sorry Hilary Duff, Penelope Cruz twice, Halle Berry thrice, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, Heidi Klum, Shakira, Naomi Campbell, Naomi Watts, Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Cameron Diaz, Raquel Welch, Bridgitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth, Bettie Page, Grace Kelly, Natalie Portman, Kirsten Dunst, Katy Perry, Kim Basinger, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Megan Fox, Winona Ryder, Kate Winslet, Nicole Kidman, Keira Knightley, it'd have to be sexy, charismatic, no-make-up-at-all 'Bertie wunnit. The fact you'd be probing territory previously plumbed by sizzling smouldering stunning Steve is the icing on the cack. Phwoar.
4. If Hooky says anything not NICE, I shall be gob-smacked thereby. Peter Hook is renowned in the biz for his reticence, discretion and kindness towards any other act, even if he doesn't like it. How could he stoop so low?
5. I was born the day 'Unknown Pleasures' came out and bought it on vinyl when still a foetus. Over the last 36 years it's gone from vinyl to CD to vinyl to CD to vinyl to CD and is, in 2015, now on vinyl again. I shall therefore get excited again and start another thread and place my order straight away, even though a) Rhino are contractually obliged to f**k it up, b) I've had all my life to listen to it and could hear it for free on YouTube anyway, c) I have less money than Van Gogh, d) no one's bought a record player since Buddha, and e).

INT. APPLE STORE - DAY

A CUSTOMER approaches an ethereal Apple ASSISTANT, phone in hand.

CUSTOMER
Hi, sorry, I bought this iPhone from you yesterday, and I think it's broken.

ASSISTANT
And what makes you think that, sir?

CUSTOMER
Well, it just doesn't work. Brand new, latest model, and look...I press the on switch...nothing!

The ASSISTANT looks at the phone, then looks the customer up and down.

ASSISTANT
Ah, yes, I think I see what the problem is, sir. Have you upgraded recently?

CUSTOMER
Upgraded?! I only bought the bloody thing yesterday!

ASSISTANT
No, not the phone sir. Have you personally upgraded?

CUSTOMER
What?

ASSISTANT
Well, you see, the latest iPhone comes with our latest H.I.P scan technology.

CUSTOMER
H.I.P scan?

ASSISTANT
Yes sir, it's an acronym. A Heuristic Individual Personality scan can instantly ascertain whether or not the person attempting to use the phone is suitably cool enough to be seen holding our latest model.

CUSTOMER
It can do that?!

ASSISTANT
Oh yes, sir. And unless you've upgraded yourself to the latest cutting-edge fashion, which based on your current attire, I'm afraid to say you probably haven't, the phone will remain incompatible with you.

CUSTOMER
How does that even work?

ASSISTANT
Well, sir, Apple has been collecting information about its customers for some time now.

CUSTOMER
Is that allowed?

ASSISTANT
Of course, sir. We're doing nothing to be alarmed about, just monitoring your online purchases, tracking your social media interactions, following your day-to-day movements via GPS, discreetly scanning your body mass index and carefully detecting changes in your attire. The H.I.P scan then simply compares you to a carefully selected sample of our current iPhone owners, and calculates whether or not you are rated high enough to gain access to the handset. It's all very simple.

CUSTOMER
No offence, but that all sounds...ridiculous.

ASSISTANT
Well, it's not, sir. May I...?

He gestures for the phone and the CUSTOMER hands it over. The ASSISTANT holds the phone and it immediately switches on.

ASSISTANT (Cont'd)
You see? I completed the upgrade some weeks ago, I'm fully compatible with the latest iPhone, along with our newest range of tablet and laptop devices.

He hands the phone back to the CUSTOMER. It instantly powers down.

ASSISTANT (Cont'd)
Whereas you are not, sir.

CUSTOMER
Well, this is ridiculous! You've sold me a phone I can't use! That can't be legal!

ASSISTANT
I'm sorry sir, did you press 'accept' on the latest iTunes T&Cs?

CUSTOMER
Of course I did...

ASSISTANT
Then I'm afraid it's all perfectly legal. The H.I.P scan was explained in some detail in there.

CUSTOMER
Well...what am I supposed to do?!

ASSISTANT
Well, sir, if you still wish to use the latest iPhone, may I suggest paying for the upgrade? We have some excellent deals on at the moment.

He gestures to a row of clothing along one wall of the shop, an array of skinny jeans, ironic hats and keffiyeh scarves, and then places an iPad displaying the price list in front of the CUSTOMER.

ASSISTANT
I'm afraid that for the particular model of phone you have chosen, you will need to go for one of our platinum deals...

CUSTOMER
How much?! No, I can't afford that.

ASSISTANT
Well, you did choose our top of the range handset, sir.

CUSTOMER
But that's a stupid amount of money!

ASSISTANT
But you do get a complete wardrobe upgrade in that price, sir. And for just £89.99 extra, I can throw in a spare charging lead.

CUSTOMER
Hang on, I see clothes like this all up and down the high street these days. I'll just get some of those. It'll be a lot cheaper.

ASSISTANT
Ah, I'm sorry sir, the upgrade does have to be proprietary for the H.I.P scan to work. Perhaps some of our competitors phones work like that, but we really do insist on the best here at Apple.

CUSTOMER
Well...I'm screwed then. I can't afford any of that. Isn't there anything else I can do?

ASSISTANT
Well, actually, we're always eager to recycle obsolete models, sir.

CUSTOMER
Recycle?

ASSISTANT
Yes sir, we take any old, obsolete models and we send them off to be stripped down, taken apart and re-purposed. It's part of our aim to give something back to the world that has given us so much. Is that something you would be interested in?

CUSTOMER
Well...I guess. I mean, this is all no use to me now, anyway.

ASSISTANT
Excellent, sir. Please, follow me.

The ASSISTANT gestures and the CUSTOMER walks over to a large recycling chute in the wall. The ASSISTANT opens the chute, the CUSTOMER sighs, takes one last look around and climbs in.

[DISCUSSION SHOW. THREE SWIVEL CHAIRS IN A TASTEFUL SET]

PRESENTER: Welcome, once again, to Culture Spores; and, on the petri dish of discussion tonight we are prvileged to have latin rock legend, Santos Cantina, looking back at his long musical career. But, first, poetry. On the eve of publishing his 12th collection, and only weeks after being awarded the Unilever Chalice for contemporary verse, we have Giles Bellen. Giles, welcome.

GILES: Good evening.

PRES: Giles, to begin with, perhaps we could talk about the process of creation. How do you write a poem?

GILES: Well, you see Bernard, I see myself, essentially, as nothing more than a conduit through which verse may enter the world

PRES: Oh.

GILES I often feel as if I'm not so much writing the words, as letting them flow through me.

PRES: I thought you wrote them. Sorry, bit of a booking mix-up there. [LOUD, POINTED] Someone should have looked into that. Well, moving on -

GILES: But, don't you want to talk about my latest book?

PRES: Not much point, is there? It's not really your book, apparently. It'd be like interviewing a washbasin. Instead, let's turn to
revolutionary latin guitar hero, Santos Cantina, winner of an astonishing twelve Grammies, who is performing three nights at the South Bank this month in celebration of his 50 year career. Santos, tell us about how you started playing the guitar?

SANTOS: [INEVITABLE BAD SOUTH AMERICAN ACCENT] Well, you know, I picked up my first guitar in my uncle's hovel in Santa Achhthitereeea, at sixhhh year of age.

PRES: Fascinating. And, how did that feel, Santos?

SANTOS: I knew instinctively, at that moment, that I was born to be...a channel through which sound could pour.

PRES: Oh, for God's sake.

SANTOS: [CONTINUING THROUGH] A passage to direct music towards people's ears.
A culvert of sound.

PRES: Right. And did-

SANTOS: A tune hose.

GILES: Like a tap?

SANTOS: Exactly, like a tap. Or a spigot.

GILES: What's that?

SANTOS: A tap.

GILES: How fascinating.

PRES: Dear Christ. Before we go on, would either of you like to say anything about the creative process which doesn't relate to plumbing or irrigation? No? Fine. Then we'd better go to VT, and Sylvia Mongoni with our report from Cannes.

SYLVIA: [ON VT, IN A SUNNY, CHIC TERRACE BAR] Here in Cannes it's not all cocktails and handshakes. Last night, controversial director Lars Von Trier raised fresh debate with his new film, Truth Fudge, which depicts Jesus Christ as a tired dog that can't get out of a jacuzzi. I met up with Lars to ask him the question on everyone's lips: "Immersion heater or combi-system?"

Customer: Is this IT?

Support: Who's asking?

Customer: Me.

Support: Name?

Customer: John Thompson

Support: Any ID?

Customer: Yes. But I don't know how to show you it. My screen isn't working.

Support: So you could be anybody. We get your sort on here all the time.

Customer: But I am him. Look. I need my computer fixed. I can't see the details on screen.

Support: What's wrong with it?

Customer: (sighing) The screen isn't working. Who are you anyway?

Support: Think I'd tell you?

Customer: You're supposed to. I must say, the customer service here is rubbish. I'm going to complain to the IT watchdog.

Support: Don't be so hasty, Name's Peter Robinson.

Customer. Well, Peter Robinson. Stop wasting my time I want you to fix this damn problem.

Support: We don't accept abuse here. I'm going to hang up.

Customer: Okay, I'm sorry. But I really need to get this fixed. I've got a...

Unknown voice in the background: That'll be three hundred grand, Mister Robinson. It's the best Ferrari in the business.

Customer: You just bought a Ferrari? Your company must pay well.

Support: I own it. Well, the call centre side of things. We put you through to IT Support.

Customer: I see. How much is this call costing me?

Support: Five quid a minute.

Customer: What? (He slams down phone)

One week later. Peter Robinson has been stabbed in a duel outside the pub. He phones the emergency operator.

Peter Robinson: Help! I've been stabbed. Need an ambulance.

John Thompson: The same Peter Robinson who bought a Ferrari last week.

Peter Robinson: Yes, that's right.

John Thompson: Ain't life a bitch! (he slams down phone)

Gappy yet again.

I recognise Michael's scenario, that's for sure, but Crindy has edged my vote (ooh, a new name, welcome).

Gappy for me.

I'm a fan of them all, but I'll vote for Gappy too.

All good, but Gappy was on form this week. Not to cause controversy but is "latin guitar" pop music or classical ? Could Crindy win this on a technicality ? Is Michael a corruptible judge ? It's better than East Enders this.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 9th December 2015, 3:12 PM GMT

All good, but Gappy was on form this week. Not to cause controversy but is "latin guitar" pop music or classical ? Could Crindy win this on a technicality ? Is Michael a corruptible judge ? It's better than East Enders this.

View original

"Latin guitar" covers a wide variety of styles: Sanatana is pop (or rock, or psych, ro what have you), arrangements of Granados are classical, Joao Gilberto is bossa nova. To be honest, outside of this sketch I don't think anyone's ever used thr phrase "latin guitar"

I used to be a Latin lover. Now I prefer Greek.

Gappy for me - just for the use of spigot.

Feel bad about not finding time to enter.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 9th December 2015, 5:46 PM GMT

I used to be a Latin lover. Now I prefer Greek.

View original

I'm more of an Egyptian lover: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjFs9CPGhts. Because afterwards you feel as though you've been cursed, and my bits look about 3000 years old.