Skit Comp 27.8 - 4.9.15

More hilarity anut so congratulations to DARREN and SCRATCHYR for wanking it. PM me with a subject apiss for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Darren, Scratchyr
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your new subject: CHARITY.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 4.9.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - Scratchyr
2 - 10 - Darren, Gappy

I think Darren may have grounds for a re-count. Think he got 4 or 5, I got 3.

Maybe Michael was feeling charitable...

Consider it dung because I am Michael and I am good.
By my calculations, it's four votes for Darren (Gappy, Scratchyr, me, Playfull); four for Scratchy (Yogi, Rood Eye, Nick, Bushbaby); one for Gappy (Darren).

Quote: playfull @ 27th August 2015, 3:27 PM BST

Maybe Michael was feeling charitable...

Playfull - 'nough said.

RIGHT ROYAL COCK-UP

PUB.
TOM 'n' DICK (reading newspapers).

TOM Recession...

DICK Credit crunch...

TOM Economic crisis...

DICK Royal baby! Yo, let's party!

They jump up and high-five.
Enter TART.

TART Lazies and dentedmen, we interrupt this Scotch for an urgent appeal. Every few years, a month and a fortnight and a bit or so, a child is born to F**king 'em Palace. And in the throes of the worst European crisis since Bros, in an era of recession, credit crunch...

DICK Crisis!

TART Thanks mate... For just 83617485149518406 Euro a week, you can give these cookie runts a brighter future. Yes, for just 6284951835 Euro a day you can clothe these spoilt bastards - in Gucci, Versace and another gay, so they make Victoria Beckham look like Bob Geldof... For just 739516385 Euro an hour, you can feed these pointless parasitic pricks - caviar, more game than a cookie hunt, a dinner that makes Gordon Ramsay's crap-up wankathons look like Stoke-on-Trent's greasy spoon... And for just 6372849 Euro a billisillisecond, you can let it drink champagne, the finest winests and Cameron Diaz' menstrual fluid, making George Best look like Porgy and Bess... And while you'll be lucky to get a free wankend in Stoke on the seventh of November, just 59274173851937 Euro of your hard-earned wonga gets these total and utter tossbags 581 years on a cruise ship bigger than Lenny Kravitz' ego, where they can be more wankered than a priest's penis during TellieTubbies, more bare than Old Mother Hubbard's proverbial cupboard, and shag a coupla tarts across a snooker table: 'Your shot?' - 'I just had one...' And essentially, make England look even more outdated, ridiculous and f**king stupid than it already is... And all because they're good for tourists. After all, there's nothing the average Brit relishes more than a bunch of froggies, Rumanians and gippos running about the place.

TOM and DICK applaud.

TART Laybies and gentlebends, the Royal Family. What a f**king piece of f**king shit.

STEVE: Hi, John. Will you sponsor me?

JOHN: Sure. What are you doing?

STEVE: I'm going to swim right the way across the Atlantic ocean.

JOHN: Wow. All the way across?

STEVE: Yep, from here to Scotland.

JOHN: Dude, that's amazing. I'll give you a penny a mile.

STEVE: Hey, that'll really add up, cheers! Arnie, do you want to sponsor me?

ARNIE: Yeah, OK. But don't put me down per mile, I'll give you a tenner for the whole lot.

STEVE: A tenner? Come on, it's a huge journey. I even have to swim up waterfalls, which is really hard on the tail.

ARNIE: Go on, then: twenty.

STEVE: Nice one, mate! Hey, Gladys, good to see you, you're looking well: do you want to sponsor me?

GLADYS: Sponsor you? To swim to a Scottish river? No.

STEVE: Why not? Bit mean isn't it? It's a really long way, and should be, like, a real adventure.

GLADYS: That's my main problem, Steve. I think you want to do it.

STEVE: What?

GLADYS: I think you really, really enjoy your trips across the world, and that by sponsoring you, we're just funding your thrill-seeking lifestyle, whilst somehow making your own crass gratification look like generosity.

STEVE: What? You think I like swimming all the way to Scotland? Swimming vertically up a waterfall, in contradiction of the gravitational impetus? No way.

GLADYS: Yes, I do. If it's such a chore, why do you do it every year?

STEVE: Well...did I say about the waterfalls?

GLADYS: Why do you, and all the other salmon, all go and do it every year? Why do you set off singing and laughing in a big old bunch, if it's such a terrible hardship? No, I'm not going to pay you money to do something you patently desire.

STEVE: But it's for charity.

GLADYS: Yes, and how much does it cost to get you all to Scotland, hmm? How much of the money you guilt people into giving you every year is left after the expenses involved in getting a few million salmon across Northern Europe?

STEVE: I don't know. Some of it. Look, the point is, whatever clever-clever maths you want to bring up, there's still needy charities making money, aren't there? Without us, you wouldn't think to give anything, so it's all good. I'm just a focus for charity. I'm like a lovely little altruism lens.

GLADYS: Three things. One, I give by direct debit already, so I don't need you as my spectacles of piscine kindness. Secondly, every year I and all the other tuna organise a huge charity jumble sale round here, and make loads of money for local causes, which you'd not know anything about, because you're always messing about in Loch Fyne or whatever. And, thirdly, what charity, exactly, are you collecting for, whilst you have the time of your lives?

STEVE: The, erm, [mumbles]

GLADYS: What was that?

STEVE: The Old Smolt Salmon Rehabilitation Fund

GLADYS: And that's for what, looking after geriatric salmon?

STEVE: Yes. They get very depressed, for your information.

GLADYS: And why's that?

STEVE: Because they can't go swimming across the Atlantic any mo - alright! OK, I see I shan't get any money out of you, you old misery. Come on, boys, to Scotland!

[Squeaky sound of thousand of salmon cheering. As this fades, there's a flapping of wings and a squawk]

TERN: Hello?

GLADYS: Oh, what now?

TERN: Will you sponsor me? I'm going to fly literally halfway round the world this winter.

GLADYS: Oh for f**k's sake. No, I won't, but if you give me fifty quid I'll take you where there are thousands of meals just waiting for you.

REPORTER: So, congratulations Brigadier, on your Knighthood for 'services to charity'...

BRIGADIER: Thank you. Yes, "Carriage Driving for the Disabled" , a very worthy cause. I've always thought 'the Disableds' had every right to spend as much time driving their carriages about as me or the next man.

REPORTER: The next man' being Prince Philip?

BRIGADIER: Yes,...he nominated me for the award, he is Patron of the charity and an 'old chum' from army days.

REPORTER: You shared Tzatziki, Souvlaki and the odd Ouzo in the Mess?

BRIGADIER: Yes, those Greek Rent Boys do have funny names. So, every Tuesday is " carriage driving for the disabled day' through my village... I ordered the village folk to stay indoors so they don't frighten the horses, galloping up and down the high street. And the disableds have benefitted greatly...

REPORTER: Yes, the ...um ...'disableds' , the other villagers have noticed... they do tend to be close members of your own family...?

BRIGADIER: We all have our crosses to bare...

REPORTER : Your wife's illness, for example?

BRIGADIER: Lactose intolerance, a terrible condition...

REPORTER: " Carriage Driving for the Lactose Intolerant"?

BRIGADIER: Look, the ' less fortunate' deserve access to our everyday country pursuits...

REPORTER: " Bird Strangling for Obsessive Compulsives"?

BRIGADIER: Yes, a marvellous charity, of which Prince Philip is the Patron. My sister has 'come on tremendously', since she took up swan strangling. The technique takes some getting used to... ( you start in the middle and work your way outwards), but being waterfowl, there's always a river nearby for her to keep washing her hands afterwards. And there's no waste involved, as the Mrs Prince Philip, loves a freshly strangled swan. -Owl strangling , not so easy, -as they can see you creeping up behind them....

PHONE RINGS

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN (EG): Hello?

SALESMAN: Hello and good morning Mr Charles. It's another lovely day isn't it?

EG: Err...yes, do I know you?

SALESMAN: I'm Michael Mr Charles or can I call you Sidney?

EG: Michael?

SALESMAN: Yes Sidney, I'm Michael from the 'Save Africa' Charity. You sponsor a bush with us. You might remember we sent you a photo of it?

EG: Michael?...Oh yes the bush. I've been trying to contact you lot. I have a few questions...

SALESMAN: I bet you do - It's just a call asking if you are aware of the current terrible catastrophe engulfing 'Save Africa?'

EG: Did you say engulfing 'Save Africa?'

SALESMAN: Yes indeed. You may have seen on the TV news that we have fallen to third in the UK Charities funds raised table. That's down from second last year. We were hoping that in this time of crisis you might be able to dig deep and help us back to our...

EG: I'm sorry is this an African Crisis?

SALESMAN: That is correct Sidney, It's a 'Save Africa' crisis.

EG: No, I mean is this an African Crisis or a 'Save Africa' crisis?

SALESMAN: Absolutely Sidney. As one of our valued bush sponsors we were hoping you might be interested in sponsoring another bush or maybe an African wild cairn?

EG: A cairn? That's a pile of stones isn't it?

SALESMAN: Well it's more a photo of a pile of stones really. I'll put you down for another bush.

EG: That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. The Picture you sent me was of a Hydrangea, which as my wife pointed out, though widely grown is not a native of Africa.

SALESMAN: And thanks to your sponsorship Sidney it's now a very healthy and happy Hydrangea.

EG: Well it should be as apparently it's off on its holidays. I could see the Blackpool Tower in the background.

SALESMAN: I would just like to take this opportunity to both distract you and to reassure you that your personal data is completely safe.

EG: What?

SALESMAN: You may have heard on the news recently that some less scrupulous charities have been selling their donor's personal details on. I would just like to assure you that we will never share your personal or bank details with any third parties, any other charities, any sales companies or any scam sales schemes..

EG: Well I should hope not...

SALESMAN: ...As long as you sign up to our platinum sponsors package.

EG: Look when I filled in the 'sponsor a bush' form I know I ticked the 'do not share my details' box.

SALESMAN: Well yes and no.

EG: It was definitely yes!

SALESMAN: Do you also remember where it said keep all marks inside the box? Well unfortunately someone's tick finished just outside the box Sidney. That invalidated your request I'm afraid. And we are really serious about getting that number two slot back...Shall I put you down for another bush?

INT. OFFICE OF CHARITABLE ORGANISATION. DAY.

A FISH approaches the LADY at the front desk.

FISH:
Good morning. I would like to apply to do some charity work, wherever It's needed most really.

LADY:
Brilliant. We're always in need of volunteers. There are two options available; one, you can teach starving people how to use the ocean for sustenance..

FISH:
You mean catch and eat fish?

LADY:
That's right. Long term project that one.

FISH:
Probably going to say no, on the account of, you know, being a..

LADY:
Of course quite right. Well the second option is just a day's work. In catering.

FISH:
Sounds perfect. When can I start?

SFX (O.S)
Sizzling frying pan.

END.

A cynical poem about sponsoring for "Charity" in 2015
It seems like every week or so someone comes to me,
Asking me to sponsor them in the name of charity,
And if I choose to say no thanks, They give me evil looks,
How could you turn down charity? It's for Kittens who need books!!!
But recently I've noticed, How these request follow a theme,
And I'm starting to get cynical, That these good deeds aren't what they seem,
For in almost every case, the person taking money from You,
Is taking part in some event, they really want to do,
"I'm climbing up Mount Everest" For goldfish that are gay!
Yet we know they love to climb, but can't afford to unless we pay!
Or I'm going to skydive out a plane, for charity and praise,
Oh but all the costs for the skydive jump, come out the money I raise!
I'm white water rafting down the Grand Canyon, please donate all you can to me,
I gonna have the time of my life, doing something I'll enjoy for free,
Now I'm not say these charities don't get some of the raised money,
But why should we donate £30 when they only get 20P?

All cool but ultimately Gappy.

playfull for me

Really great week, well done all! I honestly liked them all, to a greater or lesser degree.

Mike - righteous ire, always enjoyable.
Darren - inventive lexis, as usual. Findng the right word generally makes jokes twice as funny, in my opinion.
Playfull - well turned, and topical.
Scratchy - enjoyably silly - not 100% sure if it's suposed to be visual or audio, though.
Rood - Very nice take on the classic selective hearing trope.
Funy - Always good to have a poem. This one has a few scansion issues (yeah, I know, I always say that Rolling eyes), but "kittens that need books" and "godlfish that are gay" really hit the spot.
Stylee - Ooh, another poem, cool. Cleverly done.

My winner this week is Playfull, just for the relevance to recent(ish) events, but a sincere thumbs up to everyone this week. :)

Quote: gappy @ 5th September 2015, 12:42 PM BST

Really great week, well done all! I honestly liked them all, to a greater or lesser degree.

Mike - righteous ire, always enjoyable.
Darren - inventive lexis, as usual. Findng the right word generally makes jokes twice as funny, in my opinion.
Playfull - well turned, and topical.
Scratchy - enjoyably silly - not 100% sure if it's suposed to be visual or audio, though.
Rood - Very nice take on the classic selective hearing trope.
Funy - Always good to have a poem. This one has a few scansion issues (yeah, I know, I always say that Rolling eyes), but "kittens that need books" and "godlfish that are gay" really hit the spot.
Stylee - Ooh, another poem, cool. Cleverly done.

A sincere thumbs up to everyone this week. :)

Gappy said what I was thinking!

Would obviously add Gappy's wonderfully inventive and unique style.

But for me it is Stylee's intelligently turned poem well worth a second read in my opinion and well worth a life beyond the confines of this comp.