More hilarity aruntie so congratulations to OTTERFOX and PLAYFULL for a joint win. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Otterfox, Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy, Darren, me

Your new subject: DRAGONS (chosen by CRAIG H).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 11.8.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Darren
2 - 30 - Gappy
3 - 26 - Playfull
4 - 21 - me
5 - 10 - Otterfox, Funny Ha Ha, Tiggy, Craig H
6 - 5 - Stylee Ting Ting
7 - 1 - Bushbaby

I'M A GIN

by Michael Monkhouse

V/O Next month it will be exactly ten years, a few months, a fortnight or so plus a week and a certain number of days since the death of George Best, footballer, manager and freelance piss-head. To celebrate this momentous occasion, we present...

Enter PISS-HEAD, sings (tune: 'Imagine', John Lennon)
I'll have a gin and lemon
A breezer and a dry
Brown ale to blow us
I'm buggered, I could fly
I'll have an Awamori
As long as you pay.

I'll have double Slivovitz
And then some hard goon hooch
Brewski, alky, a Four Score
I slayed a dragon, phew!
I'll have triple Tequila
White lightning, I'm peesed...

I'm fit-shaced, I'm a steamer
'Cos I won't have only one
I'm crunk, sideways, mounted, juiced
I'm so spun, tossed, trashed, broken.

I'll have Grandpa's cough med'cine
A sherbert and a dram
I need potcheed and snifter
A bucket-load of Tan
I'll have a Nixon nibble
Then Missouri mule...

I'm saucy, schmammered, schnookered,
And I'm loaded and I'm gone
I'm smoked, snookered, poo-poohed, sloshed
And my Word, I'm having fun.

DEREK MALFOY: Oi! Potter! Go on then chase the dragon...(several boys snigger)

HARRY: (Pulls out wand) what dragon? Where?

RON: He's having a laugh Harry. Zap the Bastard.

HERMIONE: Ron! Ignore him Harry.

RON: Shrink his bollocks, make him talk like Alan Carr.

HARRY: What does he mean chase the Dragon?

HERMIONE: He's suggesting you're on drugs.

HARRY: What! Drugs? Why would he think the world's greatest living wizard is on drugs? Watch me turn him into a Muggle (He flourishes his wand).

HERMIONE: Harry, he already is a Muggle. And so are we.

RON: No we are not! We are wizards, we are special.

DEREK MALFOY: You certainly are 'special' mate... (more sniggering).

RON: Do him Harry, use your wand.

(Harry flourishes his wand again)

HERMIONE: It's a stick.

RON: No it's not it's a wand.

HERMIONE: It's just a stick, I saw you pull it off that tree there.

RON: No I didn't.

DEREK MALFOY: Been talking to any hats recently Potter? (All the boys fall about laughing)

RON: Leave him Harry, come on let's use the cloak of invisibility and disappear.

HERMIONE: You can't, Mr Patel took it off you remember? When you were shoplifting a Mars bar from his shop?

HARRY: That was a Horcrux!

HERMIONE: It was a Mars bar and the cloak was Ron's see through rain poncho. Which was why Mr Patel could see you trying to steal it.

RON: Well if Harry is not a wizard why does he have a lightning scar on his forehead?

HARRY: Yes! It was put there by he who shall not be named.

HERMIONE: It was put there by Derek Malfoy with a marker pen. He just joined up some of your acne spots.

RON: So I suppose this is not Hogwarts school of Wizardry and Witchcraft then?

HERMIONE: It's Hounslow Comp in special measures.

HARRY: And I suppose Dumbledore is not the headmaster?

HERMIONE: Not since he was dismissed for coming to work in his dressing gown.

DEREK MALFOY: Oi Harry my pet snake is not talking to me, could you have a word with him? (All the boys laugh wildly)

HARRY: Right I'm going to show you Hermione, and I'm going to teach Derek er Draco a lesson. (He composes himself then sharply points his wand at Derek) Crucio!

(There is a flash and Derek leaps into the air with a scream then falls to the floor writhing about in agony - to the astonishment of the other boys)

HERMIONE: Very impressive Harry, but where the hell did you get a Taser from Ron?

INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY

PETER and GAIL are staring lovingly at their CHILD. GAIL is dressed up for a night out.

GAIL:
Right, I'd better put my shoes on, Andy will be here any minute.

The WIFE leaves to find shoes.

PETER:
It's good of your boss to take you out to say thank you for all the effort you've put in over the years.

SFX. DOORBELL. PETER gets up and answers the door to a Dragon (ANDY). He is wearing a bow tie.

PETER:
Andrew. Good to see you, do come in.

ANDY:
Please, Peter. Call me Andy.

PETER:
Sure, Andy.

They walk back to the living room and wait with the CHILD.

ANDY:
Getting big.

PETER:
Yeah...

The CHILD burps, emitting a short burst of flames. PETER and ANDY exchange glances.

PETER:
She's..er... just getting her shoes.

ANDY:
Right, yeah. Great.

END.

Scratchyr's sketch is funny but it goes on far too long. It should end with the dragon standing at the door. After that, he's just banging the joke home with a sledge hammer.

The sketch would also be far better if the couple were mythical creatures, rather than humans.

ST GEORGE: Step forth oh monstrous beast, so we may do holy battle and I will smite thee mightily...

DRAGON: Ooh, don't think so, cheers mate.

ST GEORGE: Leave thy lair, so my sword can righteously... Um ...cut you a new um...hole...

DRAGON: Ooh charming offer, but no.

ST GEORGE: I've got a Maiden out here if you fancy a nibble?

DRAGON: And if that doesn't lure me out you've gaffa taped some barbecued spare ribs to the front of your moped.

ST GEORGE: Look, I'm a Saint of the Christian Church! You gotta come out!

DRAGON: You're a second-hand car dealer from Bute Montana!

ST GEORGE: I've got a halo!

DRAGON: That's a hub cap from a Buick Centurian.

ST GEORGE: I ll give you a sporting chance buddy!...

DRAGON: You're going to catch me in that half-arsed trap thingy ( I can see the word 'Acme' written on the box). Then your friends, hiding behind that rock, from the Bute Montana Highway Patrol are going to finish me off in a hail of bullitts, saying I was resisting arrest and packing my own flame-thrower.

ST GEORGE: They're gonna say they warned you to put your hands behind your head!

DRAGON: I can't, my arms are very short and my neck is too long.

ST GEORGE: Dont know if it makes you feel any better, but our wives will love their new 'Versace' handbags.

DRAGON: And so ends the last of the dragons! Poor us! Always used as a symbol for dangerous 'foreign-ness' . We were Turks to the Crusaders, Catholics to the Protestants...

ST GEORGE: And we re gonna say you're an Hispanic Immigrant ( with one heluva case of 'taco-breath).

DRAGON: Ok, I'll sacrifice myself, if only in the hope there's a backlash and you ll have to go into hiding like that Dentist. Have you got your cell-phone ready to take the selfie?

ST GEORGE: No coverage here in 2nd Century Turkey, so we've brought this Monk along to do us an illuminated manuscript instead. -so if you don't mind holding still....

BOSS: Alright, troops, the shit's gone down and the balloon's gone up, although possibly not in that order: the Hanover Group are threatening to stop underwriting us following the publication of last quarter's figures. So I need ideas, people. It's all good, let's just brainstorm, throw anything at me, and we'll add it to the pot.

JEANETTE: Dragons.

BOSS: [Pause] Care to elaborate, Jeanette?

JEANETTE: Well, you know, I'm out loud on my feet here, but dragons.

STEVE: What about them?

JEANETTE: Some. Of them. Of dragons.

BOSS: Yes, right, so who's got any other -

JEANETTE: Hey, why aren't you writing that down for the pot? I want my idea in the pot!

STEVE: I'm not sure it's really a viable concept, Jeanette.

BOSS: Of course it's not a viable concept! It's not a concept at all, it's just a noun. You can't just say "Dragons" and expect us to change investment practice. I mean, dragons sounds like a pretty terrible start for a fiscal review policy, but at the least sketch out the rudiments of an actual strategy.

JEANETTE: I don't know! You can't expect me to come up with every finely tuned detail on the spot. Why don't one of you run with it.

STEVE: Run with it? Where to, Honah Lee? You can't come into an exec meeting, say "dragons" and just sit back, that's not a thing.

BOSS: It's literally not a thing. At least if you'd said "crayfish" or "monotremes" we'd have a head start in reality. I need better ideas.

JEANETTE: But you said "it's all good".

BOSS: Well, it looks as though you've tested that rule to breaking point, Jeanette.

JEANETTE: Oh, this is unfair! It's just like last week when we were discussing the Wallingberg account. "There's no such thing as a bad thought," you said, and yet when poor old Jeanette joins in, suddenly that's up the swanny.

STEVE: But it was a bad thought!

BOSS: The Chinese are sub-human monkeys? That was definitely a bad thought. The thought was inherently bad.

STEVE: You shouldn't even be having that thought long enough for us to be able to rate it at all, to be honest.

JEANETTE: Right! I think I know a witch-hunt when I see one. You need a patsy for the recent stock plummet, I get it. I'm no business dummy, I see that it's going to be me. Fine, but I want 12 month's salary to keep my mouth shut, and all the biros I can carry. Goodbye!

[SFX: Door slam]

BOSS: Thank God for that, I thought she'd never go. So, any little ideas before we wrap up?

STEVE: How about dragons?

BOSS: Nice idea, Steve. And what shall we do with them?

STEVE: We could send them to eat those filthy Chinese chimps.

BOSS: Someone just got promoted!

Quote: Rood Eye @ 10th August 2015, 9:18 AM BST

Scratchyr's sketch is funny but it goes on far too long. It should end with the dragon standing at the door. After that, he's just banging the joke home with a sledge hammer.

View original

I was pretty happy with the length, but have mulled this point over during the day and made an edit to bring it down. As I was intent on the final exchange staying in, I've cropped the first half down.

I know everyone's mad keen on the edit edit edit caper, and for good reason, but my particular taste/style is more in line with Big Train rather than Fast Show (if you know what I mean).

The sketch would also be far better if the couple were mythical creatures, rather than humans.

I did have a few variations: lizard/Bat, T-Rex/Pterodactyl and did consider briefly the monster thing but personally I just find the human/actual dragon combo to be funniest, for me.

cheers for taking the time to crit though, Roodeye

Quote: scratchyr @ 10th August 2015, 6:44 PM BST

I know everyone's mad keen on the edit edit edit caper, and for good reason, but my particular taste/style is more in line with Big Train rather than Fast Show (if you know what I mean).

View original

Editing involves a lot more than simply shortening.

It's all about cutting out dead wood.

When you edit, edit, edit (properly), you don't end up with 'The Fast Show', you end up with 'Fawlty Towers'.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 10th August 2015, 7:23 PM BST

Editing involves a lot more than simply shortening.

It's all about cutting out dead wood.

When you edit, edit, edit (properly), you don't end up with 'The Fast Show', you end up with 'Fawlty Towers'.

View original

One man's dead wood is another's life raft. I understand what you're saying and all that but I like a bit of fat on a sketch.

EXT. STREET. DAY.

A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON IS RUNNING AMOK AND INCINERATING LOADS OF SCREAMING PEOPLE TO DEATH.

DRUNK TRAMP:
'Scuse me mate... Could you stop from your wanton carnage and give me a light?

THE DRAGON POUNCES ON THE DRUNK TRAMP PINNING HIM TO THE GROUND. THE DRAGON THEN BRINGS OUT A ZIPPO AND LIGHTS THE ROLLIE CIGARETTE AND MOVES ON TO CONTINUE THE CARNAGE.

DRUNK TRAMP: (puffing on ROLLIE)
That's good shit.

Scratchyr for me, nice simple clean sketch with awkward finish. In my head saw this as a Yacob Wingnut cartoon.

Well done everyone else but I am a bit worried just how many drink references Michael knows...though I was hoping you might finish on the famous Best quote.

I'm happy rich and famous,
loving wine, women & song,
I sleep with film stars, models and miss worlds
And people still ask, 'where did It all go wrong?'

I agree, Scratchy for me.

Quote: playfull @ 12th August 2015, 10:09 AM BST

Scratchyr for me, nice simple clean sketch with awkward finish. In my head saw this as a Yacob Wingnut cartoon.

Well done everyone else but I am a bit worried just how many drink references Michael knows...though I was hoping you might finish on the famous Best quote.

I'm happy rich and famous,
loving wine, women & song,
I sleep with film stars, models and miss worlds
And people still ask, 'where did It all go wrong?'

View original

People say, 'Do you remember the first time you were drunk?' I say, 'No, I was drunk.'
Scratchyr again.

Has to be gappy. Loved it