Skit Comp 29.6.15 - 7.7.15

More hilarity ashag so congratulations to GAPPY for winning again. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Playfull, me
Speckled mention: Bushbaby, Steve Sunshine

Your new subject: PRESIDENTS (chosen by FUNY HA HA).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.7.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Darren
2 - 20 - Gappy
3 - 15 - me
4 - 10 - Funny Ha Ha, Tiggy
5 - 6 - Playfull
6 - 1 - Bushbaby

Priest said, 'If they have gay marriage I'll set myself on fire.' I never heard a more convincing argument for arson in my life. 'Arson fire?' Yes and the rest of 'im guys, come on!... But I don't get why the President denounced the police for firing on Gay Pride. Why? You're gay. A uniformed man with a hard helmet pulls his weapon out, points it at your face, shoots his load in your mouth... Problem?

"Hillary for President ... for now."

Easier-to-read pictorial web-version available at the link below: www.politicaldreamz.com/home/index/6151

Mobile version at the link below: www.politicaldreamz.com/mobile/index/6151

March 2015: Hillary Clinton dozes off under an avocado face-mask in her oxygen-chamber. She dreams that two of her Communications Team are sitting in a diner jotting down ideas for the video that will announce her presidential campaign ...

TOM:
So, apart from Hillary, who else is gonna be in this video?

JOSH:
Woah! Hillary is not in the video.

TOM:
But she's the candidate.

JOSH:
Yeah, but she's ... ye know.

TOM:
We have to include her. Otherwise, folks might get confused.

JOSH:
I think we should leave her out completely and finish with a simple message like "Clinton for 2016".

TOM:
Da fuq?

JOSH:
I know it sounds crazy but you never know ... viewers might think it's Bill.

TOM:
Or Chelsea.

JOSH:
Would that be so bad?

TOM:
I'm confused.

JOSH:
Okay. Let's park the Hillary issue for now and focus on the other participants. I'll talk, you write.

TOM:
Cool. So, who's in?

JOSH:
Minorities.

TOM:
Which ones?

JOSH:
All of them.

TOM:
Gays included?

JOSH:
Gays included.

TOM:
Are we talking straight, old-fashioned, the-sort-your-mom-can-understand kind of gay, or anyone at all from the LGBTQ community?

JOSH:
Remind me again, what does the Q stand for?

TOM:
Questioning.

JOSH:
Mmm. Let's stick with the "known knowns", shall we? Just write down "everyday gays". No necking or stuff -- just holding hands and maybe hugging.

TOM:
Everyday gays it is.

JOSH:
Okay ... and a token white.

TOM:
Just one?

JOSH:
Okay, put down "two" but no more than two. Liberals will understand why.

TOM:
Cool. Now, tell me: just how black do we want this video to be?

JOSH:
Not overly. We need to be selective. I reckon the viewing-public is tired of seeing a certain type of black face -- you know, angry ones ...

TOM:
Come again?

JOSH:
Angry black faces -- ones associated with all these cop-shootings and protests.

TOM:
That's a lot of black people. It doesn't leave us with much.

JOSH:
Think Tiger Woods cohort.

TOM:
Gotcha. [Writing.] Only happy, aspirational black people ... in chinos ... and tee-shirts ... with collars.

JOSH:
That's it. Strictly golf casual. By omitting angry black faces, we avoid associative thinking ... and stuff.

TOM:
[Writing] No associ ... how do you spell "associative"?

JOSH:
Just write "No thinking."

TOM:
Right! That's significant ethnic minority #1 dealt with ... and not a sprawling black suspect in sight.

JOSH:
You really do have a way with words. Now, who else?

TOM:
Celebrities?

JOSH:
Too early in the campaign.

TOM:
Sure. How about ... no.

JOSH:
Go on. Spit it out.

TOM:
I was going to suggest ... Muslims.

JOSH:
Well, "Black" kinda covers that, doesn't it?

TOM:
Yeah, broad strokes and all that. Kinda keeps with the golf motif. I mean, Muslims play golf, don't they? It's not, like, haram, or anything. Is it?

JOSH:
[Sighs.] Let's move on, shall we?

TOM:
Sure. Fire away.

JOSH:
We could always steal some of the Republican's thunder by including a few Vets.

TOM:
Like, with puppies?

JOSH:
No, like with a capital V -- VETS! -- as in the guys who left their legs behind them in Iraq so that you are free to run your mouth at meetings. Jeez!

TOM:
Ah, those vets. Right. My bad. [He scribbles.]

JOSH:
Okay, read that back to me. Who have we got so far?

TOM:
[Notes in hand.] One Maybe Hillary ...

JOSH:
Humpf!

TOM:
A parade of moderately demonstrative common-or-garden homosexuals ...

JOSH:
Check.

TOM:
Token white by two ...

JOSH:
Uh huh.

TOM:
... and a chopper full of Vets.

JOSH:
Roger that.

TOM:
And that's it.

JOSH:
Aren't you forgetting someone?

TOM:
Sorry. And blacks shot by jittery white cops ... zero.

JOSH:
Sweet. Shaping up nicely, eh?

TOM:
As the intern said ...

JOSH:
Jeez! Try to focus, would you? Here, jot down that the token whites should be doing something really white ... like , I dunno, growing vegetables or something.

TOM:
Gotcha. [Writing] Whites with green fingers, question mark.

JOSH:
Okay, now let's widen the demographic to include hipsters and hispanics ... speaking Spanish.

TOM:
What? Both of them speaking Spanish?

JOSH:
Just write it down -- I'll explain later. Also, add Asian-American, Native American, and, um, All-American.

TOM:
Technically, that could be one person.

JOSH:
Sorry?

TOM:
I mean, an Apache or a Cree or whatever is technically all of those things -- Asian-American 'cos he came across the Bering Strait 15,000 years ago, Native American 'cos he just is, and All-American in the sense that he was here long before any of us were. No?

JOSH:
Let's try to avoid historical nuance, yeah? This is America after all. Things get blurred ... mixed up.

TOM:
Sure, I was only saying ...

JOSH:
Please don't. [...] Now, who have we left out?

TOM:
Retirees -- Hillary's classmates.

JOSH:
Of course! The silver vote! Note down that we don't want to feature anyone particularly decrepit or impoverished for fear of putting a downer on the whole piece but ... um ...

TOM:
How about a person about to retire?

JOSH:
That's it! Someone driving off into the sunset of life.

TOM:
Literally?

JOSH:
I don't see why not.

TOM:
Cool.

JOSH:
All of which begs the question: What are all these people actually doing in the video? We need a scenario.

TOM:
Or scenarios plural.

JOSH:
Yeah ...

TOM:
How about a barbecue at the base of Mount Rushmore?

JOSH:
Nah. It would seem like we're putting Hillary up there with the great Presidents even before she has been elected. No, we need something simpler, something less grandiose. Something like ... um ...

TOM:
A shopping-mall? A town-hall meeting? A ... erm ...

JOSH:
Wait! Go back to your idea of including a retiree.

TOM:
[Looks into middle-distance.] Okay, I'm there.

JOSH:
And what are they doing?

TOM:
Driving their car into the sunset.

JOSH:
Not literally!

TOM:
Hnh?

JOSH:
They ... are .... getting ...

TOM:
A ticket?

JOSH:
No! They are getting ready!

TOM:
Like, fixing their hair and stuff?

JOSH:
No, getting ready for ... the next stage of their life ... the golden years.

TOM:
We can't have everyone retiring in the video! Everyone knows that we'll all be working well into our hospital years, what with the deficit and everything.

JOSH:
No, you dolt! Everyone is getting ready for their particular something -- like a new stage in their life, a new arrival, a new job, a new town, a new address like ...

TOM:
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

JOSH:
Am I a f*@king genius or what?

TOM:
You certainly are a f*@king genius or what!

JOSH:
Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you.

TOM:
So! Everyone is getting ready for their particular something, and Hillary is getting ready to be president ... [They high-five each other.] ... but there's one small problem.

JOSH:
What's that?

TOM:
According to you, she isn't even in the video.

JOSH:
So?

TOM:
We can't have her getting ready off-stage, saying stuff like: "I'm almost ready! I'll be with you in a minute ... I mean in January 2016. Meanwhile, could you zip Bill up?"

JOSH:
Don't get me wrong. She's in the video, alright, but as an absent presence.

TOM:
Absent presence! Dude, I started out on latrine-duty in a commercial ad company, and I didn't get to where I am today by theorizing the central subject off the screen. We placed the soda-pop, waffle, or whateverdafuk we were advertising center-stage ... lest there be any doubt ... know what I'm saying? So, we either include Hillary or go work for the Republicans. Capiche? [He sits back, exasperated.]

JOSH:
I still say the only reference to her should come at the very end and it should be "Clinton for 2016". Period.

TOM:
Just stahp!

JOSH:
Look, if you ask one hundred people on the street who is the current president of the United States, a significant number will confuse him with some guy in a body-bag at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

TOM:
You're right, but at least Osama Bin-Laden appeared in his own videos! Our candidate doesn't!

JOSH:
Okay, okay -- you win! Jeez! She can go in but only after most of the screen-time has been filled with hokum. Then, and only then, should she appear.

TOM:
Like "Champion the Wonder Horse"? To save the day and put everything right in the world?

JOSH:
Yeah, sort of.

TOM:
[He gnaws his lip for a moment and then ...] Agreed!

JOSH:
Great. Now, let's get a beer.

TOM:
[Standing and waving his notes in the air.] You know, I'm not sure how much of this will fly with the Chief but I'm sure as hell gonna fight for my Apache!

JOSH:
[Laughs.] You crazy fool. We'll try and shoe-horn him in at the end or at least allude to him. Okay?

TOM:
Yessss!

[He whoops and starts a rain-dance around the diner before slipping on a coffee-spill and cracking his nut against a table.]

[Hillary is awakened by the sound of the oxygen-chamber being cranked open. She peers at her assistant and says: "Get me Jennifer Palmieri on the line ... now!"] [END]

DID ANY OF THE GUYS' IDEAS MAKE IT INTO HILLARY'S VIDEO? SEE THE FINISHED PRODUCT BELOW:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=N708P-A45D0

SPEECH WRITER: "Ok, so Mr Obama let's take a look..."

OBAMA: "Please, call me 'Mr President Obama'"

SPEECH WRITER: "Right, Mr President Obama...Lets take..."

OBAMA: "You from the South aren't you?"

SPEECH WRITER: "Yes I'm from Atlanta."

OBAMA: "Well in that case you can call me Mr President Obama Sir."

SPEECH WRITER: "Mr President Obama Sir?"

OBAMA: "Yes or if you prefer just plain 'Massa'"

SPEECH WRITER: "Ok... so if we can address the changes you made to today's speech, 'Massa'. You mention bombing The UK back to the stone age..."

OBAMA: "Its ok... I was only f**king with you..."

SPEECH WRITER: "Thank god, I mean bombing the UK, you had me going there..."

OBAMA: "No! I want to bomb the limey bastards. I meant you don't have to call me Massa! Just call me Mr President...Sir

SPEECH WRITER: "But they are our allies, we normally bomb places with the British. It's kind of a tradition.

OBAMA: "Are you sure?" The Writer nods. "Well who the f**k do I want to bomb?"

SPEECH WRITER: "The Islamic State? Syria? Iran?"

OBAMA: "Canada, can we bomb Canada?"

SPEECH WRITER: "No Mr President, they are our friends too."

OBAMA: "Ok so the first one then?"

SPEECH WRITER: "Islamic State? ISIS?"

OBAMA: "Eye cyst? Wow that's a really dumb name. We should totally bomb them, blow their damn puss eyed country to pieces."

SPEECH WRITER: "We can't do that sir, they don't have a country."

OBAMA: "What, like the Mexicans?"

SPEECH WRITER: "No Mr President, the Mexicans do have a country."

OBAMA: "Yes I know, ours!...You did not see that coming did you? You should put some funny stuff like that into my speeches."

SPEECH WRITER: "If I could suggest Mr President, as today's speech is to a kinder garden class, maybe we should stay away from bombing completely?

OBAMA: "Awwwww... why have I got to meet with a bunch of five year olds anyway?"

SPEECH WRITER: "It was your wife's idea Sir. She wanted them to have another go at explaining how the economy works to you..."

1: Is it alright to kill a mallard?

2: Pardon me?

1: A mallard. A duck. Is it OK to kill a duck? Because, I know you can't kill a swan. Because it's bad luck.

2: It's not bad luck.

1: Sorry, because it's good luck.

2: No! It's illegal. Because of the royal family.

1: That I did not know.

2: Oh, yes. Prince Charles . Prince Charles owns all the swans that are washed up on Cornish beaches.

1: Is that many?

2: Don't know. But he owns all the other swans, too. Prince Charles owns all the swans.

1: What does he do with them? Eat them?

2: Watches them. So he can catch a swan killer amongst the laity.

1: That's terrible. That's entrapment.

2: I know.

1: Letting his swans wander free as parsley. He should fence them up.

2: That would be tough. There are a lot of swans out there.

1: That's my point. But he can afford the fence. If there's one family in Britain who can afford a paddock, it's the Windsors.

2: I guess.

1: Yeah. [Pause] So, what about America?

2: Oh, Prince Charles doesn't own America. Not for some centuries.

1: No, who owns the American swans?

2: I think the Yankee landfowl is subject to varying state laws.

1: Swanflesh federalism? That sounds odd.

2: No, wait, it's not that, it's the presidents. In America, the presidents own all the swans.

1: All the presidents? not just the incumbent?

2: Yes, all of them. All the living presidents. I think there are enough swans to go round.

1: Tell that to Prince Charles. Hey, I thought they didn't have swans in America.

2: Course they do.

1: No, you're thinking of Canada geese.

2: Oh, right. Cor, I wonder what presidents eat, then.

1: Don't you know? I thought you were an expert on this stuff.

2: I'm not.

1: Oh, I see. But, you're still sure it's basically alright to kill a duck?

2: Oh, yes, no doubt about that.

1: Right. [Beat] I killed a duck.

2: You evil f**k!

Awesome! Playfull this time but I liked them all.

Difficult one - liked Stylee's dismissive 'CRAP BBC STUDIO BAND MUSIC' line

Liked some of the stuff in Gusto's though it could have been cut back a lot.

Gappy baffled me with his original post - I thought it was his way of committing Skip Comp suicide (Till he posted the full skit).

So despite Michaels 'Arson Fire' I am going for Stylee.

Sorry about mine. I did paste it all in last night...or at least I thought I had! Luckily I was able to repost this morning.

I agree, it was a fun week. Michael's was cheeky; Gusto's was nicely observed, in a Long Johns type way, if probably in need of a trim; Playfull's was well written, if a bit on the nose perhaps; so Stylee gets my vote.

Good work all round but playfull for me with Stylee TingTing a close second.