Mum was always quite nice to me. I mean, I know she had the bad thoughts and I know she tried to get me aborted. It's pretty bad I suppose but she didn't actually do it. And anyway, it's all just water under the bridge now, and like she said, she was pretty drunk at the time.

Actually it was quite lucky she was drunk. I'd just come home from work when she told me about it so it was a bit of a heavy conversation. I don't even remember it, I was probably drunk too, I guess.

She said she tried using an old coat hanger. She said it was a bit rusty and thought it would do the job but I think it just scratched my arm a bit. Either that or something else happened. Maybe I just fell over again. I don't know, I don't really remember anymore. I'm just trying to get on with my life. And it was a few weeks ago now anyway so I'm not that bothered. Not really.

Maybe she should've tried harder.

you don't like it then mate - I'm just trying to do something a bit different with my writing

If the something a bit different is not to be funny, just a bit disgusting, you've succeeded.

you want to see the rest of my stuff mate - this is mild, lol.

like my gran slurs, different strokes for different folks

You're tackling a legitimate yet very difficult topic here, in that if it's not funny it crashes hard. Woody Alan and Joan Rivers were probably the best at writing about a tough upbringing e.g. "all my bath toys had plugs on them". But they kept it jovial short and snappy. Your stuff isn't.

A number of serious comedians put on a mask when they perform, Davey. It's not about telling the truth-it's about telling a comic version of the truth.

There might be something here for a serious talk, but not a comedy act.

It just sounds too much like some peoples' actual experiences to me.

"I nearly never made it here tonight, but fortunately 40 years ago my mum said to my dad No I'm not having an abortion!!!"

And when I tried to do myself in I took a parachute just to be on the safe side...

Quote: Tiggy @ 2nd June 2015, 9:39 AM BST

It just sounds too much like some peoples' actual experiences to me.

View original

This

We're trying to come up with an act here, Loopey!

My mums really nice. Well that's a bit general. She's really nice now but she told me recently that she was a bit ... silly sometimes when she was pregnant with me. She never actually went to a clinic or anything, she isn't like that, she just told me that when nobody was looking she would just do things like throw herself down the stairs or accidentally on purpose have a car crash, lol. That sort of thing. It's OK though, we all do stupid things when we're drunk don't we.

It's been like that all through my life, to be honest. Like just last week, for no reason whatsoever, she started attacking me with this old coat hanger. I keep telling her it's too late, I'm 38 now for Christs sake. But she doesn't understand and so we had a big row again. It's always the same so I just kept quiet and after all she had me me breakfast. It was her usual, morning after pills on toast.

Much "better". I'd hint a bit more about her trying to lose the baby in the first half.

Recognisably humour now, a lot of people will really hate it, but some will laugh.

You wouldn't be Davey J Smith?