So here we are eh, first ever stand up script, bit weird to say I am not even standing just typing on a computer sat down online... and talking to I don't even know who, I mean you could be from around the world and I don't even know where. (This next bit will not work as you can't here my voice or see me...) But now I want you guys to try and guess where I am from just by how I look and my accent, go on try.

Well I was actually born in Lincolnshire, all my family are umm strong northerners is one way to put it all enjoy *accent "going up t' pub" and etcetera... But I have lived in a town called ********** since the age of 3 and till now, so it would have been very hard to guess where I am from. You see ********** is situated in a very how to I say... 'uncomfortable' place. Not Birmingham neither Worcester. So when we tell people 'we live in ***********' we always get the same old "oh ohhh brum brum *accent Birmingham" However we would much rather be recognised to be from Worcester ummm you know for obvious reasons *cough, mumble.

I do notice whenever we do go to Yorkshire to visit all our family, my mum suddenly gets a much stronger accent, which leads on to avoiding the word 'the' and replace it with t' or just not using it at all! This brings sentence to sound very un-joined. For example 'will you please take out the bins" magically turns into "take out t' bins will ya!" How can somewhere which is surrounded by other places that speak normally just speak so absurdly! Similarly "Isnt it" spontaneously transforms to "int it" ... "Int"... "INT"..."I-N-T" What is INT, just think about how the word looks INT.

This is all I have got so far so I hope it was alright, please give feedback and lots of advice for me and thank you if you have read my small 'script'

Terrible.

Don't want to be cruel & prefer to be constructive but honestly have no idea where to start with this. Genuinely read that through without smiling yet alone laughing, then reread it to make sure there wasn't some subtle undertone I wasn't picking up on, but no.

There is a lot you can do with this idea, Michael McIntyre has a great bit about the use of "t" instead of "the" making references to the band The The & The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe. Problem is at the moment it feels more like a narrative without any actual jokes.

If you want to talk about your upbringing & past maybe some stories from your past, embellish them if needed to make them funnier.

Good luck. And remember, as Hemmingway himself said "The first draft of anything is shit."

Quote: AliciA Comedy @ 8th April 2015, 6:35 PM BST

This brings sentence to sound very un-joined.

View original

Perish then thought.

Most of this depends on how you perform it, and you might be very good, but really you coudl do with writing some jokes to build the routine around. At the moment you've got "people in the North say t'", which won't be news to anyone, and something I didn't understand about Worcester.

So, go a bit further out in your thinking, adapt and twist the observation(s). I'm not a particular fan of Mcintyre, but you have to admit that wondering how they say The The in Yorkshire is a nice idea.

This really boils down to the basic technique of building a joke.

So mentioning 'int it' is not really sufficiently funny in itself.
It represents an idea for a gag.
You now need to find a comic turn for it.

When might it prove absolutely inappropriate to say that? Then build a short anecdote in which your relative used it, causing maximum embarrassment.
Could it be misunderstood by sounding like another word or expression when used in another situation?
Can you build a play on words with it?
Can you construct a Victoria Wood style rhyme or song using this?
Could it cause consternation with someone whose first language isn't English? Or with an American?
And so on....

Right now with 'int it' you have an idea which may work for a setup.
The same with the apparent snootiness about a Worcester postcode.

But each of these is merely a premise from which a setup might be crafted from which the pay-off will get you a laugh.
I don't think you yet have two ready jokes with these ideas, merely the bases from which possibly to craft two gags.

So it is not that there is nothing there at all. It simply hasn't evolved far enough yet. It needs more work.

The problem here is that, to build, say, half a dozen jokes, you'll need dozens of basic ideas - most of which won't work.
So with only two basic ideas, there is nothing to guarantee you will be able to build even one joke for sure.

So right now, you are pretty far away from this being a stand up script.
After all, even if your gags were fully formed, there would still only be two of them.

As Gappy says, Michael Mcintyre's 'The the' stand-up routine would be the place to start for research.
There are also dozens of books on basic joke techniques you can get hold of.

So don't give up.
But realise that creating gags takes plenty of legwork. And technique.

But to quote Captain Jason Nesmith,
'Never give up. Never surrender.'

Firstly well done for having a go. Secondly you've got about a few seconds of material, you want to have at least 5 minutes or longer. On the downs side your feedback has been good. Don't be put off by GuFinkey's ridiculous name, he makes some jolly good points you know. Immerse yourself in the very best comedy you can find, and it will start to rub off. Just live breath and write comedy. I found that it took several years of trying really, really hard, before I got paid for comedy. So keep going, so long as you enjoy it.