More hilarity amammie so congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - me

Your new subject: ECLIPSE (chosen by LEE). (Eclipses are rare. They only occur once in a blue moon. See what I did there?)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.4.15 (bit more due to Newsjacking)

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 31 - Gappy
2 - 30 - Lee
3 - 5 - Tursiops, Darren, Blobster, Dave C, Stylee Ting Ting, me
4 - 1 - Steve Sunshine

- I'm on a nudist beach with my boy child under the blazing sun...

- Sun cream?

- I think he just did.

INT. SKY WATCH TV STUDIO - DAY

PROF. O'BRIAIN
Hello and welcome to Spring Watch Meets The Sky At Night AKA Spring Night, I mean Sky Watch! I am your host Prof. Brian O'Briain and I am joined by some random f**kwit comedian because just in case you find me too boring you might recognize him... Dara Cox!

DARA COX
Hello, hello, hello!

PROF. O'BRIAIN
Hello.

DARA COX
Hello...

PROF. O'BRIAIN
Eh. [beat] Yes, so we have a very special show, because as you will know, today a very special event is happening! Today we will witness a solar eclipse!

DARA COX
Yes and joining us to witness this spectacular event will be are very special guest, the star of the show, the moon!

PROF. O'BRIAIN
Well technically the sun is the star of the show.

DARA COX
What?

PROF. O'BRIAIN
The moon is just a natural satellite orbiting the earth, a rock formed over 4 billion years ago, a celestial object that is majestically dancing with our planet around the sun, the sun literally being what US scientist refer to as a star.

DARA COX
OK.

PROF. O'BRIAIN
And to demonstrate that, I have some random objects that will represent this. [he reaches into his pockets] So imagine the packet of cigarettes is the earth, and this receipt is the moon and you are the earth...

DARA COX
OK. But what about using some fancy CGI?

PROF. O'BRIAIN
Ah, we would but we can't exactly.

DARA COX
And why not?

PROF. O'BRIAIN
So this is the earth...

DARA COX
Is it because all of the BBC's science budget was spent on your other series, Wonder of The World?

PROF. O'BRIAIN
Um... [pointing out of the window] Look the eclipse is happening!

He runs away.

DARA COX
Um, well, yes. There you have it...

From outside the window, Prof. O'Briain appears and waves his naked arse at Dara.

PROF. O'BRIAIN
How do you like this moon?

DARA COX
Um...

PROF. O'BRIAIN
I'm a scientist goddamit! I work at CERN!

DARA COX
Well, I'm a little conCERNd about your behaviour.

PROF. O'BRIAIN
WE MUST WORSHIP THE SUN, THE MOON, TODAY IS OUR APOCALYPSE, TODAY WE ARE REBORN!

Prof. starts to strip naked and pray towards the skies! He dances around ritualistically whislt smoking a cigarette like it's a joint! Dara looks on in horror.

FADE OUT...

"20 Mins later..."

FADE IN:

PROF. and Dara are back in front of the camera.

PROF. O'BRIAIN
Well that was a bit of a disappointment.

DARA COX
Well, we can't control the weather, clouds will be clouds.

PROF. O'BRIAIN
[to camera]
See you all in 70-odd years for the next one! I'm off for a shit.

He lights a cigarette and walks out of frame.

END.

Eclipse

INT. OFFICE. SIGN ON THE WALL READS 'CAPTAIN MUNCHEES FAMILY FISH RESTAURANT - THE HOME OF HARRY THE HALIBUT!'. JACK, THE RESTAURANT MANAGER, SITS AT DESK. OPPOSITE HIM SITS REG, A MAN DRESSED IN A HALIBUT COSTUME.

JACK: How long have you been our mascot, Reg?

REG: Twenty glorious years of 'Harry the Halibut'!

JACK: That's a long time to be a rollerskating Halibut, isn't it? I bet there are times when you think 'Oh, I wish I was at home with my feet up instead of rollerskating outside a family fish restaurant in the pouring rain'?

REG: No. I love my job and the rain makes my tinfoil scales glisten. I want to die in this Halibut suit. In fact, I'd like to be buried in it.

JACK: That would be the only course of action anyway, we can't re-use a costume that someone's died in, it's basic Food Hygiene.

REG: Good, because I love this suit and I love my job!

JACK: This is very difficult for me to say, Reg.

REG: Why? Are you having a stroke?! Badoom-tish!

JACK: That's actually an excellent example of one of the issues I need to raise with you, Reg. Your sense of humour, it's..

REG: Infectious?

JACK: No, although that also reminds me of an issue we need to discuss. Apparently you told some customers that you have a venereal disease?

REG: It was a joke! I haven't had a venereal disease for months!

JACK: Reg, some of the 'jokes' you're making with customers, they are-

REG: Razor sharp?

JACK: No, but again, reminds me of a matter we need to discuss, which is your insistence on carrying a concealed weapon.

REG: Just a pen knife, purely for self defence and occasionally for opening bottles.

JACK: Are you still drinking at work? I thought we-

REG: I'm not drinking at work.

JACK: Good.

REG: I only drink before and after work.

JACK: Okay, well, that's not ideal but-

REG: Look, what's all this about, Jack? I don't have much time, I'm due to rollerskate around the car park in three minutes, blowing ping pong balls out of my arse for the kids.

JACK: Why would a Halibut be blowing ping pong balls out of its arse?!

REG: Let's not look behind the curtain here, Jack. We start by asking questions about halibuts and ping pong balls, the next thing you know we're asking why this halibut is on rollerskates, then why this Halibut smells of Bacardi Breezers and before you know it the whole concept of 'Harry The Halibut' is collapsing around our ears!

BEAT

JACK: It's over, Reg.

REG: Good, I'll get back to work!

JACK: No, 'Harry The Halibut', it's over.

REG: What?!

JACK: This isn't an easy decision, Reg, but times are changing, 'Harry the Halibut' is old fashioned, he's been eclipsed, we're getting a new mascot.

REG: Oh, that's fine, I thought you were sacking me!

JACK: I am.

REG: After twenty years of loyal fish-themed mascotting?! This is appalling! I suppose you've got some trendy young mascot lined up to replace me?!

JACK: We're interviewing potential candidates tomorrow.

REG: But I've got lots of other ideas! Trendy and modern ideas!

JACK: Reg...

REG: Erm...err....'Harry the Hipster Halibut'! Bang up to date! He's swapped the rollerskates for a Penny Farthing! He's got a waxed moustache and he's opening a pop-up micro brewery in an as yet ungentrified part of Shoreditch!

JACK: No.

REG: Erm...Oh, how about 'Keith The Wi-Fi Prawn'! He's got an ipad gaffer-taped to his head so he can play music and movies! You can plug your iphone into his rectum to recharge it while you eat!

JACK: What is it with you and rectums?!

REG: Okay, forget about rectums! How about 'Sammy the Social Media Scampi'! He tweets and blogs! He snapchats and instagrams! He has rough sex in bushes with men he meets on Grindr!

JACK: More rectums! Reg, I can't let you work here anymore. You're old and past it, we need someone new and fresh! And if that wasn't enough reason to let you go, you are also a knife-wielding alcoholic pervert who, sooner or later, is going to seriously hurt someone.

REG: But I need a job! What am I going to do?!

BEAT

JACK: 'Top Gear' Host?

I thought "ECLIPSE" were an environmentally friendly way for women to hold their hair back!!!!

DR: Ah, there you are, Mrs Kennilworth. Good to meet you, I'm your doctor.

EMMA: Doctor...?

DR: Yes, that's right, doctor. Medicine, health, that sort of thing. Now, I have the endoscopy results here, Mrs Kennilworth

EMMA: Oh, please, call me Emma

DR: By all means. I have the endoscopy results here, Mrs Emma Kennilworth. I think we've managed to rule out angina as the cause of the discomfort in your chest.

EMMA: That's good.

DR: Yes. But we have pinpointed the problem. It's a, err, rather rare condition.

EMMA: Oh, that's bad. That's bad, isn't it?

DR: Yes, and no. I'm afraid that there's very little we can do, and it is likely that you will continue to experience these mild pains for the rest of your life.

EMMA: Oh, they're not so bad really.

DR: That is good to hear, Mrs Kennilworth comma Emma. But that's it, really. Apart from ruling out some of the more strenuous athletic activities, I see no reason why your condition should be any real cause for concern.

EMMA: I am glad. So what is it?

DR: Your bronchial region has contracted, and your hepatic organ has become vertically diverted, thus obscuring your entire cardiac system.

EMMA: Erm, I'm not sure I quite...

DR: Oh, do forgive me Mrs Emma Kennilworth nee Duwenhogger, I do slip into jargon. In short, your lungs and liver have moved a bit, so that they're in front of your heart. You'll get a bit of pain from the increased pressure, but nothing to cause any sleepless nights.

EMMA: Oh! [FORCED LAUGH] A total eclipse of the heart!

DR: Yes. A total eclipse of the heart. How on earth did you know that term?

EMMA: It's, err, quite famous.

DR: Is it? I didn't know that Professor Godalski's work was so well known outside of the field. It's a very rare condition.

EMMA: No, it's a song. You know [SINGS BADLY, NO REAL TUNE] "Every now and again I turn around....bright, err, heart."

DR: Oh, my, yes, I have heard that composition. Do you know, I'd simply never thought of it. Total eclipse of the heart: yes, that *is* a song...as well a freakish jumble of viscera. [LAUGHS]

EMMA: [LAUGHS] Oh, Dr, to think I was so worried, and I only had a little touch of the Tylers!

DR: [CHUCKLES] Yes. And you also have Rocking Pneumonia and Boogie-Woogie Flu.

EMMA: [LAUGHS] Blimey! And what are they like?

DR: [SERIOUS] They're fatal. I'll give you a fortnight.

[DR exits humming "Total Eclipse Of The Heart"]

Gappy.

Bit confused by Lee's, was this a parody of a show those two have actually been in? Because it was kind of entertaining, but I couldn't really get a grip on it.

Quite enjoyed the two one-liners, but it's Courthouse who takes my vote this week.

Gappy

Quote: gappy @ 7th April 2015, 3:38 PM BST

Bit confused by Lee's, was this a parody of a show those two have actually been in? Because it was kind of entertaining, but I couldn't really get a grip on it.

Quite enjoyed the two one-liners, but it's Courthouse who takes my vote this week.

View original

It was a parody of Stargazing Live hosted by Dara O'Briain and Brian Cox on BBC2.

Quote: Lee @ 7th April 2015, 6:34 PM BST

It was a parody of Stargazing Live hosted by Dara O'Briain and Brian Cox on BBC2.

View original

Ah, not the sort of thing I'd ever watch, so somewhat lost on me. I'm sure others appreciated it.

You're not missing much!

Yerse, Gapsy.

It is really good Lee but Gappy just pipped it for me. I love Brian Cox

Lee for me.