ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS
Italian Company to Market Vending Machine that Produces Fresh Pizza . Japan already has machine that makes fresh sushi - the Ocean.
Bond movie makers refused permission to film in Welsh Assembly building- headquarters of sinister Crime Empire, led by Supervillain Sir Tom Jones, sat in his big revolving chair from The Voice.
Putin back at work after his 'disappearance', following similar case with Kim Jong Un, are leaders secretly being replaced by lookalikes? Watch out for Ed Miliband looking 'normal' eating bacon butty!
VIEWSJACK

LOUD BRIT: " French Culture Secretary admits defeat,"Powerless to stop invasion of foreign words into language'- Typical.. France Surrenders! 'Deja vu' innit ?
ARTY WOMAN: " Spanish Woman claims to be Salvador Dali's daughter. Well, she has got his moustache... But both eyes on the same side of her nose- maybe she's one of Picasso's?
DOUR BLOKE: " Bride Cancels Wedding When Groom Fails Maths Test- I failed mine and she still married me- I didn't add up 'the last time we had sex to our wedding date' meant she was 10 months pregnant!

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

1. An Ayrshire man who robbed a shop and left behind his DNA in a fizzy drinks can, will spend the next 4 years behind Barr's. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-31698477

2. Sewers in Stockholm have been designed with technology to sniff out bombs. Stink bombs and dirty bombs. The system appears to be working. So far no-one has let one off. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-29354579

3. Olympic Swimmer, Michael Phelps has made a big splash, after pleading guilty to drink driving. It appears that not only he swims like a fish, he drinks like one also. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-30552150

This was one of my rejected one-liners:

An Indian bride jilted her husband to be at the alter because he couldn't perform a simple maths task.

The groom's father later said, "I knew there was something strange about that woman. Cold and calculating!! What sort of person brings a calculator to their wedding?"

I filmed my rejects from series 10...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzEqA0S9BOQ

I too rejected Newsjack.

To be fair, most of the rejected jokes are pretty poor,

You're not from these parts, are you?

So it begins...

I was rather pleased with my Wes Craven one.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Angelina Jolie quits her landmine charity after trustees pay themselves £120,000 a year. "I can't work with people who earn huge amounts of money and don't deserve it", says the star of not one but two "Tomb Raider" films.
2. Reject 'Alice in Wonderland' politics of Corbyn, Blair tells Labour. Ironic coming from the man who's been through the looking glass and down the rabbit whole.

VIEWJACK:
1. So the Beeb are gonna broadcast in North Korea. Apparently, they're suspicious of dealing with a corrupt, shadowy regime, but they will get 'The Archers'.
2. Shame about that teenager who died while taking a selfie with a gun. At least it was over in a flash.
3. I see the guy who directed 'Nightmare on Elm Street' passed away. He was found dead on his bedroom ceiling.

Quote: Michael Hughes @ 11th September 2015, 7:35 AM BST

2. Shame about that teenager who died while taking a selfie with a gun.

View original

I'd be surprised if they ever used something about such a tragedy.

Fair point.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Justin Bieber gets his first UK number 1 hit, with millions of Britons lining up to give him his second, third, fourth, fifth...

2. Labour narrowly missed the transfer deadline this week, losing out on star striker Jeremy Corbyn - the unions love a striker. Labour will now be taking on Nick Clegg, on loan from the Liberal Democrats, who holds the record for most own goals in a parliamentary term.

3. Canon have developed a 250 mega-pixel camera, sensitive enough to read lettering on a plane 11.1 miles away. It's so sensitive that it can almost make out my - Nish Kumar's - penis. Thank you Radio 4.

VIEWJACK:
1. "All those tech companies - Amazon, Netflix, Google, Microsoft - they're all meeting to choose a next-generation video format, right? I think they're going to come to the conclusion that VHS was fine, why do we need to keep inventing stuff?"

2. "I saw Google's new logo was drawn by crayon. My 2 year old daughter draws with crayons, but her page rank algorithm is much more inferior in every technical measure. The first 10 results are all ice cream flavours."

3. "Did you see Catherine Zeta Jones filled her pool with inflatable swans because her team Swansea beat Manchester United? That's the behaviour of a crazy person. I mean, she should be putting inflatable swans in the sea. Swan-sea, see?"

Breaking

1. This week, Her Majesty becomes the oldest English queen ever. Sir Ian McKellen was not available for comment.

2. 100 monoliths have been found near Stonehenge. Their original purpose is still unclear, but it's hoped etchings on the stone will help explain the point of Donald Trump.

Viewjack

3. I'm not bothering with this series of Big Brother. I'm waiting for the one with celebrities.

Luckily, it wasn't all bad news

Quote: Steev @ 11th September 2015, 12:04 PM BST

1. This week, Her Majesty becomes the oldest English queen ever.

View original

Actually, she achieved that record in 2007.

This week, she became the longest-reigning British monarch.

Quote: martinw @ 11th September 2015, 11:13 AM BST

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Justin Bieber gets his first UK number 1 hit, with millions of Britons lining up to give him his second, third, fourth, fifth...

View original

Like the above.
Appreaciate you view on theses:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. The Russian government has announced tough action against the cannibal killer dubbed the Granny Ripper. They will be forcing her to present new evidence by using a gagging order.

2. After Corbyn's women only tube carriages were felt to be a step backwards, he now advises concerned women to always sit at the back of the bus.

3. The Chinese stock exchange took another dive as half a million people, effected by the resent explosion at a chemical factory in Eastern China, all put in a whiplash claim.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 11th September 2015, 2:53 PM BST

Appreaciate you view on theses:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. The Russian government has announced tough action against the cannibal killer dubbed the Granny Ripper. They will be forcing her to present new evidence by using a gagging order.

2. After Corbyn's women only tube carriages were felt to be a step backwards, he now advises concerned women to always sit at the back of the bus.

3. The Chinese stock exchange took another dive as half a million people, effected by the resent explosion at a chemical factory in Eastern China, all put in a whiplash claim.

View original

I'm no expert (and have not been accepted yet by Newsjack), so ignore at will, but I think all three of these feel longer than they need to be. The examples of Breaking News they have on their website are all short sentences.

1 doesn't quite work for me - perhaps not a story I'm familiar with, and the gagging order pun doesn't quite flow.