Skit Comp 3 - 11.3.15

More hilarity acock so congratulations to GAPPY and LEE for winning. PM me with a subject apiss for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy, Lee
1 - 5 - Darren, Blobster
Speckled mention: Stylee Ting Ting, Steve

Your new subject: CAMP (chosen by GAPPY).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 11.3.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
Votes - Points - Name
1 - 21 - Gappy
2 - 20 - Lee
3 - 5 - Darren, Blobster Dave C, Stylee Ting Ting

[US ACCENTS, IF POSSIBLE. IF NOT, NEVER MIND, WE'RE ONLY HUMAN]

1: Hi there, buddy, welcome to Camp Beauchamp.

2: Hey, good day to you. I was wondering whether I could hire your camp's facilities for my youth group this year.

1: Sure thing, what date did you have in mind, sir?

2: I kinda had my eye on the 2nd weekend in August.

1: OK, let's take a look at the bookings, shall we? Oh, no, I'm afraid that weekend is already booked. What a pity. We've got Band Camp coming up then.

2: Is that a camp for people in a band?

1: You got it.

2: Figures. No matter. How about 3rd weekend in August?

1: Umm....no, looks as though that's booked up for Spanish Camp.

2: What, a camp for people who are Spanish?

1: No, no, sir, what an amusing misapprehension. No, Spanish Camp is for people who want to learn Spanish. Shall I check the next weekend?

2: Would you?

1: Alrighty, let's turn the page and - oh, what bad luck, that's booked up for Christian Camp.

2: So, what, that's for people who want to learn Christianity?

1: Gosh, no, they're already good old Christians. I guess they want to learn to be more Christian. And the first weekend in September is out too, that's when we have Fat Camp.

2: For people who want to get more fat!?

1: Course not! It's for people who want to lose the fat. It's a sort of boot camp.

2: For people who want to lose their boots?

1: No.

2: For people who've already lost their boots?

1: You lost me.

2: People who already got boots? People who want to get boots? No, wait, people who have boots but they want...some bigger...boots? Spanish boots..?

1: No, it's - what?

2: Come on, your camps are completely confusing, I don't know whether I'm coming or going over here, lady!

1: Well, look, sir, tell you what: just forget about all the other camps. They don't matter. All you need to remember is that Camp Beauchamp has all the facilities you need to run a classic camp.

2: Like tents?

1: Well, alright, not tents. But, you know, everything else. Trees and mosquitoes and illicit sexual awakenings. You guys will love it. Oh, and look, second weekend in September is free, shall I pencil you in?

2: Yeah, sure. Hey, sorry about all that, it's been a rough week. OK, put down 2nd weekend in September for our Summer Camp.

1: I think strictly September counts as fall, sir.

2: Jesus Christ, it's just a name, get over it!

EXT. CATTLE TRAIL CAMP.

THE COOK IS PREPARING SUPPER IN A BIG POT OVER THE CAMPIRE. HE IS RATHER CAMP.

COOK
Grubs up!

ENTER THE TRAIL BOSS, AND COWHANDS, HANK, PETE AND SETH. THEY FILL THEIR PLATES AND SIT ROUND THE CAMPFIRE

TRAIL BOSS
This is what I need after a day in the saddle. A plate of pork and beans. (LOOKS AT PLATE) These ain't beans.

COOK
It's a spagbol. I thought you might like a change.

TRAIL BOSS
We're cowhands. We eat beans.

COOK (HOLDING NOSE AND FLAPPING HAND IN FRONT OF IT)
Tell me about it! In camp last night you could have cut the atmosphere with a spoon.

HANK (EXCITED)
Oo, Oo, could we have that there spaghetti with them shapes like you get in words?

COOK (CLAPPING HANDS TOGETHER)
Alphabetti spaghetti? That would be fun!

TRAIL BOSS
Hank, you can't write your own goddam name; you makes your mark. You don't need the whole goddam alphabet, youse could make do with a plate of Xs. And we ain't having any type of goddam spaghetti.

PETE
Hows about Macaroni? With maybe a cheese sauce...

COOK
Oh yum!

TRAIL BOSS
We aint having no goddam macaroni! And we ain't having no vermicelli, rigatoni, penne, linguine, fettucini, pappardelle, farfalle, conchiglie, or goddam godnabbit tortellini.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE

HANK
Ravioli's good.

PETE
Yeah, but needs parmesan. And a twist of black pepper...

TRAIL BOSS
We're having beans, pork 'n' beans.

SETH (LOOKING AT SOMETHING ON HIS FORK)
Er, Boss, this ain't pork. Don't rightly know what animal it is.

COOK
It's tofu, silly. Ever so nutritious, just the thing for you big strong boys.

HANK
'S real good.

COOK
And no little piggies had to go to any nasty slaughterhouse.

HANK
'S right?

PETE
You know, I'm quite partial to them nut cutlets...

COOK
I'll do them tomorrow - just for you!

THE TRAIL BOSS (HEAD IN HANDS)
Seth, tell them, just tell them.

SETH (SHIFTS AWKWARDLY)
Well, too much meat can increase the risk of colon cancer and heart disease...

THE COOK JUMPS UP AND DOWN AND CLAPS HIS HANDS.

TRAIL BOSS (TO COWHANDS)
Now lookee here. We's driving ten thousand head of these here doggies to the goddam meat packing plant, and youse varmits is turning goddam veggie?

HANK, PETE & SETH (HANGING THEIR HEADS)
Sorry Boss.

TRAIL BOSS
Ah, to hell with it.

HE PUSHES HIS PLATE AWAY, AND TAKES A SWIG OF COFFEE.
That sure is one good cup of coffee.

COOK
Oh, do you like it? It's decaff.

THE TRAIL BOSS SPLURTS OUT HIS COFFEE.

END.

PSYCHOSICK

TV STUDIO. PRESENTER and HOUSEWIFE.

PRESENTER Good leaving gentlemen and ladies and welcome to this morning's 'Psycho Ticks', the show where we interview freaks, weirdos and other Catholics. And when the psychologist said, 'You're schizophrenic,' I went, 'Who - us?'

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

PRESENTER And what's the best thing about being schizophrenic? You can befriend yourself on Facebook!

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

HOUSEWIFE Awesome!

SILENCE.

PRESENTER Yerse. My sad tosser this afternoon is Tittie Dripping, housewife, daughter of two and useless bitch. Tittie, hi.

HOUSEWIFE It used to be.

PRESENTER So in the words of Jeffrey Dahmer, what's eating you?

HOUSEWIFE My teenage son, Rod: 'There's no point talking to you - you don't know me - I never asked to be born.'

PRESENTER Why do you say that to him?

HOUSEWIFE Bastard won't let me out after midnight: 'Oooh, do your housework instead - there's underage pervs out there, dangerous for a mantsy milf like what you are.'

PRESENTER That's just protection.

HOUSEWIFE (giggles) Protection... I mean, whose side are you on? I hate you. I hate everyone. Except Dick, he understands me and that's why you all hate him.

PRRSENTER Who's Dick?

HOUSEWIFE My husband. And we've got married and no one stopped us so there.

PRESENTER Tittie, the bosses often need to reject their sprogs to find their own identities. 'Rents focus on f**k buddies more than on their own peeps. Whatever you're going through, your ankle biter's been through before: squeezy hugs one sec, 'Go f**k yourself' the next secs...

HOUSEWIFE (giggles) Sex.

PRESENTER Healthy folks feel comfortable wrapped in the net of a rug monkey's protection...

HOUSEWIFE (giggles) Protection.

PRESENTER Hands on head.

HOUSEWIFE Sorry. (puts hands on head)

PRESENTER Ironically, it's the healthiest Mamas and Papas that experience distress when this net lifts. A major often has a minor's abilities, but is still treated like a cock, talked up to, or given responsibility and trust.

HOUSEWIFE Whaddam I supposed to DO?

PRESENTER It's what your moppet can do for you. A sprat can help his mitty by allowing her more responsibility, letting the tart know that he trusts her. Your rug rat should let you know that he loves you whatever, even if he calls you a dill, and set gentle limits.

HOUSEWIFE F**king hell, I get it now. Sometimes a hoyden's so hurt by T-Jones' treatment he returns the rejection, but mamadukes know they still need their spunkers, even if they can't admit it. Yet baby's momma needs to experience things outa the house, like field trips with drug addicts, overnights with clubs or very camp trips to show they're strong.

PRESENTER And spotty, sweaty, pus-ridden adolescents: through these conflicts with your popsicle and mother, you have to keep talking, and remember grown-ups grow up and the struggles will end. It may help to think about parenthood as growth opportunities.

HOUSEWIFE Thanks, presenter.

PRESENTER Shut up.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
It was actually right here, near where we had set up camp, that we first found a trace of the rare Golden Lion Sloth of Bogota! One of my crack team of anonymous Japanese Businessmen found traces of it in this rather fine Miso soup....

A SCOUT LEADER LEADS HIS SCOUTS THROUGH THE WOODS, WHERE THEY COME TO A STOP, READY FOR THEIR NEXT SCOUTING LESSON.

SCOUT LEADER:
OK boys, listen up! Wherever this tennis ball lands, shall be where we lay our camp!

HE THROWS THE BALL, WHICH LANDS AND ROLLS NEXT TO SOME DOG POO. HE LOOKS BACK AT THE NOW WORRIED SCOUTS.

SCOUT LEADER:
Um, well yes, maybe not there then. No problem, we'll try again.

HE THROWS A NEW BALL INTO A DIFFERENT DIRECTION. IT PLUNGES INTO A RIVER.

SCOUT LEADER:
That may be it TOO advanced for you lot. It's a good job I bought along more balls.

HE THROWS A BALL ONCE AGAIN.

RAMBLER:
(Out of shot)
Ow! What the hell?!

SCOUT LEADER:
Probably best not to do it on the footpath.
(shouting)
Sorry!

A SCOUT PUTS HIS HAND UP.

SCOUT LEADER
Yes boy?

SCOUT:
May I throw a ball, Sir?

SCOUT LEADER:
Yes, I don't see why not.

THE SCOUT, WITHOUT HESITATION THROWS THE BALL INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S CAMP, WHICH HITS A TENT. FROM THE TENT EMERGES A FEMALE NUDIST, WHO PICKS THE BALL UP.

NUDIST:
I say, is this your ball?

SCOUT LEADER:
It certainly is not! Come on boys, avert your eyes!

HE HASTES THEM AWAY FROM THE AREA.

FADE OUT.

NEXT MORNING...

THE SCOUT LEADER WAKES, LOOKING CONTENT, REFRESHED AND WELL SLEPT.

CUT TO:

OUTSIDE A HOTEL WINDOW, A COLLECTION OF MISSED TENNIS BALLS FILLS THE GRASS BELOW.

END.

Vote: Tursiops

Tursiops for me too - Lee close second.

Tursiops.

My Vote goes to Steve!

Lee

Lee

Lee