First time poster in CRITQUE...be gentle....

You know how sometimes you can get too close to a script that you can't see it with fresh eyes? Well that's where I am with this one. Any constructive feedback would be very welcome indeed. It's just the first few scenes.

INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM. DAY
A wedding is underway. The entire congregation is dressed as characters from the Star Wars movies. A bug eyed alien plays the theme from Star Wars on a keyboard.

Princess Leia is led down the aisle towards a chubby Han Solo groom. The celebrant, Darth Vadar, wears a priest's collar.

GARETH stands behind a video camera tripod and gapes with undisguised horror at the cartoonish proceedings.

DARTH VADAR
May the force be with you.

CONGREGATION
And also with you.

DARTH VADAR
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in God's presence
(shakes fist menacingly)
and by the power of the Force to join Kevin and Maureen in Holy Matrimony.

GARETH
So rock bottom, we meet at last.
A storm trooper appears and shoves Gareth through a door.

INT. EMPTY BAR - DAY
The stormtrooper, SALLY, pulls off her helmet.

SALLY
I knew you wouldn't come in costume I just knew it! Which is why I brought you a spare.

Sally holds up a suit carrier from "Fancy Pantz Costumes"

GARETH
Uh-uh, no way Sally!

SALLY
No costume no fee Gareth, that's the deal. These people take... what ever this is... very seriously.

GARETH
How can you take this seriously? The best man is a wookie!

Sally helps Gareth put on the costume, large brown dungarees.

GARETH (CONT'D)
What is wrong with people Sal? Just what is it that is wrong with them?

SALLY
It's called "fun" Gareth, you should try it some time.

GARETH
Fun? This isn't "fun". "Fun" is me beavering away in my studio, not hemorrhaging creative juice in a galaxy far, far away.

SALLY
When your little videos start bringing in some money you can-

GARETH
Videos? Videos? How dare you! I make films!

SALLY
Films no one seems to like.

GARETH
Because they're ahead of their time. That's what art is Sally. If people liked my work I'd be doing something wrong.

SALLY
Well here, in our time, we've got bills to pay. So suit up Jar Jar.
Gareth pulls on a tall Jar Jar Binks mask. Sally opens a flap in the long neck to reveal his sulking face.

SALLY (CONT'D)
(off Gareth's reaction)
They only had two costumes left. I literally fought someone to get that for you.

GARETH
(cringing)
I'd hate to see what the other guy ended up with.

EDDIE bursts in wearing a sexy Princess Leia slave girl bikini. He has a black eye.

EDDIE
Is it just me or is it really cold in there?

INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM. DAY
The bug eyed alien plays the Cantina tune from Star Wars.

Sally takes photos as Gareth and Eddie stand behind tripods. Gareth scowls through the open neck flap in his costume.

Eddie belly dances his way over to Gareth.

EDDIE
Gareth. Can I borrow your jack-?

GARETH
No.

EDDIE
Ah come on! I'm freezing my nips off here.

GARETH
No! I don't want your bare arse cheeks rubbing against anything that belongs to me. Go away.

EDDIE
Oh I get it. Don't break character, eh?

He resumes his belly dance. Gareth rolls his eyes.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
Hey look, some guy is staring at you.

GARETH
You're doing that and you think people are staring at ME?

EDDIE
I choose to take that as a compliment. And it's not everybody, just him.
A very tall man dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi stares at Gareth and, with a flash of recognition, grins and waves at him.

GARETH
Oh sshhhhiiiii.....

Gareth leaps behind a pillar. Eddie begins to wave back.

EDDIE
I wonder what he waaaaaa-!

Gareth's hand reaches out and yanks Eddie out of view by his Princess Leia ponytail.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
Ow! That is no way to treat a lady.

GARETH
Do you know who that is?

EDDIE
He looks like Obi Wan Ken-

GARETH
It's not Obi-Wan Kenobi!! That is Douglas King, my old nemesis!

Eddie peaks round with uncertainty.

EDDIE
A nemesis?

GARETH (CONT'D)
Don't let that perma-grin fool you. We were huge rivals in film school, hated each other. It was a classic case of talent versus ego.

EDDIE
Which one were you?

GARETH
What do you mean which one - isn't it obvious? When I stand behind this camera I do so with my dignity...

Gareth steps aside to let two robots pass by.

GARETH (CONT'D)
...with my dignity and my principles intact. Douglas King just pimps his "talents" out to any moron with a few pieces of silver to spare. Nike, Coca Cola, Heroes For Haiti, you name it.

EDDIE
Whoa!

GARETH
I know - he's a complete sell out, soulless. But if he sees me doing this he'll think I'M the failure. Gareth Sunshine, one time visionary filming a special needs wedding? Ugh.

EDDIE
Just tell him the truth. That you only do stuff like this to fund your vide- ...your films.

GARETH
Yes... Or I could just make a run for it. You know, before he realises it's me in this clown suit.
(beat)
Yep, that's the one.

Gareth closes his neck flap and rushes to an open door. His costumed head slams into the low door frame and knocks him clean off his feet. He lands heavily on his back and groans.

The music stops and everyone stares at Gareth. Sally rushes over and helps him up. The Jar Jar mask is facing backwards.

SALLY
What is the matter with you?

Gareth grabs frantically at the mask in front of his face.

GARETH
I'm blind! Sally I'm blind! I'll never work again! I'll never see...

Sally violently twists the mask around so he can see out of the neck flap.
Gareth's momentary relief ends as he spots Douglas King smirking and offering him a sarcastic OK sign.

SALLY
Come on, get up. It's time for the money shot.

GARETH
Money shot? Money! Yes, of course. That's brilliant!

SALLY
What's brilliant? Gareth?

GARETH
Step aside Sally. I'm going to give these nerds something their money can't buy - Gareth Sunshine's heart and my soul!

He marches purposefully towards the altar.

SALLY
Gareth, stop! Nobody wants that!

INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM/ALTAR. DAY

DARTH VADAR
Maureen and Kevin, you have searched your feelings. You know them to be true. Now, fulfil your destiny and take your place at my side - for your wedding vows.

Vadar holds out a hand as the smiling bride and groom approach.

DARTH VADAR (CONT'D)
I Kevin.

THE GROOM
I Kevin.

DARTH VADAR
Take you Maureen.

THE GROOM
Take you Maureen.

GARETH
No, no, no! Show some passion man! You're not marrying your sister!
(to Chewbacca)
He's not marrying his sister is he? You never know with you lot.

Sally rushes up to the altar.

SALLY
Jar Jar! Hah. You're not supposed to be up here. These... aren't the droids you're looking for!

GARETH
Thank you centurion, that'll be all.

He shoves her off the altar and turns to the congregation.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Ladies and gentlemen of the audience. Let me just explain what's happening here today. These two... um... these two; are staging a rather unusual theme for their big day not that you could miss it.

Gareth pulls his rubber costumed head over by the ear. It instantly boings back into place when he lets go.

GARETH (CONT'D)
And naturally they'd like the film of this day to be just as unique. Which is why they came to me.

THE GROOM
Actually you were the cheapest one we went to in the whole...

Gareth clicks his fingers and points at the groom without looking round.

GARETH
Not now! But surely Gareth Sunshine would rather die than film a circus like this? Well yes, he, that is I, have better things to do, much better things. Important things. Things that matter! But I liked their passion, that's a quality I can relate to. So I said what the hell, just this once. But then I also said, if we're gonna do this then we're gonna do it my way. So!

He sweeps around and points at the groom who jumps, startled.

GARETH (CONT'D)
I Kevin. Like that.

THE GROOM
(uncertain)
Uh... I Kevin!

GARETH
More fire!! Come on! I Kevin!

THE GROOM
I Kevin!!

GARETH
Take you Maureen.

THE GROOM
Take you Maureen!!

GARETH
Take you!!

THE GROOM
Take you Maureen!!

GARETH
Etcetera, etcetera, applause, applause. OK let's reset and go for a take. Stand by to roll!

He claps his hands and walks out of shot as the bride and groom look at each other, visibly upset.

GARETH (O.C.) (CONT'D)
And... ACTION!
The bride and groom jump slightly at Gareth's barked command.

It's jolly good! You certainly have talent. Well done.

It's funny but it needs work.

If you're going to have a character speaking well-known official lines such as the opening to a wedding ceremony, you need to get them right. Traditionally, the people are 'in the sight of God' rather than in his presence.

Also, a funny line can be greatly improved by making it shorter and sharper.

Where you have:

GARETH
Videos? Videos? How dare you! I make films!

SALLY
Films no one seems to like.

I'd have:

GARETH
Videos? Videos? How dare you! I make films!

SALLY
Films nobody wants.

Also, a line can be made funnier by making the audience think for a moment about what it means rather than simply handing it to them on a plate.

Where you have:

EDDIE (CONT'D)
Hey look, some guy is staring at you.

GARETH
You're doing that and you think people are staring at ME?

I'd have:

EDDIE (CONT'D)
Hey look, some guy is staring at you.

GARETH
You think he's staring at ME?

Just a few pointers to be going on with. I'm sure other people will soon be along to add their two penn'orth.

I thought it was pretty funny - you could probably cut it a bit if you wanted like Rood said.

This is probably my minutist point I've ever made on this site but I agree with Rood about using the word nobody instead of no one - but I don't think the end of this sentence matters really; either way is fine.

SALLY
Films no one seems to like.

SALLY
Films nobody wants.

Some nice bits in thee - I think the wedding video-maker who believes he's a film-maker has potential.
I would worry if the relationship between him and his nemesis was to become pivotal - I don't think I really believe it - the two worlds are so far apart they wouldn't really collide.
Unless he's an older guy - a has-been on the way down.
But that might end up a bit Alan Partridge if not handled correctly.

The comments about brevity are bang on - don't over explain.
As has been said before, better to confuse your audience for a minute, than bore them for a second.

Thanks for the feedback guys, it's always useful.

The nemesis thing was just a one off episode idea so I'm not overly concerned about building too much into the relationship. I do develop the relationship a bit more in the second half which hopefully makes it seem more plausible though.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 23rd September 2014, 8:19 AM BST

If you're going to have a character speaking well-known official lines such as the opening to a wedding ceremony, you need to get them right. Traditionally, the people are 'in the sight of God' rather than in his presence.

View original

I think 'presence' is a nod to Star Wars.

Quote: don rushmore @ 23rd September 2014, 7:37 PM BST

I think 'presence' is a nod to Star Wars.

View original

I've Googled it and I suspect you're right.

I'll now re-add the mark I deducted for that apparent error.

A good idea and well written. I really enjoyed reading this, some good funny bits in there.
There were a few things I didn't understand though (could just be me)

- I didn't really understand what Sally and Eddie were doing there ? Were they his assistants ? also, why was his rival there ?

- Didn't really understand why he suddenly went beserk... was it because he banged his head or just going over the top to make it a credible project in the presence of his rival ? - Wasn't sure where it was going to go from there.... would be interested to read more to find out though

- You say these are the first scenes ? They feel more like Act 2 to me. Just felt like there should have been a build up to how/why he ended up doing a wedding. Did he resist at first? What was at stake etc ? I realise he is doing it for money, but is it for a specific thing..to buy an expensive prop/location/GGI effects as the crowning moment of glory in his latest cinematic masterpiece ?... Then obviously doesn't get paid from wedding so ends up with a really poor substitute (i.e his mate dressed up as a dinosaur in the park)

Quote: Mattytheswan @ 24th September 2014, 3:53 PM BST

I realise he is doing it for money, but is it for a specific thing..to buy an expensive prop/location/GGI effects as the crowning moment of glory in his latest cinematic masterpiece ?

View original

"Well here, in our time, we've got bills to pay." - Sally

Quote: don rushmore @ 24th September 2014, 6:23 PM BST

"Well here, in our time, we've got bills to pay." - Sally

View original

Yeah, fair enough, and that's fine, but could the stakes be a bit higher than just "paying the bills" ? Maybe a question worth asking, that's all.

Quote: Mattytheswan @ 24th September 2014, 3:53 PM BST

A good idea and well written. I really enjoyed reading this, some good funny bits in there.
There were a few things I didn't understand though (could just be me)

- I didn't really understand what Sally and Eddie were doing there ? Were they his assistants ? also, why was his rival there ?

- Didn't really understand why he suddenly went beserk... was it because he banged his head or just going over the top to make it a credible project in the presence of his rival ? - Wasn't sure where it was going to go from there.... would be interested to read more to find out though

- You say these are the first scenes ? They feel more like Act 2 to me. Just felt like there should have been a build up to how/why he ended up doing a wedding. Did he resist at first? What was at stake etc ? I realise he is doing it for money, but is it for a specific thing..to buy an expensive prop/location/GGI effects as the crowning moment of glory in his latest cinematic masterpiece ?... Then obviously doesn't get paid from wedding so ends up with a really poor substitute (i.e his mate dressed up as a dinosaur in the park)

View original

Thanks for the comments - this is why I thought the critique would be such a useful thing. Something that seems obvious or apparent to the writer might not be so obvious to others. I think I have addressed these issues either in this exceprt and if not then it should become more clear in the rest of the script which I'll post here soon in case anybody wants to see how it all pans out or goes downhill qualitywise.... But I'll try to answer your observations here.

Sally is the photographer for the wedding - there's a line in the set up for scene 2 explaining that Sally is taking photos and Eddie is standing behind a camera tripod, the idea being that it's a two camera shoot which sometimes happens at some weddings these days. The rival is there to attend the wedding and has flown in from Hollywood of London for the occasion.

I didn't mean to create the impression that Gareth went beserk but rather decided, in a moment of desperation, that he would assume control of the wedding and film it as if he was a credible, artistic director rather than just the guy who hits the record button and points the camera in the right direction. I read somewhere once that how someone looks and acts normally is a character. Put them in a difficult situation (even if it's only difficult by their own weird standards) and how they behave then is characterization. So Basil Fawlty* becomes his most monstrous when something goes wrong and he tries to fix it or to save face (Don't mention ze var!) In this case Gareth Sunshine is worried about how he might be perceived as a failure by a highly successful rival who happens to be attending the wedding Gareth is filming. The theory is that Gareth putting his pride and assumed credibility before the needs of the bride and groom tells us a lot about him as a person.

*for the record in noooooooooo way am I comparing anything in my script to even a sylable of Fawlty Towers.

For anyone that's interested here is part two of BRING ME SUNSHINE. It may or may not head in the direction you were expecting but it would be great to hear people's thoughts, especially about the main character Gareth. Is it clear who he is and what drives him? Thanks guys.

EXT. BELFAST CITY CENTRE STREET. NIGHT
Fade up on a black and white film of Gareth shuffling along a busy street. A dreary saxophone plays over traffic sounds.

Gareth is dressed as Adolf Hitler - complete with moustache. He hails a passing taxi with his outstretched right hand. The taxi driver notices that his would-be passenger resembles the one time Fuhrer and appears to be giving him a Nazi salute.

The taxi swerves away suddenly and drives off. Gareth turns and roars angrily into camera. The frame freezes and the title "ICH BIN EIN BELFASTARD" appears on screen in a blood red Nazi style font.

A tuneless voice begins to sing over the frozen frame.

EDDIE (O.S.)
(Sings)
It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well. You could tell that Pierre did truly love the Mademoiselle.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. DAY
Gareth tenses at his dual monitor computer. The screen displays the frozen frame of Gareth as Hitler. He glares at Eddie who continues to sing as he paints on a poster.

EDDIE
(sings)
And now the monsieur and madam have rung the chapel bell.
Eddie also hums the musical fills at the end of each line.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
(sings)
C'est la vie say the old folks it goes to show yyy-
Eddie senses Gareth's displeasure and looks over at him.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
You...
(very slowly)
Ne-verrrr........... Caaaaaaan...

He grimaces. Gareth returns to his computer, peace at last.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
(very quickly)
Tell!

GARETH
Alright! OK! I'm obviously not gonna get any work done till I look at whatever nonsense that is you've been messing with all morning.

EDDIE
It's not finished yet. I've got a whole presentation planned and...

GARETH
Don't care! Just show me, let's get it over with so I can move on with my life.

EDDIE
OK cool! Check it out.

Eddie sets a red paint pot to one side. He holds up a large poster showing the headline "Sunshine Video - we'd happily shoot you". It features bland wedding images with gold, silver and bronze price options.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
Our rate card. Bog standard gold, silver and bronze wedding packages here, blushing bride-to-be there.

Eddie throws the poster across the room.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
SHITE! I say let's sex this mother up. I give you...

He picks up a second, gory looking poster which features guns, knives and lots of blood splatter.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
The Kubrick, the Scorssese and the Tarantino wedding packages!

GARETH
Glad to see that marketing degree isn't being wasted then.

EDDIE
It's a gimmick, to help us stand out in the crowded video market.
Gareth holds up a hand as if asking a question.

GARETH
Does the Tarantino package involve us mowing down a wedding party in a torrent of automatic gunfire?

EDDIE
(thinks)
Um... no.

GARETH
Then I'm out.

EDDIE
But this could...

GARETH
No.

EDDIE
I really think you should...

GARETH
(in an automated voice)
I'm sorry, the person you are trying to reach - is ignoring you. Please give up. Please give up.

Eddie gathers up his posters and leaves. Sally enters the room carrying some shopping bags. She is on her mobile.

SALLY
(on the phone)
Not at all, we have the utmost respect for Star Wars Mr. Duffy... Sorry, Captain Solo. #
Sally rolls her eyes and shares a look with Gareth.

SALLY (CONT'D)
(on the phone)
Well if it's any consolation we didn't enjoy your wedding either. Hello? Hello? He hung up.

GARETH
Or was cut off in the jump to hyperspace.

Gareth examines Sally's shopping bags.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Oh. You're going ahead with this date then?

SALLY
Yes, but it's not a date.

GARETH
Well no, not a normal one where emotions are expressed and feelings are shared. Still, hooking up with an old boyfriend. Bit desperate isn't it?

Sally stomps towards Gareth aggressively and points at him.

SALLY
Don't talk to me about desperation!

Gareth rips a cardboard gun off Eddie's poster.

GARETH
Back! Get back!

SALLY
You hijacked a wedding just to impress some knob from college.

GARETH
He wasn't just any knob. It was Douglas King, one of the top film directors in the world today. Er... that's if you measure success purely in commercial, financial and award based terms. Which I don't.

SALLY
So why didn't you talk to him? He might be able to help get your films out to a wider audience or introduce you to some people.

GARETH
I don't know, humility, pride? Or maybe cos at the time I was dressed up like a gigantic novelty condom!

The doorbell rings and Gareth goes over to answer it.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Besides, we have a history he and I. Douglas King would never do anything to help me. And if he ever finds out how I made a living, God! He'd laugh right in my face the...

Gareth opens the door to see Douglas King who points at Gareth and laughs right in his face.

GARETH (CONT'D)
...bastard.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. DAY
Gareth and King drink wine together. Douglas King is a sneering Terry Thomas upper class toff, complete with cravat.

DOUGLAS KING
You bolted from that splicing a bit sharpish the other day old boy. Poor show. Here I am, back in the shire, first time in years and old Sunshine gives me the brushoff!

Gareth stares at King in a bit of a daze while he speaks.

GARETH
I see you've lost the Irish accent.

DOUGLAS KING
Well, years of mixing in champagne society does that to a chap. But what about you old chum, weddings your main bag now, eh?

GARETH
Weddings? God no! Ha! I thought ha-ha... I thought I made that, ha-ha... perfectly clear on the day.

DOUGLAS KING
Still, Gareth Sunshine filming a hitching? How has it come to this?

GARETH
It hasn't! Funny story actually.

DOUGLAS KING
I'm all ears old boy.

GARETH
Er, yes well, there I was, editing my latest piece. Locking down the final cut before Edinburgh.

DOUGLAS KING
Ah! The pre-festival panic.

GARETH
Exactly. When totally out of the blue I get a call from uh... from uh... the father of the bride, yes.

DOUGLAS KING
You know Dickie!?

Gareth's face falls but he quickly regroups.

GARETH
Dickie? Yes! Absolutely! Old chums as a matter of fact. Dickie and I? Ha! We go way back to uh... back to uh... So anyway Dickie calls up and literally begs me to film... um...

DOUGLAS KING
Maureen?

GARETH
Maureen's wedding to... um... to... to make sure it was done properly.

DOUGLAS KING
And you agreed? Just like that?

GARETH
I wanted to say no.

DOUGLAS KING
Naturally. Someone in our line? It could ruin a chap's reputation to be caught manning a do of that ilk.

GARETH
But this is Dickie we're talking about!

DOUGLAS KING
Good old Dickie.

GARETH
Call me a sentimental old fool. But there's nothing Gareth Sunshine won't do to help out an old chum.

DOUGLAS KING
To Gareth Sunshine, a sentimental old fool!

King raises his glass and both he and Gareth drink a toast.

GARETH
To Dickie! A dear old chum.

They raise glasses a second time. Sally enters with a note.

SALLY
Who's Dickie?

GARETH
You remember Dickie Sally! You know, Dickie? The dear old chum I'd do anything for?

Gareth winks at Sally frantically. She recoils and hands him the note.

SALLY
Ugh, stop that! Here, next Friday night; you're filming Sean Jovi, it's a shite tribute band. I say band, it's just a guy called Sean.

Sally leaves the room. King stares open mouthed at Gareth who is monetarily flustered. He quickly raises his glass.

GARETH
To Sean! Another dear old chum.

Douglas raises his glass hesitantly.

DOUGLAS KING
Actually, as long as you're spooning out the noblesse oblige I was rather hoping you might help this old chum out of a little bind.

GARETH
And now in English?

DOUGLAS KING
I need someone to take the wheel on a big VIP job I've got coming up. Can't do it myself, double booked.

GARETH
Wait a minute. Are you asking me to direct one of your projects?

DOUGLAS KING
Bingo! Look I know you're all about the craft and you don't hold for movie stars or whacking great fees.

GARETH
(feigning disgust)
Oh! No! Out of interest though which stars are we talking about?

DOUGLAS KING
Well Clooney's on board of course, so is Tom Cruise, Brad and Angelina - quite the all star cast actually! You'll have endure the usual industry bods too of course; ghastly folk but...

King's words are drowned out by a fanfare and a drum roll as Gareth's thoughts drift off.

VOICE OVER:
And the Academy award for Best Director goes to Gareth Sunshine!

DOUGLAS KING
...Sunshine? I say are you alright?

GARETH
Hmmn? What? Oh yes, never better.

DOUGLAS KING
Good show. I hate to spring this on you out of the blue old chum but quite frankly the whole situation took me by surprise and I don't know who else to turn to. What do you say? Will you step up to the crease and bash out a sixer for old Dougie? For old time's sake, what?

Gareth stifles a grin and attempts a serious demeanour.

GARETH
Well I don't usually take on freelance work Douglas. An occasional charity request maybe - if it's something I believe in like Greenpeace or Save The Waves.

DOUGLAS KING
Of course.

GARETH
But if Douglas King comes begging at my door who am I to say no?
King's smile turns into a disgusted sneer. They shake hands.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Sorry, how much did you say the fee was again exactly?

King checks his watch and moves to the door.

DOUGLAS KING
Oh bugger I'm late. I'm meant to be doing lunch with Bono.
GARETH
(rolls eyes knowingly)
Oh!!

DOUGLAS KING
I know. Look why don't we reconvene for a few snifters and go over the fine print later? Say, 8 o'clock?

GARETH
Perfect!

DOUGLAS KING
Capital! You sure you're up for this old boy? Only I'd heard a rumour you'd come unglued since the old alma mater days - pressure or some such; they said you'd run off and joined the ruddy Foreign Legion of all things! Ha ha, what!

GARETH
(laughing too hard)
The Foreign Legion! Really? Wow! Where do people get their mad ideas from? Ha ha!

Gareth quickly flips over a photograph of himself dressed in full Foreign Legion uniform and looking miserable.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
The room is dimly lit. Several incense sticks are burning.

A woman in a wedding dress poses on top of a coffee table with her back to the camera.

Sally is dressed up as if ready for a night out.

SALLY
Try putting one hand on your hip. Lovely. Now push your bum out.

The woman turns around sharply to reveal that she is in fact a very unhappy Eddie in a blonde wig.

EDDIE
I've changed my mind Sally. You can keep your fiver.

SALLY
Just need a few more shots.

EDDIE
This is the second dress I've had on this week. What'll people think?

SALLY
They'll be looking the dress, they won't even notice you.

EDDIE
(suddenly crying)
But I've never looked so beautiful!

SALLY
Stand still!

Sally thrusts a hand down Eddie's top and pulls out two small onions. She puts too large onions in his hands.

SALLY (CONT'D)
Let's take you up a cup size.

Eddie shoves the big onions down the front of his dress just as Gareth enters humming a tune and holding some incense sticks. His T-shirt says "I'm creative, what's your excuse?"

GARETH
Shouldn't you be getting ready for your big date.

Gareth lights another incense stick and wafts it around.

SALLY
It's not a date. And I am ready.

Gareth pours himself out a large glass of wine.

GARETH
Really? You're wearing that top?

SALLY
What's wrong with my top? I like this top! This is a nice top!

GARETH
Alright, it's not a date remember?

SALLY
Not now it isn't not with this top!

Sally runs to the stairs but suddenly stops and turns around. She grabs Gareth's wine and drinks it down in a single gulp. Then she run up the stairs.

EDDIE
She seems a bit weird tonight.

Gareth regards Eddie as he sacks up his onions. The doorbell rings and Gareth goes to open the front door.

GARETH
(to Eddie)
Will you please go and put something on that isn't that!

Eddie wobbles unsteadily as he tries to dismount the tables.

EDDIE
I can't get down in these heels.

Gareth rolls his eyes and opens the door to SIMON.

Simon's head and face are painted in the red and black style of Darth Maul from Star Wars. He even has yellow contacts in his eyes and little yellow horns on his head.

SIMON
Hi, I'm Simon.

Gareth takes in the sight and chuckles.

GARETH
Are you indeed? Come in, Sally will be right down.

Simon observes Eddie on the coffee table.

GARETH (CONT'D)
This year's entry for Eurovison.

EDDIE
Hi, how are you - ooooooooh dear.

Gareth folds his arms happily and leans against the door.

GARETH
So! Simon? Still in costume from the STar Wars wedding I see.

SIMON
Hardly, I had this done years ago.

GARETH
Done? By which you mean...?

SIMON
It's a tattoo.

Eddie tumbles off the table with a crash. Gareth ignores him.

GARETH
A tattoo, right. Those are fairly permanent things aren't they?

SIMON
Yes. It's a bit wacky but that's how you get to be President of the Star Wars Fan Club. They don't give that honour out to just any idiot.

GARETH
Then along you came.

Sally reappears wearing the same top she had on.

SALLY
What was I thinking taking fashion advice from you of all people - I think this looks hot.

GARETH
So does your date.

SALLY
What?

Sally looks up as she reaches the door and sees Simon.

SALLY (CONT'D)
Oh Jesus Chri-!

Gareth shoves Sally out the door. Simon follows.

GARETH
(making speech marks)
Don't forget to have "fun"!

He shuts the door and chuckles as he pours another glass of wine.
Eddie rises unsteadily to his feet, rubbing his head.

EDDIE
What happened?

GARETH
Nothing. Nor is it likely to judging by the state of that hideous vision.

EDDIE
Sally's top? I know - eek! HAH! Oh no. HAH! Ugh. HAH! HAH!

GARETH
What are you doing?

EDDIE
I'm allergic to incense. It burns my throat. I have to HAH! Have to keep HAH! Clearing HAH! Clearing my-

GARETH
Yes I get it!! Why didn't you mention that before I filled the whole house with the stuff?

EDDIE
I'm fine. It won't affect my presentation. HAH! HAH!

GARETH
Good because - what presentation?

Eddie picks up some gory posters and puts them on the fireplace. The front poster features blood, knives and guns and says "THE SCORSESE PACKAGE - BLOODY GOOD VALUE!"

EDDIE
This one! I'm gonna show these to Douglas King to see what he thinks.

Gareth leaps angrily off the sofa and grabs the poster.

GARETH
Get that thing out of here! I don't want any of your bloodbath imagery anywhere near Douglas King! I'm trying to create a good impression not scar him for life.

EDDIE
But...

GARETH
No buts! I'll get rid of this, you go and change into something a bit more... trousery. Jeez!

Eddie sulks as Gareth removes the posters and carries them into the kitchen. The doorbell rings.

EDDIE
I'll get it.

A loud crash of metallic pans comes from the kitchen.

GARETH (O.S)
No!!!

Eddie opens the door to find Douglas King standing there beaming with a bottle of champagne.

DOUGLAS KING
Bonsoir old.....
(confused)
...fellow?

EDDIE
Ssshh!

Eddie leans in to King's ear and whispers.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
Don't tell Gareth but I've got something to show you later.

Eddie winks at King secretively. An onion drops out from under his dress. It rolls up to King's foot.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
HAH!
Gareth rushes out of the kitchen just in time to see a startled King drop his bottle. It smashes on the ground.

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
Sally and Simon sit at a window table in a posh restaurant. Sally fumes with her arms folded as Simon examines the menu.

SIMON
Wow. Everything here looks great.

He takes Sally by the hand and smiles.

SIMON (CONT'D)
And I do mean everything Sally.

Sally smiles weakly. Unnoticed by Simon she mimes making herself sick.

SIMON (CONT'D)
I couldn't believe it when I saw you there at Maureen's wedding. Sally Brown after all these years!

SALLY
You should've come and said hello.
(disgusted)
Instead of just phoning to ask me for a date.

SIMON
I was afraid you'd say no, ha ha.

SALLY
I would have, ha ha.

SIMON
I think I'll go for the steak. What are you having?

SALLY
Kittens.

SIMON
What?

SALLY
Steak, fine, whatever. I'll have the bloody steak!

SIMON
Ten years, gosh. You haven't changed a bit.

SALLY
You have.

Two teenagers appear at the window and point at Simon who doesn't notice. They laugh and give Sally the fingers.

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
Gareth and King watch TV with a glass of wine. Creepy music suggests the unseen film is a horror. King seems ill at ease.

Eddie sneaks down the stairs slowly unnoticed by either of them. Gareth mouths along to everything said on the TV.

GARETH
It is only then 'neath the pale, searching light of the full moon that a change becomes him and his darkest secret is revealed! For Willie... is a were-woof.

The sound of a man howling like a wolf on the TV morphs into a Kenneth Williams-esque exclamation.

TV ACTOR (O.S.)
Owwwwwwooooh matron!

A woman screams with terror on the TV. King seems offended.

GARETH
That's me in the cloak. Good, eh?

DOUGLAS KING
Well it's... very... it's quite...
I didn't know you tread the boards!

GARETH
Oh yes I studied at LADA for a bit.

DOUGLAS KING
You went to RADA?

GARETH
No, LADA. The Larne Academy of Dramatic Arts - not as glamorous as it sounds. But I only act in my own films to keep the costs down so...

King is startled to see Eddie standing next to him, grinning.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Eddie! I thought I told you to stay away from us. Especially...
Gareth nods furiously at King. King seems unnerved.

EDDIE
I'm just going to the kitchen.

GARETH
Well hurry you're killing the mood.

Eddie winks to a nervous King then goes into the kitchen.

DOUGLAS KING
I say, does his flag run to the top of its pole?

GARETH
I doubt it. You should see what I confiscated from him earlier. Guns and knives - it's ridiculous!

King regards the kitchen door with horror.

INT. GARETH'S KITCHEN. NIGHT
Eddie searches and finds the gory posters hidden by Gareth.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

DOUGLAS KING
Is that the time? I say we'd better bang heads about this job old boy.

GARETH
Absolutely. Once we've watched a few more of my short films we can get right down to business.

Gareth holds up a thick pile of DVDs. King's face falls.

GARETH (CONT'D)
It's great having my work viewed by a fellow peer. To get an informed intelligent critique for once.
(his expression hardens)
Instead of the usual thumbs down on You Tube.

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
Simon chats away happily but Sally seems preoccupied. She opens her mouth to say something but stops herself twice.

SIMON
I'm so glad we're doing this Sally. I always felt we belonged together you and I. To be honest I can't even remember why we ever broke up.

SALLY
Communication issues probably.

SIMON
What?

SALLY
Alright look I'm just going to come out and say this. I don't want to be insensitive Simon.

SIMON
Really? You have changed! Ha ha!

SALLY
The things is Simon, your uh...
(points at his head )
and eh... them there... uh...
(points at his horns)
what I'm trying to say to you here is...um... Did you never get married?

Simon suddenly bursts into tears.

SALLY (CONT'D)
Ah for fu...

Simon is screeching hysterically.

SALLY (CONT'D)
(mortified)
Stop that! Stop it! Simon!

She pats his head awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable with this much emotion on display. A horn comes off in her hand.

SALLY (CONT'D)
Eugh!

SIMON
I'm sorry Sally. It's just, I've been so lonely! My wife left me at Christmas! She said I was obsessed with Star Wars.

SALLY
Aw... no, you're... She said that?

Sally signals desperately for the bill.

SIMON
Then she left me for a Trekkie!! Yes, I've had some trust issues since then. And anger problems.
(his face twitches)
But you were always good to me Sally. You'd never hurt me, would you? At least, not like Suuuusaaaaan!

Simon's screeching goes back up to eleven.

SALLY
Right you can stop that. Pack it in Simon, people are staring at us.

SIMON
I know. I didn't want to mention it but I think it's that top you've got on.

SALLY
Right they're not staring at my top, they're staring at yours! They're staring at that! At least they were until I began shouting!

The other diners stare at Sally.

SALLY:
(to the diners)
Feck off!
The diners look away quickly. Simon's twitching escalates.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
King is asleep in front of the TV which plays sad music.

TV ACTOR (O.S.)
I can't afford designer trainers and your veterinary bills Rex. You understand boy don't you?

A dog whimpers on TV followed by a loud gunshot which wakens King with a yelp. Gareth wipes a tear away.

GARETH
Oh, that's too good, it really is. But what did you think of it "Dougie"?

DOUGLAS KING
Well it's true what they said about you back in film school isn't it?

GARETH
(pleased)
Oh?

DOUGLAS KING
You really put the art in fart.

GARETH
(furious)
They also said you put the height in shite, did you know that? Did you?
(suddenly calm)
I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from.

The phone rings. Gareth answers, slightly irritated.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Sunshine.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM/RESTAURANT. NIGHT
Sally is on her phone and sounds anxious. The scene switches back and forth to each location depending on who's speaking.

SALLY
Gareth, thank God! You have to get out of the house. Right now!

GARETH
I've got head phones Sally. If you wanna bring Mr Potato Head back don't worry, I won't hear a thing.

SALLY
It's not that. Things didn't work out with Simon. He has a dark side.

Gareth grins and opens his mouth to speak.

SALLY (CONT'D)
Don't even think about it! He's not well Gareth. I think he might be dangerous. Where's Eddie?

GARETH
Eddie? He's in the kitchen - what do you mean he's dangerous?

King looks at Gareth with alarm then checks the kitchen door.

SALLY
He thinks you and I are...well, a couple - like I said, he's not well. He's on his way over there now and last I saw him he looked a wee bit angryish.

EXT. CITY CENTRE. NIGHT
Simon runs furiously through the street snarling and hissing like a crazed wild animal.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM/RESTAURANT. NIGHT

SALLY
You better get out of there. Who knows what he might do to.
King goes to the kitchen door. He opens it and peeps inside.

INT. THE KITCHEN. NIGHT
King sees Eddie looking into a mirror as he mimics the infamous scene from Taxi Driver.

EDDIE
Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? I don't see anybody else here so you must be talking to me.

Eddie points his finger like a gun and "shoots" the mirror. King gasps and retreats quickly back into the living room.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
Well as long as we're talking
(in normal voice)
let me tell you about the excellent value in our new Scorsese package.

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
King looks terrified. Gareth is still on the phone.

GARETH
I don't want him in my house, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see his ridiculous face for one more second.
(listens)
I'm not getting involved. I'll tell Eddie to get rid of him.

King mouths the words "get rid of" and looks terrified. A hand taps him on the shoulder and beckons him to come. King gasps.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Call the cops? No way I'm trying to have a cultured evening here with...

Gareth turns and sees that King has disappeared.

GARETH (CONT'D)
Dougie? Now where's he gone to?

INT. THE KITCHEN. NIGHT
The room is in darkness. When King talks he sounds terrified.

DOUGLAS KING
Hello? I say, what's this all about, what do you want with me?

The light comes on. King sits on a kitchen chair momentarily blinded. Eddie stands behind him by the light switch.

EDDIE
Sshh. We don't want Gareth to hear.

DOUGLAS KING
What are you going to do?

EDDIE
Don't turn around, you'll spoil the surprise.

Unseen by King Eddie holds up a poster with the title "KILLER VALUE WITH THE TARANTINO PACKAGE!"

DOUGLAS KING
What surprise? Look if ruddy Bono has put you up to this...

EDDIE
Ssshhh! You need to listen. You could say I need you to "lend me your ears".

Eddie hits an IPAD and "Stuck In The Middle With You" starts. He pulls a cardboard knife off his poster and starts to dance as in the infamous ear cutting scene from Reservoir dogs.

King turns around to see Eddie advancing towards him with the knife. He covers his ears and jumps from the chair.

DOUGLAS KING
(terrified)
Aaaaaagh!!!

King grabs the wooden chair he was seated on and breaks it over Eddie. Eddie collapses to the ground knocking the pot of red paint over himself.

EDDIE
(in pain)
Aaaaaagh!!!

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
King bursts in from the kitchen in a terrified state.

GARETH
Oh, still with us I see.

DOUGLAS KING
(terrified)
Aaaaaagh!!!

GARETH
Ready for the next film?

DOUGLAS KING
(even more terrified)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

The front door bursts open and Simon stands there in a rage.

SIMON
(angry)
Aaaaaagh!!!

DOUGLAS KING
(terrified)
Aaaaaagh!!!

Eddie staggers into the room covered in red paint. He holds a cardboard knife and gun in each hand and has bits of chair hanging around his neck. He clutches his wounded head.

EDDIE
(in pain)
Aaaaaagh!!!

Simon and King look terrified at the sight of Eddie covered in "blood" and holding the cardboard knife and gun.

DOUGLAS KING & SIMON
(terrified)
Aaaaaagh!!!

King instinctively punches Eddie who collapses to the floor.

DOUGLAS KING
(in strong Irish accent)
Scarper! He's a buckin' psycho!

He rushes out the door screaming followed by Simon.

Gareth has remained completely passive throughout the scene. He looks around the empty room and holds up his DVD.

GARETH
(annoyed)
Right. So I'm just watching this by myself then?

INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM. DAY
Sally bandages Eddie as Gareth grovels on the phone.

GARETH (on phone)
So it was all just one big stupid misunderstanding, "Dougie". No I'm not saying you're stupid. If anything I'm stupid for letting these two eejits live in the same house with me. Because if you think about it - which I have, this was completely all their fault.

Sally seems angry. She visibly tenses as she wraps a bandage around Eddie who yelps with pain.

GARETH (CONT'D)
No, no. They won't be anywhere near the set, I guarantee it. It'll be just yours truly, quality control right down the line. So, we're still good to go then? Brilliant. Looking forward to it. Ta-ta old chu- Oh, he was cut off there.

SALLY
So. You've tongued your way back into "Dougie's" good books have you?

GARETH
Cleaned up your two messes you mean.

EDDIE
So, what's this big mystery job of his? I hope it's worth all this.

He holds up a bandaged arm and immediately yells with pain.

GARETH
It doesn't matter what the job is. All that matters is that Dougie wants me to direct- and I quote - "the single most important thing he's ever been asked to do". It could be a movie, it could be a pop video or maybe just a multi million dollar ad campaign. I honestly don't care which. It's a glorious opportunity to show an audience of people that actually matter exactly what Gareth Sunshine can do when he gets behind a camera.

INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM. DAY
A wedding is underway. The congregation is dressed up as characters from Lord of the Rings; hobbits, orcs and goblins etc.

The groom is Douglas King. He and his bride are dressed as elves. They hold hands at the altar.

The celebrant is dressed as Gandalf the Wizard. Gandalf holds a wedding ring high above his head and lowers it dramatically as he speaks.

GANDALF
One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Gareth glares at Douglas King from behind his camera where he stands, dressed as Gollum.

GARETH
We hates it, we hates it...

He presses a button on the camera and the shot cuts to black with a beep.

The words "Recording Stopped" blink on and off in the style of a camcorder display.

THE END

As I feared, the King/nemesis character is what knackers it for me.
He doesn't appear to be from the real world.
Is he meant to be a real director, or just delusional?
At no point do I ever feel I'm watching something that might ever happen.

Within it theres' some nice stuff - but it gets a bit lost.

And is Gareth meant to be a prat?
It's quite hard to have sympathy for him when his 'real work' ie the film he's putting together, is so daft.
Wouldn't it be better if he had talent, but that was constantly thwarted by 'life'.
And I would believe King if he was the head honcho at some super-duper wedding video company - Gareth's true rival.
Then all that poncey director talk would be funny - because he would be having ideas above his station.

Overall, I'm left confused by the tone, I'm afraid,

Quote: Lazzard @ 25th September 2014, 10:58 AM BST

As I feared, the King/nemesis character is what knackers it for me.
He doesn't appear to be from the real world.
Is he meant to be a real director, or just delusional?
At no point do I ever feel I'm watching something that might ever happen.

Within it theres' some nice stuff - but it gets a bit lost.

And is Gareth meant to be a prat?
It's quite hard to have sympathy for him when his 'real work' ie the film he's putting together, is so daft.
Wouldn't it be better if he had talent, but that was constantly thwarted by 'life'.
And I would believe King if he was the head honcho at some super-duper wedding video company - Gareth's true rival.
Then all that poncey director talk would be funny - because he would be having ideas above his station.

Overall, I'm left confused by the tone, I'm afraid,

View original

Thanks for the thoughts, something for me to think about there. Obviously if it's confusing then something's not working. The idea was that King is a highly successful in demand director (does work for Coca Cola, Nike, pop videos etc). He went to college with Sunshine and they hated each other because Sunshine was so up his own arse and pretentious about what he considered to be artistic film making. King was much more about the money and unlike Sunshine, people appreciate his work. King has lived the high life of someone who mingles with the stars and lives the champagne lifestyle as he calls it. His success has affected him and he has changed his image and accent radically to be more in keeping with what he considers a top director to be like. At least that was what I was trying to imply rather than state overtly.

I'd say Sunshine DOES have talent as well but his pretentiousness affect his creative output, ultimately resulting in crappy films/videos. He's meant to be more pathetic than out and out daft because if he could only stop being so pretentious he might achieve more success and ultimately be happier. I DO think I should make him a bit more sympathetic though.