British Comedy Guide

Sketch Sample 1

Avatar

steve by any other name

  • Monday 13th November 2006, 3:16pm [Edited]
  • Northampton, England
  • 832 posts

Here's a sketch I wrote for Sketch Factor but didn't submit as I wasn't as happy with it as I was with the ones I did. Any comments would be appreciated.

JOHN
Morning Dave... Michelle... Coffee on?
DAVE
Bad night?
JOHN
O yes. Courtesy of the Devil with the big blue eyes.... He looks like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.... And then you notice he's got melted butter all over his tiny little face.
DAVE
What?
JOHN
Sorry. I'm rambling like an idiot.... Haven't had a good nights sleep in months. I just wish I knew when it would stop.
MICHELLE
You could ask a Psychic.
JOHN
Good idea. Do you know any?
DAVE
Don't get her started.
MICHELLE
As a matter of fact, I do.
DAVE
Here we go.
MICHELLE
There are plenty in the back of my magazine. Want to look?

FX: SOUND OF MAGAZINE PAGES TURNING.
MICHELLE
That's mine there. Clare V'Oyant. She's a French Medium.
JOHN
She looks more like a large.
MICHELLE
She's very good actually. Told me that my boyfriend....
DAVE
Ex boyfriend....
MICHELLE
... Really loved someone else.... But I will find a new and lasting love before I'm thirty.
JOHN
How old are you now. Eighteen?
MICHELLE
Next month.
JOHN
You're technically a child.
DAVE
Don't look at it like that.
JOHN
Did she tell you anything else?
MICHELLE
Travel and money and where I'll be in ten years time.... You can give her your credit card number over the phone, and she'll do your reading right there and then. It's amazing.
JOHN
So she told you that your boyfriend was in love with someone else?
MICHELLE
Yes.
JOHN
So you dumped him?
MICHELLE
Uh hu.
JOHN
And that you'd travel.....
MICHELLE
Not just travel.... She told me countries and cities.
JOHN
And that you'd come into money?
MICHELLE
Loads of stuff..... Some of which has already started to come true. Like I said. She's very good.
JOHN
She knew all that about you..... But you had to tell her your credit card number?
MICHELLE
Doh.... She's not going to do it for nothing.
JOHN
Not really my point....
MICHELLE
You could text her.
JOHN
Ahhh. Left my mobile on the desk.
DAVE
You can borrow mine.
JOHN
I can't believe you're encouraging her.
DAVE
Look. Here we go...... 'I have a question regarding a child..... Are you able to help me?'..... Send.

FX: TEXT BEING SENT.

MICHELLE
This is exciting.
JOHN
No. This is ridiculous.

FX: TEXT BEING RECEIVED.
MICHELLE
What does it say?
DAVE
'Is this child someone you love?'.... Yes.... Send.

FX: TEXT BEING SENT.

MICHELLE
Hurry up. I've got to go.

FX: TEXT BEING RECEIVED.

MICHELLE
Well?
DAVE
'I believe that I can sense your anxiety. You wish to know when the child will allow you to sleep wither.'
JOHN
Wither? What's that? Romany speak?
MICHELLE
Predictive text. Sometimes gets the wrong word. You can't tell me you're not impressed though?
JOHN
It's not very specific is it?

FX: TEXT BEING RECEIVED.
DAVE
'Saturday night'.... There you are. Doesn't get more accurate than that.

FX: TEXT BEING RECEIVED.
DAVE
'But you must treat her kindly.'
JOHN
See. Utter rubbish.

FX: TEXT BEING RECEIVED.

DAVE
'A pink lacy thong and matching bra.'
JOHN
See.... Complete gibberish.

MICHELLE LETS OUT A LITTLE GIGGLE.

MICHELLE
That's funny. I'm wearing a pink lacy thong and matching bra.... See you later.

FX: SOUND OF MICHELLE LEAVING.
JOHN
What a load of old tosh. Still... least you know what underwear Michelle's wearing today.

FX: TEXT BEING RECEIVED.

JOHN
You alright?
DAVE
'And tell your friend that his little boy won't sleep through until he's eighteen months old.'

JOHN
So she got there in the end.

THE PENNY DROPS FOR DAVE.

DAVE
This is fantastic.
JOHN
Wouldn't go that far. The rest was gibberish. Unless you think I was standing here wondering what colour underwear Michelle was wearing.....

AN EMBARASSING SILENCE.

JOHN
You weren't?
DAVE
I think I may have been.
JOHN
Tell me you weren't wondering if you'd ever get her into bed?
DAVE
It was my phone. And my text.
JOHN
And your answers.
DAVE
This is the best day of my life.
JOHN
I'm no psychic. But I predict Saturday may well be the best day of your life.

Avatar

jobfromthebible

  • Monday 13th November 2006, 4:21pm
  • Israel
  • 27 posts

It was amusing but felt more like an excerpt from a sitcom than a sketch, which is no bad thing.

Avatar

Aaron

  • Monday 13th November 2006, 10:44pm
  • Royal Berkshire, England
  • 68,519 posts

Yeah, pretty good. Bloody confusing though. Can you quote ( "..." ) the bits they're reading out from the phone? And I assume that erroneous "DAN" was a typo of "DAVE"?

Avatar

steve by any other name

  • Tuesday 14th November 2006, 12:03pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 832 posts
Quote: Aaron @ November 13, 2006, 5:44 PM

Yeah, pretty good. Bloody confusing though. Can you quote ( "..." ) the bits they're reading out from the phone? And I assume that erroneous "DAN" was a typo of "DAVE"?

Hmm. The DAN must have crept in from Final Draft, one day I'll learn how to use it properly. Just shows how blind you can become to stuff. I must have read it through easily 50 times over a couple of week period and not noticed. Originally, the phone bits were in italics, which went when I pasted it in. I've added some quotes that hopefully make it easier.