GRAMS: INDIAN RESTAURANT MUSIC

JANE:
Are you Neville?

NEVILLE:
Yes. Are you Jane?

JANE:
Yes. Lovely to meet you.

F/X: CHAIR BEING PULLED OUT

NEVILLE:
Please have a seat.

JANE:
Thanks. I was so nervous before I came out tonight. I’ve never met anybody from a chat room before and you hear all sorts of horror stories about weirdos, but I can see now I shouldn’t have worried.

NEVILLE:
[SLIGHTLY AWKWARDLY] Can I get you a drink?

JANE:
Oh yes please.

NEVILLE:
For white wine say one, for red wine say two, for a glass of lager say three.

JANE:
A glass of white wine please.

NEVILLE:
I’m sorry but I did not understand that response. For white wine say one, for red wine say two, for a glass of lager say three.

JANE:
Err... One.

GRAMS: INDIAN RESTAURANT MUSIC

NEVILLE:
Shall we order?

JANE:
Yes please.

NEVILLE:
If you’d like poppadums please tap your wine glass with your fork.

JANE:
Oh yes I love poppadums. I think that popp...

NEVILLE:
Ah! Ah! Ah!

F/X: WINE GLASS RINGING

NEVILLE:
That’s better.

GRAMS: INDIAN RESTAURANT MUSIC

NEVILLE:
Now if you’d like a curry say one, for chicken tikka masala say two, for prawn bhoona say three, for none of these and to speak to the waiter say four.

JANE:
[SLIGHTLY ALARMED] Three.

GRAMS: INDIAN RESTAURANT MUSIC

JANE:
Well thank you for a very different night. It’s been…well…interesting. Do you get out very much Neville?

NEVILLE:
No not very much. My work keeps me rather busy.

JANE:
You haven’t told me what it is that you do exactly.

NEVILLE:
I design automated telephone answering systems.

SOUND OF DEAD TELEPHONE LINE

END:

It's a very good premise but we guess that that's his job from the start, really. You could cut a lot from the restaurant scene, have her go home with him, still with him giving the automated options in the bedroom, she changes her mind at the last minute or gets the response mixed up, either way he gets done for date rape, and the close is him in the dock with the lawyer saying to him 'do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, etc.., then say one... If you don't copyright it, i'm gonna board your vessel!

I laughed out loud at this - great idea. But I agree that the ending is redundant; we've all got the joke by then. It would work better with an alternative twist, as suggested.

Thanks for the comments folks.

I knew that perhaps the ending was a bit telegraphed but decided to keep it in and try to make it slightly different with the dead phone noise as the absolute finish, as more often than not that's what happens on ****ing automated phone systems.

********************

On a different note why's this post gone all squashed to one side?

because somebodies name is massive

is that the sketch you sent in for the first round?

Quote: dyingtolive @ November 12, 2006, 9:53 PM

because somebodies name is massive

is that the sketch you sent in for the first round?

View original

Ah!Thought that the squashy post might be because of the long name.

Congrats on getting through to round two DTL.

To answer your question. Yes the sketch was one of the two that I sent for the first round. Didn't hear anything back and I see from another site that if you've heard nowt by now then you're not in. I agree that it was a good opportunity and I'm only sorry I didn't give it more time and thought. I was working on something else and had a mad scramble with two days to go.

For anybody interested it appears the following message was posted on Chortle 02/11 on the Writing and performing Comedy Board

***************************************

Hi

I'm the producer of Sketch Factor and the linked radio series Recorded for Training Purposes.

Just confirming what Victoria said, if you haven't been contacted by now for Sketch Factor it means you didn't make the break to the second round. We are sending emails to everyone who entered the competition, but the priority was to contact the shortlist for the second round as they had to write material to a one week deadline.

Thanks for taking part. Don't be disheartened if you didn't make it this time. Hopefully we will be able to open the series up to newcomers towards the end of the first broadcast run in Feb 2007. With luck, if the series works this should be an ongoing opportunity for new writers. A bit like Weekending. Only with jokes.

Best wishes

Adam Bromley

****************************************

So that seems like good news and that there's still hope for those who didn't make it to start with.

where was that originally posted?

It's on Writers' Dock and the poster there quotes the source as having been on Chortle but I haven't seen it myself. I think that it's genuine though as WD is a good reliable site.

Just checked Chortle Forums and it is indeed on the Writing and Performing Comedy Forum dated 02/11

Quote: dyingtolive @ November 12, 2006, 9:53 PM

because somebodies name is massive

is that the sketch you sent in for the first round?

View original

I have to confess that I just laughed out loud at this response. Fantastic.

Quote: steve by any other name @ November 13, 2006, 8:37 AM

I have to confess that I just laughed out loud at this response. Fantastic.

View original

I'm baffled. Is this a comment on the comment or a comment the sketch?

It's all getting too surreal round here.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ November 13, 2006, 8:58 AM

I'm baffled. Is this a comment on the comment or a comment the sketch?

It's all getting too surreal round here.

View original

comment on the comment.

Great concept and I laughed. Nice one.

Well, I didn't "get" what his job was before the end (maybe I'm a bit tired...), but I'd agree it could be reworked a bit. Personally, I like the thought of them getting to the bedroom -

NEVILLE:
One for missionary, two for doggy, three for cunilingus, four for anal.

JANE:
Four.

F/X: 'POP', CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY A FEMININE SCREAM

JANE:
THREE! I MEAN THREE! THREEEEE!

F/X: SHORT GRUNT-ISH MOAN

...Well, it'd amuse me. But then my sense of humour is odd like that.

Quote: Aaron @ November 13, 2006, 5:54 PM

Personally, I like the thought of them getting to the bedroom -

NEVILLE:
One for missionary, two for doggy, three for cunilingus, four for anal.

JANE:
Four.

F/X: 'POP', CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY A FEMININE SCREAM

JANE:
THREE! I MEAN THREE! THREEEEE!

F/X: SHORT GRUNT-ISH MOAN

...Well, it'd amuse me. But then my sense of humour is odd like that.

View original

Hmmm Perhaps a tad risque for 18:30 on BBC Radio 4

Quite.