British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 243

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 7:27am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,747 posts

What's the difference between a hysterectomy and Trump? A hysterectomy isn't a total c**t.

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rrr 969

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 8:50am
  • Odessa, Ukraine
  • 251 posts

"I have nothing to eat but I continue to buy headphones, and they are not cheap - I mean good ones,
I think I will soon eat headphones." From Twitter.

)
I can relate to it, almost not a joke

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gappy

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 10:55am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,143 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 5th October 2020, 7:27 AM

What's the difference between a hysterectomy and Trump? A hysterectomy isn't a total c**t.

I think it is is. Perhaps replace hysterectomy with reductive labiaplasty? Otherwise, it's a good gag.

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Billy Bunter

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 11:13am
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 1,573 posts

I was about to write to Buster Bloodvessel to ask him how tall he was. But then I realised that would be the height of bad manners.

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billwill

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 1:16pm
  • North London, England
  • 5,905 posts

2001 jokes;
~~~~~~~~~~

Things I've learned from television

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a parade - at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk
you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Errr

:SPirateWave

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 1:32pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,747 posts

In the words of Sylvia Plath, f**king Hell.

Quote: gappy @ 5th October 2020, 10:55 AM

I think it is is. Perhaps replace hysterectomy with reductive labiaplasty? Otherwise, it's a good gag.

That gag got me banned once. What is it with church fetes?

My personal favourite: What's the difference between my mother's vagina and my mother's living room? You take your shoes off before you enter her living room.

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Chappers

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 6:08pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 31,946 posts
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 5th October 2020, 11:13 AM

I was about to write to Buster Bloodvessel to ask him how tall he was. But then I realised that would be the height of bad manners.

>_

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playfull

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 6:44pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,975 posts

Bill, can i add to your list -

In America no one ever locks their car. Everyone just walks up to their car and open the door. Car keys don't exist?

And people must stand by their phones 24/7. When anyone makes a call it is always answered immediately.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 6:49pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,747 posts
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 5th October 2020, 11:13 AM

I was about to write to Buster Bloodvessel to ask him how tall he was. But then I realised that would be the height of bad manners.

I asked Suggs and he told me to f**k off. Madness.

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Billy Bunter

  • Monday 5th October 2020, 10:36pm
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 1,573 posts
Quote: billwill @ 5th October 2020, 1:16 PM

2001 jokes;
~~~~~~~~~~

Things I've learned from television

I would add a further two:

1) Every female domestic servant finding a dead body is carrying a tray

2) Whenever the radio is switched on to hear a particular piece of news, it is immediately broadcast.

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rrr 969

  • Tuesday 6th October 2020, 1:08am
  • Odessa, Ukraine
  • 251 posts

Billy,
in any scenario:
1) they DO broadcast something about murders that movie character did today or yesterday
(... "2) it is immediately broadcast right that time as you switch on" ...)

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john tregorran

  • Tuesday 6th October 2020, 2:00am
  • mornington,victoria, Australia
  • 1,881 posts

From Billy's list : If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

I think we'd all have strange noises in our underwear :)

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Tuesday 6th October 2020, 8:18am
  • Mirfield, England
  • 4,105 posts

Billy's list

Every car's tyres will squeal when they set off.
Revolvers with 6 chambers can fire 12 bullets.
When power is cut to a building, Emergency lighting will announce 'Emergency lighting activated' just in case you are wondering how come lights are still on.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 6th October 2020, 8:32am [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,975 posts

Bills List.

All henchmen are awful shots. Even with a machine gun and a half a magazine head start they always miss the hero, who then pops them off with a single shot.

When the hero throws a knife, even if it only sticks in an inch or two, it immediately and silently kills the baddy.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 6th October 2020, 8:49am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,747 posts
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 5th October 2020, 10:36 PM

Whenever the radio is switched on to hear a particular piece of news, it is immediately broadcast.

Yeah, they do that in the Flintstones. It annoys me because it undermines the credibility of the series. I thought it was all true before that.
It's the same when someone has mind-reading abilities and the precise info they need is passing through the other guy's brain the second they check it out. More realism, please.