I'm on a fruit diet to get off my Sporty Spice obsession. It's melony, see?

I'll tell you a secret Michael.
I once spent an afternoon with Melanie C and as we were leaving, she said she'd like to see more of me.
So I got my nob out.

I used to buy this soft porn mag and they loved that joke. 'People wrote in asking to see more of her - but...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' It was up there with 'Coming next month? Make sure.'
What's the difference between eating and masturbating? You wash your hands BEFORE eating.

My mother can't choose between Eskimos and Africans, so she blows hot and cold.
My father can't decide between vintage and modern centerfolds, so he takes the rough with the smooth.
My sister can't decide between Bros and One Direction. They're both total f**king shit.

I always forget that Biblical town. - Judea? - Yes I do, dear.
I always forget that month after June. - July? - No, it's true.
I always forget that One Direction song. - Thank f**k for that. They're shit.

I was told that nothing rhymes with orange. No it f**king doesn't. And they're supposed to be an English teacher!

I can't remember any Ronnie Corbett. Sorry!
I can't remember any Sinitta. Shame, shame, shame.
I can't remember any One Direction. Thank f**k. They're shit.

I had incest once, but I'm sworn to secrecy about who it was. Mum's the word.

I went to a short-sighted circumciser. Can I have my ball back, please?

What's the difference between yawning and coming? You can put your hand over your mouth when you yawn.

I don't like Twitter. I can't get a handle on it.
I don't like feather thieves. They get me down.
I don't like One Direction.

What's the difference between an abandoned mother and a priest? A mother doesn't want to be left holding the baby.

What's got 36 legs, sounds like shit and gives priests a boner? A Sia video.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 4th October 2020, 5:07 PM

What's got 36 legs, sounds like shit and gives priests a boner? Asia video.

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Surely there are billions of them.

I was surprised to read Donald Trump was 6' 3". I didn't know you could stack shit,