British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 242

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 9th September 2020, 11:50am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

I'm on a fruit diet to get off my Sporty Spice obsession. It's melony, see?

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Wednesday 9th September 2020, 8:41pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,872 posts

I'll tell you a secret Michael.
I once spent an afternoon with Melanie C and as we were leaving, she said she'd like to see more of me.
So I got my nob out.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 10th September 2020, 8:13am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

I used to buy this soft porn mag and they loved that joke. 'People wrote in asking to see more of her - but...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' It was up there with 'Coming next month? Make sure.'
What's the difference between eating and masturbating? You wash your hands BEFORE eating.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 11th September 2020, 9:23pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

My mother can't choose between Eskimos and Africans, so she blows hot and cold.
My father can't decide between vintage and modern centerfolds, so he takes the rough with the smooth.
My sister can't decide between Bros and One Direction. They're both total f**king shit.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 12th September 2020, 7:49pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

I always forget that Biblical town. - Judea? - Yes I do, dear.
I always forget that month after June. - July? - No, it's true.
I always forget that One Direction song. - Thank f**k for that. They're shit.

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gappy

  • Sunday 13th September 2020, 1:15pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,107 posts

I was told that nothing rhymes with orange. No it f**king doesn't. And they're supposed to be an English teacher!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 14th September 2020, 7:07am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

I can't remember any Ronnie Corbett. Sorry!
I can't remember any Sinitta. Shame, shame, shame.
I can't remember any One Direction. Thank f**k. They're shit.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 19th September 2020, 4:47pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

I had incest once, but I'm sworn to secrecy about who it was. Mum's the word.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 21st September 2020, 7:39am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

I went to a short-sighted circumciser. Can I have my ball back, please?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 22nd September 2020, 6:03pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

What's the difference between yawning and coming? You can put your hand over your mouth when you yawn.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 26th September 2020, 9:56am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

I don't like Twitter. I can't get a handle on it.
I don't like feather thieves. They get me down.
I don't like One Direction.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 3rd October 2020, 7:05am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

What's the difference between an abandoned mother and a priest? A mother doesn't want to be left holding the baby.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 4th October 2020, 5:07pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,542 posts

What's got 36 legs, sounds like shit and gives priests a boner? A Sia video.

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Chappers

  • Sunday 4th October 2020, 7:36pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 31,488 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 4th October 2020, 5:07 PM

What's got 36 legs, sounds like shit and gives priests a boner? Asia video.

Surely there are billions of them.

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playfull

  • Sunday 4th October 2020, 11:49pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,904 posts

I was surprised to read Donald Trump was 6' 3". I didn't know you could stack shit,