British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 240

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 28th August 2020, 10:34am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

John Lennon seducing feathers. 'Let me take you, down.'

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alison blunderland

  • Friday 28th August 2020, 11:21am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts

I was in a bar last night and some guy was hitting on me. I wasn't interested at first but he bought me a gin and tonic, then another, then another . . . then another. At the end of the night, he asked me if I'd like to go back to his place, so I said yes. What else could I do? He'd Schwepped me off my feet.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 28th August 2020, 9:18pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

John Lennon changes his mind. 'Don't let me, down.'

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alison blunderland

  • Saturday 29th August 2020, 11:09am
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts

I've started drinking brake fluid but it's not a problem. I can stop any time I want.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 29th August 2020, 12:46pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

I asked Freddy Mercury how many virgins he'd like to deflower. He said, I want to break three.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 29th August 2020, 3:01pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

I'm just as much against gender assumptions as the next man.

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Tiggy

  • Sunday 30th August 2020, 9:59am
  • Reading, England
  • 187 posts

I have a flask that keeps cold things cold and hot things hot, but how does it know what's hot and what's cold?!

Turns out it's impregnated with Corona virus, which communicates with 5G masts that then transmits signals to the chips in our brains, which relay messages to Microsoft, then on to Bill Gates. He passes on all that information to his reptile alien overlords who control the hot/cold settings on flasks throughout the galaxy. Obvious really.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 30th August 2020, 10:19am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

My mother can't decide whether to fellate Africans or Eskimos, so she blows hot and cold.

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alison blunderland

  • Sunday 30th August 2020, 11:01am
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts

I'm also struggling with a difficult decision. I can't decide if I should get engaged to my boyfriend. If I get engaged, on the one hand I'll have a beautiful diamond ring to show off but on the other hand I WON'T.

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Sunday 30th August 2020, 11:05am
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,189 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 30th August 2020, 10:19 AM

My mother can't decide whether to fellate Africans or Eskimos, so she blows hot and cold.

One your best MM surely. Laughing out loud

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 30th August 2020, 2:35pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

A compliment. That's three more than usual.
My dad has green fingers. C**t's been dead for six months.

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gappy

  • Sunday 30th August 2020, 4:25pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,046 posts

This is not a good joke, but on the plus side, I actually dreamt this, it might be the first time I've come up with a functioning pun in my sleep.

How did the area manager know which of their landlords had not cleaned the pub toilets?
Based purely on inn stink.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 30th August 2020, 6:34pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

My dad was so upset after the divorce, he said, Michael, don't ever mention that woman again. I said, It's all right, Dad. Mum's the word.