British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 239

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alison blunderland

  • Saturday 22nd August 2020, 9:59am
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts

I rang the police this morning to report a murder on the field behind my house.

I was on the phone for twenty minutes being passed from department to department until finally they told me they have no jurisdiction over crows.

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alison blunderland

  • Monday 24th August 2020, 9:58am
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts

The doctor asked me if I ever thought I might have a problem with alcohol.

I said I never thought that but I do know I have a problem WITHOUT it.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 24th August 2020, 12:27pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

I have a problem with masturbation. I have to wait five minutes before I can do it again.

After twenty years' struggling against alcoholism, I'm proud to say I've finally given up. Given up struggling.

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Monday 24th August 2020, 3:10pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,608 posts

I'm still enjoying sex at 63..

I live at 61

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alison blunderland

  • Tuesday 25th August 2020, 2:12pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts

I have a friend who's a nun and she takes a cold shower every morning.

She does it out of habit .

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rrr 969

  • Wednesday 26th August 2020, 12:30am
  • Odessa, Ukraine
  • 193 posts

I'm still enjoying sex in 69.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 26th August 2020, 6:50am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

Gloria Estefan has made an album about Labour and the Conservatives. C**ts both ways.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 26th August 2020, 11:31am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

I knew my sex life was dead when I asked out Kojak. And he said, Not tonight, I'm washing my hair.

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alison blunderland

  • Wednesday 26th August 2020, 12:44pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 26th August 2020, 11:31 AM

I asked out Kojak..

You were trying to get on telly (or vice versa).

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 26th August 2020, 1:44pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

What's the difference between Moses and Kojak? Moses went round with Aaron.

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alison blunderland

  • Thursday 27th August 2020, 3:13pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 22 posts

As soon as conditions permit, my new show at the Edinburgh Festival will be on. It's called 'Reverse Psychology'.

Do not come and see it. Just DON'T.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 27th August 2020, 4:38pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,223 posts

I have a recurring dream about Melanie C. My psychologist says it represents my subliminal desires. For Melanie C.

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Chappers

  • Thursday 27th August 2020, 8:37pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 31,112 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 27th August 2020, 4:38 PM

I have a recurring dream about Melanie C. My psychologist says it represents my subliminal desires. For Melanie C.

Why doesn't this get greyed out as being off-topic. IE - not a joke!