British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 226

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Definitely Tarby

  • Wednesday 11th March 2020, 1:19am
  • 1,994 posts
Quote: Frankie Mildly Perturbed @ 10th March 2020, 8:52 AM

I have always liked Corona, I see no reason to stop drinking it now.

Perhaps that explains the almost two year absence and frankly I'm mildly perturbed.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 11th March 2020, 8:07am [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

I just popped out to buy a loaf.. some cigs.. a newspaper.. to see a man about a dog.. btw I got 99 problems with dogs but a bitch ain't one..

Seriously though, as many 'returners' know BCG is like Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave (ask Aaron... :))

But actually, the real reason is that I have been busy with my chip shop.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 11th March 2020, 8:21am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,665 posts

Portion of chips please, and fish.
Plaice?
Next to the chips, duh.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 11th March 2020, 8:40am [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

Hello love can I have chips and a firkin
What's a firkin?
A firkin fish, love! Sleepy

What did the pile of snow say to the gritter?
Did you get my drift.

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 11th March 2020, 11:29am [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,852 posts

FISHMONGER: Are you in the mood, or what?

WIFE: Not tonight dear: I've got a haddock.
.....................................................................................................................................................

A friend of mine is at fishmonger's school and he's just received his end-of-term report.

"Summary: cod do batter".

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 11th March 2020, 3:01pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

Laughing out loud

My chippie is based slightly out of the area but we are house delivering a super cod and chips to Mayfair residents at a mere £42 10 shillings and sixpence or '42 pound ten bob and a tanner' as we describe it over the phone. Residents are lapping it up and most give us a £50 spot and say keep the change. My wife wants to know why attractive Mayfair ladies get a larger portion, I say that's just nature, dear. :)

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 11th March 2020, 6:36pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,665 posts

I'm sick of sharing fish with my mate. I've haddock with him.

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Buggers Muddle

  • Wednesday 18th March 2020, 1:09pm
  • Askett HP27 9LL, United Kingdom
  • 4 posts

I was sick of fish and chips, so decided to have a Chinese. The family run restaurant was empty but the waiter told me all tables were booked. Just as I was walking out the owner rushed over and led me to a table , I told him I had been informed there were no spaces available tonight. He told me to take no notice of the waiter, he was his Dim Sum.

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playfull

  • Wednesday 18th March 2020, 3:15pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,704 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 1st March 2020, 11:29 AM

Why is Coronavirus like wanking?

Is it because in both cases my wife makes me stay 6 foot away from her?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 18th March 2020, 3:49pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,665 posts

What's the difference between sneezing and coming? You put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 27th March 2020, 1:25pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,665 posts

What's the difference between the supermarket and my mother? The supermarket only lets in one at a time.

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Chappers

  • Friday 27th March 2020, 9:57pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 30,933 posts

I just saw that someone had posted on Tell us a Joke and I wondered who it might be.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was Michael Monkhouse!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 28th March 2020, 8:10am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,665 posts

What's the difference between rap and trap? The letter t.

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Saturday 28th March 2020, 9:59am
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,089 posts

I wouldn't say I'm tight but my moths have opened their own bank account. Angy

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 28th March 2020, 11:13am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,665 posts

I wouldn't say my mother's tight but when I got married she had confetti on elastic.