British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 221

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 8th February 2019, 11:46am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,877 posts

My car has a 'Baby on board' sticker so the person behind slows down. Unless it's a priest, he speeds up.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 9th February 2019, 11:23am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,877 posts

Went to a short-sighted prostitute. Didn't see it coming.

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gappy

  • Saturday 9th February 2019, 5:31pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,026 posts

Who's got no thumbs and a great punchline!? Err, no idea...

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 10th February 2019, 10:42am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,877 posts

They say you only appreciate something when you've lost it. What about virginity?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 16th February 2019, 4:22pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,877 posts

My dad says his penis is larger than mine, but I rise above it.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 26th February 2019, 11:10am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,877 posts

The Vatican are campaigning against child abuse. It' s like Hitler working for racial equality. 'Genocide was just a phase...'

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Rood Eye

  • Tuesday 26th February 2019, 3:25pm
  • England
  • 3,968 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 26th February 2019, 11:10 AM

The Vatican are campaigning against child abuse. It's like Hitler working for racial equality. 'Genocide was just a phase...'

Hitler, I'm told, wiped out about 1/400th of the world's population because he thought the world would be a better place without them.

God, I'm told, wiped out almost 100% of the world's population because he thought the world would be a better place without them. He also drowned every land-dependent creature that didn't make it onto the Ark.

I can understand why people hate Hitler but I can't understand why anybody would hate Hitler yet love God.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 26th February 2019, 5:35pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,149 posts

Probably because they think gods real and he can get them if they bad mouth him .

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Rood Eye

  • Sunday 3rd March 2019, 2:17pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 3,968 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 3rd March 2019, 11:30 AM

If you burn a Gospel, do you get lukewarm?

On a slightly serious note, the reasonably decent joke about getting lukewarm will be lost on many listeners because they'll turn off (in terms of comedy receptiveness) as soon as they hear the words "burn a Gospel".

Additionally, the practicalities involved in burning a Gospel while leaving the rest of the Bible intact make the joke appear somewhat contrived.

I think you'd be much better off with "If you leave a Bible on a radiator, does it get lukewarm?"

That's funny, it won't offend anybody, and it'll get you a laugh everywhere from a primary school to an old folks' home.

Having said all that, I do realise that a bit of offensiveness is very much your thing (and why shouldn't it be?) so perhaps my advice is better-aimed at anybody who reads your original joke and thinks about nicking it. :D

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 4th March 2019, 11:17am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,877 posts

Wow, someone arsed to comment! Nice one.
They've taken the book of Ruth out of the Bible. Ruthless!

Quote: Rood Eye @ 3rd March 2019, 2:17 PM

Having said all that, I do realise that a bit of offensiveness is very much your thing

In the words of Oscar Wilde, there is only one thing worse than being spoken about behind one's back. And that is Mrs Brown's Boys.

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DeathbyMonkey

  • Monday 11th March 2019, 10:01am
  • England
  • 708 posts

Playboy are experimenting with a multi-level marketing company. It's a cottaging industry

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 16th March 2019, 1:39pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,877 posts

Did you break my window? - Maltesers. All Sorts. Mars bars. - Enough of the sweet talk. Did you break my window?

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Rood Eye

  • Friday 29th March 2019, 9:36am
  • England
  • 3,968 posts

Isn't it ironic that the dance troupe "Diversity" were actually very good at what they did?

That must be the only occasion in British TV history when diversity and talent went hand-in-hand.