British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 220

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 7th January 2019, 12:03pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

John Lennon returned from his holiday shivering to death. I said, Where did you go? He said, Cold Turkey.

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gappy

  • Tuesday 8th January 2019, 1:11pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,018 posts

-What sort of car have you got?
-Corsa
-What sort of f**king car have you got, twat?

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Will Cam

  • Tuesday 8th January 2019, 9:50pm
  • England
  • 7,974 posts
Quote: gappy @ 8th January 2019, 1:11 PM

-What sort of car have you got?
-Corsa
-What sort of f**king car have you got, twat?

Took me a moment butLaughing out loud

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 9th January 2019, 11:36am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

What brand's your Tshirt? - Guess. - I don't know. What brand's your Tshirt?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 13th January 2019, 2:38pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

I've reached the moment in my autobiography where I grow out of masturbation. It's my ageing-of-come story.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 14th January 2019, 11:42am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

I'm so shy. Why can't I be confident? I've been with my girlfriend for 15 years and I still can't say those three little words. Those three magic words I so wish to say and she so wishes to hear. Just... 'Swallow the lot.'

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 16th January 2019, 12:43pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

I have to look after the house while my mother, Victoria Beckham and Melania Trump have a night out. I'll be waiting till the cows come home.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 1st February 2019, 11:56am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

Gameshow where you jerk off to feathers. Come on down.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 2nd February 2019, 12:17pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

What's the difference between tourists and my mother's undies? Tourists don't always get ripped off.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 3rd February 2019, 12:46pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

I can't remember the name of that beautiful island. - Seychelles? - Shells. I can't remember the name of that beautiful island. (I'm really sorry.)

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 5th February 2019, 1:57pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

What's the difference between Ronnie Barker and my mother's legs? Ronnie did more than Open All Hours.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 6th February 2019, 1:12pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts

What's fat, likes the Spice Girls and keeps contributing to dead threads?

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Old Lady Leg

  • Thursday 7th February 2019, 10:40am
  • Complete and utter Kent, United Kingdom
  • 449 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 6th February 2019, 1:12 PM

What's fat, likes the Spice Girls and keeps contributing to dead threads?

Don't stop, I love your jokes...and...did you know, if you say 'space ghetto' it sounds like Spice Girl in a Scottish accent?
Btw, one of my fave jokes is derived from one Data told in a Star Trek episode in an attempt to appear more human.

I tell it:
A man walks into a butcher's shop and says, "A pound of kiddley, please." So the butcher replies, "Do you mean a pound of kidney?" and the man says, "That's what I said, diddle I?"

It's an old one, but I find it impresses children and I can't write jokes myself and can only remember about one joke and that's one of them. I love jokes about meat (insert own punchline, see above).

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 7th February 2019, 10:52am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,678 posts
Quote: Old Lady Leg @ 7th February 2019, 10:40 AM

It's an old one, but impresses children .

Like my vicar.
The Pied Piper of Hamlyn, 5000 kids running after one man. That's a priest in reverse.

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Chappers

  • Thursday 7th February 2019, 9:18pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 30,933 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 7th February 2019, 10:52 AM

Like my vicar.
The Pied Piper of Hamlyn, 5000 kids running after one man. That's a priest in reverse.

Maybe he was Rolf Harris in a previous life.