British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 175

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Monday 8th August 2016, 1:08pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

There was a guy at an open window just as a piano was falling from a balcony directly above.. I told him he should look out!

*****

My hairdresser just replaced all his scissors from a 'bargain basement' on ebay. He got them for a snip.

*****

Managed to cancel the appointment for my circumcision - just before the cut-off.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 10th August 2016, 9:30am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

What do you call a cross between a chicken and a rude TV presenter? Simon Fowl.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 10th August 2016, 11:04am
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

I saw a guy in a horned helmet zigzagging backwards and forwards in the street - turns out he was delivering for Viking Indirect.

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Nick81

  • Wednesday 10th August 2016, 1:28pm
  • Preston, England
  • 358 posts

I once went to a psychic reading and asked why they didn't just use their powers to predict the lottery results.

"We can't do that" he replied. "Using our powers for financial gain is unethical."

"Fair enough, just thought I'd ask."

"No problem" he smiled. "That'll be £25, please."

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 10th August 2016, 3:58pm
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

People keep asking me what my last name is, it's the same one I had all along!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 11th August 2016, 8:40am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

Robbie Williams tried anal with a horse. Come on dung.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Thursday 11th August 2016, 12:41pm
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

When I arrived at the crossroad I sat down and has a little chat with it to cheer it up. Apparently, a nasty avenue had upset it earlier, what a cul de sac.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 15th August 2016, 9:37am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

My friend stole my last cookie. Just took the biscuit.
Which comedian shags English Olympists? Roger Sloman.

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Yorick

  • Tuesday 16th August 2016, 6:13pm
  • Rochester, England
  • 29 posts

A footballer was outside his house shouting and yelling. A crowd of neighbours who'd been woken up stood opposite, begging him to stop. He ignored them and continued to scream and holler. The police arrived and asked him to shut up. He wouldn't. So one of them used his Taser and the footballer fell to the ground unconscious. Finally it was silent. The neighbours slowly raised their arms, pointed at the footballer and sang "Oh it's all gone quiet over there, oh it's all gone quiet over there..."

Too soon? :-)

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peternevin

  • Wednesday 17th August 2016, 7:12am
  • United States
  • 1 posts

Did you hear that Donald Trump has accepted a position with the White House orchestra? He's going to play the buffoon.

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Yorick

  • Wednesday 17th August 2016, 12:18pm
  • Rochester, England
  • 29 posts
Quote: Nick81 @ 10th August 2016, 1:28 PM

I once went to a psychic reading and asked why they didn't just use their powers to predict the lottery results.

"We can't do that" he replied. "Using our powers for financial gain is unethical."

"Fair enough, just thought I'd ask."

"No problem" he smiled. "That'll be £25, please."

I like this one.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 20th August 2016, 8:33am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts
Quote: Frankie Rage @ 4th August 2016, 3:09 PM

Which song do children with diarrhoea sing?

Skip to my Lou.

Another shit joke.. :P

Which rock star takes books to the toilet? Lou Reed.

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Yorick

  • Saturday 20th August 2016, 3:50pm
  • Rochester, England
  • 29 posts

These are two absolutely genuine off-the-cuff remarks I heard on TV years ago.

Jim Rosenthal and Jim Watt were commentating on a boxing match.
Jim Watt said "I can't understand why the English guy is taking such a beating. He's very intelligent - he's a member of Mensa"
Jim Rosenthal replied "Well, after this fight I hope he's a member of BUPA!"

Two women were commentating on the Ladies Floor Exercises in the Olympics. One said "That was an amazing display of agility. You wouldn't have seen a routine like that 20 years ago."
The other replied "That's very true. British gymnastics has improved by leaps and bounds!"

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 22nd August 2016, 8:58am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

Cannibal self-mutilator? Eat your heart out.

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tony kay

  • Monday 22nd August 2016, 9:04pm
  • England
  • 92 posts

They've just opened a support group for gay lumberjacks. Its called
Fruits of the forest.
I just got a PM from the dating site plentyoffish.com. It said (your plaice or mine).
Insert other fishy puns between the brackets if you wish.

My friend is so stupid, even his phone is smarter than him.
My drug dealer wanted to set up a website where his clients could order small quantities and get their drugs straight away.
I had to tell him instagram was already taken.
My conspiracy website was so paranoid it needed to be hosted on a medicated server.
My drug dealer is so stupid when the salvation armyh came round selling poppies he asked if they had any seeds.

I am so bad at finding the right person. I was advised to do online dating so I subscribed to google calendar.