British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 173

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 28th June 2016, 9:44am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

What do you call an ugly villain who can't speak French? Minger the Merciless.

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Yorick

  • Tuesday 28th June 2016, 2:46pm
  • Rochester, England
  • 29 posts

Did you know?...the Japanese word for "thrush" is "itchifanni".

In Asda, a man told an assistant "I just walked past the potatoes and carrots, then the beans. Each time I heard a voice saying 'one potato, two potato, three potato, four!'" She said, "Of course you did, sir. That's the vegetable counter!"

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 28th June 2016, 5:55pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

Gary Barlow wrote about anal with the 50 foot woman. 'How Deep Is Your Tush?'

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 1st July 2016, 4:01pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the beach? Melony Sea. Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the aviary? Melony Bee. Which Spice Girl eats f**k all? Victoria.

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Chappers

  • Friday 1st July 2016, 5:39pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 30,942 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 1st July 2016, 4:01 PM BST

Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the beach? Melony Sea. Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the aviary? Melony Bee. Which Spice Girl eats f**k all? Victoria.

Should that be the Apiary?

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 2nd July 2016, 4:19pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

I heard a buzzing from the front of my friend's car. Must have a bee in his bonnet.

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HeadJam

  • Wednesday 6th July 2016, 3:26am
  • 24 posts

You're so out of shape you get out of breath using Google. Also AIDS.

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Nick81

  • Wednesday 6th July 2016, 11:51am
  • Preston, England
  • 358 posts

What's Oscar Pistorius prison sentence and his legs got in common?

They're both a fraction of what he should have received.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 7th July 2016, 8:47am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

Everyone needs legends... Except Oscar Pistorius, he needs leg ends.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Thursday 7th July 2016, 7:30pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

Those packs of two little apple pies, when they are separated who gets custardy?

[Worth £80 of anybody's money!]

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Reg N

  • Saturday 9th July 2016, 4:46pm
  • Nottinghamshire, England
  • 359 posts

What did P say to R ?
Get to the back of the Q

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 10th July 2016, 8:06am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

John Lennon's wife drops an egg. Yolk? Oh, oh no.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 12th July 2016, 6:12pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,942 posts

Conference against references to measurements of time... I'll second that. In the minutes.

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Nick Nockerty

  • Tuesday 12th July 2016, 6:26pm [Edited]
  • Greater Manchester, England
  • 656 posts

What do Nigel Farage and Diarrhoea have in common ?
They both create a stink, exit quick and leave someone else to clean up the mess.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 13th July 2016, 11:30am
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,495 posts

What I don't understand is, why is there ever a need to notify anyone of a change to your permanent address?