It's my first time posting on here and I'd really appreciate some advice / criticism of my rejected sketch for sketch factor. I really thought it was funny but obviously not.Thanks again.

Teaching the preacher in 21st century media communication

STEPHEN
I’m just going outside for a fag break

JOHN (always speaks through a megaphone)
But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

STEPHEN
Excuse me mate. Does that really work?

JOHN
God and/or Jesus etc work for everyone. You will always find love with them or it er you know

STEPHEN
No I mean. What you are doing. I’d have thought that you wouldn’t get very much response

JOHN
You’d be surprised

STEPHEN
Would I?

JOHN
No actually. No-one has shown any interest in what I’ve got to say at all. Not so much as a ‘piss off’

STEPHEN
Let me help. I have a degree in media studies and I think that you have a problem with your approach

JOHN
Well I am lucky to have run into someone who is so highly qualified. He does move in mysterious ways – even in GAP.

STEPHEN
I couldn’t help but notice that you always seem to talk through a megaphone

PASSER-BY
Excuse me can I just get past

STEPHEN
Sorry

JOHN
Sorry. Yes I always talk through the megaphone.

STEPHEN
Why is that? Would God use a megaphone?

JOHN

Of course they wouldn’t talk through a megaphone but if they started talking everyone would listen wouldn’t they? They’d have a deep rasping reverberative voice saying “er hello this is God and/or Jesus etc. I’m back”? If I didn’t use a megaphone then no-one would hear me. Plus I have quite a girly voice

STEPHEN
Well it doesn’t seem to make a difference whether you use it or not. But it certainly doesn’t come across as friendly and Christian does it? Perhaps we need to work on your delivery

JOHN
You know it takes balls to stand here on the busiest shopping street in the world and hector at people that their lives are empty and worthless. I’m not doing it without a megaphone – I need it.

STEPHEN
Well perhaps you could still use the megaphone but sound a bit more cheerful. Ultimately it is a positive message that you have isn’t it?

JOHN
I suppose

STEPHEN
So why all the anger and rage? That’s just going to turn people off. Tone it down a bit, try sounding a bit more friendly like this [friendly spoken]

JOHN [friendly]
And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

STEPHEN
Better. Now finally we need to work on the content.

JOHN
I suppose that you’d rather I’d not mention religion at all. Perhaps I should give public service announcements ‘Whilst walking up and down Oxford Street why not try doing some shopping?’ At least I believe in something.

STEPHEN
I don’t think that sarcasm really works through a megaphone. You’ve only got people’s attention as they walk past, which is what 2 or 3 seconds? You need to get your key ideas over in that time – so for a start stop talking about the Holy Trinity

JOHN
Yes I’ve always had trouble getting the complexities of the God/Jesus etc thing over. To be honest I don’t really know what the Holy Spirit actually means.

STEPHEN
Ok so pick the brand leader. God.

JOHN
God it is.

STEPHEN
Now we need a key message. What’s the message that you want to get over today.

JOHN

Err. Worship before thy God or he will avenge upon your souls and you shall be cast below into the fiery….

STEPHEN
What have we just discussed about keeping it a bit more light hearted. We also need to keep it simple. Let’s do a brainstorm – what do you think of when you think of God

JOHN
Sin

STEPHEN
Love

JOHN
Hell

STEPHEN
Heaven

JOHN
Repent

STEPHEN
Ok ok. How about this. Old fashioned but catchy. ‘God is Love, repent your sins and he will forgive you.

JOHN
I’m game

STEPHEN
OK. Remember; friendly voice, keep it short and don’t shout in anyone’s ear.

JOHN
God is Love, repent your sins and he will forgive you.

STEPHEN
Keep going.

JOHN
God is Love, repent your sins and he will forgive you. God is Love, repent…

PASSER – BY
Piss off God botherer

JOHN AND STEPHEN
YES!

Hi, I'm not really qualified to comment, my sketches were rejected by Sketch Factor too. One ('Celebrity') is posted in the critique forum if you'd like to pass comment on it yourself, please feel free. Bearing this in mind, I did find yours a little difficult to understand the first time I read it. I was thrown by the whole 'God and/or Jesus' thing and in my view, most of the lines were too long and some were quite difficult to deliver. I wasn't sure about the very first line and if there was a need for one or if the ranting would not have set the scene a little more clearly. I didn't really find it funny to be honest, although I could see the humour in the idea once I'd reached the end. Sorry if this sounds negative but the whole thing is so subjective, there could be plenty of people out there who really love it. Personally, I found it difficult to come up with ideas that fitted their format requirements and yet still 'grabbed' me. Not an easy task! Best of luck with future projects.

I didn't reach the final 23 either, so again what do I know? but if it's helpful I'll give some feedback and if I'm brave enough I'll post mine some time.

I agree with pretty much everything Steve by Any Other Name said. In my subjective opinion the sketch needed simplfying and being a bit more snappy, I could def see where you were coming from and it was an original idea it was maybe just a little too wordy.

I'm also don't think it completely fitted into their 'brief' which was to satrise the media and media technology.

Below is the feedback they gave in their rejection email for the 2nd round for reasons scripts weren't successful, which might be helpful (although it wasn't particularly helpful for me)

- The premise of the sketch may have been confused and not properly followed through.
- The development of the existing sketches may have reworked the original without providing a fresh spin on the format.

- The comic ideas may not have felt distinctive or surprising.
- The material may not have fitted the style or tone of the show

I'd like to read yours beddy_boy, as I'm sure a lot of people would. You were atleast asked to submit for the second round which is more then most of us were. Maybe there's something we can build on from your experience?

Thanks for the comments. Very helpful. My other sketch was a piss take of sexy confessional blogs but I won't post that as I don't think it's that funny any more.

Well I think a positive from entering Sketch Factor was finding this site and other people with an interest in writing comedy.

I'll post one of my sketches when I'm at home tomorrow, I'll post the last original one I did, which I wasn't 100% per cent happy with and would be pleased to have your input/advice.

I'd love to read any more enteries - I did find it quite tough, particularly to write an original piece that fitted into their style of comedy.

Have to agree, the idea didn't kick off fast enough and it could have been said with half the word count.

I couldn't even download the soddin' format samples so didn't enter.

Quote: SlagA @ November 12, 2006, 12:46 PM

Have to agree, the idea didn't kick off fast enough and it could have been said with half the word count.

I couldn't even download the soddin' format samples so didn't enter.

View original

Yeah I had problems downloading the format samples too - I just ended up copying how they laid their sketch out in their pdf examples.

Ok below is one of the scripts I handed in for the 2nd round, I really worked long and hard on this script but it still just doesn't quite work in the end - any suggestions/comments on where it went wrong or ideas that could have saved it would be appreciated (I was at least fairly happy with the other 2 sketches I emailed in)

INDIE COLLEGE RADIO DJ - Sketch

DJ DANNY: (BARELY AUDIBLE) It’s 3pm and you’re listening to..

GRAMSOUND OF CHAIR BEING MOVED FORWARD AND MUCH RUSTLING

DJ DANNY: (SOUND IS SORTED OUT) Right ok it’s 3pm, I’m Danny, this is Dulwich College FM and you’re listening to ‘Rip It Up’.

I’m here with your weekly dose of revolution and disorder, where the rule book is sent flying out the nearest window (SLIGHT PAUSE) although I do need to wrap things up by 4pm sharpish so I’m not late for English Lit (REBELLIOUSLY) although this is the show with NO rules so who knows I might still decide NOT to go (MEEKLY) although in all likelihood I probably will go to keep my 100% per cent attendance record.

GRAMSAPER BEING STRAIGHTENED

(READS OBVIOUSLY FROM SCRIPT) Anyway stay with me as I stage a revolution in your brainwaves and on the airwaves ok (A BEAT)) although apparently if you do wander any further than the library the signal does break up and turns into BBC Somerset Sound, so stay where you are right now ok!

Anyway my favourite new hardcore band this week are so cool and so underground they don’t even have a name ok and refuse to actually record anything (SMUGLY) so there is NO WAY you’ve heard of them ok! In fact they’re so radical they refuse to play live or even meet each other! Well they’ve sent me a copy of their debut E.P – which of course is utter genius!! although don’t expect me to play anything from it cos they despise any radio promotion and also the record is basically two sides of blank vinyl, so it would be impossible anyway but it does rock!!!

(SLIGHT PAUSE)

So ok I’ve got another 58 minutes to fill and that was the only record I bought in… (STRUGGLING) errm anyway…

GRAMSAPER SHUFFLED

(STILL STRUGGLING) Ermm yeah well I hope you’re enjoying the show and everything (HAS AN IDEA) Emails!! Yeah right I’ve had an email from Tom who says (SLIGHT PAUSE AS HE READS) ‘keep up the good work’ – cheers Tom - and he really liked the demo I played by Delicate Vomit last week and wonders if I’ll play it again this week? (OUTRAGED) will I play it again?! What do you think?! Of course I won’t play it again, that record was sooo last week and that scene is sooo over! We don’t do nostalgia here; maybe you’re better off with Capital friggin Gold or something Tom?! (TAKES SEVERAL DEEP BREATHS TO REGAIN HIS COMPUSURE AFTER HIS RANT)

GRAMS:KEYBOARD TAPPING

Well that does seem to be the only email (AWKWARD DEAD AIR) ok let me just double-check there aren’t any more… yep there’s a couple of spam emails and one from my mum, so please do email in if you’ve got a laptop or something, check out the website www.hardcoredanny.ac.uk and DO make sure you put ‘ac.uk’ rather than ‘co.uk’ because otherwise you’ll be directed to some pretty extreme hardcore porn and those pop-ups are impossible to erase from your hard-drive!

(ANOTHER PAUSE) OK another 56 minutes left…

Look I was going to bring in and play some new crunkcore records I bought yesterday but the scene was over within 24 hours and it all sounds sooo dated now ok

(SLGHT PAUSE) Ah shit still 56 minutes left

GRAMS:NERVOUS WHISTLING

You know I suppose I could really make use of this time to do some English Lit revision (OPTIMISTICALLY) unless there have been any emails (SLIGHT PAUSE) nope no emails…

Ok until next week don’t forget there’s no-one more hardcore than Hardcore Danny – peace!!!.

It seems people have been recieving rejection e-mails for the sketch factor, as well as e-mails about sending more sketches, or getting through to the final few stage; well I have yet to recieve anything at all! Anyone else enter and not hear anything yet? And does that mean its all ready over, or perhaps theyre doing it in stages, as there will be a few meets in different parts of the country, so theyre sorting out first, for instance, entrants from the south? They did say it could take to until the end of november to hear, or am I just clutching at straws here!

I haven't had the "no" email or the "next stage email" either. You are not alone, but probably just in straw clutching.
And I'm in London, so that screws the south-is-early straw to clutch.
Bugger.

i entered and got through to the second stage but then rejected just the other day it was hard because the pilot with out sounding arrogant was poor so although you wrote your best stuff the comparison or measuring stick was hard and the stuff on the pilot wasnt stuff i liked or the sort of stuff i write, still it was a good oppurtunity where there arent many for anyone wanting to write comedy, and its a shame there aren't more things like this. what does everyone else think about the competition and how they found it? im looking forward to hearing the show to see what got through if you like.........

Hi Upholsterer.

I agree with what the others have said. In my opinion it needs a bit of weeding and pruning here and there.

I did like the pay off though and it made me laugh.

Beddy-boy

I like some of the ideas in your sketch. The idea that something is so cool that it isn't worth sharing because if you do then it dilutes its uniqueness is something I have played about with myself.

Perhaps you could have introduced a second character into the situation via a phone call or something and that might have given you the opportunity to broaden it slightly; but who knows?

Always difficult to second guess what people actually want but well done for getting as far as you did.

beddy_boy, I thought there was some funny stuff in there, but perhaps it needed tightening up a bit. I guess that comes from having to produce it in such a short time?

Thanks so much for your feedback! Blenkinsop you're absolutely right another charactor would have broadened the sketch out and maybe allowed it to wander in other comic directions as well as making it more snappy. And you're spot on too Steve by Any Other Name that it also needed to be tighter - to be honest it wasn't really the lack of time it was just I really struggled to get it to flow (the 2nd charactor would have helped!)

I'd never written comedy before the sketch comp, so your feedback is really helpful - thanks again.

beddy_boy what did u choose as the other sketch for the second round (which sketch did you pick from the pilot)?