British Comedy Guide

The Fall and Rise of Johnny Titter.

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SSTT

  • Monday 17th June 2013, 8:12pm [Edited]
  • Southampton, England
  • 1,548 posts

"Keep your chin up, Sunshine."

WEBSITE COMEDY SENSATION JOHNNY TITTER IS HAVING A HEART-TO-HEART WITH HIS WIFE, GABRIELLE.

GABI: (tearfully) Johnny - I don't quite know how to say this, but..

JOHNNY: I got a job on the Space Shuttle.

GABI: Please Johnny, for once in your life, just..

JOHNNY: Brought me right back down to Earth, I can tell you!

GABI: Oh Johnny, please listen, I just..

JOHNNY: What's the name of that oral STI, infecting people who have sex with animals?

GABI: Oh please, no Johnny..

JOHNNY: Damn! It's on the tip of my tongue..

GABI: (tearfully) Johnny, please get a hold of yourself! I have to tell you something. It's..

JOHNNY: There's a rumour going round that Native American scientists plan to release new data about buffalo migration..

GABI: (sobs) Oh Johnny, it's really important to me.. to us.. please Johnny?

JOHNNY: ..so keep your ears close to the ground on that one..

GABI: Just listen, please, Johnny! I've wanted to say this for years. I..

JOHNNY: My wife wants me to swing both ways..

GABI: Oh Johnny. I so wish you'd listen to me and..

JOHNNY: ..but my boyfriend's not so keen.

GABI: Johnny? I just can't stand it any more! I..

JOHNNY: I'm not saying that TV advertising isn't subversive..

GABI: ( a paroxysm of sobs)

JOHNNY: ..but I went to Philadelphia and I couldn't find ANY car insurance!

GABI: Please please, Johnny, just stop one moment, for once in your life..

JOHNNY: There are 2 types of comedian: those who repeat themselves, and those who don't.

GABI: Johnny, I love you so much, like I've never loved anyone before in my whole life, but..

JOHNNY: And those who don't..

GABI: Johnny! Just stop for one moment, please.. and listen! We should..

JOHNNY: If they can build little bridges for dormice so that they can cross the road..

GABI: Oh no, Johnny, please?

JOHNNY: ..why can't they build them for chickens?

GABI: (more sobbing) Johnny? If you carry on like this, I can't see any way out. I do do so love you, but..

JOHNNY: There are 2 types of comedian: those who never get their punchlines mixed-up.. and..

GABI: Please please, Johnny, stop it now!

JOHNNY: Half a pound of sausages at 60 miles an hour...

PAUSE

THE FAKE SMILE FALLS FROM JOHNNY'S FACE AS THE REALISATION HITS HIM THAT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS COMPLETELY DISTRAUGHT, HER FEELINGS SHATTERED, AS SHE CRIES HER EYES OUT IN DESPAIR. TEARS WELL IN HIS EYES AS HE REACHES OUT HIS HAND TO GRASP HERS TENDERLY.

AFTER A MOMENT OR TWO, THEY DRY THEIR EYES AND COMPOSE THEMSELVES.

GABI: (Sniff) Oh Johnny.. but.. why would anyone want to wear a balaclava?

JOHNNY: Please, darling, we really need to talk. I think that..

GABI: It goes completely over my head.

JOHNNY: No, darling, please, I really need to say..

GABI: My Psychiatrist says I'm immature..

JOHNNY: Gabi, please, I..

GABI: ..but my Mummy doesn't think so..

JOHNNY: No, darling, please, we really need to..

GABI: Apparently, 3 of every 8 CSI fans eat breakfast, 5 out of 12 Doctor Who fans go to IKEA..

JOHNNY: (Starts to weep) Please, darling! I so so want to tell you that..

GABI: ..and 7 of 9 Star Trek fans masturbate in front of the TV.

JOHNNY COLLAPSES IN AN EMOTIONAL HEAP, AS HIS COMEDY AGENT ENTERS.

AGENT/JOHNNY/GABI: I'm leaving you!

THE THREE LOOK GUILTILY BACK-AND-FORTH BETWEEN EACH OTHER, UNSURE AS TO WHOM EACH ONE IS TALKING.

FADE OUT

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Shandonbelle

  • Monday 17th June 2013, 9:34pm
  • England
  • 6,571 posts

I liked this, the switch from him not listening to her was good and nice ending.

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SSTT

  • Thursday 11th May 2017, 10:40pm
  • Southampton, England
  • 1,548 posts

Thanks for reading, Shandonbelle. I hope it gave Sunshine a lift.

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Steve Sunshine

  • Friday 12th May 2017, 11:02am
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,541 posts

I can't remember why I needed one
But It's always nice to hear from the Mirthmeister JT

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comedywriter dude

  • Saturday 27th May 2017, 10:12am [Edited]
  • Australia
  • 225 posts

i have to give you 10 out of 10 considering the forum is about wanking and you did actual joke..

though i made it into an actual joke for you

you know my last name is titters i have a heart to heart with my wife every day
and today i found out i will be the next austronaute i'm gonna be in a space shuttle
captain titters.
my friend johnny is concerned he said whats that name for chimps
infecting people going into space
"its called herpes" don't worry already have it all clear
johnny no thats not it it is on the tip on my tongue
"no normally its around the lips anyways thanks buddy i'm gota get ready for lift off soon"

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Saturday 27th May 2017, 12:01pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,492 posts

I think you are high enough already.