- Monday 17th June 2013, 8:12pm [Edited]
- Southampton, England
- 1,548 posts
"Keep your chin up, Sunshine."
WEBSITE COMEDY SENSATION JOHNNY TITTER IS HAVING A HEART-TO-HEART WITH HIS WIFE, GABRIELLE.
GABI: (tearfully) Johnny - I don't quite know how to say this, but..
JOHNNY: I got a job on the Space Shuttle.
GABI: Please Johnny, for once in your life, just..
JOHNNY: Brought me right back down to Earth, I can tell you!
GABI: Oh Johnny, please listen, I just..
JOHNNY: What's the name of that oral STI, infecting people who have sex with animals?
GABI: Oh please, no Johnny..
JOHNNY: Damn! It's on the tip of my tongue..
GABI: (tearfully) Johnny, please get a hold of yourself! I have to tell you something. It's..
JOHNNY: There's a rumour going round that Native American scientists plan to release new data about buffalo migration..
GABI: (sobs) Oh Johnny, it's really important to me.. to us.. please Johnny?
JOHNNY: ..so keep your ears close to the ground on that one..
GABI: Just listen, please, Johnny! I've wanted to say this for years. I..
JOHNNY: My wife wants me to swing both ways..
GABI: Oh Johnny. I so wish you'd listen to me and..
JOHNNY: ..but my boyfriend's not so keen.
GABI: Johnny? I just can't stand it any more! I..
JOHNNY: I'm not saying that TV advertising isn't subversive..
GABI: ( a paroxysm of sobs)
JOHNNY: ..but I went to Philadelphia and I couldn't find ANY car insurance!
GABI: Please please, Johnny, just stop one moment, for once in your life..
JOHNNY: There are 2 types of comedian: those who repeat themselves, and those who don't.
GABI: Johnny, I love you so much, like I've never loved anyone before in my whole life, but..
JOHNNY: And those who don't..
GABI: Johnny! Just stop for one moment, please.. and listen! We should..
JOHNNY: If they can build little bridges for dormice so that they can cross the road..
GABI: Oh no, Johnny, please?
JOHNNY: ..why can't they build them for chickens?
GABI: (more sobbing) Johnny? If you carry on like this, I can't see any way out. I do do so love you, but..
JOHNNY: There are 2 types of comedian: those who never get their punchlines mixed-up.. and..
GABI: Please please, Johnny, stop it now!
JOHNNY: Half a pound of sausages at 60 miles an hour...
THE FAKE SMILE FALLS FROM JOHNNY'S FACE AS THE REALISATION HITS HIM THAT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS COMPLETELY DISTRAUGHT, HER FEELINGS SHATTERED, AS SHE CRIES HER EYES OUT IN DESPAIR. TEARS WELL IN HIS EYES AS HE REACHES OUT HIS HAND TO GRASP HERS TENDERLY.
AFTER A MOMENT OR TWO, THEY DRY THEIR EYES AND COMPOSE THEMSELVES.
GABI: (Sniff) Oh Johnny.. but.. why would anyone want to wear a balaclava?
JOHNNY: Please, darling, we really need to talk. I think that..
GABI: It goes completely over my head.
JOHNNY: No, darling, please, I really need to say..
GABI: My Psychiatrist says I'm immature..
JOHNNY: Gabi, please, I..
GABI: ..but my Mummy doesn't think so..
JOHNNY: No, darling, please, we really need to..
GABI: Apparently, 3 of every 8 CSI fans eat breakfast, 5 out of 12 Doctor Who fans go to IKEA..
JOHNNY: (Starts to weep) Please, darling! I so so want to tell you that..
GABI: ..and 7 of 9 Star Trek fans masturbate in front of the TV.
JOHNNY COLLAPSES IN AN EMOTIONAL HEAP, AS HIS COMEDY AGENT ENTERS.
AGENT/JOHNNY/GABI: I'm leaving you!
THE THREE LOOK GUILTILY BACK-AND-FORTH BETWEEN EACH OTHER, UNSURE AS TO WHOM EACH ONE IS TALKING.