- Sunday 27th October 2013, 5:53pm
- Brighton, United Kingdom
- 180 posts
Below the Line - Maybe
Pipe stuff funny. Window that opens and closes good. A lot of the dialogue is well played and funny but it's essentially just two people in a room talking. Show don't tell should be your maxim but nothing is shown, why don't we see the wedding and fallout? You made me laugh but there needs to be a much, much stronger plot and characters.
Donnie - No
Wow, Donnie is unpleasant. Problem with him is he's got no redeeming features, so I don't like him or identify him or want to spend time with him. David Brent was a cock, but I also sympathised because he was sensitive.
Honest - No
'Coming from Australia?' Would anyone say this? We know she Australian from the accent, surely. "Tea! I should've offered tea. Soup." - nice line. The problem here is that very little happens, there's an awful lot of standing around talking and ver little action. Funny talking is all well and good, but it needs to be rooted on a strong comic plot to make it interesting
Shuuuush - Maybe
I laughed. Needs a stronger plot but there is some action. Edie is currently a bit nothingy. Nice idea
Since you've been gone - No
Nice idea for a sitcom. you need to give your two leads a bit more personality but the kids were nice. Some laughs but 'Snow White and Prince Charming,' 'Dog and Duck,' 'Lawyers are us.' there are lots of lines like this begging for a bit more imagination and fun....problem with the piece you've submitted though is that it's just a phone call. I mean, the kids do stuff, but it's essentially the beginning of the set-up episode. If I were you, I'd work on a short plot where they're all living together already.
Sock pub - Yes
It's pretty much hilarious, but I've done my best to pick on the few bits that didn't work for me. - Slim Pickens - nice joke but not sitting right. It's empty, there are no pickens, not just slim pickens. The songsheet scene feels a bit like filler, not sure what it does to move the plot forward. 'We'll forget about the fingering joke' - cheap laugh. The actual fingering joke is good but referencing it comes over as a little smug...and we'll try and ignore the fact I said 'comes over.' 'Other...are available' - bit of cliched line? There is a lot of taking-things-literally-with-hilarious-consquences humour, which is fine but could start to wear thin in a longer piece. That said, bloody funny and I'd watch it if Hi-de-Hi wasn't on...curious as to how you put on a full Buzz Berkley sock dream sequence in a room above a pub in Bristol though
Being Social - No
The characters are too similar, I couldn't tell the difference between the women at all. There's also very little plot. It's just a group of people in a room talking to each other. If I were you, I'd trim the cast list a little and give them somehing to do...somethigncould go wrong with a visit? Could have some meddling bastard politician on his way to see them and shake it all up?
Mr Ego - Yes
Terrible title, maybe just call it 'Ricky Dreamcoat?' Good name. 'Run it off Jimmy!' Made me laugh. I really like the idea and there's loads of action. I reckon it could work
Nobody and his cat - No
vocal warm up is funny. There are a few nice lines in this but. The three lads are way too similar. Pretty much interchangeable. Nothing happens for the first 7 pages, and I'm afraid I didn't follow the ending.
Daisy Daisy - Yes
There are some good lines and well drawn characters. There's a question of taste about the subject matter but someone else can worry about that.
Two Dimwits in a lift - No
It simply wouldn't work as a sitcom. Are they stuck in a lift each week? There is no real plot here either, they're just stuck in a lift and get out again.
2-1 - No
I'm afraid you lost me with the character descriptions. Two blokes, one smart and dreamy, the other one a bit wacky. It's been done to death. Also, nothing happens in the script. Needs more plot.
Arthouse - Yes
Good Bob Sharpe intro. Nice script. funny. Good characters. Plot happens. Top work
Baxter - No
There's a place for a sitcom about a loudmouth scumbag TV presenter. You'd have to be careful of getting to close to Roger Mellie though. Thing is, not convinced about the format. It plays too heavy on the Jeremy Kyle thing and that's beyond parody. What you've written here could be one of those talk shows. To make it work and funny, you'd need to take it to ludicrous extremes. An alien having a fight with Ghenkis Khan. I'd stick with Baxter but just make it a behind-thescenes sitcom.
Bookmobile - Maybe
It's pleasant enough, but needs a bit more oomph. Takes a while to get going and there characters aren't quite big enough but there are some decent lines and is...fine.
Buck Knightly - Yes
Good name. Great premise. Fun script. Some of the exposition is a little clumsy but it all hangs together nicely enough.
Caravan - No
It's a nice idea for a setting but this doesn't work as ascript. Nothing happens. There has to be a plot and action or it's just not interesting
Cassie - No
I like the action. Too many scripts have no movement at all in, I like all the stealthy early business. Sadly, it wasn't funny enough for me and the characters need to be more defined. Make them bigger and more conflicting and you'll get some bigger laughs.
cult of Stan - No
The characters are too similar and undefined. Also, not clear where it goes as a sitcom. Is Satan a permanent character? (I love the sitcom trials because I get to say things like 'Is Satan a permanent character?')
Demeddlers - Maybe
Nice neough. Needs some much bigger laughs though and I worry that time travel shenanigins could be a bit much for a weekly half hour show. could make a fun feature though?
Flick of the wrist - No
Promiscuous gay guy on the first page. Cliched. I struggled to follow the plot and I didn't laugh I'm afraid.
Hench - Maybe
Alright. Pip's terrific but Dan's dull. Tight plot. Nice idea
HMS Bagworth - Yes
Enjoyed this very much. Some good laughs and a good idea
Kate and Mike - Maybe
A likeable script. The 'Heyy' bit made my laugh. I think there's work to do though. I wouldn't have Kate and Mika the interchangeable characters you have at the moment. I get that they're both ditszy but ditzy people can have different personalities so I'd start working at that.
Les Happy - No
It's the Odd Couple. I mean, I guess that's fine to have a female Odd Couple fifty years on but I really struggle with reading flatcoms where the plot is all about getting a roommate. It's been done to death and this didn't stand out enough. It maybe me but I didn't find enough laughs in it.
Me, Myself and I - No
I don't get the end. It's an alright idea, but I don't see there being a sitcom in it. It's more a sketch than anything.
Men at Sea - Maybe
Couple of big laughs in there. Conrads a bit dull though and I'm not sure where the sitcom goes. Is it just them on a boat, because that's going o get dull. Still, fun script
Old boy Band - No
Needs to have more of a plot. Auditioning someone is an idea or an inciting incident, not the whole thing. Also, everyone seems very similar to each other. Could do with more clearly defined characters.
Red or Dead - No
It didn't make me laugh I'm afraid. You've got a tidy plot but it takes too long to get going. Have Sloane come in on page one and go from there.
Smooth Criminals - No
I'm sure you don't mean to offensive but you can't use Tourette's as a comedy trope. It's a mental illness.
The Great Escape - No
I'm not sure I understand who and what Steve and Ed are. So I found it very difficult to follow the plot.
The Magic man - No
The character's all sound samey and needs more plot
The Social committee - No
I may be a prude but to me, that's just really nasty. None of the characters are particularly well drawn or likeable. Not for me.
The Hole - No
Didn't laugh. The Katy character is pretty misogynistic.
ticking over - No
It's not unpleasant but there aren't enough laughs and I'm not sure what the hook of the actual sitcom would be
Turbulence - No
The Guy character is pretty offensive. The airplane isn't a bad location but it needs some well-defined original characters.
Backstage - Yes