This sitcom got down to the final 100 last year in one of those BBC sponsored competition thingies that get 10,000 entries, so someone must have liked it. Anyways, I've let it rest and now want to take it further. Here's the opening sequence after a few redrafts. I'd be really grateful for any feedback . Basically Colonel Tucky's Chicken Shed is a sitcom about a fried chicken outlet staffed largely by redundant professionals.

SCENE 1.

INT. DAY -A FRIED CHICKEN FRANCHISE IN ST HELENS WHICH RESEMBLES EXISTING FRIED CHICKEN OUTLETS BUT VIEWED THROUGH THE EYES OF A CRUEL CARTOONIST.
TITLES: TO 'ACHY BREAKY HEART' BY BILLY RAY CYRUS, 4 FAST FOOD EMPLOYEES ARE LINE DANCING IN AN EMPTY STORE. MIKE (LATE 20S, SHARP-TONGUED, PARANOID) IS EYING EVERYONE ELSE'S MOVES WITH ANXIETY, RESENTMENT AND CONFUSION. MUZZI (EARLY 20S, CREATES CHAOS AND ANGER WITH EVERY ENCOUNTER, LIKE FRANK SPENCER WITH A SMIDGEON OF POWER) IS LEADING THE PACK FROM THE FRONT, ADDING SHRILL VOCALS TO A FLAMBOYANT INTERPRETATION OF LINE DANCING. VICKY (MID 30S, IDIOT SAVANT) IS WEARING A COWBOY HAT AND EATING A BURGER WHILST BUSTING THE RIGHT MOVES IN THE WRONG ORDER. BAZ (EARLY 30S, AN OVERGROWN 'LAD', NOT SO MUCH A FISH OUT OF WATER AWAY FROM THE BUILDING SITE BUT A FISH IN SPACE) IS ADDING INTENSE HIP THRUSTS FOR HIS OWN AMUSEMENT, BEING GLOWERED AT BY MUZZI, LEST HE SUBVERTS THE EXERCISE.

FADE TO:

SCENE 1 INT. DAY - THE COUNTER OF COLONEL TUCKY'S CHICKEN SHED, IN FRONT OF A LOGO DEPICTING A BEAMING CHICKEN WEARING A CHEF'S HAT BURSTING OPEN A SHED.THE SLOGAN SHOUTS, 'TUCK IN!'

MIKE IS SLUMPED ON THE COUNTER LOOKING BORED, WHILE BAZ IS BUSYING HIMSELF BRUSHING THE FLOOR.

BAZ
Can't believe the mysterious shopper's coming to give us the old batty probe.

MIKE
I'd do anything for a day off,

BAZ
Anything, Mike? Night of passion
with John McCririck?

MIKE
Too right. I'd let him call me
'The Booby' in the morning as
well. Not as bad as working here.

BAZ (poking Mike with the bristles of the brush. Mike looks at Baz with withering contempt)
I bet you wish you still had your
teachers' holidays eh, Sir?.

MIKE
Yeah, do you miss the building
sites - sexually harassing birds
dressed like a hi-vis
Village People?

BAZ
I wasn't a builder, I was a
Foreman, chalk chops. Anyway,
what's it like
having your worst ever
pupil as your boss?

THEY HEAR COUGHING THROUGH A INTERCOM. THEY LEAP TO ATTENTION.

MIKE
That reminds me, isn't it time
Muzzi had one of his 'quiet
words' with us?

BAZ
You know if he calls me 'Baz the
Builder' again I'm gonna -

MUZZI (EARLY 20S, MANAGER, FLAMBOYANT, SCATHING) SASHAYS IN SWINGING A CLIPBOARD AND A MEGAPHONE.

MUZZI (Through the intercom)
Welcome Chicken Shedders! He ruffles Mike's hair. Mike recoils.

MIKE and BAZ (wearily)
Orright MUZZI.

MUZZI (through the megaphone)
Baz the Builder - Can he serve chicken? Baz the Builder -

MUZZI DROPS THE INTERCOM AND GETS IN BAZ'S FACE.

MUZZI
No he can't!

MUZZI ADDS AN IMPROMPTU KAZOO SOLO FROM A KAZOO THAT HE PULLS OUT OF HIS POCKET.

BAZ
Is this about my customer care
again?

MUZZI
Bang on the money girlfriend. I've
been watching you all and feeding
the data to Colonel Tucky. If I
were to describe your customer
care this week it would resemble
this..

MUZZI RUNS BACK INTO THE OFFICE AND BLOWS A LOUD RASPBERRY DOWN THE INTERCOM.

MIKE
Have you finished?

MUZZI
No.
HE CONTINUES, EVEN LOUDER THIS TIME.

MUZZI (running back in)
Now give me your ears - wait,
where's Vicky?

MIKE (geting his phone out)
She's late, she sent me a text ten
minutes ago saying 'Bad thing
happen on bus. Gonna be late.'

MUZZI
Grrr. The Mysterious Shopper is
coming to the store sometime this
week so you need to raise your
game like biggy time. Here's what
you have to do. One: Smile.

THEY SMILE SARCASTICALLY IN UNISON.

MUZZI
That's just teeth and insincerity. You lose. Two: Offer Chicken Pie-angles at
49p.

BAZ
I did that last week!

MUZZI
You did once - we had 900
customers last week. You fail!
Muzzi makes the 'I-iiiir' sound from Family Fortunes.

MUZZI
Three: Ask them if they want any
Tucky sauces.

BAZ
I feel stupid saying that.

MUZZI
Would you feel stupid saying 'Can
I have Jobseeker's Allowance
please?' Yes aye. Four: Say, 'Tuck
in' at the end.

BAZ
I'll get fired by Colonel Tucky,
even though he probably doesn't
even -

MUZZI (stopping in his tracks)
What did you say?

BEAT

MUZZI
Whomsoever serves the Mysterious
Shopper and says the right things
gets £100, plus a day off to go to
- Dave Pepperday's World of
Cheese.

BAZ
Wahey! Have you been there, Mike?

MIKE (dolefully)
Of course. I rode on the Stilton
Stink Tank. It's the best cheese-
themed ride in the North West.

VICKY FLINGS OPEN THE DOOR AND
FLIES IN.

VICKY
Soz I'm late. I trod in human poo..

MUZZI
And that made you late?

VICKY
No. I had a swollen hand when I
woke up. It's ok now.
It was like - the worst
smell I can imagine.

MUZZI RAISES ONE AND PUTS A FINGER ON HIS LIPS.

MUZZI
No - the bullshit coming from your
mouth beats it. Baz, Mike cascade
this to 'Last Chance VICKY'. I
need to email the great Colonel
Tucky.

MUZZI SKIPS OFF.

VICKY
What's with him?.

MIKE
You were late again and you know
he's obsessed with bad smells.

VICKY
What's d'ya have to cazz-cade?

MIKE
Colonel Tucky's representative on
earth said The Mysterious
Shopper's coming in this week and
whoever impresses them gets -

BAZ BARGES HIM ASIDE.

BAZ
Oh yeah...they get a free Chicken
Pie-angle with.. a Creamy Tucky
Dip.

MIKE GLARES AT BAZ. VICKY SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS.

VICKY
Big Deal. What do I have to say -
the stuff about a half -price
Spatchcock Wrap?

MIKE
Spatchcock Wraps don't exist. You
invented them.

VICKY
Oh. Aren't spatchcocks the big
chickens with red lips?

BAZ AND MIKE REACT. MUZZI'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD THROUGH THE
INTERCOM.

MUZZI (through the intercom)
Vicky, did it smell like
burping into a bowl of dog muck?

VICKY
A bit, yeah -

WRETCHING CAN BE HEARD THROUGH THE INTERCOM. A CUSTOMER APPROACHES. BAZ AND MIKE SCUFFLE TO BE THE FIRST TO
SERVE THEM. MIKE WINS. THE
CUSTOMER HAS A HITLER MOUSTACHE.
BAZ HIDES UNDER THE COUNTER.

HITLER MAN
What's he laughing at?

MIKE(smiling insanely)
He's not laughing, he gets
shivery. It's a medical condition.

MUZZI CAN BE HEARD WRETCHING THROUGH THE INTERCOM.

MUZZI(through the intercom)
Argh, disgusting! Ah, it's still
on -

HITLER MAN REACTS AND LOOKS AROUND.

HITLER MAN
What's the condition called?

MIKE
Er....Tremolo.

HITLER MAN
I'm a doctor, I've never heard of
that.

MIKE
What can I get you?

HITLER MAN
Tongue Scorcher Drummers with
curly chips. Oh, and a carton of
Spaghetti Smiles.

BAZ STARTS MAKING A CHICKEN DO NAZI SALUTES TO MAKE MIKE
LAUGH. MIKE SUPPRESSES LAUGHTER.

MIKE
Can I offer you a chicken Pie-
angle - only 49p?

HITLER MAN
No!
MIKE
£5.50 please. And some Tucky
Sauces?

HITLER MAN
No! And why are you laughing now?

MIKE (pointing to Barry)
It's his hair. It's ridiculous
don't you think. Like Jedward's
Paedophile uncle.

HITLER MAN
Yes. It is, come to think of it.

BAZ is very offended. MIKE laughs a lot.

VICKY
I knew there was something funny
about them twins.

BAZ
Tuck in, eh.

HITLER MAN
Thank you.. Bye.

BAZ
Hang on a minute here.

MIKE
He's just going.

BAZ
You're the Mysterious shopper
aren't you?

HITLER MAN
I don't know what you're talking
about.

MUZZI IS WATCHING THEM THROUGH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER. BAZ
STORMS OVER TO HITLER MAN AND GRABS HIM BY HIS LAPELS.

BAZ
Hahahaha! It's the elephant in the
room mate. Why would you have a
Hitler moustache?

HITLER MAN
My boyfriend likes it... O forget
it.

BAZ
I think someone needs to go home
and eat his tongue scorcher.

PAUSE AS HE GRABS HIS FOOD AND STOMPS OFF.

VICKY
Imagine telling your parents
you're a gay Nazi.

MUZZI SHOUTS THROUGH THE INTERCOM: 'EMERGENCY STAFF MEETING.' THEY GATHER.

MUZZI
OK Chicken Shedders. We have a
little issue here.

VICKY
Look, I didn't know he was the
Mysterious shopper.

MIKE
VICKY, he wasn't, he was just some
Nazi fetishist who wanted chicken.

This is quite difficult to read. There's not many gags and the characters feel quite similar.

The settings a great idea, but maybe reveal rather than tell us stuff?

Yes, working on differences between the characters. I suppose the point of the line dancing at the start is to highlight the differences but I agree they could be more obvious

Loved this first draft! a bit like '2 pints'set in Runcorn, will 'tis my kinda humour- well done- jealous!

Thanks Dellas!

Having just read a few bits (Not all of it yet), I'd try and cut down the opening description; do you need to describe what would happen over the opening credits? Get rid. Also, some of the opening exchanges are a bit too on the nose in trying to get across what some of that characters used to do for work. I'd look at that, makes it seem unnatural, which isn't good for an opening.

Hi Matthew, and thanks for the feedback! Yeah. Well, the opening line dancing routine was lifted from a book on screenwriting by Freddie Gaffney in which he describes a scene from The Full Monty. The idea is to cram in as much information about the characters without dialogue (especially on the nose). In the scene in the Full Monty the way the men treat the first practice reveals a lot about the group's hierarchy, their attitudes towards what they're doing and their role.
So I would argue that it's worth keeping in but maybe after a brief narrative enigma or exposition montage. Obviously whether it's funny is always a matter of opinion..
Needs work though..always!

Here's a strange thing: I submitted 'Colonel Tucky's Chicken Shed' about a fried chicken shop to a BBC Writersroom comp a couple of years back. Fast forward to Sept 2014 and 'Fried' (also a bout a fried chicken shop and with similar gags) gets a 6 part series. https://www.comedy.co.uk/news/story/000001575/fried_sitcom_gets_bbc3_series/

Has this happened to anyone else?

Quote: Fred Peters @ 2nd September 2012, 8:04 PM BST

This sitcom got down to the final 100 last year in one of those BBC sponsored competition thingies that get 10,000 entries, so someone must have liked it.

View original

Or they randomly took 100 scripts from the pile of 10,000.

You think I'm joking?

Quote: Fred Peters @ 10th August 2015, 7:41 PM BST

Here's a strange thing: I submitted 'Colonel Tucky's Chicken Shed' about a fried chicken shop to a BBC Writersroom comp a couple of years back. Fast forward to Sept 2014 and 'Fried' (also a bout a fried chicken shop and with similar gags) gets a 6 part series. https://www.comedy.co.uk/news/story/000001575/fried_sitcom_gets_bbc3_series/

Has this happened to anyone else?

View original

yes all the time there is a limited supply of ideas, so 2 people will stumble over the same one.

And it's rarely the initial idea that sells.

Fawlty Towers isn't just a sitcom about a hotel; nor Terry and June about a pair of serial killers in a sexless marriage.

I agree that the intro is too exposition heavy and clunky, I would have thought a awkward interview/induction type scenario between the disgraced teacher and former pupil turned supervisor would have been better, would have built tension and got the history across more subtly.

Something like this, hope you don't mind.

EXT. BACK ALLEY - DAY

MIKE (Mid 30's, bookish) stands at the service door of Colonel Tucky's chicken restraunt. He is wearing a shirt and tie and has a leather-bound file folder under his arm. He stares at the stained and battered door with dismay before taking a deep breath and pressing the buzzer. A few moments later the door swings open violently and BAZ (late 20's, thuggish) emerges wearing a stained and greasy colonel Tucky's uniform and jeans covered in plaster residue, he is brandishing a well-used baseball bat. MIKE retreats hurriedly and cowers. BAZ checks himself and reviews MIKE.

BAZ
I was just about to phone up and declare, honest!

MIKE
Sorry?

BAZ
Are you from the DWP?

MIKE
No, well sort of, I'm here about the job.

MIKE retrieves a sheet of paper from his folder and hands it to BAZ. BAZ stares at it.

BAZ
Is this a summons?

MIKE
It's my application.

BAZ
Oh yeah, the chicken picture should have given it away really. Well, come in then.

BAZ guides MIKE into the chicken shop using his baseball bat.

INT.KITCHEN - DAY

The kitchen of Colonel Tucky's. The kitchen is in a state of disorder. Instruction signs have been paired with crudely drawn diagrams.

BAZ
Take a seat and I'll let His Nibs know you're here, what was your name again?

MIKE
Mike, it's on the application form.

BAZ scrutinizes the form for a while before shaking his head and heading off to the office.

BAZ
Whatever!

INT.OFFICE - DAY

A small office with dated furniture and IT equipment. MUZZI (early 20's, flamboyant, scathing) sits at the desk trawling shirts on eBay when BAZ enters holding the baseball bat in one hand and MIKE's application form in the other.

BAZ
New bloke's here.

MUZZI
(without looking up)
And I see you've embraced him into your greasy bosom with your winning smile, warm personality and a hickory shellacking implement.

BAZ
Eh?

MUZZI
The bat, Bartholomew, which you insist on brandishing at anyone who even looks at the back door.

BAZ
Can't take no chances, Boss Man. Some dangerous bastards about.

MUZZI
Indeed, let's have it then.

BAZ hefts the baseball bat then reluctantly hands it over.

MUZZI
(sigh)
The application form, Baz.

BAZ looks relieved then hands over MIKE's application form, he walks out of the office whistling and swinging the bat around. MUZZI reviews the application form and a smile spreads across his face. He peers around the door frame of the office and sees MIKE sitting in despair in the kitchen. MUZZI gathers himself then steps confidently out of the office and clears his throat.

MUZZI
Don't slouch, Boy!

MIKE looks up suddenly, he studies MUZZI for a few seconds then he recognizes him and he visibly swallows.