British Comedy Guide

Crazy Little Thing - E1

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steve by any other name

  • Tuesday 7th November 2006, 6:24pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 832 posts

Here's the first episode of my first sitcom. It's essentially about a guy who ends up having to look after his baby, despite being crap with children, well, people of all ages probably. This is introducing the main caracters and the set up. Anyone care to comment?

EPISODE 1 - 'YOU'VE GOT SICK ON YOU'.

INT. DANIEL AND MARION'S KITCHEN FAMILY ROOM. - DAY
A VAST ROOM IN AN OLD GEORGIAN VICARAGE. PART KITCHEN, PART DINING ROOM, PART LIVING ROOM. OBLIGATORY AGA.
DANIEL, 40, IN TEE SHIRT AND PYJAMA TROUSERS AND WITH AMAZINGLY WILD BED HAIR, IS CARRYING BABY FREDDIE OVER HIS SHOULDER, GIVING HIM THE OCCASIONAL BOUNCE.
HE LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HIS CHILD.

DANIEL
Where are the kids?

MARION (O.S.)
There's one on you.

DANIEL
Not this one... The other, more mobile ones.

MARION (O.S.)
They'll be down in a minute. After Balamory.

DANIEL
I just can't afford to be late.

MARION (O.S.)
The only day in your life you'll be on time... And it's the one they're going to sack you?

DANIEL
Sensitive... Thanks.

MARION (O.S.)
No problem.

DANIEL
And it's 'made redundant'.

MARION (O.S.)
Whatever.

DANIEL BOUNCES FREDDIE, OBVIOUSLY THINKING.

DANIEL
Will hates Balamory?

MARION (O.S.)
It was Coco that was watching it... Will was.. Trying to get some of your old records to play on the CD.

DANIEL
O Christ.

HE TAKES FREDDIE OFF HIS SHOULDER AS HE WALKS ACROSS THE KITCHEN.
HE PASSES A CHAIR WITH A JACKET HANGING ON THE BACK AND FREDDIE DEPOSITS A SMALL AMOUNT OF MILKY VOMIT ONTO IT. DANIEL DOESN'T NOTICE.

TITLE SEQUENCE.

INT. DANIEL AND MARION'S KITCHEN FAMILY ROOM. - DAY
DANIEL, NOW DRESSED AND WITH ONLY SLIGHTLY CALMER HAIR, IS LOOKING AROUND FOR SOMETHING. HE CHECKS HIS BRIEFCASE.

DANIEL
Have you seen my lunch?

A HAND APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND THRUSTS A BULGING NAPPY SACK INTO DANIEL'S FACE. HE LOOKS HORRIFIED. THE FINGER HOLDING THE SACK BOUNCES IT FOR EMPHASIS.

MARION (O.S.)
We ran out of sandwich bags.

DANIEL
That's disgusting.

MARION, 37, WEARING BAGGY PYJAMAS BUT LOOKING GREAT, APPEARS AND WALKS RIGHT UP TO DANIEL, INVADING HIS PERSONAL SPACE. SHE OFFERS HIM THE BAG.

MARION
Actually Daniel, this is a nappy.

DANIEL REACTS.

MARION
I'd like you to put it in the bin for me.

HE TAKES THE BAG.

DANIEL
Right.

MARION
And your lunch is in the fridge.

DANIEL
Excellent.

MARION
I know this because that's where I put it, after I'd made it.

DANIEL
Thank you.

HE TURNS TO LEAVE.
MARION CROSSES THE KITCHEN AND PUTS TWO SLICES OF BREAD INTO THE AGA TOAST RACK. SHE TURNS ROUND TO FREDDIE, WAITING IN HIS HIGH CHAIR AND CONTINUES TO FEED HIM.
DANIEL COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM AND GETS HIS LUNCH FROM THE FRIDGE. HE PACKS IT NEATLY INTO HIS BRIEFCASE.
MARION IS FEEDING FREDDIE WITH ONE HAND AND TURNING OVER THE TOAST ON THE AGA WITH THE OTHER.

DANIEL
Do you know...

MARION
Little bit busy.

DANIEL
O, there they are.

HE MOVES OVER TO THE TABLE AND REACHES FOR SOME FILES, JUST AS FREDDIE SPITS HIS FOOD OUT ALL OVER THEM.
DANIEL REACTS.

DANIEL
O great.

MARION
What's the meeting about anyway?

DANIEL
It's where they continue to tell us they're doing everything they can to find us an alternative position, and that they appreciate it's not easy for us, but would we mind awfully just carrying on as normal for the next month, until the end of the consultation period... Which is when, I believe, they can sack us.

MARION
Make you redundant.

DANIEL
Apparently it's the law to torture people in this way. Supposedly it's much fairer than just... making them redundant on the spot.

MARION
Well be nice to them if you think there's a chance you'll keep your job.

DANIEL
As a matter of fact, I'm not sure I want to keep it. Maybe now's the time to branch out. Or change direction completely.

MARION
O god. You're not having a mid life crisis are you?

DANIEL SHRUGS. MARION STARTS BUTTERING THE TOAST.

DANIEL
In fact, if they don't make me a decent offer, I may well tell them to take their shitty job and stick it up their f**king arse.

AT THAT MOMENT, COCO, 6, COMES INTO THE KITCHEN AND PULLS A CHAIR UP TO THE TABLE.

MARION
And don't use the 'F' word in front of the children.

SHE FORCES A PIECE OF TOAST INTO DANIEL'S MOUTH BEFORE HE HAS AN OPPORTUNITY TO RESPOND. HE DOES ANYWAY, DESPITE HAVING HIS MOUTHFUL.

DANIEL
I didn't... I wouldn't.

COCO
You did use the 'F' word.

DANIEL
O.

COCO
Lucky I knew it already.

DANIEL
See.

MARION
Lucky how?

WILL, 8 GOING ON 14, ENTERS, ONLY HALF DRESSED, HIS HAIR ALL OVER THE PLACE.

DANIEL
William, will you please tuck your shirt in?

WILL STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT AT DANIEL, WHO REACTS.

MARION
Will.

WILL SITS AT THE TABLE, WRIGGLING MOMENTARILY, OBVIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE. HE REACHES UNDER HIMSELF AND PULLS OUT A LARGE CHUNK OF L.P. RECORD AND HIDES IT UNDER A BOWL.

COCO
Daniel just used the 'F' word.

DANIEL REACTS.

WILL
We're not allowed to use the 'C' word at school.

DANIEL AND MARION REACT.

DANIEL
That... Is probably very..

WILL
Until December. It's OK to say Christmas in December.

DANIEL AND MARION SHARE A LOOK OF RELIEF.

DANIEL
Toast?

WILL NODS AND DANIEL PLACES TWO PIECES OF BREAD IN THE AGA TOASTING RACK AND DROPS IT ONTO THE HOT PLATE.
COCO EMPTIES A WHOLE BOX OF CEREAL INTO A BOWL AND SPILLS MILK ALL OVER THE TABLE.
DANIEL GRABS A CLOTH AND BEGINS TO CLEAR UP, ANNOYED.

DANIEL
Will, have you looked in the mirror this morning?.. In fact ever. Have you ever looked in the mirror?

WILL
(ignoring Daniel)
Mum, what time's dad picking us up tonight?

MARION TURNS ROUND.

MARION
Toast.

DANIEL WAVES THE REMAINS OF HIS TOAST AT HER.
SHE GESTURES TO THE BURNING BREAD ON THE AGA.

MARION
Toast!

DANIEL REELS ROUND. THE BREAD IS SMOKING AWAY, BEYOND REDEMPTION.

DANIEL
Bollocks.

MARION
Clearing up and setting fire to the kitchen. At the same time.

DANIEL DROPS THE BURNT TOAST INTO THE BIN.

WILL
He's multi tasking.

COCO
Men can't multi task, can they mum?

DANIEL
Definition of multi tasking? Three things done badly. That's all I'm gonna say.

DANIEL PLACES TWO MORE SLICES OF BREAD IN THE TOASTING RACK.

MARION
Leave it to me. You sort yourself out or you'll be really late.

DANIEL
Has anyone seen Henry this morning? .... Late?

MARION POINTS TO A HUGE CLOCK ON THE WALL. DANIEL LOOKS UP AT IT.

DANIEL
O Christ.

MARION DROPS THE TOAST ONTO A PLATE AND WILL STARTS TO BUTTER IT.

MARION
Don't worry about Henry. He's getting a lift in with Kate.

DANIEL
Kate?

MARION
Girlfriend.

DANIEL
Well, I could still take him. Save putting her parents out.

MARION
Not her parents. Her.

FROM OUTSIDE, THERE IS THE SOUND OF AN OVER ZEALOUS CAR HORN. DANIEL CROSSES TO THE WINDOW AND PEERS OUT.
HENRY, 17 AND INCREDIBLY HANDSOME, ENTERS. HE RUFFLES WILL'S HAIR AND KISSES COCO ON THE CHEEK. HE GRABS A HANDFUL OF CEREAL FROM THE OPEN BOX ON THE TABLE AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH.

DANIEL
Henry's girlfriend is a woman?

MARION
She's the Head Girl apparently.

DANIEL
Why do they call her that?

HENRY SWEEPS PAST ON HIS WAY TO THE BACK DOOR. HE PRODUCES HIS 'L' PLATES AND WAVES THEM AT DANIEL.

HENRY
OK if I take the Porche?

DANIEL LOOKS HORRIFIED.

DANIEL
You can't drive.

HENRY
I can drive. I just don't have a licence.

DANIEL
Well there you are.

HENRY
You said you'd let me take it for a spin one day.

DANIEL
One day.

HENRY
One day has to be soon... Mum says you're selling it.

DANIEL
Well...

MARION
It's not practical.

DANIEL
You can't drive it if you haven't got a licence...

HENRY
Lighten up. You can't tell me you never bent the rules a little?

DANIEL
Things were different then.

HENRY
Different? How exactly?

DANIEL
Well...

HE'S STRUGGLING.

MARION
He had a lot more hair and a lot less waist...

DANIEL LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WAIST.
HENRY KISSES MARION ON THE CHEEK.

HENRY
Bye mum.

HE PUNCHES DANIEL PLAYFULLY ON THE SHOULDER.

HENRY
Daniel.

DANIEL
Good bye Henry.

HE DUCKS TO KISS FREDDIE, WHO BURPS IN HIS FACE.
HENRY REACTS.

HENRY
Phoaw. Milky.

HE EXITS.

DANIEL
I'll go and.... Load the car. Can you guys be ready for when I get back?

THERE IS NO VISIBLE REACTION FROM THE CHILDREN. DANIEL GRABS HIS CASE AND RUNS OUT AFTER HENRY.

MARION
Come on, you heard Daniel, lets get a move on.

THE TWO CHILDREN RESPOND TO THEIR MOTHER.

MARION
And Will, tuck your shirt in..... And sort you hair out.

HE LICKS THE PALM OF HIS HAND AND MAKES AN ATTEMPT TO FLATTEN A CLUMP OF UNRULY HAIR.

WILL
What time is daddy collecting us?

MARION
He's picking you up from school and taking you swimming, so don't forget your goggles.

COCO
Cool.

WILL PUTS THE LAST HALF OF A ROUND OF TOAST IN HIS MOUTH AND HOPS DOWN FROM THE TABLE. COCO GETS DOWN TOO.

MARION
Teeth.

WILL AND COCO RUN OUT OF THE ROOM.
MARION GOES BACK TO TENDING FREDDIE.

MARION
Have you finished? Has my Freddie finished?

WILL AND COCO RUN BACK IN AGAIN CARRYING THEIR SCHOOL BAGS.
DANIEL ENTERS VIA THE BACK DOOR.

MARION
What was she like?

DANIEL TRIES TO LOOK INNOCENT.

DANIEL
Who?

MARION REACTS.

DANIEL
Everybody ready?

HE CLAPS HIS HANDS AND USHERS THEM TOWARDS THE DOOR.

DANIEL
Let's go.

MARION
Go. Go. Go.

THE CHILDREN RUN OUT.
DANIEL LEANS FORWARD AND KISSES FREDDIE ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AND THEN KISSES MARION ON THE CHEEK.

DANIEL
See you later darling.

HE TURNS AND HEADS TOWARDS THE BACK DOOR.

MARION
Wait. Stop a sec.

DANIEL TURNS ROUND. MARION POINTS TO HIS SHOULDER.

MARION
You've got sick on you.

DANIEL LOOKS AT THE SHOULDER OF HIS JACKET AND SEES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. HE ATTEMPTS TO WIPE IT OFF AS HE WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR.

INT. DANIEL AND MARION'S KITCHEN FAMILY ROOM. - DAY

MARION IS NOW DRESSED AND HARD AT WORK. SHE IS WEARING A LARGE APRON OVER HER SMART LOOKING SHIRT AND TROUSERS.
THERE ARE VEGETABLES EVERYWHERE, INCLUDING A BUTTERNUT SQUASH OF QUESTIONABLE SIZE AND SHAPE.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE BACK DOOR AND LUCY WALKS IN.

LUCY
Met your postman. Very saucy.

SHE WAVES A CLUTCH OF MAIL AT MARION WHO SIGNALS TO A SMALL TABLE.

MARION
Anywhere there.

LUCY DROPS THE MAIL ON THE TABLE AND CONTINUES INTO THE ROOM.

LUCY
Gave him my number.

MARION REACTS.

MARION
Which one was it? The sweet little bald man with the grey beard or the very tall, very dark, very handsome, very young man?

LUCY
You have to ask?

MARION
For clarity.

LUCY REACTS.
SHE PULLS UP A CHAIR AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.

MARION
Thanks for doing this at such short notice. Shit's hit the fan at the office.

LUCY
One of the advantages of being your own boss. You can down tools whenever you want.

MARION
I know it's the wrong side of town. And the bye-pass is about as much use as a chocolate...

LUCY
Penis?

MARION REACTS.

MARION
Teapot?

LUCY REACTS.

LUCY
O.....Well, it's fine... I was coming into town later anyway to have my roots done. Couldn't be more perfect.

MARION
Your roots don't need doing... In fact, I didn't know you dyed your hair at all.

LUCY
I like to keep on top of it, keep the grey covered up.

MARION
Grey?

LUCY
Huge amounts of grey. Always have had. Well, since my early twenties. It's in my genes.

MARION LOOKS A BIT SURPRISED.

MARION
You mean...

SHE POINTS TO HER GROIN.

MARION
You're really grey down there? Must admit I found a grey pube the other day.....

LUCY
F**k no. I mean it's hereditary. My uncle and my brother both went grey early. Me too.

SHE RUNS HER FINGERS THROUGH HER HAIR.

LUCY
Look like a badger if I don't get it dyed every couple of weeks.

MARION
Well, I never would have guessed.

LUCY
That's the idea.

LUCY STARTS FIDDLING WITH THE ARRAY OF VEGETABLES DISPLAYED ON THE TABLE.

LUCY
You didn't need to make me lunch.

MARION
I know. I haven't. Help yourself to the contents of the fridge. This is Freddie's.

LUCY
All of it? No wonder he's so...

MARION REACTS.

LUCY
Cute?

MARION
I'm making a batch for the freezer. Home made organic vegetable puree.

LUCY
And Daniel makes it too?

MARION REACTS.
LUCY PICKS UP THE BUTTERNUT SQUASH AND LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT IT. IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE MALE GENITALS.

LUCY
How long has it been now?

MARION GRABS THE SQUASH AND HIDES IT UNDER A TEA TOWEL.

MARION
Only a couple of weeks, thanks for asking. Daniel's had a lot on his mind lately.

LUCY
The job situation?

MARION
He's convinced he'll get the sack. Well, you know, redundant.

LUCY
Not good.

MARION
When I go back to work we'll be fine financially, with a bit of belt tightening, but..

SHE CHECKS THE CLOCK AND BEGINS TO TAKE HER APRON OFF.

MARION
Speaking of which...I need to run if that's OK with you?

LUCY
When do you go back.. Officially?

MARION
Next week. I can't wait.. I mean, Freddie's a little darling.. But staying at home all day is driving me more than slightly mad.

SHE GRABS HER JACKET AND BRIEFCASE.

MARION
I've got my mobile...

LUCY
Go.

MARION
Or there's the office number..

LUCY
We'll be fine. Won't we Freddie? We'll see you later.

MARION LEAVES.

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE. - DAY

AN OPEN PLAN OFFICE LAYOUT, HALF A DOZEN DESKS AND DRAWING BOARDS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY.
DANIEL IS STANDING AT ONE OF THE DESKS EMPTYING IT'S CONTENTS INTO A BIG CARDBOARD BOX.
JIM, LATE 20'S, APPROACHES.
DANIEL WAVES A COUPLE OF CD'S AT HIM.

DANIEL
Look at that. Fifteen years of my life on three CD's.

JIM
Probably didn't really need three.

DANIEL REACTS.

JIM
Well, you know, storage capacity these days is amazing.

AN EMBARASSING SILENCE.

JIM
I'm surprised they didn't offer you a job.

DANIEL
O they did. I told them to stick it up their arse.

JIM
Really?

DANIEL
No. Not really.... How about you, out too?

JIM
O no... No... Apparently they were impressed with my radical proposal for the next phase of Milton Keynes... so...

DANIEL
Radical proposal?

JIM
Less roundabouts.

DANIEL REACTS.
JIM BEGINS TO WANDER OFF BUT TURNS BACK.

JIM
O.. You've.. got sick on you.

AS JIM WALKS AWAY, DANIEL MAKES ANOTHER HALF HEARTED ATTEMPT TO CLEAN HIS SHOULDER. HE LICKS HIS HAND AND STARTS RUBBING. HE LICKS HIS HAND AGAIN AND PULLS A DISGUSTED FACE.
AN OLDER FEMALE COLLEAGUE, SUSAN, APPROACHES WITH HER BOX.

SUSAN
Off too?

DANIEL
Yep. Another one bites the dust.

SUSAN
A shame.

DANIEL
You know, you're right. I've worked my tits off for this company for fifteen years. At least you recognise...

SUSAN
I meant... Because you've just had a baby. Well, Marion.... You know. How hold is Freddie now?

DANIEL
O. Six months. Nearly.

SUSAN
Shame I wasn't here when Marion brought him in.

DANIEL SMILES.

SUSAN
We weren't lucky in that department I'm afraid. Andrew's sperm were next to useless.

DANIEL REACTS. TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

DANIEL
Right.

SUSAN
Very enthusiastic. But with absolutely no sense of direction.

HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. HE TRIES TO FINISH PACKING UP HIS DESK. HE STARTS NERVOUSLY FIDDLING WITH A BOTTLE OF TIPPEX.

SUSAN
You left it quite late didn't you? What are you? 40? Did it take you long to conceive?

DANIEL THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

DANIEL
About... A minute and a half I think... Difficult to...

THE LID COMES OFF THE TIPPEX BOTTLE AND IT SPILLS ALL OVER THE DESK. SUSAN LOOKS SUITABLY HORRIFIED.

INT. DANIEL AND MARION'S KITCHEN FAMILY ROOM. - DAY

LUCY IS TRYING TO GIVE FREDDIE SOME MILK. MARION WALKS IN.

MARION
Hi Luce.

SHE WALKS OVER TO FREDDIE.

MARION
How's my little boy?

LUCY
He's spent all morning putting his foot in his mouth.

MARION
He gets that from his father.

LUCY
You're not kidding. I didn't speak to him for two months after he told me he didn't like the colour of my highlights.

MARION
He can be an insensitive bastard.

LUCY
Certainly can.

MARION TAKES OFF HER JACKET, CLEARLY THINKING.

MARION
What colour were they?

LUCY
Turquoise.

SHE SHRUGS.

LUCY
Can't seem to get him to take his milk.

MARION
Sometimes he won't.

LUCY
You can get the teat in but he looks at you as if to say 'You can force it into my mouth.... But you can't make me suck it.'....

MARION PULLS A FACE.

LUCY
Yep... That's the look.

MARION
I know. He get's that from me. Want me to take over?

LUCY
Up to you.

MARION
He seems happy enough.

LUCY
How was your meeting?

MARION
It was good. Actually, very good. They want me to head up a really important project. Nobby Nigel has basically shagged it up and I'm the one they want to sort it out.

LUCY
They're glad to have you back then?

MARION
Looks that way. They all seemed pleased to see me.

LUCY
And your boss?

MARION
He seemed especially pleased to see my tits.

SHE LOOKS DOWN AT HER FULL BOSOM.

LUCY
You had to show him your tits?

MARION HEADS OVER TO THE SMALL TABLE BY THE BACK DOOR.

MARION
Not literally. But he was obviously aware of them. And I was aware of his awareness.

SHE PICKS UP THE PILE OF MAIL THAT LUCY LEFT EARLIER AND STARTS SIFTING THROUGH.

LUCY
You don't mean...?

MARION
No. I don't mean..

SHE THROWS A COUPLE OF LETTERS DOWN AND STARES FOR A MOMENT AT AN UNOPENED ENVELOPE. SHE OPENS IT QUICKLY AND READS THE LETTER INSIDE.

MARION
Bollocks.

LUCY
Problem?

MARION
It's from the nursery. Apparently there was a fire.

LUCY
That's your nursery? It was on the news. Something to do with a careless cigarette. Well, that and the fact that the cook turned up pissed and left the gas on.

MARION
They're having to close for refurbishment. Won't be open for two or three months.

LUCY
Blessing in disguise if you ask me. There are obviously some serious holes in their recruitment vetting. You're better off somewhere else.

MARION
Actually, that pretty much f**ks everything.

MARION REACTS TO THE REALISATION.

LUCY
Important not to panic I think.

MARION STARTS PANICKING.

LUCY
Alternative childcare options. Phone book?

MARION OPENS A DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A YELLOW PAGES. SHE DROPS IT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. LUCY STARTS LOOKING THROUGH IT.

LUCY
Do we want kindergarten?

SHE FLICKS THE PAGES TOWARDS THE 'K' SECTION.

MARION
Sounds too German. And their record on child care is less than exemplary.

LUCY
Creche?

LUCY STARTS TO FLICK BACK TOWARDS 'C'.

MARION
Too French?

LUCY STOPS FLICKING.

LUCY
Actually, can you afford to be this picky? How did you find the last one?

MARION
All of the parents in the office use it.

LUCY
How about the one by the old Grammar school?

MARION SHAKES HER HEAD.

MARION
Drive past it on the way to work. At dropping off time it's an absolute Chavalanche. You can't move for pink velour track suits and Burberry accessories.

LUCY
So that's a maybe?

MARION REACTS.

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE. - DAY

DANIEL IS THE ONLY ONE LEFT IN HIS AREA. HE IS READY TO LEAVE, CARRYING HIS BOX.
AS HE WALKS OFF, HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIS EMPTY DESK.
SALLY, MID 50'S AND WAY PAST HER PRIME APPROACHES HIM.

SALLY
All done?

DANIEL
Yes. Just off. You heard yet?

SALLY
On my way up now.

DANIEL
We're all out, essentially, I think. Apart from that bastard Jim... Any ideas about what you're going to do?

SHE SHAKES HER HEAD AND LOOKS SERIOUS.

SALLY
Well, I'm too old to go on the game.

DANIEL LOOKS SURPRISED AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

DANIEL
O, no.. No... I wouldn't say that. No. I mean. I'm sure there are specialist... I mean, niche... Fetish...ists..

AN EMBARASSING SILENCE.

SALLY
You're probably right. I'll get by.

SALLY WALKS OFF SMILING TO HERSELF. SHE TURNS TO DANIEL.

SALLY
Best of luck by the way.

SHE HEADS OFF. DANIEL STANDS THERE A LITTLE DAZED.

INT. DANIEL AND MARION'S KITCHEN FAMILY ROOM. - DAY

LUCY IS OPENING A BOTTLE OF WINE, MARION IS SLUMPED ON THE TABLE, RESTING HER HEAD ON THE YELLOW PAGES. FREDDIE IS NO LONGER THERE.

LUCY
I can't believe it. How can they all be full?

MARION
I'm not surprised. We put Freddie's name down before he was born. And they only confirmed he had a place a month ago.

LUCY
Subject to unforeseen fires.

MARION
Seemingly.

LUCY
What about Catherine?

MARION RAISES HER HEAD OFF THE TABLE.

MARION
Are you insane?

LUCY PUTS A GLASS OF WINE DOWN IN FRONT OF MARION.

MARION
O, clearly not.

LUCY
What's wrong with Catherine?

MARION
Everything.

LUCY
Everything being..?

MARION
She stayed at home and raised Daniel, and all his brothers and sisters. She did this because a woman's place is in the home, looking after the children. She thinks that leaving a 6 month old baby in the hands of total strangers..

LUCY
Highly qualified and experienced total strangers...

MARION ACKNOWLEDGES THE SUPPORT BY WAVING HER GLASS AT LUCY.

MARION
... Is nothing short of cruelty and, further more, why bother having a child in the first place if you're only going to abandon it to be raised by someone else?

LUCY
She's said all this?

MARION
Not in so many words, but I can see it in her eyes.

LUCY
Right.

MARION
I just want to scream at her that I only had another child because it meant so much to her perfect Daniel. I mean, I've got three others already.

LUCY
By two different fathers...

MARION
Helpful, thanks.

LUCY
Pleasure.

MARION
Actually, that's another thing. I have too much baggage. I'm not good enough for her Daniel. Well, let's see how she likes it now because I'll be supporting him until he finds another job.

LUCY
So.. Essentially, are we ruling out asking Catherine?

MARION
I think we are.

LUCY
Wait a minute. Doesn't Daniel's sister do child minding?

MARION REACTS.

LUCY
What's her name.

SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS A COUPLE OF TIMES, THINKING HARD.

LUCY
You know. The mad one.

MARION REACTS.

LUCY
I've answered my own question haven't I?

MARION NODS.

THERE IS THE SOUND OF A CAR ARRIVING ON THE GRAVEL DRIVE OUTSIDE.

LUCY
Is that the kids?

MARION
It was a car Luce.

LUCY
Well, you know, if you're prepared to palm your baby off onto somebody else.... Stands to reason you'd have no qualms about letting the older kids make their own way home from school. Hitching a lift with the first pervert that offers them sight of some puppies.

MARION REACTS.

MARION
Their dad's collecting them. It could be Henry. He got a lift in with his new girlfriend this morning.

MARION GOES TO THE WINDOW TO INVESTIGATE. LUCY GETS UP TOO.

LUCY
What's she like?

MARION
Head girl.

LUCY
They used to call me that.

SHE SMILES.

MARION
F**k, it's Daniel.

THE TWO OF THEM SCURRY BACK AND SIT AT THE TABLE.
DANIEL COMES STAGGERING IN WITH HIS CARDBOARD BOX AND DROPS IT ON THE WORKTOP.

DANIEL
Hello Luce.

LUCY
Daniel.

SHE NOTICES HIS JACKET.

LUCY
You've got sick on you.

DANIEL
O for f**ks sake...

HE TAKES OFF HIS JACKET AND THROWS IT ONTO A CHAIR.

MARION
What are you doing home?... You didn't tell them to stick their f**king job...

DANIEL
Up their f**king arse? No. There was no job. I did mumble 'Your f**king arse' under my breath but it went unnoticed.

LUCY PASSES HIM A GLASS OF WINE WHICH HE POURS STRAIGHT DOWN. HE HOLDS OUT THE GLASS AND LUCY FILLS IT AGAIN.

MARION
How do you feel.

DANIEL
I have no idea.

HE SLUMPS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND PICKS UP A POT OF VEGETABLE PUREE LEFT OVER FROM FREDDIE'S LUNCH. HE STICKS HIS FINGER IN THE FOOD AND PULLS IT OUT, COVERED IN LURID ORANGE GUNK. HE SLOWLY AND PURPOSEFULLY LICKS IT OFF.

DANIEL
Not bad. Marion makes a mean carrot puree Luce.

MARION
It's butternut squash.

LUCY
You can buy baby food you know, Daniel.

DANIEL
It's not the same. We know this is only made from organic vegetables because we bought organic vegetables, steamed them ourselves and pureed them, adding nothing at all. No salt or artificial anything.

MARION
Of course, he says we..

DANIEL
Obviously I mean Marion but..

THROUGH THE BABY LISTENER, THE SOUND OF FREDDIE BEGINNING TO WAKE UP CAN BE HEARD. HE BEGINS TO CRY.

LUCY
Probably a nappy.

DANIEL LOOKS AT MARION, WHO GLANCES BRIEFLY AT LUCY. LUCY SHAKES HER HEAD AND MARION JUST LOOKS BLANKLY BACK AT DANIEL.

DANIEL
Right. Leave it to me.

HE STANDS UP AND EXITS THE ROOM.
LUCY REACHES FOR THE BABY LISTENER AND TURNS THE VOLUME UP, SITTING IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE BETWEEN HER AND MARION.

LUCY
We could do with cheering up a bit.

SHE GRINS AS SHE POURS MORE WINE.
THROUGH THE BABY LISTENER, WE HEAR DANIEL ARRIVING IN FREDDIE'S ROOM.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Hello darling. Hello mate. Come to daddy.

FREDDIE STOPS CRYING AND THERE IS THE SOUND OF HIM BEING PICKED UP.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Good boy. Daddy check your napps? Daddy check your napps.

HE STARTS SINGING.

DANIEL (O.S.)
We're checking our napps, we're checking our napps, daddy and Freddie are checking our napps.

LUCY LOOKS AT MARION WHO SHRUGS IN REPLY.

DANIEL (O.S.)
We're checking our napps...

MARION
He has to sing everything. Always the same annoying little tune. Drives me insane...

DANIEL (O.S.)
Good... O f**king Christ... O. No... O f**k... Shit... Shit.

THERE IS THE SOUND OF DANIEL COUGHING THROUGH THE BABY LISTENER. THE COUGHING BECOMES RETCHING. THIS CONTINUES AND IT SOUNDS AS IF HE ALMOST VOMITS.

MARION
He's not very good with poo.

LUCY
He's not very good full stop.

DANIEL'S RETCHING SUBSIDES.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Phew. That's better. Good boy.

MARION HAS A LOOK OF ENLIGHTENMENT.

MARION
Hang on.

LUCY LOOKS QUIZZICAL.

MARION
Child care... Daniel can do it.

LUCY LAUGHS OUT LOUD UNCONTROLLABLY. SHE SWAYS BACKWARDS AND ALMOST FALLS OFF HER CHAIR, STILL LAUGHING.
MARION IS STARING AT HER, A STERN EXPRESSION ON HER FACE.
LUCY PICKS UP HER HALF EMPTY WINE GLASS AND LOOKS AT IT ACCUSINGLY.

LUCY
Sorry.... How much have I had?

MARION
Two mouthfuls.

LUCY
I don't know why I found that funny.

MARION
You don't think Daniel would be any good do you?

LUCY COMPOSES HERSELF.

LUCY
You're serious?

MARION NODS.

LUCY
But Daniel isn't very good with Freddie. Babies, in fact. Children even. He's not very good with people... Don't get me wrong, he's been my best friend for twenty years but... In all of that time... He's been utter crap whenever he was presented with a baby. Surely you don't think..?

MARION SHAKES HER HEAD.

MARION
He'd be rubbish. But what choice do I have?

DANIEL (O.S.)
Lets put your trousers... Come on. There. Good. No, no. Good. One leg. Good boy. Now the other leg... Nearly there. Well done... O. No. O. There. Now the other leg.... That's it.. And the other leg......

LUCY
More than two legs?

MARION
He's very wriggly.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Finally. There. Ready Freddie?

LUCY IS THINKING.

LUCY
The other problem here, is that he'll never agree to it.

MARION REACTS.

LUCY
Look, you know he'd be crap. I know he'd be crap. And.. He know's he'd be crap... And even if he did agree, which he won't, how long's he going to be out of work for? A few weeks at most?

MARION
We're going to have to convince him to do it.

LUCY
We?

MARION
Yes we. Come on, I need your help here. If I don't go back to work, I'm going to go completely insane. And we'll be without an income. Your God son will be experiencing needless hardship, because you wouldn't help with this little tiny problem.

LUCY
I haven't got a God son.

MARION
Well, we were going to ask...

LUCY LOOKS EXPECTANT.

MARION
Do you want to be Freddie's God mother?

LUCY
Really? Can I?

MARION
Only if you're going to help.

LUCY
O for Gods sake.

MARION
It would mean no blasphemy.

LUCY
F**k.

MARION
And a great deal less swearing.

LUCY REACTS.

MARION
And you'd have to promise never to tell anyone he's named after Freddie Mercury.

LUCY
Right.

MARION
As far as the Major is concerned, Freddie is named after him.

LUCY
Obviously.

MARION
Please help.

LUCY
OK. But we're going to have to get him to offer to do it. Appeal to his ego. Let him think that it's his idea. Then, when he realises what he's committed himself to... He'll be too proud to back out and loose face.

MARION
So, essentially...

LUCY
Play him like he's any other bloke really.

THEY CLINK THEIR GLASSES TOGETHER.
DANIEL ENTERS THE ROOM CARRYING FREDDIE.

DANIEL
There. That wasn't any trouble.

MARION
Well done daddy.

DANIEL SMILES AND LOOKS VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.

MARION
So, back to the matter in hand.

SHE MAKES A BIG SHOW OF LIFTING THE YELLOW PAGES IN FRONT OF HER AND FLICKING THROUGH.

MARION
Luce, could you pass me the telephone?

LUCY GIVES HER THE HANDSET.

DANIEL
What are you doing?

LUCY
Slight problem with the nursery.

DANIEL REACTS.

MARION
There's been a fire. They're having to shut down temporarily for refurbishment.

DANIEL
So you can't go back to work? That'll please mother.

MARION
Never mind your bloody mother, what about me? I'm going crazy looking after Freddie all day.

DANIEL
Crazy? You love Freddie. He's a really good baby, you're always saying so.

MARION
Doesn't matter.

LUCY
You wouldn't want to do it day in and day out. Would you?

DANIEL
I...

MARION
Wait a minute.

LUCY
What?

MARION RAISES A FINGER TO HER MOUTH, THINKING.

DANIEL
What?

MARION
Problem solved. Daniel could stay at home and look after Freddie.

LUCY STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN. A LITTLE EXAGGERATED.

LUCY
Good one.

DANIEL
Hang on.

MARION
No. No. You're right. Foolish.

DANIEL REACTS.

LUCY
It's never going to happen.

DANIEL
What's never going to happen?

LUCY
You, looking after Freddie. All day. With no help.

DANIEL REACTS.

LUCY
Sorry just can't see it.

MARION
You're right. I'll try another nursery.

SHE STARTS RUNNING HER FINGER DOWN A LIST IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

DANIEL
This is pathetic.

MARION AND LUCY REACT.

DANIEL
Do you think I can't see what's going on here?

MARION DRAWS BREATH.

DANIEL
You thought that if you made out I'd be rubbish, then my pride would force me to agree to take it on to prove you wrong.

MARION
Daniel.

LUCY
As if....

DANIEL
Well it won't wash. I'm not falling for it.

LUCY
That's arrogance. See, the thing is, we really don't think you'd be any good.

MARION
Luce...

LUCY
And Marion can't afford to take that risk.

MARION AND LUCY SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

DANIEL
I really am that bad with Freddie?

LUCY NODS. MARION SHRUGS APOLOGETICALLY.

DANIEL
I see. Right. Well, lucky you don't need me to help out then.

MARION LOOKS AT LUCY.

MARION
No offence.

DANIEL
No offence?

FREDDIE STARTS CRYING.

DANIEL
What now?

THEY ALL REACT TO DANIEL PROVING THEIR POINT.

MARION
He's still tired. His poo woke him early. Why don't you go and put him down again?

DANIEL
I'll give it a go.

HE PICKS UP FREDDIE AND EXITS.
LUCY LEANS TOWARDS MARION CONSPIRATORIALLY.

LUCY
Is it just me, or did that not work?

MARION
We must be losing our touch.

LUCY
Now what?

MARION
No idea.

LUCY
Let's hope he comes round soon.

MARION
I've got the weekend to work on him.

THEY DRAIN THEIR GLASSES.

LUCY
I need to be off.

SHE STANDS UP.

MARION
I'll let you know how it all works out?

THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER.

INT. DANIEL AND MARION'S BEDROOM. - NIGHT

MARION IS SITTING UP IN BED WITH THE LIGHT ON, READING A BOOK ON MARKETING.
DANIEL ENTERS IN PYJAMA BOTTOMS AND A TEE SHIRT.

DANIEL
Still no sign of him. I've left the light on. When did he say he'd be back?

MARION
Late.

DANIEL
It's a school night.

MARION
He's out with Kate. He's my son, I'm the one who should be worrying.

DANIEL
So you're worried?

MARION
No. I'm not. Now come to bed. He's got a key.

DANIEL RELUCTANTLY GETS INTO BED, HE PULLS THE DUVET OVER HIMSELF AND SNUGGLES DOWN.
MARION PUTS DOWN HER BOOK AND TURNS OFF THE LIGHT. SHE MOVES IN CLOSE BEHIND DANIEL.

DANIEL
Stop it.

MARION
Stop what?

DANIEL
You know what.

MARION
This?

DANIEL
Yes. That... I know you're still trying to get around me... So I'll agree to look after.... Stop.

MARION
Thought you liked it.

DANIEL
Not particularly.

HE SHUDDERS LOUDLY AND UNCONTROLLABLY.

MARION
See?

DANIEL
Alright. I do quite like it. But I'm not giving in just because you're touching me.... Doing that.

MARION
It's really important to me Daniel. I can't stay at home looking after Freddie any longer. I'm going crazy. Really I am.

DANIEL
You could have just asked.

MARION
What?

DANIEL
You could have asked me to look after Freddie. He is my son.

MARION
You sound very sure.

DANIEL
He's got my ears.

MARION
Poor little mite.

DANIEL
Charming.

MARION
Would you have agreed to do it though?

DANIEL
We'll never know now will we.

MARION SIGHS LOUDLY. SHE MOVES IN REALLY CLOSE TO DANIEL AND MUMBLES SOMETHING.

DANIEL
What?

SHE MUMBLES IT AGAIN, SLIGHTLY LOUDER. DANIEL THINKS HE CAN MAKE OUT THE WORDS BUT WANTS TO BE SURE.

DANIEL
You'll let me do what to you?

MARION
You can keep the bloody Porche.

DANIEL
But it's not practical. You said.

MARION
I don't care what I said. I need to go back to work more than I need a new people carrier.

DANIEL
Really?

MARION
We don't have to be practical all our lives.

DANIEL
I can keep the Porche?

MARION
You can keep the Porche.

DANIEL
Done deal.

MARION
Thank you.

DANIEL
Now... What were you doing before exactly?

MARION
You said you didn't really like it.

DANIEL
I think maybe I like it more than I was letting on.

MARION
Was it this?

DANIEL
Ow! No.

MARION
Or this?

THERE IS THE SOUND OF FREDDIE CRYING FROM THE NEXT ROOM.

DANIEL
Perfect.

HE SITS UP IN BED.

MARION
I'll go.

DANIEL
No no. It's fine. I've got it.

FREDDIE CRIES OUT AGAIN.
HE LEAPS OUT OF BED AND WALKS TO THE DOOR.

MARION
And mind the...

DANIEL WALKS INTO SOMETHING IN THE DARK.

DANIEL
F**k it.

MARION
Ladder.

INT. DANIEL AND MARION'S KITCHEN FAMILY ROOM. - NIGHT

THE ROOM IS IN DARKNESS BUT THERE IS SOME LIGHT COMING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.
THE BABY LISTENER IS ON THE TABLE AND WE HEAR DANIEL THROUGH IT. INITIALLY JUST SOME THUMPING ABOUT. THEN:

DANIEL (O.S.)
O f**k. Not another one? Christ.

THE COUGHING AND GAGGING STARTS AGAIN.

MARION (O.S.)
Let me do it?

DANIEL (O.S.)
It's fine. All under control.

THE BABY LISTENER GOES QUIET.
AFTER A MOMENT, DANIEL APPEARS IN THE KITCHEN AND PUTS THE LIGHT ON. HE OPENS ONE OF THE DRAWERS AND STARTS RUMMAGING THROUGH IT.
HE PULLS OUT AN UNIDENTIFIED ITEM.

DANIEL
That's where that is.

HE CONTINUES.
HE SEIZES A LARGE SPRUNG CLOTHES PEG AND PUTS IT ON HIS NOSE. IT OBVIOUSLY HURTS. HE TRIES SNIFFING.

DANIEL
Perfect.

HE TURNS OUT THE LIGHT AND RUNS OFF.
THROUGH THE BABY LISTENER AGAIN, WE HEAR HIM SUCCESSFULLY CHANGE FREDDIE'S NAPPY. WHILE HE CHATS, HE SOUNDS AS THOUGH HE HAS A TERRIBLE SINUS PROBLEM.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Here's daddy again. Daddy change your napps?

HE STARTS SINGING.

DANIEL (O.S.)
We're changing our napps, we're changing our napps, daddy and Freddie are changing our napps.

A FEW MOMENTS LATER DANIEL GETS BACK INTO BED, WE ARE STILL LISTENING THROUGH THE BABY MONITOR.

MARION (O.S.)
What's wrong with your nose?

DANIEL (O.S.)
Nothing.. It's fine.

MARION (O.S.)
It's all red.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Don't be ridiculous.

MARION (O.S.)
Suit yourself.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Now, I think you had your hand just....

FROM OUTSIDE, THERE IS THE SOUND OF A CAR PULLING UP ON THE GRAVEL DRIVEWAY.
HENRY AND KATE ENTER, HE LEADS HER BY THE HAND. THEY PAUSE AND LEAN AGAINST THE KITCHEN TABLE, KISSING. THEY STOP.

HENRY
Tea you said?

KATE NODS.

KATE
Great.

HENRY MOVES THE KETTLE ONTO THE AGA HOT PLATE.

HENRY
I just need to use the loo. I'll be back in a jiffy.

KATE REACTS.

HENRY
By which I mean, fairly quickly.

HE EXITS. KATE WANDERS AROUND THE KITCHEN.
FROM THE BABY LISTENER WE SUDDENLY HEAR MORE SINGING FROM DANIEL.

DANIEL (O.S.)
We're having a shag, we're having a shag...Mummy and Daddy are having a shag.

MARION (O.S.)
Daniel please stop.

DANIEL (O.S.)
I thought...

A PAUSE AND SOME MOVEMENT CAN BE HEARD.

MARION (O.S.)
No Daniel. Stop the singing.

DANIEL (O.S.)
O.

AFTER A MOMENT, HENRY WALKS BACK IN.

HENRY
Now, where were we?

HE LOOKS FOR KATE WHO IS GIGGLING UNCONTROLLABLY IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR.

HENRY
What's wrong?

KATE
I think your parents are having sex.

HENRY REACTS.

HENRY
I'm sure they're not... I'm sure they don't... You're sick for even thinking it.

KATE
What about Freddie?

HENRY
He's definitely too young. I didn't start wanking till I was at least... twelve.

KATE REACTS. HENRY GIVES IN AND THINKS ABOUT IT.

HENRY
I like to think Freddie was a one off... If I have to think of it at all... Which I don't... I'm sure they haven't done it since.

HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND AND HELPS KATE UP. WHEN SHE IS ALMOST STANDING, DANIEL STARTS UP AGAIN THROUGH THE BABY LISTENER.

DANIEL (O.S.)
We're having a shag, we're having a shag... Mummy and Daddy are having a shag. We're having..

KATE DROPS BACK DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR GIGGLING.
HENRY STARTS SHAKING HIS HEAD.

HENRY
No. No. No. This can't be happening.

DANIEL (O.S.)
Ooop... There... Don't stop me now!.. The boys are back in town.

THERE IS THE SOUND OF DISMOUNTING FROM THE BABY LISTENER.
HENRY IS STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD. KATE PULLS HERSELF UP ON HIM AND PLACING A HAND ON EACH OF HIS BUTTOCKS SHE PULLS HIM VERY CLOSE AS SHE KISSES HIM. HE KISSES HER PASSIONATELY BACK.

KATE
O... Henry.

HENRY
I see you've found my asthma inhaler?

KATE
O.

KATE PULLS AWAY SLIGHTLY.

KATE
Do you know why they call me the head girl?

HENRY
I think I may be about to find out.

KATE
It's because I was picked to represent the girls in the school. A sort of pupil teacher liaison... Like the Head Boy... But for the girls.

HENRY
Right.

SHE RUNS A FINGER UP HIS CHEST.

KATE
Of course, before that, they used to call me 'Fellati Katy'... for an entirely different reason.

END OF EPISODE

Avatar

max taylor

  • Tuesday 7th November 2006, 6:54pm
  • hanburg, Germany
  • 54 posts

thats really good, i found it easy to follow and funny, i'm a stand-up comedy person so don't really read into sitcom, or understand it to much but this is funny, have you writen anymore, or are you going to anyone with this first?

Avatar

steve by any other name

  • Tuesday 7th November 2006, 7:06pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 832 posts

Hi Lewis, thanks for that. Wouldn't have dared read any other postings if the first one had been really negative. I've submitted this to the BBC writers room with series development ideas and am now working on another sit com.

Avatar

max taylor

  • Tuesday 7th November 2006, 7:13pm
  • hanburg, Germany
  • 54 posts

you should have more confidence in yourself, your a funny guy, i'm glad to hear about the other sitcom, good luck with it, will you be posting anymore shows on this site, i'd like to see them

Avatar

steve by any other name

  • Tuesday 7th November 2006, 7:55pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 832 posts

I've added a sketch to the Critique forum as well, The title was supposed to say 'Script Factor Reject; but sadly contains a typo. It may well be riddled with them actually as it submitted itself while I was trying to make the text easier to read. Must have made a spureous key stroke. Enjoy. Or not, obviously.
May post other stuff as and when It's ready.

Avatar

max taylor

  • Tuesday 7th November 2006, 9:33pm
  • hanburg, Germany
  • 54 posts

who cares about typo's, i will read it now

Avatar

Scott T

  • Wednesday 8th November 2006, 1:25am
  • All over the shop, United Kingdom
  • 241 posts

I really enjoyed it, I thought the dialogue and interaction were really sharp. I think the pace of the dialogue is good, you don't seem to waste a line, it's all very crisp. Will anything develop with the other characters from the office? If not I'm not sure if you need those people particularly. Jim was worth having in though.

Really nit-picky, but you might want to alter one of the "sensitive...thanks"-style lines spoken by Daniel and (later) Marion, just 'cos they're similar and I always read that characters should have an individual voice and style etc.

But my positive view of it far outweighs my negative. I really enjoyed reading it, great work.

PS - I like 'You've Got Sick On You' as the title for the show rather than the episode!

Avatar

Badge

  • Wednesday 8th November 2006, 1:43am
  • London, England
  • 9,490 posts

I liked the really snappy dialogue - you seem to have a good ear. But on a personal nit-picking level I'd get rid of some of the "F" words. Most instances could be said with another word and no loss of impact, and you don't want to f**k off your potential audience do you?
Oops.
Also - serious point - there might be problems getting it made if you rely too much on the younger family members. Not only does this depend on great child acting (rare) but also there are heavy restrictions on working hours for kids. But you could feasibly have a lot of kid-related incident happen off-screen, as long as you don't over-do it.

Avatar

steve by any other name

  • Wednesday 8th November 2006, 8:21pm
  • Northampton, England
  • 832 posts

Thanks for the comments guys. Maybe there are too many 'F' words. And the additional office characters may have outstayed their welcome because I liked their joke. I should be more ruthless.

Avatar

Lewis Roberts

  • Thursday 9th November 2006, 4:49pm
  • Southampton, England
  • 644 posts

the f words could work you would have to cast Gordon Ramsey but they could work, Good work.